spiritofjulia
Here are some of my personal journals about my pre-op life:
Does Size Really Matter?
In a world where so often "bigger is better" I feel like an anomaly. For as long as I can remember, I've been used to being the fat girl. Being the largest person in the room is no surprise to me. I'm used to people watching me eat - I'm even more used to the inner voice that tells me: "they are watching to see how much you eat". Although I am aware that this sounds like paranoia, I don't think it is. The truth is that I do eat more than other people - a lot more! I am currently just heavier than 300 lbs and I've eaten everything that made me this way.
There are a few things that I know to be true about society. One is that fat is not attractive. Obesity is an epidemic in North America and yet we really are not attracted to fat people. Even myself, a member of the 'super morbidly obese' population (as my BMI chart tells me that I am) am no exception. I look at a fat person and I am turned off. Turned off by their oversized stomach, large thighs and butt or sagging arms. Although I am disgusted with myself for saying so, it is the dirty truth. I used to use this opinion as an excuse. I used to see myself as skinny compared to others who are fat. About a year or so ago I had an epiphany - 'I am walking around in a fat person's body believing that I am really a skinny person'. I saw myself as relatively skinny compared to other people. I was in major denial.
So - why is smaller better when it comes to body size? There is, of course, the media factor. People in the public eye are 99% skinny people. As influenced as society is by the media, I don't think that this is the only factor. I think that most people are attracted to healthy people. People whose weight is mostly proportionate to their height. When you look at a fat person you can see his/her struggles on display. You can see the trouble getting around, the shortness of breath, the beads of sweat on the forehead. I would argue that deep down, you can look closer and see the sadness. Everyone has problems - even skinny people. The difference is that you can look at a fat person and say to yourself: "man - she's got problems". A fat person is an addict. Unlike a drug addict, the drug is food and food is necessary for survival. Its also killing so many people - a long and slow death of mind, body and soul.
In terms of size, the bigger the person, the closer he/she is to death. I am not a doctor and I am sure that this is not statistically true, but I do believe that the bigger a person gets, the more health risks e/she accumulates from being fat. It wasn't until about a year ago that I really saw this truth.
Just over a year ago, one of my doctors told me that I was "pre-diabetic". This was a real eye opener. My mother had always warned me that if I don't lose weight I would become diabetic. This information crushed me. Certainly at 22 years old, I could not be on my way to having diabetes! Diabetes was for OLDER fat people. I was a young fat person! This could not be happening to ME!
I think that this experience opened up my eyes to a series of events that led to my increasing acceptance of the fact that I am dangerously fat. Now I can honestly say that at 24 years old, I am closer to death than many 65 year olds!
Size matters. I truly believe that at 5"2, a 300lb Julia is not attractive or healthy. I am not meant to be this size. I feel constantly sick and I am emotionally miserable. Every minute of every day I can't forget that my size matters. I am certain that if I do not have this surgery, I will continue to gain weight and I will surely die.
How it Feels to be Fat - The Physical Side:
I want to preface this by saying that I am a relatively 'healthy' fat person. I really haven't suffered most of the co-morbidities that obese people face (co-morbidities are other conditions that exist primarily as a result of obesity). I know that the longer I am fat, the more and more of these conditions that I will suffer.
I am in the worst physical shape of my life. Though I've tried to find other reasons why I experience pain and suffering in my body, if I am truly honest with myself, I can honestly say that most of them are a result of the excess weight.
My back is incredibly sore all of the time. I think that this is because I carry a lot of the weight around my stomach. I also am sedentary and my posture is terrible because my weight pulls my spine out of alignment. At first my neck would get sore, then my shoulders. Now the pain is constant. It radiates from the middle of my back outwards. I have pain daily in my upper back, shoulders, upper arms, neck and hips. The pain does not go away now. It used to come and go. Now, its constant. Even right now as I adjust my back, it cracks and shifts but remains in a dull ache. I stopped taking painkillers a long time ago.
Recently, I've been increasingly concerned about my circulation. Every day for the past month or so I wake up with numbness up my arm and aches in my wrist and hand. By sleeping on either side, I am literally crushing myself in my sleep.
I snore uncontrollably and usually wake up with a sore throat as a result. I am sure that I have un-diagnosed obstructive sleep apnea. I usually wake up as tired as when I fell asleep and feeling like I could go back to sleep all day. As I write this, my eyes feel heavy and I am sure that if I lay down I could fall asleep for several hours.
When I don't eat for 3-4 hours I get hypoglycemic and feel ravished. This is usually when I binge from hunger. I Get sweaty and short of breath and in my mind I become an animal on a desperate hunt for food.
