renewedlife
Original Profile Upon Joining OH
I am 34 and married to a wonderful, patient and supportive man named and we live in Jacksonville, Florida. I haven't had the surgery yet. My initial consultation with Dr. Jawad is December 23, 2003.
I have thought about WLS now for probably 7 or 8 years and every time I thought I might go through with it, fear got in the way and I changed my mind convincing myself that there must be some other/better way to be at a normal weight for once in my life. So, I would try and try again to be more disciplined and muster up more will power only to find myself in the old familiar zone of failure once again. I have a history of sexual abuse in my childhood and young adult life and I used food to comfort me to cope with all the pain and shame. For a long time, I didn't mind being over weight because fat was my "armour" and I thought it would keep me safe from harm/hurt. When I lost weight in 1993 and suddenly got attention from men, I couldn't handle it and within 2 years gained it all back because I saw myself becoming someone I didn't like. Last July I was tired and desperate of being unable to control my eating and my weight and living with the shame, pain and disease associated with obesity and looked into WLS as a last ditch effort. A lady I know from my church had it a few months before and after a conversation with her telling me how much she regretted having the surgery due to complications and misery, I decided that I would try it on my own once again. I went from about 360 to 265. Here it is 16 months later and I am back to 280 or so. I realize that obesity is a disease and though I mean well, I can't control the amount of food I eat on my own. I have type 2 diabetes and have not been able to conceive. I want to have children someday and be able to run and jump and play with them too. I want to know what it feels like to sit in an airplane and "fit" in the seat, not have to raise the arm rest for a couple extra inches and most of all not need the seat belt extender. I want to buy normal clothes and look beautiful in them. I want to make love to my husband in a position other than missionary because I'm ashamed of how heavy I am. I want the me that I know has been hiding inside all of my life to come out and be a part of this life. My husband loves me the way I am and he accepts me but I feel like I've cheated him somehow. We've been married for 7 years now and I think it's time that he gets treated to a thinner and sexier wife. I'm looking for an angel to encourage me, pray with and for me, and just hold my hand as I go through this process. The more I read others stories, I realize that I am not alone in this.
I thank God for all of you out there who have dared to take a leap of faith into a better life and I look forward to following in your footsteps.
11-20-03 I went to Dr. Jawad's office today with a friend for her pre-op appt. As fate would have it, I was able to get my Initial Consult moved up from Dec 23rd to next Tuesday, Nov 22nd...a whole month earlier! I was also able to get my Psych Eval scheduled for this Saturday which only leaves my blood work, GB ultrasound and letter or recommendation and I am set.
Visiting that center today and seeing all of the people who are about to have WLS and some who are well on their way to becoming a thinner self was mind boggling. I have swayed back and forth wether or not to have WLS because of my fear of not maintaining healthy eating habits and making a life-long committment to take supplements but tonight after completing my 12 Reasons For Achieving My Weight Loss, I am reassured that WLS is well worth it. I no longer have to wish I could lose weight, God has sent me a tool to not only lose but be free from the bondage of obesity forever. I realize that it takes a lot of work and effort but I finally get it...so does carrying around an extra person or two!
Pray for me that all goes well for me and that I get approved for surgery soon!
12/4/03 I went to Dr. Jawad's office on the 2nd and dropped off the last 2 pcs of documents they needed to get my package ready to fax to the ins. co. I was so disappointed when I was told that it would take up to 2-2.5 weeks for them to send it off because they were backed up. I think I'll call there office and find out if they can get that bumped up a bit. The waiting game is torture. Maybe it's for the best. I am really struggling with my eating due to a lot of anxiety. I am not very motivated to do anything these days short of my goal to have this wls. Everything is suffering, my work, my home and my poor hubby...he doesn't know if I'm coming or going. Theings are very tense for me right now.
