Jennifer F.

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On Christmas Eve morning, Rob asked me to marry him!  Of course I said yes and I couldn't be more happy.  We had planned a trip to Chicago for New Year's Eve (that's when I THOUGHT it was coming), so we were able to spend the weekend celebrating our engagment.  Now that the holiday stuff is all over, here comes the wedding planning.  I'm overwhelmed and excited.  We found a great venue today, so we'll see what happens after I take my parents to see it next week.  

I told my mom that I wasn't sure if I was more excited about the engagement or about how much smaller my dress will be than it would have been a year ago! Just kidding.  To be honest, I'm a little anxious about dress shopping because of my warped body image/brain issue.  I'm all over the map these days!  Sometimes I feel so small, other times I feel like I look the same I did a year ago.  I know it's in my head, but its still a struggle.

Anyway, I have to TOTAL potential to be bridezilla.  I'm going to work really hard to not do that!  Wish me luck and keep me in check please.

Well the 5 k went well on Saturday.  It ended up that Rob and I, and my brother and sil all did the 5k on Dec 19th.  We woke up that morning to an inch of snow on the ground.  Things were hectic getting out of the house (what else is new).  We arrived to the race and I promptly realized that I had forgotten my sweatshirt and my damn gym shoes!  I was able to borrow a sweatshirt, but I had to run in my damn winter boots. It was ridiculous. I made the disclaimer going into the race that it was an individual effort, so we didn't need to stick together.  My goal was to finish in 45 minutes and I finished in 41! Even though I exceeded my goal, I would have liked to do better. I really hoped that I could run the whole thing, but I didn't.  It is hard to run in the cold!

We had a follow up with Dr. W.  He commended our efforts since the Smackdown of October.  He seemed especially proud of our 5k.  He also mentioned that we were talking like he wants to hear (with an empahsis on excerise and calories).  He said that he wants to see me at 177.  I think I can do it.  That's about 16 lbs.  I think I can do it by April.

Yesterday was the first time I made it to the gym since the race.  I decided to run another 5k on the treadmill, just to prove I could do it and it wasn't a fluke!  I did. Woot.

It's been forever since I've written.  I think it's mostly because I fell off the wagon.  After I broke the 200lb mark, things just kinda started to fall apart for me.  I started snacking more and more on all the wrong things and I stopped excersizing.  I don't really know why, but  I did.  The weightloss came to a screeching hault (to be honest, I gained 5 lbs - back up to 203).  I was in shock for a while about it - called it a stall, cursed my scale, but it was all my own doing.  Rob went to see the surgeon because he was having some issues of his own.  Dr. W gave us what I call a Smackdown.  He explained that there was no reason that we shouldn't still be losing weight and prescribed us a more strict diet and sent us to a therapist.  It was just what I needed!  Like magic, the weight started coming off again (down to 194).  I have been doing really good at tracking my calories and paying more attention to what I put in my mouth.  I'm back at the gym - consistently and the scale is moving! (I am really not an idiot despite what you may read).

I'm signed up to do a 5k on Dec 19th and I'm gonna do great!  I'm hoping to beat my best time of 45 minutes.  I recognize that means I'm going to have work at that, but I am totally committed.   I KNOW I am going to make it to the hundred lb mark.  I hope by the first of the year, but I may even surprise myself and do it sooner.

I read a comment recently, "for some of us the weight just falls off - the rest of us have to fight for every pound".  That really struck a nerve with me.  I am going to be one of those that has to fight, I had a temper tantrum about that for a few months, but now I'm over it.  I AM going to fight for myself to beat this thing.  I didn't go through all of this for nothing.  I'll let you know how the 5K turns out.

Well the day has arrived!  I am under 200 lbs.  I can't believe it.  When I started college in 1992 I weighed 203lbs.  I am feeling awesome too.  I'm not really sure what else to say.  Oh!  I know!  I jogged for 17 minutes the other day without stopping.  That's a huge accomplishment for me too.  I think the longest I've ever made it before was about 4 minutes.  I also realized that it isn't so much about my physical ability, but about my mental ability.  Granted, I'm sure my physical ability has SOMETHING to do with it.  
BTW, disregard the date on the bottom of this image.  The picture was taken today 7/22/09.

This is what I'm eating as a type this.  I've seen several variations of this recipe online, but this is my version.  Personally, Rob and I think that the bananas are necessary otherwise the flavor leaves something to be desired.  I will say that the texture is somewhat mushier than a traditional pancake, but it still leaves you with the same satisfying feeling w/out the urge to nap afterwards.  I usually eat 3 pancakes with a piece of turkey sausage.  Rob can usually eat 5.  Either way, the recipe makes about 8 pancakes (small ones).

Really Good High Protein Pancakes for 2
1/2c Cottage Cheese
2TBS Greek Yogurt
2 Eggs
4 TBS Baking mix (like Jiffy or Bisquick)

Options:
1/4tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 Banana

Put all ingredients in a blender and mix to remove big lumps.  Cook in a frying pan on medium heat.  I'ved used oil and Cooking spray in the pan and both work just fine.  So use what you have.

I usually top mine with toasted walnuts, sugar free syrup and additional banana slices.

