songem
I am 27 years old approximately 5'9" tall and weigh
346 pounds. I have been researching this surgery off
and on for 10 years. I once even applied to the
insurance company and was denied. I am glad that
I was denied then because I know I was not
ready for such a drastic change in my life.
I know now that I am, and that I will do
whatever it takes to be able to live in
a normal body again. I was recently diagnosed
with diabetes. I have hip, knee, back, and
foot problems. I have had to have 2 foot surgeries
due to the pressure of playing Sepa and my weight
and landing on my feet. I now cannot play Sepa
anymore. well I must run. will update again soon.
10/23/2003
I had an appointment with my pcp on
Tuesday for follow up on my diabetes
diagnosis, and to get a letter of medical
necessity. I am now on medication to help
control my diabetes & doc is in the process
of writing the letter. I have my first
appointment with my surgeon on November 8th.
I keep thinking I don't know if I can wait
that long. I know I will have to wait longer
than that though because I can't get an
appointment for a psych evaluation
until the 20th of November...Arghh!!!
I am trying to get together all of the
information I am going to need to send to
the insurance when I apply for this surgery.
I keep thinking I am going to miss something
and they are going to deny me.
will update again soon.
11/2/03
Only six more days until my appointment.
I am getting more and more anxious about it.
I feel like I am in limbo waiting for this appointment.
Then again I may not know what limbo feels
like until I have applied for approval from the
insurance. Then I will truly be in limbo
waiting for a decision. I am trying to get my
PCP to send the paperwork to the sleep study
doctors so that they will let me make an appointment
to see if I do in fact have Sleep Apnea,
which I believe I do. I have been leaving
messages with his nurse but I swear she never
calls me back. I must be going.
I will update again soon.
11/9/03
I had my appointment last night. It went really
good. My weight is 349 and my height is 5'6" and
my BMI is 52. My surgeon is a very busy man though
and I was waiting for 2 1/2 hours. I was expecting
that and brought a book to read. My surgeon
is also a transplant surgeon and is very
busy. My appointment was cut short because he
was on call and had to do an appendectomy on
a pregnant woman. But for the short
time I was able to talk to him I was impressed.
He is very passionate about this surgery, and
gets very angry when the insurance subject comes up,
because he cannot believe how insurance companies
view this surgery, and how difficult it is to
get approved. He has been doing it for more than
20 years. It looks like I will have a tough time
getting approved because of my insurance. I have
some more papers I need to get to them, and some
more tests to have done before they will send
the 1st paperwork to my insurance. Vickie, the one
in the office who takes care of the insurance
is great. She said it will probably take at least
3 months. She also said that I will likely be denied on
my 1st letter, because that is the way that
Aetna usually works. I am going to go into this
with a positive attitude believing that I will be
able to have this surgery sometime next year. I just
have to say, here comes true limbo while
I wait for the insurance and the appeal. But
in the meantime I am going to get started
on my exercise program. I am hoping this
will aid in my recovery after the surgery.
I will update again soon.
12/20/2003
Wow it has been a while since I last
updated this. I have been dragging my
feet, as the saying goes. I think I was
so afraid of being denied that I procrastinated
about getting my paperwork into the surgeon so
they could send the letter. Yesterday I got
the final piece of paper I needed.(the psych
evaluation) and when I left the psychiatrists
office I went strait to the surgeons office
to give them everything I had. Vickie said
the letter will be sent on Monday. I am so
excited that it is on its way, and scared that
I wont be approved.
Will try to come back and update soon. Hopefully with good news.
1/18/04
I called Dr. Belnap's office on Thursday
to find out if the letter had been sent
yet. Vickie said that she couldn't send the
letter yet because the psych consult letter
stated I had a follow up appointment for
depression and that I was waiting for the sleep
study. Without the information from both of
these appointments my letter would surely be
denied. So, I asked her for an example letter,
to give to the Psychiatrist so that he would know
exactly what was needed for the letter. I had an
appointment with the psychiatrist on Friday
1/16/04. I picked up the example letter on my
way to see him. When I told him that I needed him
to write me a letter he was very irritated. I gave
him a copy of the example letter and when he read
it he seemed even more irritated. It really pissed
me off. I was thinking, he agreed that I need the
surgery and that it would give me the tool to
vastly improve my life, and here he is bitching
about how he needs to write the letter again.