12/22/03 I spoke with Sharon at Dr. Jawad's office last week. She said that my letter was mailed to UHC on Dec. 11th. I called the ins co last Thursday the 18th and was told they haven't received any info from my surgeon's ofc. However, I spoke with this really nice lady in the Care Coordination Dept who opened up a claim and sumbitted it for approval. She said due to high demand for wls it could take up to 2 weeks and if additional info was needed I and/or the Dr's ofc would be contacted. I was really excited to finally speak to someone at UHC who was sensitive and willing to help me. I am finally feeling less anxiety over this whole experience and concentrating my efforts more on doing all I can to make sure I get approved whether it's in 5 day, 5 weeks, hopefully not much longer than that...lol. I have been reading so many profiles of others who had to wait years. I thank God that at least my ins plan isn't changing come Jan 1st so it makes me a little more at ease. I try no to be so consumed with wls but focus on other things in my life. There are a few projects I must take care of before having wls that need to be taken care of so I can take time to recooperate from surgery without pressure. I will update as soon as I know something more.
8:05pm I spoke to my insurance company this afternoon and they say that my case is under review by the nurse. I should know something in about 10 days. I asked if they needed addtl info and the rep told me again, if they did they will get it from Dr. Jawad's ofc. I'm praying everything goes well.
12-29-03 I just got a call from Sandra from my ins co UHC-PPO. She said that my info was rcvd from the Dr. Jawad's ofc on Dec 17th and it's being processed. She was really nice and helpful. She sent a request for my claim to be reviewed ASAP and said she would call me back as soon as she got a response/determination. She gave me her direct phone number to call her if I haven't heard from her by Jan 5/6th.
I also spoke with Dr. Yasrebi's office. I am considering going to him even though he does Open RNY instead of Lap like Dr. Jawad but so far I like Yasrebi's program better. He isn't a provider for my ins neither is the hospital so I would have to pay 25% out of pocket which is about $3000 once I'm approved for wls. Even though it's a lot of money, after all I've experienced with Dr. Jawad's ofc, I think I'd rather have my surgery where the Doc and staff is supportive and respectful of me. The most appealing reason I chose Dr. Jawad is because he has done hundreds of Lap RNY's with few complications. On the other hand, his staff is rude and not very helpful, his office is over 2 1/2 hours away and his follow up program isn't really one. The ONLY downfall I see with Yasrebi is that he does it open. However, he makes you lose 10% of your weight before surgery - for me that's about 28.5 lbs - and he has support group meetings, he performs the surgery at a local hospital about 15-20 mins from where I live, after care is excellent and I believe they have a nutritionist/dietician as well (have to confirm that). Michelle at his office said I can ask him why he only does "open" as opposed to "Lap" when he calls me. He actually calls his intending patients to talk with them before even meeting them. I will also be attending one of their support group meetings locally in Jacksonville next Tues at 6:30 which means I miss a night of bible study. Hoping my DH will come with me. The more I research and read posts and think about wls the more I realize that I have a choice of what's best for me.
I'm feeling less anxiety than when I first began this journey and since speaking with the ins co a lot less frustrated with the process.
Prayer: Lord, please help me to be patient throughout this process and remind me to see your will at work in this. I want my steps to be ordered by you during this trying and confusing time. Let your perfect will be done and help me not to worry or be anxious for anything.
I had my Lap-RNY on Mar 17th, 2004. I had no complications immediately post-op except extreme nausea and gas. The hospital stay was not the best experience, in fact, as a result of negligence on part of a tech, I was re-admitted to the hospital with a bad UTI for 3 days. I had posted my experience here before and it was lost so I can't recall everything. In the grand scheme of things I think I am more blessed that I had the surgery, for the most part all went well and I am still alive today to testify of God's goodness and grace throughout this process. My weightloss has been slow. I began exercising faithfully until I started school about 4 weeks ago. I plan to start back because I seemed to be losing more quickly when I exercised and I had more energy. I can't believe how easy it was to fall right back into the habit of not working out everyday.
People are shocked when they see me now. I keep hearing "oh my God, you look great...I didn't even recognize you!" I have to send in a current picture of myself soon.
I hold up my old clothes and they look sooo big to me now. I can't believe that I'm on my way to 14's and 16's. Sometimes I worry, like most of us post-ops, that my weightloss will stop and I won't make goal. I pray that I get to 140-150 someday. I want to know what it feels like to wear a size 8. It has been quite challenging at times not to eat the wrong things. I go through periods where I feel like I can eat a horse, especially when I work out. Then there are the other times when I just can't bring myself to eat. I had stopped the protein shakes for a while but now I'm back on the Nectar shakes again. My hair was falling out, I was craving carbs and I wasn't losing I'm sure it due to lack of protein so I've been forcing fluids and try to get in 1-2 shakes a day for 60 grams of protein plus whatever I eat.
