Too Long...

Dec 12, 2009

I have not posted here for well over a year...so many things to tell, say, explain. Let's begin here...
I had my Gastric Bypass in September of '07, my highest weight was at 310! Through my journey I have lost 163 lbs. Sounds great right, it has it's good and the bad.
Before my surgery (a year) I had a child (a son) that was born with Congenital Heart Disease, he had an open heart sugery when he was 7 days old. He made it, we where by his side vigilently for a month, he came home. :) On Friday the 24th of February I took him to see his Cardiologist, she said that he was doing great, and that whatever I was doing, to keep doing it because they did not expect him to  survive this long. She was going to schedule his final surgery, talk with the surgeons on the following Tuesday to schedule his final procedure, replacing his Mitral Valve....that night, something was off, not right, my husband took the first part of the morning to take care of him, he woke me aboiut 9:30 am to take over so he could rest. I made him a bottle, he was so fussy, walked a bit with him, then sat down on my loveseat with him, my oldest daughter was sitting next to me eating Ramen. While i was holding him he remained unsetteled and I thought it was a good idea to call his Cardologist, to explain the nights events...while I was on hold at exactly 10:14 am my sons eyes rolded back and he was gone,,,,I tried admistering CPR, told my daughter to call 911 (you have no idea to stupid shit they ask you before they send an ambulance out) I rushed into my husbands room and woke him and he tried CPR, the ambulance got there and tried in the house to revive him, then tey took him tlo the ambulance and tried there, it was a rainy morning (I hate rain now) and it felt like a lifetime standing by the ambulance not knowing what was going on, just praying, praying for my baby, my only son. One guy came out and told me they where going to the ER and said he would take me in his ambulance...it felt like forever to get there. They got him into the ER and tried there best, I could see his belly becoming so inflated, I was miserable and beside myself, my husband arrived and then they said it...we have to call it Sir...no, not my William, my sweet William, this is not happening. He said ok, and they called it a 12:01 pm, my baby was gone. Why me? I asked that question for so long wothout answers, I have come to accept that God would not have wanted him to suffer throughout his life because he would of had surgeries on his heart every 3 years. I can live with that.
My husbands oldest son, LCPL Travis T. B. was pondering the idea of joining the Marines his senior year, I called a recruiter and tried to get him into the delayed entry program, but sould not because his mother said he was "man enough" to do it. That is your job as a mother to make your child, encourage your child to become a man/woman, whatever it may be. He finished high school and went to bootcamp shortly after, he graduated bootcamp and we were there for the graduation, he was a man, he was a standing tall proud man, a Marine. I asked him if he regretted me calling, he said sometimes but reasurred me that it was besti .
He was stationed in Hawaii, then we got the news, he going to be deployed to Afghanistan....no, not my only son left, yes my step-son, but I raised him for 5 years, he was an exceptionaly great teenager, always doing what was asked without hesitaion, perfect...I asked him to let his Father and Mother to sign a waiver that would state because he was our sole surving son, he would not be deployed, he said no, he said "Dorothy, go get the Bible, open it to Isiah 6:8 it states "I heard a voice of the sovereign master say, "Whom will I send? Who will go on our behalf?" I ansered, "Here I am, send me!' Travis told me that is why he wanted to go, I accepted it and let him go,,,He was there 3 months, strong in his faith and was learning to be a Lay Reader for his felllow brothers, on Monday August 3rd he caled and asked us to try to send commuinion wafers and grape juice or wine if we could. My husband always ended the conversation with "I love you son, I am so proud of you" Thursday August 6th we got a knock on the door and opened it to see 2 Marines in there dress blues...I said no, no, no, they came in and started reading the report, they ran over an IED roadside bomb and he was KIA. Why him, he was so good, after that I blackeout persay, I have no recollection of the month of August nor part of September. I was mourning the loss of Travis and the loss of my sweet William, what happened? Where did I go? I have no answers, now, I am at the point that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I was at 163 when all of that took place, I dropped down to 140, where I am now, I take my vitamins everyday, but, I have desire for food.
We bought a new home, a fresh start, a new beginning if you say...I got my dream home, but I have lost so much before it.
I am grateful for my husband, ny children, they all stood by my side. My youngest one day cam and sat next to me and said "I miss my mom, the one that would laugh and make jokes, rearrange songs into funny songs, I want her back" that made me try to move forward, for the sake of my children.
I don't know if anyone would read this because if is so long....but if you do, thank you for taking the time to listen to me pour out my emotions, this is the first time I have written it all down, I feel better, I am trying to move forward, and to eat, I do not want to disappear. I am thankful for my surgery, but I am trying so hard to maintain my healt. I will continue to try....
Dorothy

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