Insane Ramblings

Nov 02, 2010

Okay so today is my birthday, and the past year has been amazing.  I got my surgery, lost 100 lbs, went on my first cruise, played in my first ocean, etc, etc.  Turning 40 was a blast, now that i am counting backwards ... yes backwards :) I want to look ahead at what is in store for me this year.

I want to continue losing this weight down to my own personal goal of 164 and at that point I can re-evaluate to see if I am comfortable there instead of trying to reach "normal weight" according to BMI standards (which I think suck).  I want to learn how to maintain and keep it off, I am terrified that I won't be able to do it.  Do you read the forums as I do and see all the stories of completely successful losers getting to goal or very close to it only to suffer the humiliation and personal failure of regain?  It scares me, I know that there are things I could be doing even now to ensure that I maintain, like measuring portions, planning my days food and tracking better, and most of all working out more often, but I don't.  Sad thing is I am totally aware that these things could cause failure eventually and I still don't do them....

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? 

At this time, I feel great, starting to look great, I am healthy by the numbers and still losing steadily but slowly.  But the more I read, the more doomed I begin to feel that no matter how well I do that I am just months away from my goals and then the inevitable defeat of regain.  I actually dream about it.  I wake up crying because of it, yet it still isn't enough to make me do what I know is right.  

That being said, TODAY I am gonna exercise, TODAY I am gonna track my food, TODAY I will get all my protein and water, TODAY I will focus on what I know to work.... Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow and say the same things...  

I used to love the phrase "I am the master of my destiny"  so I am gonna try to adopt that again. 

Life is good, I have good friends and great family and I couldn't be happier.  Surgery didn't cure me, I wasn't sick, I was fat.  I am not broken, there is nothing to fix.  It simply helped me achieve a goal I was unable to reach by myself.  I am grateful for what I have and will strive daily to keep it and never take it for granted.  

This is my new goal....I will get to goal, I will maintain and fight like hell to maintain so that I can remain healthy all the rest of my days.  

Goal #1    100 lb weight loss (achieved 10/28/10)
Goa l#2    199
Goal #3    164
Goal #4     maintenance :)

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