09/27/04 It's been a long time since I've updated my profile. I got so tired of pouring out my heart and soul into the updates and then have them disappear. I've even emailed the Help Desk several times to no avail. So here it is I'm at 6 mos 10 days post-op. I've lost almost 70lbs to date. At first I was so depressed that I hadn't lost weight as fast as so many in the AMOS family but I recently found out that there are so many of us out there that are losing at about the same rate I've been losing. I'm now to the place where I'm just gratefully to be losing. I've gone from wearing a 26/28 to 18/20's which are now baggy and I can wear some 14/16's. I am so happy that I made this decision for myself. It hasn't been without it's share of setbacks and complications but overall it's worth it. I feel better. I can run up stairs without losing my breath. I can cross my legs when I sit down. Clothes look better on me. I recently flew on an airplane and not only fit in the seat but didn't need a seat-belt extender. In fact, I had a good 6 inches of belt to spare and I was even able to cross my legs in the confined space between me and the seat in front of me. Oh and for the first time in at least 20 years, I was able to use the airplane food tray to rest my cup of water on while I read instead of holding it in my hand because I couldn't fit.
On the marriage front, there are still issues but I am holding my own; getting stronger emotionally, spiritually and physically everyday. If DH fails to get his act together it will be his loss. I'm happy and looking to a bright future with or without him. I'm also back in school and I've applied to a Christian University so it looks like I might be moving to Tulsa, OK next fall.
There are so many changes going on in my life but I'm shaking lose all of the fear I've had to be on my own or without DH. I'm realizing that the only person I "need" is God.
Current weight: 225-227lbs
10/15/04 Went to my primary care Dr. Fetchero day before yesterday. My weight according to his scale is 224. I'll weigh again after I get my period to see what it is then. Anyway, Dr. F ws so shocked to see me. He commented that when he heard my name he "had to do a double take to make sure it was me because I look sooo different." He said he was so happy for me and gently reminded me that moving forward skin would become a body image issue for me but not to let it bog me down because over all I am/will be in much better health. Yesterday I went shopping and bought a size 14 skirt and pair of 16 not 16w glorida vanderbilt jeans. I haven't worn these sizes since I was 14/15 and I am 35 now. I was so excited and a bit nervous because I have bought some things I haven't even worn yet but really like and they are already loose. Oh well it's a far cry from nothing in my closet fitting. Yesterday I was so down because of the problems going on in my personal life. I've heard many people say this and I concur: this surgery fixes the physical but not the emotional/spiritual. I am so grateful for this surgery. Sometimes I freak out because the thought: what if I stop losing mid-stream or what if I keep losing and never stop. It's funny that after a lifetime of people saying "you gotta lose some weight, you're too big" now telling me "you don't need to lose anymore. You look fine the way you are. Don't get too skinny." That's why it can never be about people. I still see myself the same as when I was 360/295 but every now and then I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or store window and realize how much weight I have lost so far. My goal is to weigh 140-150...that's only 65-75 more lbs to go.
11/04/04 Just a quick update...I am now down to 218 lbs still wearing 14w's, 16's and very loose fitting 18's.
12/15/04 I'm coming up on my 9 month anniversary. I jumped on the scale last night and it read 213 lbs. After a long plateau, it's nice to know I've lost another 5 lbs minimum. I'm expecting my period any day now so I will weigh myself again to see what my true weight is. I am one of the unfortunates who gains weight during that time of the month. I'm hoping that I'll be somewhere between 205 and 208. My goal for the end of the year is to get under 200...that's 14 lbs in 2 weeks. Can I do it? We shall see!
Back Again! I just took a look at the pic on my profile which was taken approx 1 week pre-op at the Dr's ofc...I hardly recognize that person I look so different. I was never one to take pics and swore that I was going to take pics at least once a month which I haven't done but I promise I will get some pics taken of me between now and the end of the year and send them in.