Like he wasn't being paid to help me anyway.
I was rather upset. He said he would write
the letter and I told him just to send it to
the surgeon's office.
I had my sleep study consultation appointment
on 1/13/04 at LDS Hospital. It was a really
easy appointment. I got weighed and according
to their scales I was 342 so I have lost 7
pounds, and I wasn't even trying :) The Dr.
agreed that I needed to have the actual study
done and that having the surgery would definately
help me. The study was set up for Saturday 1/17/04.
I had to be at the hospital by 8PM. When I got
there they showed me to my room and had me fill
out some paperwork. Then the 2 technicians came
in and attached alot of electrode type things
to my head, face chest and legs to monitor
everything while I slept. They also had a belt
to go around my chest and one around my waist.
(like I have one) These were to measure the rise
and fall of my chest while I breathed. I went to
sleep at 11PM and they woke me up at 1AM to put
the C-PAP machine on me. Obviously I needed it.
I didn't have any trouble sleeping with it
on and I didn't think it was that uncomfortable.
So now I am just waiting for the Sleep Dr. to
call me and tell me the results.
I have been reading alot here on this website
this week. I found the memorial page the other
day. I cried alot when I was reading the
memorials. It brought to life the reality that
I could die having this surgery. I always knew
that it is one of the risks, but I don't think
the reality of it ever hit me. After reading all
of the memorials I had a talk with my Mom and let
her know how I would like everything handled in the
event that I actually do die. It hasn't changed
my mind any. I don't feel like I live much now.
I still believe that the benefits outway the
risks, and I don't think anything could change
my mind about this. I know how I live today.
The things I go through on a daily basis
from being as overweight as I am, and the way
I feel everyday. I know that many things will
change for the better after the surgery, because
I will have the one tool that I don't have now
to make my life better.
Anyway, I better stop now before I ramble
on too much.
I will update again soon I hope.
2/1/2004
Just a quick update. I was positively
diagnosed with Sleep Apnea.I am getting
my C-pap machine tomorrow. My letter was sent
to the insurance on Monday the 26th. I am
going to call the insurance tomorrow to make
sure the letter has been received and to find
out what the status is.
I will update again soon.
2/8/2004
I still have not called the insurance to find
out about the letter. I think I am afraid of
what they will say. I will try and call them
tomorrow. I have my C-pap now and I don't seem
to have much trouble sleeping with it on. I wake
up with a backache everday though because of
sleeping on my back all night. It's a change from
the shoulder ache I would wake up with from
sleeping on my side. I guess you can't win no
matter what in this battle. I can't see a
difference in the sleep yet but I am hoping
that I will soon. Well that is about it for
now. I will update again soon.
P.S.
I want to thank everyone for the
encouraging emails.
02/14/2004
I finally got around to calling the
insurance on Tuesday the 10th. They said
they had received my letter on the 9th, and
for me to call back later in the week. I called
back on Friday the 13th (not a good
day if you are superstitious). They
said a nurse had been assigned to my file
and that a letter had been sent to Dr. Belnap
for additional information. The insurance
would not tell me what additional
information was needed. I called Dr. Belnap's
office to see if they knew what additional
information was needed. Vickie said she
would call the insurance to find out
because they had not received any letter from
the insurance. I however did receive a letter
that day. The letter simply stated what was
requested and the policy for the insurance.
Which I already knew. It is on their website.
I waited all day for the Dr. office to call me
back. I didnt receive a call, so before I
left work I called them back. They said that
they had left a message with the nurse who
was in charge of my file and had not
received a call back. They were going to call
again. I asked what the nurses name was that
was in charge of my file and all they would give
me was her first name Cindy. They were not sure
if they could give out her direct phone number
so they didn't. I still have not received a call
back from the Dr. office. I will be patient and
call them back on Tuesday.
