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I am learing how many tools or suggestions are out there for those who have already had the surgery. I am going to add some things on here...if it helps cool...if not...well, I hope you can find what does. :) This whole thing is about learning and there are stages in the learning.

My husband:

had his surgery 6 months ago and has lost 10 lbs. His hold up has been his fills. He didn't get to where he felt anything until about a month ago. It's sooo hard and boy do I see him get discouraged and feel hopeless. I do think there is one setback with the surgery...long tedious moments between fills. I believe we should be able to get our fills every 2 weeks from surgery. I know they say "let yourself heal" but, by the time the healing/life regiments/etc happen a lot of people have lost their enthusiasm about the process. I wish I could see doctors speed up the fill process. There are a lot that believe if I comment and it involves me disagreeing with the process they have to defend...for those...again...this is my opinion. They also may think I am ungrateful to the doc...not true! Here is why: My husband went into this a food addict and well, he still is. We don't miraculously quit being food addicts just like people with addictions are always addicts. If we all could have followed the diet plans in life...we would have never needed surgery right? So, him not restricted and not being on pureed food well, it's like he was just through another diet and failed. The hunger comes back, the plate fills up more and more. The fills being month a part...it's hard! He had his surgery 6 months ago...he is now at that spot needed to feel restriction and he's at 10CC's. That's six months of being able to eat whatever he wanted.

Now with that said... He now has his fill and it has given him the gusto to get back up and dust off. He started walking with me again and thankfully there isn't a scale around for him to weigh in because if he didn't see results with all he has gone through I couldn't imagine his disappointment.

Now for me...

I had my surgery March 14, 2008. I lost 20 lbs right away because I ended up getting thrush from the surgery. My weight loss since has been a slow ride. I will say my will power and want is a lot stronger than my husband but, my weight loss was also slow. I went from Nov-April struggling with one flippin pound. I'd gain/lose/gain/lose that doggone pound! I just started losing weight again 2 weeks ago. If you asked me my workout schedule...you'd be shocked because it's a lot. I have officially lost 63 lbs since surgery. On May 14 it will have been 14 months! For a lot that is not fast enough and if you go into this/lap band and think it is fast...well, it's not. This is coming from a girl who walks/runs/weight lifts/etc There are days when I just would slump into a depression because I was doing what was needed. I had a lot of obstacles that took a lot to work out and I still have them. 1. is with the thrush came puking etc. Well, I puked on the protein powder so imagine my trying to get protein in. The smell even today makes me sick. That has been hard. I also do not like salmon. Finding high protein foods ...it's a process.

With this said... don't go into surgery thinking this is the fix. It's not... you are the fix! The holidays are still filled with food to get fat on, party stores still sell candy bars, grocery stores still have chips, the fast food restaurants are still out there, friends still want to have desserts ...it's hard. Oh the fish sandwich at McDonald's is 640 calories and a Strawberry margarita is 740. Shocking huh? I believe every freaking moment is a learning moment. Here are some things I have learned.

Now for the after band process of learning

1. I can still drink diet pop...and after having a pop addiction since age 11...this is a strong magnetic pull...but, people are correct...pop=cravings...even if it's a diet pop. Just like an alcoholic sometimes has to avoid certain things that remind them about drinking...I have to avoid pop or I crave that candy bar that tastes sooooo good with a nice fresh .63 cent pop!

2. THE SIZE MATTERS! If you find yourself not being able to eat...swallow...etc. Perhaps you haven't reached a certain aha moment. I was told cut things into the size of a kernel of corn or an M&M. I did this and I learned to like cold food. Yeap, I go against a certain rule in order to do this. I eat while doing other things. I find if I sit there with my food in front of me the slow process is hard to deal with. I want to take the next bite and have it over with. So, I talk with those around me, I sit at the computer so I can sit the plate aside and wait a moment, I watch tv. Yeap, I know the rule in the barix bible is sit at a table NO distractions...but, I need to be patient...eating takes a long time...and food gets cold. I needed to learn pace and if that called for distractions...then so be it. Oh, and sometimes people think they are too filled...but, honestly, it's just you are not cutting the pieces small enough or eating too fast. This is a big one for men.