1/09/05 Got on the scale this morning and it read 195 lbs. I am an official member of the century club. I've got to get on the ball and send in updated pics of myself. I must say that you all will hardly recognize me. It's a far cry from the old mo woman who first came to the AMOS family. My BMI is now 33 which makes me only obese now rather than super or morbidly obese. I thank God everyday for blessing me to have this surgery.
April 4, 2006 I cannot believe it has been 2 years since my wls! My how time flies! I am overwhelmed with emotions because I can't believe how good God has been to me. I remember the Lord speaking to my heart about 3 or so years ago as He reminded me of the dream I had as a 4 yr old little girl of being a "skinny" Indian princess with long hair over 30 years prior and how I was on the brink of my dream manifesting. Who would have thought?
Although I desperately wanted it, I never dreamed in a million years that it would actually happen! Sometimes when I look at myself or catch a glimpse of myself when I pass a store window or fit into a pair of size 9/10 jeans or see a pair of the size 22, 24, 26 and God forbid the size 28's and 30/32 tops I used to wear, I cry because it seems so impossible that I would be so fortunate when so many others have died trying or still waiting to reap the benefits of this wls tool.
A lot has happened since both preparing and beginning this journey. The DH -- not dear hubby, you fill in the blank lol -- that was in my life is no longer. I am finally free from that marriage! His loss and what a loss to him it is. Not only am I a wonderful, caring, loving and just overall great person, I'm now one hot sexy mamma too!
The one thing I appreciate most about wls is how much of a life it has given me back and I mean in so many ways. I feel more confident and that I deserve better than a lot of the crap that I've accepted as "the fat girl." I am more productive. I have bigger dreams and actually am living them. I look forward to living and strive to live rather than just existing. I used to feel that my greatest desire was to be noticed by a man...now I get that and am over it. A man noticing me as attractive does not make me. I am so much more than a physically attractive woman. Sometimes I laugh to myself when men fall over themselves because they may find me attractive and all I can think is...if he only knew what I look like underneath this all. Nonetheless, I'm still beautiful and attractive both insided and out.
I see bigger, better and brighter for me...for me! I've never done that before, everything was always about everyone else. Now I want to take care of me...my heart, my spirit, my body, my mind, my heart, my emotions...just me! Physically, I'm in the best shape I've ever been in my life! You should see me run up flights of stairs or purposely park far away just to walk more. It is great!
I won't kid you, it's not been easy and isn't easy. One thing I realized this morning (which is why I'm updating my profile at 6 am) is that part of my loosing control with my eating habits, especially of late, is that I have stayed away from the boards. It's as though, I've got this, I can handle this now, afterall, I'm a normal size. That is so untrue and is a trap to cause us post-ops to fall right back into the old pitfalls that kept us gaining weight after successfully losing a hundred pounds only to gain it back then some over and over again.
Don't get me wrong, I still can't eat as much because the pain that comes from overstuffing my pouch is deathening but there are ways I can still hurt myself like eating more frequently or just simply eating the wrong foods (those darn carbs) despite knowing I will dump. In other words, the same old addictions to food are still present and will haunt you and try to thwart the great effort and life-altering decision we have made to get healthy if we don't work through the issues that eat at us and cause us to eat.
It's good to be back in touch with OH again and I plan to begin updating again so that I can stay motivated and be accountable. I had a consult with a plastic surgeon in March 2006 and he suggested I could begin my nip and tuck work without losing anymore weight. He estimates that I have about 15-20 lbs of excess skin...poss more which would put me around 150-155 or so. I look rather thin in the face and wonder how I'll look being that thin. At my heaviest, I was 360 and 300 right before surgery. I still would like to loose another 10-15 pounds just because I would love to see the numbers on the scale. However I have to remind myself that not everyone was meant to be 130 lbs. We shall see. I plan to start up my work out regimen again to enhance my results for ps in the foreseeable near future. Until then...
1/29/07 I was reading editing my profile and realized once again that I've allowed too much time to pass without updating. Life can be so consuming at times that I jst don't make the time to jot down a few lines...who am I kidding, I'm a talker and a writer, rarely a woman of few words (lol).