Anyway just thought an update would be good.
will update again when info is available.
2/22/2004
I thought it was about time I update
again. I called the insurance and the Dr.
office a couple of times this week. I got
the same run around from the insurance until
Friday. When I called on Friday the person
I talked to at the insurance gave me the name
of the nurse who is reviewing my file and
she gave me her direct phone number. I promptly
called and left a message. She is out of the
office until the 24th. The Dr. office was very
helpful. While they were getting the same
run around from my insurance, they were
very positive and encouraging when I talked
to them. They keep telling me not to give up
and that I too must keep calling the insurance
so that they know I am not going away until I get
what I need. Anyway that is about all I have for
an update right now. Oh wait I forgot, my picture
has been loaded up on my profile. The picture
was taken on 1/28/04 I am 350 in this picture.
I cannot wait to post an after picture.
I will update again soon.
8/15/04
I know I suck at updating it has been way
too long. One might think I had given up.
This is not the case. I have been working on
my 6 months weight loss for insurance purposes.
In march I was denied due to I did not have this.
I went to a class called weight concepts which
is led by a nutritionist. It was a 16 week
class that teaches you the difference between what
we think is healthy eating and what actually is
healthy eating. This class also included lessons
on why we don't eat right and things in life that
can affect our eating habits. At first I did not
think I cared all that much about the class, I was
just doing it to get approved for
the surgery. Kind of passifying the
insurance company. However, after a
few weeks I realized some things and
kind of understood why the insurance
company requires the six months.
I still think that some of what
the insurance requires is stupid
and sucks, but I do see their point
of view more clearly.
So anyway, I have completed my six months
and my paper work was sent in to Aetna on
Friday. I am going to start calling them on
Monday for updates. I know you have to stay
on their butts about it or they will drag their
feet all the way.
So this is my update. I hope to have an answer
soon and to be on my way to the losing side.
8/29/04
On Friday 8/27/04 I called Aetna again.
As I had done just about every day since
my paper work had been sent in. Well on
Friday when I spoke with Robin she said that
she would have an answer for me on Monday. So
I was thinking to myself, that I wish I hadn't
called her on Friday. It made for a long
weekend and not the pleasant type of long weekend.
Anyway I know this was a short update I just
needed to vent. I hope that the answer
comes early in the day tomorrow, as I don't
know how effective I will be at work while
waiting for the answer. I will update as
soon as I hear.
9/18/04
I know I said I would update on 8/30/04
but I was so upset that I just couldn't.
Obviously this means that I was denied again.
Only this time it was because they reviewed
my documentation as if I had done the 3 month
pre-surgical multi disciplinary regimen when
I did the 6 months physician supervised diet
and exercise. My surgeon does not provide
the 3 month option and I really like my
surgeon and don't want to change so I did the
six months. So they denied me stating that I
did not show sufficient documentation to
support the 3 month plan. I was sooooo ANGRY
when they told me why they were denying me,
and the only thing I can do about it is
appeal again. It was their fault but I have
to appeal. I couldn't get them to re-review
it because they had already made a decision.
It really doesn't seem right. In the denial it
said I could request all of the documentation
that had been sent to them so I did, and when I
received it my psych eval was missing. So I probably
would have been denied anyway. They never told
me that it was missing before or I would have
submitted it with the rest of the paperwork again.
So I made sure this is the only thing that is
missing or that was stated as missing. I am
getting ready to send in my 2nd level appeal
this coming week. This time though I am outlining
where everything is in the documentation and
how it meets the requirements according the the
CPB 157 and the 6 month plan. I also have to write
a letter when I submit this time explaining that
the previous appeal was reviewed wrong and that I
was following the 6 month program and not the 3
month. I am so frustrated. I so hope that this
time it works out. The insurance told me that
the 2nd level appeal would go through my work
because they are self insured. So I got the contact
for the person who is over the appeal and will
be contacting her after I submit. I am not
going to promise to update when the word comes
in because if I am denied I might just give
up, or hire a lawyer but I don't know where
that money will come from. I am pretty sure
that if I am approved I will be updating
immediately.