MEN:
I have found men have a harder time learning about portion and bites. some not all women though were taught to take small bites because it's lady like...but, a man taking a sub and shoving it in his mouth is acceptable to see at a picnic. SOOOO with that said...already some women have an advantage of a small adjustment to bite size and some men get stuck with sub mentality and think..."oh crap...why am I vomitting...I must be too filled! Am I? I am taking small bites!" (not realizing the bite isn't small enough) Another gauge...if you can grab a hot dog and take a bite, chew a few times and swallow...there is a chance you are not filled enough. Eating a whole hot dog with bun is hard on a filled patient...unless you eat the hot dog first and then rip pieces of the bun. We as patients...our sweet spot should not mean we can eat a whole turkey burger on a bun. Salads take time. Oh, and well done steaks... yeah...I did away with those things...or the dried out roast...blah!

Oh, and another thing... chewing obsessively will not mean you can eat that hamburger and bun either. My husband was saying "Why? If I chew it until it's nothing...why can't I eat a bagel?" Yet, he can eat a whole burrito, then some rice, and if he wanted...some other thing he could find to put on the plate. Yet, he can't seem to eat that bagel. So, is he filled enough? Hmmmm... not really ...he just can't eat bagels. .try these things first. Try eating some soup and then eating something else. Is it morning? Sometimes surgery is about problem solving. I hope all these suggestions help you problem solve so you aren't getting a fill, taking it out, getting a fill taking it out, etc. It's a learning process that takes a lot of purging to figure out the science of it all.

3. Becoming a conscious eater. This was a big one. The part where I look around and see how the rest of the world eats and think...OMG...people don't taste their food do they? I def. taste each bite. I think about each bite. I put my serving of beans on my plate RIGHT AWAY! If I don't...people will grab grab grab and then there I sit...wanting to eat beans but, I was too late. People sometimes are soooooo busy eating they don't  notice the lap band girl eating slowly and plans on beans but, wanted to eat her meat first and in case she doesn't have room she doesn't want to dish out beans just to throw them away. DISH THEM OUT!!!! People are NOT going to be polite and ask you if you planned on having any before they scoop their seconds.

4. Become a food strategist... I look at the plate and think...yeah I might want the potatoes the most...but, I need to eat the meat first and then if I am hungry still...then I'll go after the other stuff. I do this with salads too...I eat the toppings and then if I am not full I attempt lettuce. (yesterday I ate turkey, blue cheese, pine nuts FIRST then my romaine.) Why get stuck on lettuce and then not eat lunch? In the mornings...well, some of us can't eat...but, if I eat soup first...I somehow can eat other things later or at that moment. When you see your food look at it like a football coach looks at his opponents...divide and conquer. I HAVE to do this. If I don't then I starve and the candy bars at circle K can make my low sugar body cave! So, I had to learn to pick the most important foods first...then anything extra last. First meat, then beans, and if I am not full...maybe some potato. First the soup, then maybe the shrimp.

5. It's not about low carb etc. It's about eating healthy foods and portions. If you try to live with some of the rules ...well, sometimes it fails ya. Here's a rule we are taught in our barix books ...don't eat tomato soup...too much sugar. Well, here is my rule... half cup of tomato soup when I am having a bad day with being able to eat (whether it's time or some days my restriction is more) is NOT going to make the world blow up, nor is it going to make me gain a pound. I write it down...and work with my later meals. This is not a gastric bypass solution...bypass people will dump. I can go to lunch with friends...see the menu is nothing but fried...but oh look tomato soup...do I not eat and get sick later? Or do I just eat the dang tomato soup? I EAT THE SOUP! (yes I know...look ahead at the menu...well, sometimes people call at 10:50 to say they need to talk and can I meet them for lunch at 11:10 at so and so restaurant...well, I go...she's upset... and well...not time to see what's on the menu LIFE HAPPENS)