I am in a constant state of irregularity. I Have diarrhea at least 3 times per week. There doesn't seem to be a pattern, its likely just my digestive system telling me to stop eating so much.
I also have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I am told that PCOS has probably contributed to my obesity and that it will never be 'cured' but the symptoms will be dramatically reduced after weight loss. Symptoms include very irregular periods (before my Dr. started me on birth control, I would have one long period - 3 weeks or more every several months), hair growth on my face and sever acne. I was on Accutane in high school which did help although I usually still have breakouts along my chin and jaw line. The scariest thing about PCOS for me is the likelihood of infertility or trouble conceiving - especially with the excess weight.
Another physical side effect for me is frequent yeast infections because the fat around my stomach and thighs does not allow for much 'breathing room' down there. It is also difficult to wash down there in a shower that does not have a detachable head.
My knees are becoming weaker every day and my petite skeletal frame just wasn't meant to hold 300 lbs.
How it Feels to be Fat - the Emotional Side:
I am taking a few deep breaths before I start writing about the emotional impact that being obese has had on me. I have to write about the emotions so that I can come back to reflect on them as I lose weight. I think what's so hard about writing this section is that I don't realize the vastness of the impact of fat on my emotions - and subsequently my spirit. I've developed many 'tapes' in my head that may or may not be true. Either way, they are (or have been) true for me:
"Everyone is looking at me and they can see my fat" - This expression touches on my denial. A big way that I've dealt with my being fat is to force my mind to deny that I am fat. The truth is, that people do look at me and they can see all 300 lbs of me. Although I wasn't always this heavy, I was always heavy. Even as a ten year old, I can remember walking down a sidewalk and having a little boy say: 'you're fat'. This has had a deep wounding effect on my psyche. I think that being fat was something that was pointed out a lot and teased. Instead of being told 'you're worth it!', I heard 'you are fat!' From an early age, I've been labeled as my size. The other day, one of the students at the learning centre where I work asked: "Do you have a baby in your tummy?" She did not believe me when I told her no. Even when the person making the comment is an innocent child, I am constantly reminded of the truth that when people look at me, they see my fat first.
"People who look at me see me as weak, lazy and lacking willpower" - When people look at me I am certain that one of the first things that goes through their minds is: 'how could she let herself get like that?' Although I am a remarkable person with many wonderful qualities, the thing that stands out is my weakest areas. Everyone has weaknesses, but when you are fat these things can not be hidden. What's worse is that when I look in the mirror or feel the pain in my body, I am reminded of my failures to lose weight time and time again. If this doesn't drive a person to eat to numb the pain, I don't know what does! Talk about a vicious cycle!
"There must be something really wrong with me" - There is not a day that goes by when I don't think about my size and wonder 'what caused me to eat my way to this size?' Though I had a relatively normal upbringing without any major trauma that I can remember, and wonderful parents, I look at my size and the fact that I have eaten myself to 300lbs and I realize that there could be something really wrong with me. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with a moderate case of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) with Dysthymia (mild depression). My doctors put me on a combination of anti-depressants and stimulants. Though I was initially more mentally stable, the effects of the drugs were not enough to stop my chronic over-eating. Whether or not I met the clinical diagnosis for these conditions, I know that deep down I still have an addiction to food. I also live with this sense of impending doom that if something is not done, I will eat myself to my grave. This makes me thing that there is something seriously wrong with me.
"Enough is never enough" - This pattern started with food for me. I remember being 8 years old and hiding food. I remember being at family functions and returning again and again to the buffet. NO matter how much I eat, I always want more. I will eat until I am so stuffed that I either fall asleep or feel in so much pain from stuffing myself. The truth is that I am trying to use food to fill a void inside of me. In my head, I do know that whatever this hole is, it can not be filled with food. In fact, I think that the more I eat, the further away I become from having that hole filled. I believe that this is a spiritual problem.
"I have no will power" - Because I have not been able to curb my chronic overeating, I have started to believe that I have no will power in any area of my life. When I become rational I realize that this is false. In fact, I don't actually believe that my overeating has much to do with will power. If it were that simple, we would not have an epidemic of obesity in North America. Emotionally though, I have often believe that I completely lack will power and resolve to stop eating and start exercising. This is a damaging belief that can infiltrate other areas of one's life - work, school, relationships - you name it!