9/28/04
I sent my paperwork on Friday overnite to
the Aetna office in CA. I called yesterday
to make sure it was received and was told that
it had been, and that they would be sending it
to the person at my corporate offices for a
decision. So now I start the waiting game. The
paperwork was being sent via UPS 2nd day. She
said that they have 15 days to make a decision.
I hope that they don't take their time making
the decision.
I hope to have news soon.
10/16/04
No news as of yet. All I know is that it
will be at least 30 days. They told me
the Dr. had the paperwork and would make a
recomendation then the decision goes to a
committee that meets every other week and
they make the final decision. They wouldn't
tell me when the committee met last or when
they will meet again, and I have to wait for a
letter. I can't even find out over the phone.
So here I sit twiddling my thumbs and waiting
impatiently.
A friend of mine is going in on Monday for
her surgery. I am so excited for her. We
went to a support group meeting today. It was
my first time but she had been before and it
was great. I hope everything goes well for her.
Keeping my fingers crossed for good news soon.
11/1/2004
I have been checking my mail daily for weeks
waiting for the answer on my second level
appeal. Last thursday I caught a cold and
haven't been outside since. Well today I got
my 3 days worth of mail and low and behold
there it was. My APPROVAL letter. I was so happy
I screamed. Which didn't do much for my voice.
I am so elated. I don't yet know when my date
is but I will definately update when I find out.
11/3/2004
Here it is only 2 days after I find out
I am approved by insurance and I have a
date. The date is 11/19/04. Only 2 short weeks
away and I will be on the losing side. So much
has happend in the last year. So many times I
didn't think I would make it to this point. I
have so much emotion I don't know what to do.
My pre-op appointment is 11/16/04, and I have
to pay the $350.00 co-pay on that date. Then
only 2 days later I will be on my way.
11/7/2004
Yesterday I went shopping, bought some
sf calcium chews, some b complex liquid vitamins,
some sf popsicles, and and a box of beef broth.
I wasn't able to find a chewable or liquid multi
vitamin at wal-mart. However, I am thinking of
buying the chewable bariatric advantage multi,
or maybe some childrens multi vitamins. I haven't
decided. So I think I am set up pretty good for
when I get home from the hospital. I am sooo
excited. The time seems to be dragging. I know
it will be here before I know it.
Thursday I got my paperwork started for my
leave of absence and FMLA. I will finish it
this week. Saturday we went out to eat at the
Melting Pot. I have been wanting to go there
for a long time and knew that I wouldn't be able
to after the surgery. They are very expensive. But
it was fun. I don't think it was worth what
we paid but I am glad we went. And I know that
I won't miss it. I kind of wish that I would
have just gone and had a good pasta meal or some
huge steak, and that would have been cheaper.
Oh well. What's done is done, and the money
is gone.
My mom is going to make me Spaghetti
Pie for my last meal. I can't wait.
My sister wanted to move Thanksgiving
up, but I told her that I had resolved
myself last year that it was my last
traditional Thanksgiving dinner and that
I didn't expect the family to make that
much of a change because I was having
this surgery. So we are still going to
do the traditional Thanksgiving I just will
eat A WHOLE LOT LESS, and I am okay with it.
I was glad that other family members
agreed with me that they didn't want
to change Thanksgiving.
I keep thinking of so many things that
I will no longer have to worry about after surgery.
No more seat belt extension. - Don't need it anymore
No more C-Pap & mask. - haven't had to use it
since surgery
No more testing my sugar level 2-3
times a day. - I think now I need to see if it
is to low sometimes.
No more worrying if I am parking
to close to the car next to me,
and making sure I have enough room
to open the door so that I can get out
of the car without hitting the
car next to mine. - Though I probably need not to
worry about this anymore I still do.
My mind has gone blank I can't think
of anymore, but I will as time goes on,
and will add to the list.