6. GASP...sometimes the boards are not healthy. I know...kick me. If you are on your period and haven't lost any weight for a really long time ...well, coming to the boards and hearing other people's success can leave you in this self abuse attitude "What's wrong with me, I can't stand this, why can't I lose weight, why can't I just live with being fat so this doesn't hurt so much, gosh, I am such a b**** because I should be happy for so and so but, I feel upset." Yeap, when you are in a depression or stall ...sometimes taking some time off of the boards can help. Oh, and not getting on scales.

7. Don't tell people I had the surgery! Gosh, people can do sooooo many things that are rude. 1. Oh, you took the easy way out. 2. My friend had that and she's fatter than ever...so, it's only going to last for a little while. 3. My husband would never want me to do that...it's such a selfish route when you could die all in the name of losing weight...you are lucky you didn't leave your children motherless. 4. So, did you have surgery or something? You look great! Oh, you did...OHHHHHH (in a surprised voice...this one is upsetting when I know I am eating right and exercising and the band alone hasn't done me anything but, made me not eat as much) .... I could go on and on and on with what people say. Sometimes it's easier to just say "I exercise and eat right." or "Thank you." I do have people who know...but, I learned within the first few months ...as EACH one of these were said to me.

8. The FEEL of true hunger. I never realized that i had NO clue what hunger felt like. When I have only 15 minutes to eat and I choose lettuce...OMG then I eat one leaf and am stuck and have to leave before I can eat more and then can't get to food until 3 hours later... THAT is hunger. This feeling has helped me to strategize better. I feel my stomach ache, growl, want, and ...well... I needed to eat the easier food first! My husband JUST learned this one.

9. Exercise is for life. Yeap, even when you get to goal....exercise will still be needed...you WILL be old and decrepit and STILL need to do some water walking, mall walking, or something. The weight does not stay off without exercise.

10. Hide the scale during periods!

11. Cereal for lunch is good! Soup for breakfast is also good. Let go of the NORMS and just do what's good *for you*

12. Throwing away food will not starve some child in Africa! It's okay... it really is okay to just toss that salad you couldn't finish ...don't sit there and hope or stick it in the fridge and hope...just throw it away and let go of all that flippin guilt that was taught!

Oh, I could go on and on ....There are some hard ones like...people who are truly hurt when their fat mom/friend/etc gets to a size that is either the same or close to theirs. This is a hard one. I told my son the other day that I have 11 lbs until I am in the 100's He said "well that makes me feel good." in a sarcastic, disappointed voice. I felt bad for his feelings...I mean he's such a giving kid and my weight loss is making him wonder who he is and is he okay...if we are ever the same weight...what does that mean? I tried to turn it into a joke.... "Well, THANKS" with a smile. "No mom...I mean...well you are big boned I guess...not that you are fat etc." He loves me...doesn't want to hurt me...and so I said...Nick, I am obese...I know this! Don't worry about  hurting my feelings at all. My son btw isn't overweight...he is tall...he runs track but, he's a 14 year old kid who has long ago passed my height. Seeing himself at 170 and me losing ... well, it makes him wonder if he's fat. So, yeah, that part sucks. By the end of the convo I had him laughing his butt off.

The part that I wish there was a better process to learning. The truth is...everyone learns different. My husband JUST reached the "full is not when you are stuck...it's the couple bites before that." He is now not vomiting as much. He is now working on portion sizes...he gets his plate full, eats, then stops, then realizes ...he can't eat the rest...He has NOT learned the "throwing food away is okay" so, his mother's voice is still in there going "You best eat what you put on your plate MISTER" so, portions pretty soon I am sure will go down for him...hopefully...I am sooo tired of throwing out food he feels guilty for leaving. This will help him realize the portions he dishes out for others is WAY overboard. He thought he could eat the plate if he just chewed, chewed, chewed...well, not true. Plus, why put OUR portion confusion that got us fat onto the next generation.

