Barb H.

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 Journeyofafatwoman.wordpress.com

 As I sit here right now, it seems like the past two weeks has flown by.  Didn't feel that way at the time, but I'm feeling pretty good even though I'm still pretty weak.  

So I went to Oahu on the 19th to see Dr. Fowler.  I got there very early and went to Nicole's and spent the morning with her.  I really enjoyed that time so much.  I'm understanding more and more why we are in each others lives.  Weird that it took her moving to Honolulu for me to really see this.  At my appointment, Dr. Fowler went over the procedure with me and we talked about stuff that I can't remember now, but related to the surgery.  Then I went to Kailua for my class with Mary, Lori and Cindy.  Pretty easy, knew a lot of it already although it was good to review it.  And met two other ladies who were due for their surgeries the day before and same day as mine.  I started my liquid diet a day early because somehow I overlooked that I was supposed to have gone on the high protein, low carb diet as soon as my surgery was scheduled so figured an extra day on liquids would be good.

Madeline and I went over again on the 24th in the afternoon, got checked into our hotel then walked down to Waikiki beach.  The sun had already set but was still light out so we sat on the sand and watched the last minute surfers catching some smaller waves, sailboats drifting by and the dinner cruises starting their evenings of good food and romance.  When it was dark enough that we couldn't see much on the ocean, we walked a little ways down the main strip of Waikiki.  I kept trying to get Madeline to buy me a Coach bag but she wouldn't let me in the store!  Many of the high end brands have stores there and it was a little intimidating because I'll never buy anything from one of them.  Don't know why that was intimidating, but probably  because I'm insecure.  

The next morning

I go to Oahu tomorrow for all my pre-op stuff and a class at the hospital. Then we will go back on the 24th for my surgery on the 25th. Reality is really setting in and of course, all the fears. I am finding that I'm feeling anger that I am in this position. I don't remember if I felt this way when I was banded. I think it's because I started my liquid diet yesterday and my head hunger is giving me a run for my money. I think part of it is that I know there are some foods I may never eat again and the little kid inside of me is raising a ruckus!! The little brat! LOL! I know I'll be fine, even if there are complications. My surgeon is excellent, knows his stuff really well and I trust him. The pre-surgery is one of the worst times, I know. Been there, done that.

I freaked out late last week when I got on the scales and was at 257.8. I realized that I was fooling myself in what I was eating and that I was eating health amounts. And, I also realized that I should have been on a low card, high protein diet since I got my date.  Whipped me into high gear, although I still had a couple of pieces of Svetlana's birthday cake, full of carbs and gluten.  I emailed Mary to see if I had completely screwed things up and she said as long as I start my liquid by today, I should be good.  I went ahead and started it yesterday just to get a jump on it.  

So much has been going on and I've spend more time online than reading my passport. That has changed.  

 A couple of days ago, I stepped on the scales and gasped because I gained a few more pounds.  I realized I absolutely had to get on track to make this work so I started using myfitnesspal....again.  Holy crap, I was horrified to realize how much I've been consuming.  Even today because I was much more aware, I still was way way over my carb intake. I need to really watch this very closely in order to make this work.  I can really see my carb addiction now.  Okay, I now know what's going on and I will use all these great tools and make it work really well.  

Yay me!

 Here I am at the end of 2011, facing the new year with a new mind set.  My surgery will be in. 26 days.  Yikes!    And  I'm excited for this journey.  I feel like a roller coaster, one hour I'm feeling confident and the next hour I wonder if I'm doing the right surgery.  But I know it's okay.  I know I can make this work. I've done hours of research, I've surrounded myself with positive, supportive people, Castle has a great support system, and I'm committed.  

2012 is going to be a great year!

I made it through.  I knew I would this year because I was able to catch some triggers earlier on, I allowed myself to truly enjoy it.  I'm really working on making myself slow down when I eat and chew very well waiting between bites before.  I've gotten back into my old habit of wofling down my food.  It's really interesting to look at my feelings when I eat.  I seem to be embarassed or feel self-conscious when I eat, even when we are at home.  I think I must disocciate while I eat.  Some of this is from my early childhood, I think.  My granddaddy used to mock me (all of us, really) when I'd eat by making gross smacking movements with his mouth and smirking afterwards.  I suppose he thought it was funny....i just felt humiliated.  And my sister used to yell at me all the time about making noise when I ate.  She even yelled at me once when I made noise while eating potato chips.  I think I remember that one because my mother finally called her off.  When I went to my junior high banquet, I remember feeling so sick to my stomach because I was so afraid I would do something wrong or spill something or make too much noise.  Hmmmm.  It's good to remember these things so I can start to move on. 

I had my ekg and chest xray yesterday.  All good, although I took the scenic route to get to the place I needed to go.  The directions I got from Raveena were uncleat so I ended up going to three offices before I finally got to the right one.  I was laughing about it and fortunately, the right office was cool and very accomodating.  Then I talked with Lori at Castle and scheduled my pre-op (January 19) and surgery date (January 25).  We were in the midst of preparing Hannukah dinner for 15 people, which ended up being 16 so really didn't have to process everything.  Then today, I pulled a box of photos out that I'd just found in the garage while digging through looking for the china and crystal that we had packed away and needed for dinner.  I ran across tons of pictures of my kids and parents and sister.  We went into Waimea and made a stop at Starbucks and when i got back into the car, i put my cup on the dash of the car.  The dash which is very slanted.  Which caused the cup to slip off the dash spilling the entire comtents on me, my purse, the floor and everything else in its path.  And I got so upset!  After holding it together yesterday, I cried over a spilled cup of coffee.  But when I had a moment, I let my feelings come up and remembered that today is the anniversary of my dad's death, and I really was missing my sister, who's death anniversary is coming up.  So feeling sad but okay.  Although the reality of the surgery is still setting in.....

I did the elliptical today for about 15 to 17 minutes today and was so excited!  It is such a cool machine.  My knees got a little tierd but I forgot to put the knee braces on.  I hope I can remember them tomorrow to see how they help.

I have the most amazing wife in the world!  We went into Sports Authority yesterday and I sent her to the other side of the store so I could get something for her for Christmas.  When I was done, I found her over by the exercise equipment.  She knew I was interested in an eliptical so had been looking at them and trying out different ones.  I had no idea she was seriously considering getting one but she did!  It will be delivered tomorrow.  I am very excited!

I got an email from the hospital yesterday saying that the insurance company's medical review board is looking at my case this week and will give their decision by next week.  So I will soon know whether I have to wait several months or if I can do sooner.

Once again, the holidays slipped up on me and I dipped into a deep depression.  About a week ago, I started having a lot of trouble sleeping.  I either had trouble going to sleep and/or was restless all night.  After about 3 days of this, I started to wonder....what the hell is going on?  So I did some soul searching and remembered that this is the anniversary of 2 huge traumas both related to my dad.  From what I've been able to piece together from sketchy memories, when I was pre-school age and he molested me when my mother went Christmas shopping and my sister was in school.  And then he died on December 21 twenty-six years ago.  When I talked to Dr. Pat, she suggested I even mark it on the calendar for next year to remind me of these anniversaries so I can be better prepared.  I think this is a good idea because even though I figured things out a few years ago, it sneaks up on me every single year, kicking my feet out from underneath me.  The benefit of knowing ahead of time is so I can mentally prepare myself, know that I can pull myself out of it by being aware of it, and mainly to take myself out of being a victim.  

Because continuing to be a victim destroys me and I want to really live my life.  For me.