11/15/2004
Okay so you would think I would be
all emotional by now. I'm not! I know
in my last post I said I was excited,
but I don't think I am anymore. It's like
I am numb. I think everyone else is more
excited than I am. I think it is not
really a reality to me yet. I think that
when I am in the hospital waiting to go to
the operating room it will hit me. Tomorrow
is my pre-op appointment. I am trying to
think of questions to ask the DR. so far I
am blank. I am sure I will think of something.
Time to get back to work. I don't know if I
will update again before surgery, but I will
as soon as I get home from the hospital.
11/17/04
I may have to postpone my surgery. I came
home from work today all achy and now I
have a fever. This really sucks. My fever
is 100.7 so not really high but, I don't know
what the doctor will say. I don't know what
to do I am really bummed. Last week 2 of my
co-workers were sick and they are moving us
all around in the office anyway so I asked
to be moved sooner so that I did not get
the colds of my co-workers. Needless to say
I did not get my wish. I just got over a cold.
I went as sick fat girl for halloween. I don't
need to get sick again.
11/26/2004
I guess I panicked over nothing. My fever
went away that night and I didn't get
another one until I was in the hospital.
I am okay though. No infection. Can't
understand the fever. I guess it's just me.
Surgery went well, but they had to do a
liver biopsy because I have a fatty
liver. I don't yet know what the results
of that are. I am doing well. Getting
around good. I need to walk a little more
than I am and I need to get more water in.
It makes me so nauseous, so I am tryin ice
chips and water. Seems to work better but
still not perfect. Thanksgiving was an
interesting day. I was able to eat as I am
now on soft foods. Not much variety
there but I will get through this stage.
I am bored to death staying at home. My
truck broke down before surgery so I have
been without a vehicle since. Today I get
it back and I will be truly in heaven. I
have missed my truck so much.
Will update again soon.
I finally made it to my 1st follow up
appointment after surgery yesterday. The
scales are wrong at this Dr. office. Let
me explain, 2 weeks ago I went to my PCP
and was weighed. At that time I weighed 313.
Which meant that I had lost 22 pounds
since the day of surgery. Yesterday
at the surgeons office I weighed 314
which would mean I had gained a pound.
I don't believe those scales. They are
wrong. So I am going to start going to they
gym next week and I can weigh myself there.
Anyway, I also found out that when this Dr.
does bariatric surgery they give out a
folder with instructions for pre-op and
post-op. Well I never received this until
yesterday. I found that I am doing a few
things wrong. One of which is making myself
eat 3 times a day. Per the instructions I
only need to eat 1-2 meals a day, but I have
to make sure to get at least one. Anyway
that is my complaint for the day.
I have been feeling great. I am back to
playing Hackie Sack. My favorite thing in
the world to do. I have so much fun playing.
I am no expert and neither are the people
I play with, but we all have fun and that
is the point to it. So far this has been the
extent of my exercise. I know this is not a
good thing. I have been okayed to go swimming
and was told to keep my heart rate at 160. So
next week I am going to start my regimen. My
next appointment is on the 15th of March.
Time for bed. Now that I am back to work I
need to keep better hours, and the
overtime is killing me.
1/7/05
I have lost 43 pounds. My family and I
went and bought a scale last week. Since
I share it with them and I live alone and
don't want to be on it everyday we keep
it at my sisters house. I go over once a
week and weigh myself. I was there
yesterday and I weigh 292.2, it has been
nearly six years since I was under 300 pounds.
The weird thing is, and I didn't realize it
until I was asked about it today, is that I
am not really all that excited about the weight
loss. I don't understand it. I can wear
more of the clothes that I own. I can wear
normal shoes again. I can take the stairs
and still breathe, and yet I don't feel any
kind of emotion about it. Am I wierd? I
just don't know.
The food thing is getting easier. I did
eat some fudge on Christams, it was
only a sliver of a piece, but it didn't
make me sick. I guess I am one of the
ones that doesn't get sick, or maybe I
just didn't eat enough to make me sick.
That is fine by me though, in a way.