Oh, another thing I have seen...the friend who is shocked at your dinner menu.

Friend "So, whatchya having for dinner"
Me "Fish and broccoli."
Friend "IS THAT IT?"
Me "Well, yeah, broccoli is pretty filling and fish is great for ya..."
Friend "What are the kids eating?"
Me "The same."
Friend "is that enough? JUST fish and broccoli?"
Me "Well, they can have all the broccoli they want and if they get hungry later they can have a snack. I wouldn't let them starve."
Friend "I can't imagine not having THREE things...you should have one more of something!"
Now for me... I start second guessing this menu...I then find myself making potatoes with it. Sean and I don't even touch the potatoes...and we have left over broccoli (that he swears someone is going to eat as he puts it in the fridge due to starving kids in Africa) because the kids filled up on potatoes.
Now for a week later with friend
Friend "Uhm...I want you to know you have me eating more veg tables."
Me "How so?"
Friend "I realized I need to eat more fruits and veg tables instead of feeling like I have to have all these starches. A person can eat a dinner without starches. I come from a southern family and life is all about sides. We sometimes had six different sides. I can't imagine eating chili without a peanut butter sandwich. I can't imagine eating fajitas without refried beans/rice/ and one more side. I realized having fish with broccoli is okay."
Me "Cool"
Truth is...I learned that I was right...we didn't need the darn potatoes unless we wanted them.

I'll shut up now.

I think many go into this feeling it's going to last without having to change anything...and that it's the right fix. I think it matters where you are. Sometimes people get the surgery before they are ready...hopefully afterward a light bulb goes on. SERIOUSLY...I hope this makes sense. We can get the surgery and think life starts then...once I have it...it's smooth sailing. Uhm...no it's not..unless you have the switch turned on.

Here is some aha moments I had recently...

1. did anyone watch biggest loser? One admitted to getting gastric bypass...and my husband called me (he is coming home today from being out of town for work) and said "Look at so and so's scars...those are lap band scars" SOOOO 2 contestants on the BIGGEST biggest loser have had surgery. These contestants are known as the heaviest ever on the show...and it's sad to see they have been thrown backwards...but, at least maybe they will get some help there. I wanted to bring this up...because WOW...what a reality check. I now am waiting for the phone calls "See....waitloss surgery doesn't work" from my  naysayers but, it does work...for those who get *head ready*

2. An example...my husband had the surgery and he has yet to lose...in fact he's heavier NOW...he had surgery in September. He wasn't head ready. This has been sooooooooo hard on me and my own battle. *ugh* I think he is finally coming around to head ready...he has laid out a plan. He also had a reality check with biggest loser. He sees that the right fill isn't going to solve the battle for him.

3. Another realization...Not everyone around me is going to be *on the wagon* and OMGoodness...I need to be strapped in tight to my own wagon! My husband being the leader of the pack who have an arm on me at times as he falls. It is hard but, I have choices...let go and watch him fall and see him down on the ground and realize that is the only way I can help him and myself ...or I can fall off thinking he is getting all the fun...*food rewards* and I don't wnat to miss out. This holiday season it's been a struggle ...a tug of war. I love him dearly but, he comes home with a bag of chips, some candy, etc. I feel like an alcoholic living in a bar. I officially gained 5 lbs over this holiday and while he's been gone I have been purging the house of goodies. I have lost 4 of my 5 pounds and every day it's a battle to drive to the gym. SOOOO the aha for me is I have to make sure my head is in marathon mode because I live in a house with someone who is off the wagon...that means I need to make sure I am wearing my seat belt on this thing. Everyone...please get a seatbelt (support)

4. You can't do it without exercise. SORRY...but, that is the TRUTH...get a wii, get a treadmill, go to a mall, go see a rehabilitation person, find a public pool, whatever you need...you need to find some sort of way to move. You can do it at home. Put your favorite song on and just move...dance, sway, sit in a chair and move each body part...something. I do hear of back problems etc. I know my mom had a knee issue and so, that made it hard for her to exercise. If you have these you need to contact a professional and find a way. I recommend the pool...under a physicians guidance. Don't just wait to lose the weight and then exercise.

