Reedlabs
I've always been a bigger guy. I was born a big baby and I never got rid of the "baby fat." As a boy, I struggled further and by the end of middle school; I had at least 25 extra pounds on me. By today's measure and the obesity epidemic that's not so much but at the time, I definitely stood out among classmates and of course was teased incessantly. I wasn't the biggest kid as there were others with a larger problem but to me, it was terrible. By the time I graduated from high school I was 230lbs and often embarrassed of my size but I was able to write it off mostly because I was extremely strong and fairly athletic able to ski, play ball, etc.
In college, the wheels came off and things got out of control. The freshman 15 turned into the freshman 30 and by the time I graduated from college I was somewhere around 280. I hated it. I loathed this part of myself. I was embarrassed all the time; everywhere I went. I was convinced that it was all anybody thought about when they saw me even though logically, i knew this wasn't true. Sure, there were some and many people made me feel very badly about myself even with ultimately pure motives but too many people don't keep this to themselves and they felt compelled to tell me or stare and some could always be counted on to look me up and down before even saying hello. Often followed up with a comment like "Have you lost weight?" even when I knew i had gained which removed all doubt from the fact they were bothered by my appearance.
From there when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it certainly did. Within 2 years from graduation and finally making some decent dollars where I could buy whatever I wanted food wise; I indulged way past the limits of responsibility. I ballooned to over 330lbs and I was miserable. No longer could I play softball. Skiing was completely out of the question due to the size of my calves. Walking was fine but anything more was impossible. I didn't want to swim out of shame; going to a beach and swimming seemed like the greatest horror in the world. My life was beginning to change in ways I was not happy with as so many of the things I loved to do were no longer possible. To make matters worse; I was constantly ashamed of my appearance and relationships suffered. I was often too embarrassed to see even friends or family. I skipped weddings of important people in my life because I couldn't bear to be in public with so many people who knew me before I was so fat. Years and years when by in this condition and of course I tried dozens of times to lose weight but it would always come back with a vengeance. Life seemed out of control. My weight seemed like a mountain i could never get past. I was in the valleys of depression whenever I gained weight and I would temporarily feel good when I would make strides toward losing but they were temporary.
Happily, over the years I've come to accept myself much better for who I am and realized I have a lot to offer this world in spite of this problem but I still hated this side of myself. In 2006, I worked hard and lost over 50lbs and felt so much better but of course within a couple of years, it was all back. Unfortunately, when it came back it really affected my health. I was losing my mobility. My life was starting to be cut short and I knew it. My blood pressure went up...and up. My cholesterol was rising. The swelling in my body was painful especially in my legs and not thinking about this part of me I loathed was impossible.
At some point a few years ago I came to terms with the FACT...I was going to die early because of this. This truth was inescapable. It was really weighing on me. I wouldn't be able to care for my family like I needed to. I wouldn't be there for my daughter when she becomes a woman. I wouldn't be there for my incredible wife when she needed me most in later years. Add to these realizations that my shame and embarrassment had reached epic proportions that I rarely wanted to see anybody. I would go on vacations to Hawaii and beat myself up the whole time and rarely even let myself go in the water. It was terrible...I was miserable. I hated myself. I knew I had to find a way out.
I began to contemplate weight loss surgery seriously about a year and a half ago. I know of a few people that had failed but I know many more who were successful and got their lives back. However, though I've had MANY surgeries (I think 9) this one really scared me. Not because of any increased risk as the procedure I contemplated had about the same risk as any anesthesia/surgery combination there is; but because this surgery would be voluntary. I would be making a decision to put my family at risk; to put my life into the hands of a surgeon and anesthesiologist. I might never wake up, right? It took a long time to get past this but ultimately...I don't know how long it took me but I of course decided this was the right thing to do.
In February of this year after one of the worst yo-yo diets I had ever experienced, I had enough. I lost 15lbs in advance of a corporate event in which I would see 500 colleagues who of course cared more about my fat butt than anything else (in my mind of course.) When I got back, the 15 turned into 30! I was over 330lbs again...335 to be exact and I was crushed. That was it. I knew my company insurance had coverage for the surgery so I made the appointment. I spoke at length with my surgeon who explained all of the options and spoke frankly about the pros and cons of each. I decided on vertical sleeve gastrectomy which is basically where they go in and remove all of the excess stomach leaving me with a banana shaped stomach which holds only 1/2C. I started the approval process of the insurance and found out my prerequisites. I had my psychological evaluation to make sure I wasn't just a self deprecating person who would probably sabotage the whole thing. Most importantly, I decided I needed to make sure I was committed which meant I needed to lose a significant amount of weight on my own.
The insurance process was a bit painful and had a few ups and downs...it took longer than i hoped to get approved but eventually the good news came. More importantly, I had proved to myself I was committed by losing about 30lbs with diet and exercise. I had gotten off my butt and made myself exercise...move really. I adopted the Nike Fuel band to make sure I was doing what I needed to do and I was ready. It still wasn't easy to get by the whole risk thing but I decided it was much better to take the one time risk then it was to certainly die early with what I was doing. Simple as that. The risk/reward was too great not to do it.
So there it is. Two weeks ago, I did it. The doctor did a wonderful job. There were zero complications. I've healed fast and the weight is dropping like crazy. I've followed everything they told me to do to the T and I've not even been tempted to cheat. The first couple of weeks are insane. People often lose 30lbs in the first month...well, I lost 20lbs in the first 10 days! At this point, I'm down more than 50lbs altogether and my body is loving it. My legs don't hurt as I've lost every bit of swelling in my legs and ankles. My blood pressure is down from 150/100 for the last couple of years to 124/82 last time I checked. I'm on my way to being healthy for the first time in more than 20 years.
The guy who was embarrassed to see people now wants to see everybody. I've missed them. I'm no longer ashamed. I'm the same guy inside but the part of me I loathed is on the way out. I know it's not healthy to have those kinds of feelings about yourself...trust me. But I also was unable to turn off that switch. The switch is off and I am getting a fresh start.