*~*~My ReAsOnS~* ~*
WaItInG & wAiTiNg
Jul 18, 2006
Everyday has been essentially the same...I eat and sleep...lol. Key word there is eat...sometimes out of controlly eat. I have a highly stressful job...I eat when I'm bored...I love the taste of food. Shoot...I eat to eat...lol. Sadly though, my sons Jackson Chameleon (big lizard) died today. Our neighbor had one that had babies yesterday...he said that he will give us one. We'll see about that though, I'm not sure if he is the type to follow through on what he says he will do. Either way, my son will get another one...lol. Funny thing is...I hate lizards. I am so deathly afraid of them. Funny story is...my younger son let the lizard out of the cage one day while trying to pick it up. The lizard crawled over to the palm tree in our yard and my baby was too short to grab it again to put it back in the cage. Weeellllllll...being the mom I am...and loving my sons with the unconditional love that I love them with...I went over to the tree and picked the dayum lizard up and put it back in the cage. By the time that funky animal got back to the cage I had tears in my eyes and my heart was beating out of my chest. Uuuugghghhhhh the things I do for love. But I couldn't fathom the sadness my big boy would have gone through if his lizard was gone. When I found the lizard dead this morning I had to get my nephew to throw it away and I told them boys that the lizards mommy came back for him and he was sad to go home and he would miss them, but he had to leave because his visit was over. I told them we'd go get another one...I hate lizards...lol.
ToTaLLy RaNdOm...
Jul 01, 2006
Completely not relevent to anything about my future re-birth or sugery...I have this large (about 10") lizard in a 2 liter plastic soda bottle on my desk. It's one of those things that you can buy that starts off really small but can get up to 6,000 times its size. It's really gross and it's staring at me right now...but anyways...
I asked myself a few questions before I started my "journey" (hahahah...cliche again) and I told myself I would make me answer them at some time. I figured that the answers to why I want the surgery and why I'm scared to be fat go hand-in-hand...so here goes...
We all know that reason you get fat (or why I am fat) is you ingest more calories than you expend. Yes, there are other factors...slow matabolism, depression, sedentary/desk job, stress, blase blase blase...but the real reason with no excuse is just that. I know that I need to do something...dieting doesn't and has never helped...at least not for long. I may lose weight but it always, and I repeat, always returns and usually with more pounds added. I don't want to struggle with being fat and unhealthy my whole life...I want freedom. Freedom to run with my boys and not feel like passing out, freedom to walk up three flights of stairs without thinking that I may have a heart attack.
I'm afraid of staying fat because of Kris and Kyler. I want the surgery because I want to be here (and actively here) for them. Everyday I fall more and more in love with them...and everyday I hate being trapped in this fat, nasty body. (It's so funny that I feel that way...I'm all for being fat and fly....but I'm tired of having to add fat to that now, can I just be fly for once.) Kris wants me to play basketball all the time with him, how do I tell him that mommy can't play with you because when I run 8.0 earthquakes south of China appear and the mass amount of fat on my thighs will combust so violently that I will set the entire state of Hawaii on fire. I want to be here when they meet their first girlfriends...and hold and comfort them when she breaks their hearts. I want to watch their college football and basketball games...and cry when they blow kisses to me when they make the winning touchdown/basket. I want to take billions of pictures of them with their prom dates, even though it embarasses them...and spend absurd amounts of money on their tuxes and limos. I want to run faster then them (for now...lol)...and play football and basketball with them...and love them until they know that I am their most loyal fan. I want to be healthy to show them how important they are to me. I want to show them how to treat their bodies like the temples they are. Let me teach them...and lead by example.
Sooo...here are my confessions...I am Dana, I am 24, I am 5'3" tall and weigh 277 pounds. **I cringe when I say this** I suffer from high blood pressure, chronic fatigue, knee joint pain, backaches, insomnia, depression and irregular heartbeats. I am fat. My friends think I am cool, calm, collected and confident...I am none. I am funny and joke about myself because it hurts less than letting someone else joke about me. I talk loud and act silly to hide the fact that I am morbidly obese and my eating is out of control. Gracious Lord, please help me. I place my problems in your hands Lord...help me live for my children.
gOaLs~~
Jun 26, 2006
Other then that great news, I've decided what I will do to treat and motivate myself when the weight starts melting off after WLS.
-25 pounds...Get manicure and pedicure.
-50 pounds...Get my hair cut and highlighted.
-68 pounds (halfway to "normal" BMI)...Get braces, again...because I can feel my teeth shifting.
-75 pounds...Belly button piercing.
-100 pounds...THE tattoo...lol.
-135 pounds (at normal BMI)...Tummy tuck and brest lift.
**Update (1255 hours)...I called Diane at Queen's and she scheduled my appointment for August 8th at noon. It seems like such a long wait, but I know in the whole scheme of things one month is a very short wait. Always gotta remind myself...slow motion. So on Tuesday, I'll be there for four hours. I'm not sure what exactly goes on, but I know that I will need to see the nutritionist. I have to bring my billion page application packet, photo ID and $85 for my nutritionist appointment. Wow..it's really happening now. The excitement is starting to kick in. I'm so glad that the boys birthday's are over now so I can fully dedicate my all to focusing on the surgery. It was so busy earlier when I had to do it all at one time.