5. have small goals... it helps.

This truly is like AA ... I believe I have an addiction. I believe we are not alone (Look at Oprah) and I wish I had money lol...seriously...if I did I would make a bariatric nutritional class/counseling and let it be free. I'd run it like an AA group...I'd say "Hi, I'm Shawna and I am a foodaholic...my last lyndt ball was around Christmas...and I had about 6... Oh, and a cookie." I think having to admit that would be a big step. I could have a sponsor...(gosh wouldnt that be nice) and hopefully one day be a sponsor and wear my food sober chips. Since I don't have these...that is what I am doing right now...looking for a sponsor...the boards are wonderful...but, I am one of those FA (food addicts) who need face to face accountability.

So I agree Jenise...the Barix is for surgery...the recovery is for us to find...I guess it's kind of like we went to the detox hospital and now its over and it's very important we find the resources of sober/healthy lifestyle living. (can you tell I watch intervention lol)

Today I plan on making a doc appt. get my blood pressure, ldl, and the other one, blood surgar, my C-reactive protein, THS thyroid check...and also go get a pelvic exam. I need to make sure these are in check...I can be cleared to BUMP up my exercise (I was doing curves..I have since started elliptical, swimming, some classes, and strength training.) and hopefully ask him if I can take a nutritional class I took about hmmm...3 or 4 years ago when I wasn't head ready...and again find some sponsor...even if it's only my doctor for now.

Well, I have quit curves. I realized it was not challenging for me at all. I had some hesitations because curves is near my house and with winter I was afraid I wouldn't get my work out in. I found myself not wanting to go though because I was sooooooooo bored with it.

I am now at the YMCA and I am doing the elliptical, strength training, swimming, and an occassional class if I can get to it. I had gained 5 lbs during the holidays and I have already had 3 or 4 pounds come off (it fluctuates).

Did you watch biggest loser? did you see the people with lap band scars AND the guy who talked about gastic bypass and yet he was among the biggest contestants? wow...what an eye opener huh? This really is just a tool...and I really do need to get my head as strait about why I was/am fat ...I do not need to fall off the wagon and have risked my life for nothing. Well, time to get the daughter ready for school...ttfn.

Since most who read my journal on here are WLS patients...I am hoping this doesn't come out offensive. It's honest feelings though...and after reading Mick's it inspired me to write the words that are felt but, guilt makes me sometimes keep them in.

The buffet thing. Mick talked about it. When going to a buffet it's about getting the monies worth. I grew up poor...so, I am all about getting my monies worth. When I go to a waterpark...I get there when it opens and I don't leave until it closes. Many people say to me "Shawna, let me know because I'll bring my own car." So, I am a big *monies worth* fanactic myself. This is why since my band I do not go to buffets. It's not only a place to fail...but, truly what are we paying? Obesity, diabetes, doc visits for these, and maybe an early death. I realized one day when at a Chinese buffet...no one in there was in healthy shape. That was a big eye opener.

Food addiction... I am a big believer on this. I know so many people who do not believe in this...but, they are either in denial or clueless because they never had to deal with it. It becomes the comforter, reward, etc emotionally food can take on many personalities and feelings. I know I am a food addict...with a band. I guess I am kind of like an alcoholic with a sponsor?? It helps but, it's up to me. I wish there was a place near me ... an O.A. because I would go. I need a food sponsor... a buddy...I have them virtually but, here at home I lack the resources...so, I guess I am an addict without a person sponsor but, my band does help me.