"I am undesirable" - Ouch! This one hits me right where it hurts. Not only because of its harshness, but because even emotionally, I believe it to be true. Physically, I am not attractive at 300lbs. Sure, I have a pretty face, but my body is unhealthy. I have been fortunate to have the opportunity to get to know a multitude of people in my life. Many people do value what's on the inside. Despite this, I can honestly say that at 300lbs it is difficult to make good friends and to get to know people. This is especially true of males but also true of females. I believe that my appearance poses a barrier. Other people do not always want to get to know the fat girl. Taking this a step further, being overweight has been a major obstacle to my romantic life. Although I have had a handful of relationships, I can honestly say that they have been with men who I've settled for. This is discouraging as I have longed for men in my life to see me as beautiful...to desire me - mind, soul AND body.
"I am unhealthy" - At 300lbs on a 5"2 frame, this statement is true. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I live with this knowledge. I don't want to be unhealthy but I am. I think that one reason that diets have failed is that the idea of losing this weight and overcoming the physical side effects is so huge. Its emotionally exhausting knowing and being constantly reminded of how unhealthy I am. Even with the surgery coming up, my skeptical mind doesn't actually believe that I can overcome my weight and its effects.
"Food has a seductive power over me" - For as long as I can remember, food has been at the forefront of my mind. When I think about having a meal with a friend, I think about the menu instead of thinking about what a great time we will have or what wonderful conversation will arise, I think about what I'll eat. My mouth waters and once I get there I often have a difficult time deciding what to have because everything looks so good. Similarly, when I know that there is a food I love at home in the cupboard, it takes over my thoughts. I fell in love with food a long time ago. It never disappoints me, it always tastes good. Because of food, I've never really had to deal with strong emotions because eating numbs my mind and calms my body. I can literally 'stuff' my feelings back inside of me. I've escaped from feeling things deeply because of my intense relationship with food. This is a 'coping mechanism' that has worked in each moment. It has also facilitated my weight gain. This is likely going to be the most difficult thing for me to deal with emotionally after my surgery. What will replace food?
"There are things that I'd like to do but I don't because I am fat" - I am an outgoing person by nature. I have this fantasy that as a skinny person, I will be very active and participate in a variety of physical activities - dancing, skating, skiing, martial arts, aerobics, etc. I will participate in these things not to lose weight but because physical activity feels good and is fun! Right now physical activities do not feel good and are not fun at 300lbs. I also struggle with the knowledge that these other people are judging me and watching me and thinking about how unhealthy my body is.
How it Feels to be Fat: The Spirtual Side:
As I mentioned before, I really believe a part of my obesity has to do with constantly trying to fill a spiritual void inside myself. I've always been a spiritual girl. I gave my life to Jesus Christ when I was only 8 or 9 years old. I have always felt a connection to God even when I wouldn't go to church. Having said this, I still have not discovered how to fill that God-shaped hole inside of me.
I imagine that the answers are all very simple and have been in front of my nose for my entire life. I imagine that when I am spiritually whole, I will feel good about every aspect of my being. I will feel that I am worthy, just because I am. I just don't know how to get there.
I struggle to write this section because it is really the core issue that I face. The symptom of my spiritual deficiency or spiritual wounding is my excess weight. I believe that spiritual emptiness is also an epidemic in society that manifests itself in many ways. Guilt, shame, feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness are all outcomes of damage to my spirit. This is an area that will not be instantly healed just by losing weight. It is an area where ongoing soul-searching is needed. In some ways, I do believe that it is a life-long process.
Its also spiritual strongholds that keep me in self-destructive cycles. A very wise man once told me that we all wal around wearing spiritual "flashing signs" over our heads. These signs are invisible to us, but everyone around us picks up on them. These signs are what keep us locked in the same destructive patterns, keep us attracting the same kinds of people and situations into our lives, etc.
I don't yet know how to turn off this flashing sign - or even how to change what it says. I am sure that this process of finding spiritual fullness is an ongoing one that is never complete. God is constantly speaking to us in His still, small voice. Often the noise of the worlds and the noise in our heads drown out His voice.
I believe that God has been trying to say something to me for years. He spoke softly at first but over the years, I have not listened. Now I wake up, I look in the mirror and I see a 300 pound woman staring back at me who is sick, sad and spiritually disconnected. Still, I have faith that God's wisdom lives inside of me and that this is all part of my journey.
I'm not saying that God means for me to be obese. I take full responsibility for this. I am saying that obesity is a part of my journey. Its a symptom of a wound that has festered and grown over the years of my life. I don't know what this wound is right now. I believe that if I knew what it was, I would be able to find healing and would become free from the bondage of food. It is my quest to seek answers and insight into the nature and origin of this whole in my spirit so that I can stop stuffing it with food and start to re-build what has been damaged. I can only do this with God's love and strength.