I have been lurking on OH...kinda getting a feel for the new format and to see what's been going on here. I didn't realize how much I miss the comraderie of the members here. I'm not kidding, it's like we're all military or college buddies. Sometimes I need to be reminded of how blessed I truly am to have been able to have wls.
I haven't updated since last year because I've faced some unanticipated health challenges related to wls. Around last April-June, I had noticed I wasn't feeling particularly well but couldn't quite put a finger on what I was feeling. One thing I noticed was that my bowel movements were not normal. I did address my concerns to Dr. Jawad but he said it was normal, most post-ops experience bm changes and they usually show up around that time. Being that I am a Realtor and Mortgage Broker, I chocked it up to stress.
I decided to take a vacation at the end of June 2006 in an effort to slow down and take a little better care of myself. I went to visit my best friend and her family in Virginia Beach. I rested more during that time than I had probably the whole year...I even extended my vacation to the day after the 4th of July holiday. My entire trip, I noticed that my appetite was low , I could only physically eat very small amounts of food, and I was extrememly gassy...tums was my bestest friend that trip. A few days later, I had eaten a few cheeze its and within a few minutes had the worst stomach pain you could imagine. It felt like I had food poisoning or something and I kept wondering "how do you get food poisoning from cheeze its." We were out shopping (one of my favorite pastimes) and I didn't want to ruin the spree for my girlfriends so I beared with it until I had to go and sit in the car. I tried unbottoning my jeans, leaning over, you name it but nothing worked. There came a time when I felt like I was having difficulty breathing and like I was going to have a heart attack. Finally, we went home and I took about 4 tums and went to bed.
I was awaken by what felt like a sharp pain in my chest. I thought I was going to have a heart attack so I woke my friend up and she took me to Sentara Hospital in VA. They ran all sorts of tests based on the symptoms I described and then informed me that I was extremely dehydrated so they gave me IV fluids. After a few hours in the ER, the dr came and sat with me and said they wanted to admit me due to a few thins on the CT-Scan they had performed: 1) twisting somewhere in lower intestines 2) lesions on my liver (which they later confirmed they believed was cancer) 3) severe dehydration and 4) the root of my symptoms -- my gallbladder!
My darn gallbladder was trying to take me out while I was on vacation! lol They wanted to do all the surgeries there but I didn't want to be a burden to my girlfriend and her family and I didn't want to be so far away from home having surgery etc. On top of all that, I had a surgery date of Jul 28th to get my full abdominoplasty, breast lift and arm lift...I didn't have no time to be having extra surgeries! I called my surgeon to see what he thought and he suggested I come home asap, bring all of my medical records with me and get to Ocala stat. The staff at Sentara Hospital was very helpful in getting all my records together and I left VA Bch and went home to Jax. Long story short, I had an emergency gallbladder removal done by Dr. Jawad. During my surgery he checked my whole GI system for twisting of my bowel and hernias...he found none. Oh and those lesions on my liver, they turned out not to be cancerous after all. (Thank God!)
After recuperating from that surgery, exactly 4 weeks later I had my plastic surgeries. I'll never forget the day my pain pump expired and the last of the pain medicine that was continuously being pumped into my gut was expelled, the pain I felt...yes, not discomfort...PAIN I felt. Once again, I thought I was going to die! I hadn't been able to have a bowel movement for about 11 days and since I wasn't eating much thought it was okay...mentioned it to the Dr. cause I felt like I had to go but just couldn't get enough energy to push....sorry. He told me to take an enema...didn't work. Went to the ER, they did a CT-Scan, afterwhich everyone suddenly seemed very quiet but in a "oh my God what are we going to do with her" way. The ER doc comes in and he says: "Ms. S. I just took a look at the results of your tests and I'm going to have to do a rectal exam"...mind you, I am stitched from hip to hip, down both arms and sides and my boobies are sewn up. He says: " Now we're going to give you 3 morphine to help you because we know you're in tremendous pain...we normally don't do this but in your case..."