Last, the feelings some of us have after surgery when we watch someone in our old self shoes. I don't have this yet. Right now I am in the stage where I pity and want to say "You should get a band" but, I don't. I know this would be mega rude. It's just I think if they too could get one they would know how good it feels to have hope. Now, I know others who feel anger, frustration, etc when they see this after they have had surgery and lost weight.  I think the reason for these feelings is...it's hard to watch someone slowly kill themselves like *the person angry did* before surgery. I guess maybe it's like a drug addict who is recovered watching someone else pick up a meth pipe and go into the role they once played. It's very hard. It is a reminder of the old ways and the person doesn't like the old them (I agree with not liking the old person.

Another analogy is when I was a teen I was in an abusive relationship. I stayed for years, thought I didn't have no other way, had no self esteem, and gave up the dream of happy and love. I woke up though... I got out, got healthy, became strong, etc. Now, with a loving husband, 3 awesome kids, and knowing what respect, love, and true happiness feels like ...I have a really hard time watching women stay in such relationships...I especially have a hard time when they have kids. I many times have to take myself out of the situation because I can't watch it. The back of my mind *gets it* the whole abuse syndrome, low selfesteem, etc but, the healthy me knows it's sooo worthless. When people get healthy with eating..maybe this is where the anger/frustration comes from. We can't watch the self abuse...because we know what it feels like to get help and find a new way to comfort, celebrate etc. (I'm not perfect at this yet...still have times when I fall..especially around that time of the month) The reality is like drugs, abuse, and food there is a death scare, health problems, and in the end how emptiness of fleeting satisfaction or good feeling.  I think many of us feel these things...anger/frustration or like me pity but, we dont' talk about it. We feel guilty.

Now for my latest issue...food frustration and wanting to hoard. I'll explain it. I watch those around me eat, I watch how big of bites people take, how they just swallow it with barely chewing, how they keep shoving it in even when they said "Oh, man I am full" How there is mindless eating ...they don't look at the plate, they just shovel or pick it up. This one is very hard on me because I share plates with people. I can't eat a whole serving (well, people without band serving i should say) and because I take my time, chew, relax, ...well I miss out. The other person eats the whole plate and I am stuck not feeling full. I finally said something because I was harboring anger...I said "I feel like the last kid out of a family of 10 to be ladeling out my soup! I am hungry and you ate the food without even watching it, dividing it, realizing I had 2 shrimp out of 20...I think you are mindless eating...just sticking it in and not taking inventory."  I know that sounds mean...but, I was starving in the shadows. I couldn't take it...I felt as if I was being taken advantage of. It's been a dangerous situation too... I find myself demanding my own plate (this person thinks it helps save dishes to spoon my portion on their plate) and I find myself hiding food. I hide things I know I can eat because if I don't...well, I go without eating. So, now I find myself hoarding food.

These are some issues with WLS...I guess I just don't hear a lot about.

I thought for a day it was six months out (Thanks Deb for fooling me lol) But, I am actually 5 months. I am 50 lbs lighter and although, I thought I'd be miss skinny right now...I realize this is a process and I had to let go of many demons. I had to say goodbye to the scale...goodbye to my need for numbers, and goodbye to beating myself up over both of these. I somedays mess up..and eat some things I shouldn't...and well, I have had to relearn what eating even is.

In the morning I can't eat as much. I wanted to do the whole 'make breakfast your biggest/nutrional meal' but, for some reason as the day goes by my band finally relaxes and I can eat a more healthy sized meal. I think i am going to try shakes in the morning. This may help.

I have learned the art of cutting up food. I had a pork loin last night...only could eat half...but, I had to cut it up into the size of kernels of corn. It's tedious...but, what everyone in the world should do...it gives time to think about what is being eaten, how it tastes, time to sit back and talk to take a breather, etc.

I have not been a big bread girl ever...now I am a NO bread girl. Bread makes me get stuck...and well..then things get slimy so... the whole bread thing is gone...along with the pizza thing...I hate pizza anyone.

Broccoli I still haven't mastered...I can eat it in soup though...sometimes.