Either way, if you get sick or don't you
still have to police yourself. I know
people who get sick and still eat the
things that make them sick. I know that
things don't make me sick or haven't yet
so I have to make sure I don't let myself
eat them. I have done a really good job.
At least I think so.
My next challenge for myself is to get
my butt to the treadmill on a regular
basis. I need to set a schedule, and stick
to it. I suck at that. But now is not the
time for excuses. I guess that could be
my New Years resolution. But I don't
think it is. I know I never keep them so
I just need to get up off my ASS
and get it done.
2/17/05
Okay I am a slacker!!! It has been
over a month since I have updated
but here I go.
The last time I weighed it was 269.5
which makes me down 67 pounds since
the day of surgery. I still can't see it
much. I do in pictures and can tell
from the clothes, but seeing it with my
own eyes doesn't happen. I am going to
attach some more pictures here soon but
I am not sure when. This has to be short
today but I will do my best
to update again soon.
03/13/2005
Shopping is becoming an issue. Shoe
shopping more than anything. I can't
remember the last time I was able to go
into Walmart and just buy some shoes.
Wait I don't think I have ever been able
to. Today I bought 3 pair. Fortunately
they aren't real expensive. I am now in
need of new clothes so I have been hitting
all of the clearance sales and while
shirts are pretty easy to come by, I am
having a problem with pants. I am
pretty sure I could find some skirts to
fit but I really don't like wearing them.
I will survive as long as my
co-workers quit pointing out to me that
my pants are too big and that I have
no assatall. Their words not mine.
On the eating front I am still having good
and bad days. I was working 2 jobs and was
really doing good. Then last week I quit
the 2nd one and the eating good went to
hell except that I was still getting my
protien in. I am now back on track, and
intend to stay that way. Tuesday I go for
my 3 month check up. I can't wait to find
out what the doc has to say about
my weight loss.
I think my Iron might be low because I
am bruising easily. I am going to have
to start taking my supplement on schedule.
I don't have a problem with my multi
vitamin but the rest of the stuff I do.
Well I have rambled on enough here so I
will say just one more thing. I am down
81 pounds as of yesterday. I hope to
lose at least 5 pounds this week.
3/26/2005
My 29th Birthday is on Wednesday. I think this
year will be difficult. Only because I am used to
celebrating with food. This year won't be that way
and I am sure I will miss the cake and ice cream. More
the ice cream though. Maybe next year when I am almost
1 & 1/2 years out I will be able to celebrate
more traditionally. But I don't think I will look at
it that way. Then if not I won't be disappointed.
My Dr. visit on the 15th went well. His records only
have the weight I was when I went in on my first visit
to his office which was 349, and not what I was on the
day of surgery (335). So according to his records I
am down 100 pounds. He is really happy with that, but
he did say that I need to get more exercise in than I
have been. Then he was feeling my stomach and
pinching the skin and said save your pennies, this
will need to come off. Which of course I already knew.
He is a funny Dr. but I really do like him. Though I
did have to wait almost 3 hours for him to arrive.
Such is the life with a suregery Diva for a surgeon.
At least that is what I call him.
As of today I am down 90 pounds. I only lost one
pound this week but that is okay because in the last
2 weeks I lost almost 10 pounds. I did start
working out at curves this week with friends and have
decided to join. I have a lot of fun there and I think
to get my butt in gear it will be a great way to start.
Then I can move on to 24 hour fitness where I have a
lifetime membership that I don't use. At least I don't
right now. I will for sure in the future.
My eating habits are good. I still slip about once a
week but for the most part I am doing okay. I had fish
twice this week and it was really good. I have been
taking my iron supplements and my B-12 faithfully, and
have even started back on my synthroid, which I haven't
taken regularly since surgery. My PCP is going to yell
at me for that one. I need to get some calcium now that
I can either chew or that is in small pills so I can
swallow them. I don't do will with big pills any more.
04/03/2005
Just a quick update...
Working out has done wonders for me this
week. I lost 7 pounds. I am only 3 pounds
away from the century club.