I'm sain again.  My temper tantrum and my stall are over.  I'm down another few pounds (the amount varies depending on where you start counting).  The total is 82lbs.  I can live with that.  I decided to kick it into gear by substituting my carbolicious snacks (like pretzels) with better proteinalicious snacks (like cottage cheese and pinapple).  I've also kicked it into gear with increasing my activity and trying to avoid the couch.  This morning I even took Ginger for a walk before coming to work (yes, I got my butt out of bed and went on a 30 min walk).  I took it at a slow pace because I really lack energy in the morning and I'm certainly wasn't cheery - but I did it.  Now even if I choose to not go to the gym tonight, I feel like I've already accomplished something.

Also on a positive note, I bought my second pair of size 16 pants.  I thought the first pair was a fluke, you know maybe these just run big, but the second pair was from Old Navy not the Ave or the Lane.  I have them on as I type this and I'm not gasping for breath or anything.  It feels great.

Ok, I realize that I may seem a little nuts today.  Maybe I am.  So I went to my 6 month follow up yesterday against my better judgement.  I've really been at a plateau lately.  Every couple of days I step on the scale up 2, down 4, up 4 down 1, up1 down three.  I'm bouncing all over the place.  I really didn't want to go to my appt because from the time I filled out the survey (the one the doc has us fill out prior to appts) last Friday until I stepped on the scale on Monday - I gained 5 lbs.  In my head I was attributing it to water weight or horemones.  So the Dr. was perfectly nice - didn't lecture me or anything.  Of course, he glowed on and on about how great Rob has done (blah blah blah).  He told me I had plenty to be proud of and have done better than many of his other patients.  He said that I have not been blessed with a good metabolism and that 180 is probably the lowest I'll go unless I plan to become a health nut/workout junkie. W.T.F!?!?!?!?

I'm pissed and freaking hungry!  I cannot seem to satisfy my urge to eat constantly (yesterday and today that is).  I keep telling myself its all in my head - that I'm not really hungry.  I am trying to avoid the carbs because from what I read carbs=bad news.  So here's what I've had today: 1 mini quiche (ham as crust), 1 slice Very Thin Bread, toasted, Peasant Soup, spinach pie and snackers.  I think that's not bad!  Ok, so I probably didnt need the snackers (see first sentace of this paragraph).  Even right now, I'm hungry!  I need to lock myself in a room with a hunk of meat.

Let me just state for the record, I'm not opposed to becoming a health nut or workout junkie, I just didn't think I'd have to do that to break the 200lb mark.  Don't get me wrong, I'm working out 3 times a week, walking the dog, riding my bike and taking yoga - I'm no slouch!  I'm WAY more active now than I have been in years!  This is effing ridiculous!  And to top it off, I look like crap today - my fat rolls are bigger than ever.  I look like I've gained 40 lbs.

Lord please help me to deal with this in a healthy manner.  I'm sure most of what I've written today isn't even true, but it is how I feel right now.

I went to support group this week.  I really enjoy going.  I think it's nice to be in a room full of people that understand.  Rob and my dad are nice, but this is just different.  I really want to keep going and maybe even make a friend or two out of the deal.  This month we all set individual goals to meet by next month.  Mine is to do the 5K on June 4th.  Now I guess I'm bound to it.

I don't do protein shakes.  I hate them.  As soon as I could consume enough protein to stop the shakes I stopped em.  I will nibble on meat all day if I have to - just to avoid protein shakes.  When I do need a protein boost, or even just want something tastey that isn't totally bad for me, this is what I reach for at the moment -
Nuts - usually smoked almonds or pistachios
ISS Oh Yeah Protein Wafer - totally yum.  Tastes like a candy bar to me.  I usually eat one wafer and save the other until tomorrow. 
ISS Oh Yeah Protein Bar - even yummier, but a little more dangerous unless I can find the snack sized.  When I buy the full sized bar, it's a little hard to stop unless I cut the bar in advance. 
South Beach Peanut Butter Bar - I'm not certain of the exact name because I don't have it in front of me, but it's the kind you find in the granola bar section of the grocery store (not the protein bar section).  It takes like the Peanut Butter Rice Crispy Treats that I used to make.  Feels like a real treat to me.  Note - I think the bars contain too much Malitol and give a little abdominal distress if I eat the bars two days in a row.  I take a one day break and I'm fine.
Mini Quiches - I took this tip from eggface!  I make up a batch of crustless quiches in a mini muffin pan, then I freeze them.  I usually have 2 in the morning for breakfast (with a piece of Very Thin Bread from Pepperidge Farm).

I will admit, i have been considering buying some Click because as the weather is getting warmer, I've been craving a frappucino.  I'm thinking that Click might do the trick.  If I do, I'll let you know.

Well I've arrived!  210 today.  It's officially the lightest I've been as an adult.  I'm super happy and once again believe that the surgery is working.  Of course I KNOW it's working, but every now and then I get panicked that I've reached my limit and I'm just going to stop losing.  The curious thing is that my clothes don't fit me like they did when I was this thin before.  For example the outfit I am wearing today used to fit me really nicely.  Today it's tight around my tummy and definitely shows the bulge underneath.  I know that the weight can come off in different places, but honestly I don't see it.  I don't have exceptionally skinny ankles or wrists.   Maybe I was more fit back then and had more muscle.  I think I'll go with that.

I started yoga this weekend.   It was great.  Harder than I was comfortable with, but the challenge felt fantastic.  I'm reasonably sore so it must be working.  I'm hoping that this kind of strength training will be good for me as I don't seem to be able to get into much of a weight lifting routine at the gym.  The weather has been beautiful and I have been taking Ginger on 2 mile walks instead of going to the gym.  Not a BAD choice, but I can do better.  I think I'll go to the gym today to get my heart rate up there.