Well, this is me 5 months out... Sept 10 my hub gets his PATS and Sept 26 he has his surgery with Schram. His name is Zildjian in my friends list (he's a drummer) and well, Sean in real life... I know I know...how poetic Sean and Shawna...we get that a lot lol...meant to be I guess.

Oh, the bad part of this is how people I am with tend to watch my food and see if I am not going to be able to eat ..and if so can they benefit. I have become very territorial over food. I only can eat a little and I really like having left overs. That has been a frustrating part of this...people hoping I either get full or sick. UGH.

I know that my body has to reach a stall now. I have been getting into that scale addiction habit... I wake up, urinate, get naked, and weigh. I am now up to 44 lbs of weight loss. I am now going to make myself put up the scale for a little while... probably a month. The biggest way to sike myself out is to get too hopeful. I have this way of not remembering the 44 but, starting to get down over the 0 of new weight loss. It's reality that we all hit a stall...so, I need to know my patterns and try to change them.

I was at Kroger yesterday and I bought a new water jug. It holds all the water I am supposed to drink in a day. I am hoping this works and helps me not to buy water bottles that are anti-green/environmental. I don't know how well it will work at Curves ...it's big lol but, I can always drink afterwards. The problem may be keeping it cold. My husband suggested I keep it half full and in the freezer at night and when I get up add water and it will stay cold. I also love the taste of lemon sooo I am going to have to add a little to the water. If you only knew my disgust for water before surgery. I have been a pop drinker since age 11. I finally switched to diet pop 3 or 4 years ago ...but, before I switched and after I drank about a 2liter a day.

I am seeing some great recipes lately. One from Egg face and one from Mick. I found 2 I can use even... the part I don't understand is how they can eat some stuff. Well, maybe I could understand egg face... she was gastric bypass. (Oh and check out her latest post of her fridge..isn't that awesome how she keeps her fridge so full of supplies...HEaLTHY supplies. I also love her picture of herself...the before pic etc. I am going to have to do that. Anyhow, I got off topic. I can't eat bread. I can eat right now about a thumb size...maybe a little more. Soooo... I see breads, broccoli, etc in their recipes and I am wowed. Maybe it's because they had their surgery way before I did. Now, as far as Mick's exercise routine... MY WORD! 500 crunches a day? He should almost become a fitness trainer! I told my husband yesterday..."When I lose weight...I'm going to run and do yoga" lol...hey we all have goals.

:) I am starting to lose. I have lost 43 lbs since March 14, 2008. I believe I am finally at my sweet spot. This means I have to really think while I eat. Before, I had to cut it up small and I could drink, eat, etc but, only a plate full. Now, well, I can eat the size of my thumb or a little more. I can't drink while I eat and I can't drink before I eat. I have to take my time while doing everything. I realized I am not alone with the 'can't eat much in the morning, but, at night I can eat more." My friend Debbie from Texas said she has the same thing. I don't know why it's hard to eat for breakfast...not hard as in I am sick...but, hard as in I can't really eat much due to my stomach being smaller.

I also am happy to announce I am sitting here in my skinny jeans. Well, okay, not skinny skinny...but, they were small a month ago and now I am wearing them.

I am at 7.5 CC's by the way

I was stirred by a thought ... something I also hope to achieve through weightloss that is purely not a good reason but, one I do cherish. The feeling of being feminine. I think it'd be nice to have my husband be able to hold me. Oh, he does now...but, not like I am imagining. I think to the world obese women lose their girlyness with the bulk. If this makes sense.. well good if not... well...it is almost 2am and I can't sleep.