I HaVe TwO ReAsOnS...
Jun 19, 2006
JuSt ThOuGhTs~~
Jun 16, 2006
~Walk up stairs without feeling like my heart is about to jump out of my chest or like I'm having a heart attack.
~Shop at Gap, Vicky's Secret, Fredrick's, GUESS, Bebe...and actually buy something other than purses or perfume.
~Finally rock a short haircut because my face won't be "too fat" for it.
~Go to my highschool graduation in 4 years and shock the $hit out of my classmates.
~Walk up the bleachers at Kris' b-ball game and not feel like I'll make the shits tip over.
~Pierce my belly button cause I can actually see mine...lol.
~Shop in the juniors section for the first time in my life.
~Be able to highjack my moms closet.
~Wear shorts...
~Look down at my feet and not see my bulging stomach.
~Not have to spread my feet a billion miles apart to not have my tighs touch.
~Take dance classes.
~Go to a club and feel comfortable...not like everyone's laughing or looking at me in disgust.
~Wear a two piece bikini or a lingerie set.
~Speaking of lingerie...yeah...enough said...
~Not wear clothing with an X in the size.
~To be in single digit dress sizes.
~To be liftable...piggy back me.
~To believe the compliments I recieve.
~To be able to wear a belt as an accessory.
~Not be conscious of my loud breathing from fear that someone can actually HEAR me breathing.
~To be an active person.
~Play basketball with my sons for over 5 consecutive minutes without wanting to collapse.
~To be told I'm pretty, rather than "you have such a beautiful face." **Vomit** ugughghghghghg
~Umm...yeah....different positions...lol. 'Nuff said.
~Not get sick after eating too much at the buffet so I can get my money's worth.
~Have self confidence...no really...seriously. Cause right now...I'm the funny fat girl. I just want to be the normal girl.
~Be happy...really happy...really really happy. Like the day Kris came home from the hosiptal happy.
~Lose 20 pounds in one month.
~Lose 50 pounds.
~Be over (hopefully not much over) my halfway goal by 5 months out of WLS.
~Ride the carnival/park rides without feeling ashamed/fearful that I won't fit.
~See weight that starts with I again, instead of 2.
~Stop taking pictures from only the head up.
~Stop dreading putting my jeans in the dryer because they'll be smaller when they come out.
~Have my fat rolls disappear...or at least be a little less than a bakery...lol.
~Go through a turnstile without fearing getting stuck.
~Be within "normal" BMI...for me that would be 141 pounds.
JuSt A LiL IrAtE~~
Jun 13, 2006
I lOvE BeInG FaT!!
Jun 08, 2006
Yeah right....uughghhg
I have inflammed tendons in my elbow so I went over to Dr. Chong for some cortisone. Plus, I needed a referral to see Dr. Murayama beofre they can start me on the path to surgery. Basically, with Dr. Murayama, you see another doctor first (part of his "team"), psychologist, dietician, nutritionist, get your labs done and then see Dr. Murayama. When I get to Dr. Chong's office he takes my blood pressure..it's high. Geez...I love being fat. He wants me on meds...I want to wait until surgery. We compromise on monitoring for 3 weeks. Oh, he'll send out the referral.
So I call Dr. Murayama's office, they take my info and Dr. Chong's info and tell me they'll submit it to HMSA. Estimated time I'll wait...two weeks. Crap...I hate the anticipation. Slow motion though...slow motion.
*An afterthought* I'm freekin' 24....that's too young for high blood pressure....uughghghghghhg*
NoPe To CaStLe...
Jun 07, 2006
So.....at 5 pm I went to Dr. Murayama's seminar at Queen's. Wow....a lot of me wasn't comfortable with the program at Castle but I was willing to just go through with it there because they could get me in fast. But when I went to the one at Queen's I realized why...Queen's was soooo thorough with everything, Castle really wasn't at all! Dr. Murayama spit out his stats with no problems...over 350 surgeries...no deaths, one leak since his first 30 surgeries (he had 4 total, 3 within the first 35 proceedures and 1 after). There is no extra charge...just self-pay for a nutritionist. I heard that it's a year wait on the list for surgery...it's more like 3-6 months. Let me praise God again....*lifts hands up in praise*
FrUsTrAtIoN...
Jun 03, 2006
But not only that...everything seems so rushed. Liek it's kinda money centered. The $600 extra, the massive rush to get people in....*thinks* fishy. They are a very new program...hmmm...the conspiracy theorist (is that a real word???) in me wonders...lol. Not only that...but I've heard the bariatric program at Castle is still new and that they have problems. Also, some other problems with Anna not following through on her end and giving me falso info. This is my life...not just surgery. I'm not willing to risk it due to someones incompetence.
Queen's meeting is in 2 days...I can wait. And if it doesn't work for me, I'll just switch over to Castle in July.
SlOw MoTiOn...
May 27, 2006
I did call Anna back because I needed to know a few other things. First and most important was that I needed a new PCP. I didn't want to be further held back since I was so far with Dr. Chong. So I needed a PCP as great as Dr. Chong. Back to waiting...I got nothing but time on my hands right now though...