Yesterday I was updating my ticker and realized
that about 3 weeks ago I was only down 80
pounds and now I have less than 80 pounds to
lose. It has only been 4 & 1/2 months since
surgery and I am over half way there. Now that
I am exercising it will go so much quicker.
04/10/2005
I am now officially a member of the
century club!!!!
4/15/2005
I weigh again tomorrow but I don't think
that I did very well this week. Sometimes
I wonder if I will be able to maintain my
weightloss once I have reached my goal.
I know I have to take it one day at a time.
Really one meal at a time. I had chocolate
multiple times this week. I know I shouldn't
but it never makes me sick. I need just to stay
away from my sister's house for a while. At
least until the chocolate is gone. I know she
is going back on weight watchers soon which will
mean no more chocolate in her house. I can
pretty well stay away from it at work. It is
when I go to her house that I have the most
trouble. I think chocolate is the thing that I
cannot walk away from most lately. Yesterday was
my bosses Birthday and we celebrated with a cake.
I didn't have any and it didn't bother me. There
was still cake left today and I didn't even think
about having any. But I walked into my sisters
house and saw the hershey nuggets on the counter
and went strait for them. I had 2 and didn't
feel sick or anything. It was good that I didn't
stay long though. Who know's how many I would have
eaten. I did come home and had fish. So I did
something right. One of these days I will get
the hang of this. I just hope it happens soon.
I am tired of kicking myself in the ass for eating
something I know I shouldn't be eating. Okay I
guess that is enough ranting for tonight. Maybe
I will feel better tomorrow.
4/30/2005
I am not doing good at all. I keep eating
and eating and eating. Not all at once in fact
I only ate too much at one sitting once this week
but grazing has become a problem for me.
I feel like I need a snack all the time and I know
it is just in my head. But I don't have the will
to fight it. I am losing my mind. It's not just food
I am having issues with. I can't concentrate at work,
I feel like I am losing my grip on reality. I want to
go to school but it seems hopeless. I did apply at
the community college but I didn't do so well on the
placement testing and that has got me discouraged.
Not only that but I want to go into the nursing
program but you have to get your pre requisits before
you can apply and then you have to be put on a waiting
list when you do apply and the list is about 2 years
long. I don't know if I can wait thta long. But I know
if I don't go and do the pre requisits it will
be that much longer before I get into the nursing
program. I am afraid and nothing is worse than fear.
I am afraid that I can't handle it that I won't
follow through with it. Like so many other things I
have tried to do with my life. Sometimes it is
so hard to think positive, and be positive.
I don't know how I will ever get through this. I feel
so depressed lately. I know part of it is the
monthly hormones that all women go through but it seems
to be more intense. I keep telling myself I can get
through this and that everything will be fine.
To take everything one day at a time. But I don't
know if I truly believe it. I know I need to get out of
my apartment once in a while. Hanging around here all
of the time isn't doing me any good. I just sit and
stare at the TV, and make myself feel worse for doing it.
6/22/05
Wow, it has been almost 2 months since I
last updated. Life is anything but grand right
now. Money is tight, job sucks, having to move
in with family really sucks. However, I do have
my health back thanks to this wonderful
surgery, and I wouldn't trade it for the
world. I am now down 126 from the date of
surgery and 150 from my highest weight of 359.
I can't complain in the weight loss department.
I think I am almost done losing though. I
will probably only lose about 30 more pounds then
it will be time for plastic surgery. I don't know
where I will come up with the money, but I hope that
I will be able to some day soon. I have submitted
a new picture for my profile, I hope it is up soon.
the picture was taken almost a month ago.
8/13/05
WOW!! I really am sucking at updating this place.
Oh well it's summer and there is always more to
do in the summer right?
I am now down 142 and still losing but it has slowed
down some. I am now in a size 16 pant and an XL
shirt. It is exciting, but I am having a hard time
buying clothes. I am tired of shrinking out of brand
new clothes. I must say that part of the surgery
results is awesome and sucks at the same time.
The munch monster has set up permanent residence
in my head. I need a munch monster excorsist,
or a sheriff to come in and evict the little bugger.
