The Unexpected Loss...

Oct 05, 2009

So, when we have this surgery we expect to lose lots of things... old clothes, weight (of-course), health issues, life restrictions... What I did not expect to lose was friends.  I don't think I've changed.  Inside I'm the same me... outside however well, it's the same forever there are things people percieve about people based on their weight... skinny or fat... yes, the things are different but the prejudices and "issues" people have are the same.  I used have more female friends... now, they don't want to hang out as much... they LIKED me better when I was FAT... why?  Well... because they got to be the CENTER of attention... I don't try to be and I certainly don't go out hoping to take somebody's spotlight away... I am sad that I am realizing some people I once thought of as friends... weren't.  They weren't friends.  One of these "friends" actually had the balls to tell me she didn't "feel as good about herself around me anymore"... she told me that going out withme used to make her feel "beautiful" and now she feels like my shadow.  WTF?  Yes, I know this is HER issue and NOT mine.. but it still kind of stings.  

It's also been a struggle (at times) getting used to the way people treat me now.  Bouncers wink at me, I get charged less for things, Cars stop in the road to let me cross, people hold doors open for me... little things... I know these all sound like NICE things but it's strange for me... I wasn't treated BADLY before... but this change has shown me that I was DEFINITELY treated DIFFERENTLY before.  I sometimes even resent it... (is that wierd)... I feel almost like snubbing people... I get this reel in my head... a voice track that says over and over... "if you didn't care for me at my worst... YOU don't DESERVE me at my BEST"... Maybe I should just ignore it and try to enjoy this more... but it's hard... I'm still that same girl on the inside... My hang-ups weren't ever really about my BODY... and they aren't now.. they are about the perception people seem to have of me based on MY SIZE... skinny, I am worthy of all kinds of friendly attention and perks... FAT, not as much.  It's hard to get used to and my friends who have not been through this really don't understand so I don't talk about it much.

Thank goodness for my wonderful husband... who has always loved the girl inside... I am LUCKY to have him... (and he's pretty damn lucky to have me too... and he knows it!)

... just to clarify I still have lots of GREAT girlie friends... but I didn't expect the reaction...  Girls can be such catty bitches  Why can't we all just HAVE FUN!?!? Jealousy is such a stupid and wasted emotion... why bother?  

In other news... I have passed my own WL goal.  I have lost 170lbs.  It's amazing how GREAT I feel... I want to be moving all teh time... I can't stand to sit still I feel like I'm wasting an opportunity to enjoy my life if I don't do anything with my day.  It's really a wonderful feeling.  I am not really TRYING to lose any more weight... but it's still coming off... slowly... but it's still coming off.  

I am still terrified of dumping so I avoid sugar like the plague.  It's my ENEMY... High FAT foods also make me sick so I try to keep the fat content down... I can eat pretty much anything that doesn't infringe on those two rules, in moderation .. of course. 

Okay... that's it for now...
Cheers and Healthier Days!
-Betty

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