Well, I had my fill. My husband had a work lunch so he didn't go but, I called my friend Sarah. She couldn't believe how quick and painless the process was. I did let my doc know how bummed I am about the lack of restriction. He told me MOST feel it on number 3 but, I have to go slow with the proces because they don't want me throwing up. The only restriction I had was to drink water before I leave. I thought it would be to be on liquids or mushy foods etc. So, I ate some hummus and garlic paste from La Shish for dinner. Today I went to lunch with my friend... and well, I feel restriction. I don't know if I am swelled though. It may just be swelling and in a week I will feel as if I never had the band again...so, I'll have to let you know how that goes. Today for lunch I had tomato/basil soup...not even a cup and a few bites of my salad...each were considered a half portion so that is restriction...oh and I can't drink diet pop. I hope this is RESTRICTION and not swelling.

My friend Sarah said she couldn't believe how quick it was. This is number 2 fill  for me. I have 5.4 cc's in me now. My next appt is June 11th...sooo we'll see where I am in a couple of weeks.

The feelings deep down inside about this process.

I counted down my lap band day thinking this was the day of a new me...a birth of a new me. That was March 142008. To be honest... it hasn't been a new me. Oh, I have scars... 5 of them. Oh, and I did get thrush that caused me to lose 20 lbs. But, after that first week/thrush...the scale stopped. I put the scale away. I then would wait...I'd weigh 1 day a week.... 2 pounds up, 2 pounds down, and I went through this process. As of today I have lost 24 lbs. I know what people say "Be grateful, at least it's something...you should be proud...oh but, I bet your body is changing blah blah blah. So, I set up a date with my curves person to be weighed and measured... but, still... didn't really inspire me as I watch others losing 30, 40, 50, pounds... and I feel like a failure. So, I decide to stay away from here... away from the boards, away from those with success because I realize I am using it to beat myself up over my failure to be part of that losers bench. So, I start counting down to my first fill...obviously my first fill is when it will all change huh? I tell the doc how I feel. He says...yeap you are right on target...most do not feel restriction until fill number 3...and well, with being booked we can't usually get people in earlier than every 6 weeks. My heart sunk more. This could easily be July before I can even feel anything. So, he allows me to make my first 3 appts now so I don't have to wait so long. I go home hoping I'll be among the few that feel it after fill one. I don't.

I feel defeated. I am at a point where I again want to comfort myself with food. Tomorrow is fill number 2. I am hoping this will be my new birth date...the day I feel restriction. I am trying NOT to get my hopes up. So, I wonder...am I beating myself up ... in order not to feel the let down I felt when I realized...surgery was the process...but, not the START to restriction. I am still the overweight girl trying to stay on a diet. I lack my tools still.

On the happy side...I am working out at curves 3 days a week since May 3rd.

I just feel like there was a misunderstanding on my part. I am a person who needs to know the downs, who tries not to get too excited because then I won't feel such a let down when it doesn't come through...but, with this I let my guard down. I allowed myself to get excited.

I wish someone would have sat me down and said "Shawna... you are having surgery March 14th but, there is a huge chance you will NOT have restriction until June." If I had understood this... I probably would have felt emotionally  more prepared to not see the scale move. Now, I know a lot on here did have better results, they had restriction right after surgery...or right after fill one. But, I was among a happy majority who don't. I do hope to go to another support so at least I can get that. I also wish I had someone near me who wanted to be a buddy to go through this. I wish I had a fat sponsor ...lol someone who talks sense into me when I am giving up. A person who reminds me to read things that are in some book of advice on how to keep my chin up...some mantras, someone to walk with, someone to swim with, a group to just pop in on when I feel soooo down... yet, the one we have here is only once a month.

I do have a wonderful support from a girl who had her surgery on the same date...she's from Texas...I don't know where I would be without her. She lets me know ... I am not the only one who makes mistakes and reminds me it's a learning process. I owe a lot to her.

I keep thinking...I wish I found someone near me...in my backyard...someone to maybe swap menus... etc.

Sorry to be a downer. I just need to get these feelings out. I do hope... even though it's a downer...it may help someone know the reality is... we don't all feel in control and restricted when we are out of surgery...not even after the first fill...sometimes not even after the second one. Plus, maybe the third one...but, honestly, won't know till I get there.