I did get to go on a small vacation this summer,
we went to Mt. Rushmore. It was awesome being
able to do things I never thought I would be
able to do. I did not get pooped out once,
no back or foot pain. No whinning I want to go
home I am miserable, and I miss the TV. I don't
think I have ever had a vacation where I have
been so un-miserable. Is that a word? It is now.
I have registered for my first class as a college
student, and will be taking the GED test on Monday.
I hope I pass, everyone thinks I will but I am not
so sure. It takes 2-3 weeks to get the results. I think.
I have waited this long to take the test I can
wait 2-3 weeks for the results.
Anyway this has been my Summer which is now
coming to an end. I still have one more little vacation
to go on and I am excited about that. It's my annual
camping trip with the girls. Four years running now
and I hope many more to come.
10/29/2005
Okay so I finally got in to see my surgeon for
what should have been my 6 month checkup but
ended up being my almost 1 year checkup. He was
very exstatic about my progress. As am I. They didn't
recognise me when they saw me which in this case is a
good thing. They havent seen me since March so it
was a good thing. The doc said it is time to see if
we can get the insurance to pay for the removal of
the skin. So now I start trying for that. I can't wait
to have it removed though. It is hideous and my clothes
don't fit right because of it. I was so excited that I
actually made it to the appointment. You see Dr. B is
a transplant surgeon as well so his schedule is always
tentative. I'm okay with it though cause he is one
of the good guys. And he can be so funny sometimes.
I did finally get back to school. It was a lot easier
than I thought it would be. Not the actual work but
getting over my fears about school. The school work is
really difficult for me but I am pluggin along and I refuse
to give up.
Rascal Flatts
I'm movin on
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
1/15/2006
I would not trade all the changes I have gone
through for anything in the world. I do have to
say though that while this surgery does change
your life in many positive ways, it is not a fix all.
I thought that after surgery I would be so much
more confident than I was. While I have gained
some confidence it is not where I thought I would
be. This is just one of the many things I thought
would change about me. I guess it was not
just my weight inhibiting me, but maybe it is just
my personality. Just who I am and I don't know how
to change this about me. It is definately not something
I like about myself.
Enough wining for tonight. Maybe I will have a more
post next time.
3/29/06
Tomorrow I turn 30!!!
Yay for me.... I am so greatful that I had this
surgery and will live past 30. Who knows how much
longer I would have lasted at 350 + pounds. Who knows
how much longer I would have continued to gain weight
and commit the slow and painful suicide. This surgery is
truly a blessing. However, you must work at it every day.
Food is like any other addiction, with one exception...
You need it to live. However, like most other
addictions this will kill you if you do no control it, if you
let it control you it will slowly consume your life and
eventually end it.
3/10/06
If I can say one thing to someone researching
this surgery it would be to make sure you understand
this only fixes the physical addiction to food,and it only
fixes that for a little while unless you learn to
control the emotional aspect of bad eating habits.
People have asked me if it was difficult to have
this surgery, and in the beginning I always said "no",
because then it wasn't. Now I know what my body
will let me do, and what I can get away with. My
answer to this question has changed. Now when
people ask if it was difficult I say, "not at first".
When you initially have the surgery you are so
scared that you will develop a leak if you eat too
much or that you will stop losing. So in the beginning
at least for me it was easy. Now, not so much. I
strugle every day. I think I have started gaining
weight and I am NOT okay with that. I am looking
forward to having plastic surgery in June of this year
and I did not come all this way just to throw it away
because I can't control the emotional eating.
I have to find a way.
There is an emotional high when you are
losing that I think goes away when you stop
and I think that is where I started my really bad
eating habits again. So to anyone reading this and
thinking of having this wonderful surgery, be
sure that you know these things ahead of time
and plan for when they happen. Know that only
you have control of this demon. I am taking back
the control right now. I will not grow physically again,
only mentally and emotionally. This surgery saved
my life and I would do it again in a heartbeat, but I
don't want to need it again in my lifetime so I am
going to get control NOW.