I'm thinking to nyself what does he mean in my case? Well, they give me the morphine IV so it works right away...I'm leaned over the bed and he does a "digital exam" yeah I got the finger...and all I here him say is "it's right there...I can feel it...it's a mass of rock and says to me I need you to bear with this because I have to break this up it's the only way you can pass it." Needless to say, I let out some of the loudest, bloodcurding screams you can imagine and then the whole ER dept was silent for a space of time (lol). They gave another 3 morphine after that followed by 4 morphine to pass the thing. They begged me not to take anymore pain meds until at least the next day if possible because I made history for receiving the most pain meds for a severe fecal impaction in the hospital's history.
Later I found out the scans revealed that I was so impacted that the stools were rock hard at the rectum...further up they were dry/hard and above that they were liquid. I left there feeling so light and relieved and happy! Two days later I was back again...same problem...more dehydrated...now with dangerously low iron levels. When they relieved me, they were supposed to do another CT-Scan to make sure everything was expelled...they didn't...it wasn't and I was back. This time they got ALL of the rest of what was left plus any new stuff. They wanted to admit me for a blood transfusion and IV fluids. They couldn't find veins and said the only alternative was in the neck...I called my surgeon, confirmed it didn't seem that serious, I packed it up and went home.
1-2 days later, I was admitted to the hospital...severe fecal impaction, severe dehydration, severe iron deficiency (6.2). IV in the external jugular...again, thought I was going to die...but this time for real. My best friend flew in from VA Bch...a very "special guy" and even my ex-husband who used to be DH when I first started this journey was at the hospital for support. After days of being there...tests revealed no colon cancer...bowels were finally cleaned out...system was well hydrated...only 1 little problem...iron levels. They wanted to transfuse me...I ws too scared...I refused and wanted to go home without a strangers blood... so they let me out understanding that I could do nothing short of lay in bed, walk to bathroom, no activity period...any shortness of breath/palpitation=trip to ER stat! I agreed to do IV iron therapy.
3 days later...called the dr's ofc and begged for the transfusion. The day came. I was transfused and guess what? I left feeling better! I was warm! My hands were red! My complexion bright! I was full of energy! I was happy! During all of that I gained 20 lbs and went back up to 194lbs...I couldn't fit in any of my clothes. Although I had this new flat tummy, my hips and thighs seemed to grow and nothing fit! I was miserable. I knew then, I would never, could never, would do all I possibly could never to get back to 360lbs ever again! I just had a scar revision last week on my rt arm. At my heaviest, my arms were 24 inches around...can you imagine that some women's waists are 24-26 inches? I had lots of skin removed and my scars run to my elbows, up the armpits, down my sides to under my breasts. I still have my lower body lift, including thigh lipo-suction and skin excision, belt lipectomy and additional flank removal. It's amazing how tiny I was under all that skin and fat.
For now, I am focusing to get to a place of more optimal health...iron levels maintained at normal levels...I'm still receiving bowel re-training therapy. In fact, I found out yesterday at my GI dr that it is common for people who have full tummy tucks to experience constipation and impaction post-op because we use our stomach muscles to bear down and when they are cut it can take many months up to a year for them to recover in some patients. Hopefully this will all be over soon. This is the closest I have ever come so far to regretting having wls or plastic surgery. But like having a baby...you feel that way only when you;re in pain. When I look at myself in the mirror and see the things I can do that I couldn't before...I smile and say "nah, I made the right choice."
I've written enough now for 6 mos worth of posts...until next time...
Oh...my stats LAP RNY 17 Mar 04...highest 360lbs...day of surgery 300lbs... normal wt ranges from low of 167lbs to hi of 175lbs (during female thing week)...current wt 179lbs (just had surgery and female thing week). Men are so lucky! lol New wt goal...150-160 so that's me needing to lose 20-30 lbs. So far the lowest I've been is about 163...I tend not to like how thin my face looks but these darn thighs of mine...everyone says I look fine the way I am and once I have the lower body lift it'll be even better...but I want the numbers on the scale! I know all the post-ops feel me!
Now that I see it in black and white, it ain't all that bad for an almost 3 yr post-op. I do want to reach my goal of at least 160 but I'm gonna give myself a big hug for where I am right now...smile. Finally, it took a lot of courage for me to add my fat & skin pics but I shared them to encourage someone who might need it. I'm very blessed to have begun my journey of shedding my old skin but in case you're not there yet or don't know when you be there...it's all good. Luv ya's!
Now I'm done for real...peace out...holla!
