tearnmyhand

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I have this obssession with the scale as of late. It's driving me crazy, so I'm trying to think out why it's so important. Here it goes:

I have been overweight all my teenage and adult life. I used to dream of getting thinner so that I could feel better in a bathing suit as a 13 year old. It's heartbreaking to think that at an age where most girls were worrying about friends and school, I was worried about body image. I guess it's reasonable to say that the little 13 year old inside of me still wants to be validated for all those wierd stares and awkward glances gotten as an overweight teen. My mind is ready to tell the world who the new Teresa is. However, being 1 1/2 weeks post-op is not a reasonable time frame for me to do it. Obsessing about how much weight I've lost does not make it come off faster. It doesn't make me feel better. What it does do is make me feel helpless when the number I want (which is to be lower than the time before, even if I just weighed 15 minutes ago) is not there. I am not failing in this weight loss journey, but what I am doing is having unrealistic expectations for myself. I didn't become overweight overnight. I will have to also be patient as my body heals from surgery and adjusts to not having the same caloric intake as before. I'm sure if I could look inside my body physiology right now, I could see my cells asking, "Where's the food?" I'm sure they're wondering what happened this last 1 1/2 weeks. They had a pretty sweet deal up until now, being the gluttons they were. But it's different now. I don't eat what I used to. I have water, milk, or crystal light to drink. I also am having yogurt and soup. That's it. No true fat, no excess sugar. No candy, no sweets. I'm sure those cells are trying to hold out because they're in survival mode from starvation. While my mind is ok and I don't feel hungry, my cells are not feeling the same way. So.... my body is catching up to what my mind already knows - I'm not going back to overeating. My weight loss to date is still 12 lbs. It would have taken me a MONTH to get that off before, and with hard work. I pretty much blinked this time and it was gone. FOREVER. What a blessing. I can be relieved that I will never see 240 or 230 again. So why the obsession?

They say in medical school that it's a marathon, not a sprint. To overwork yourself in the beginning is to your disadvantage because there's ALOT more to go. Losing weight is the same way. If I am to be successful, every little victory is a victory, not just a shrug of the shoulder. I am exercising 30 minutes a day, TWICE a day! I didn't really even do that pre-op. That's a miracle! I am re-writing my own future. I am chosing a healthy me instead of a gradual death. So, I guess the next step is to toss out the scale. No number will define my life. I am confident that I am doing the right things and making the right choices. This surgery is already a success and in 1 month, I will not be where I am now. It has always been and always will be, calories in, calories out. I KNOW what I'm puting in doesn't equal what's coming out. All I have to do is realize that if I give myself time, the cells in my body will say, "Well, the gig is up. Guess we're going on a diet. Might as well get the little we have here to work with." It will happen. It's not an IF but a WHEN. And I am here. Waiting.

My surgery was awesome. I had everything - supportive family and friends, a boyfriend who didn't leave my side, many medical professionals who went the extra mile, and most importantly, God. The recovery wasn't easy because I got nausea and vomitted a few times in recovery, but I truly don't remember much, so my memory of it isn't so bad. Then next 2 days were interesting. Still nauseus, I went for a swallowing study to make sure there were no leaks in the sleeve. The Gastrograffin was DISGUSTING, so it reappeared shortly after I drank a few sips down. It was repeated the next day, and while I got to finish the study this time, I still vomitted, indicating that I had what'scalled an ileus. That's just a fancy word for the bowels being quiet and not making the rhythmic movements to allow food to flow through the GI tract. I got to eat after the study, which let me actually have food in order to move my bowels, and things began flowing. I thought it was a little wierd that they would wait to feed me if they know the natural reaction of the body is food in, food out. But, such is the way of medicine. So finally went home on post-op Day 3 and weighed myself just before departure - VICTORY!!!! TEN POUNDS GONE FOREVER!!! Nothing felt so sweet than to have an immediate response to the question of if I was going to lose weight. For anyone who watches the biggest loser, Jillian Michaels said that they're not reinventing the wheel - it's just calories in, calories out. Well, I hadn't had any calories in 5 days, so I guess it should have been that way.

I'm now on post-op Day 7 and 12 lbs down. It is still very neat to be losing weight, but I do like to weigh myself alot, so I had a reality check from my sister, who is post-op gastric bypass, who said I had no business weighing myself incessantly. It's about MY health, not about numbers. Ok, sister, geez. I get it. I made a boo-boo and didn't start eating the full liquid diet that my nutritionist prescribed due to a misunderstanding with my bariatric coordinator. I didn't start really eating until Tuesday, but now I'm in the land of yogurt, cream of wheat, and bean/cream soups, so I'm feeling some energy, thankfully. It was rough there for a while.

I go in this afternoon for a post-op appointment. I have alot of questions. Apparently, I had an enlarged spleen, which made it more difficult to dissect the fundus of the stomach away from it. I wonder why I have that. Also, I got my gall bladder out at the same time because it had stones. It was actually much more necessary than I thought, because my GB was HUGE with 6 big stones:) It was a diffult surgery on that part, which I'm sure contributed to the nausea. I also wonder when I can start doing full exercising and if I can start taking probiotics. I want to know how many staple lines they used for my stomach and how big it was. I'm super excited about the future. I feel at this point, it's not a matter of if the weight will come off but when. I really feel like I have a new lease on life and my mind is not allowed to feel defeat after being blessed with this wonderful tool.

I walk 2 times a day for 30 minutes. I try to break out a sweat and really get myself moving. I'm also using arm weights (just 5 lbs each) because I really want my arms to tone up as soon as humanly possible. I'm ready for a walk with my little weiner dog now, so until next time, adios!!

I have to admit that I am having so many feelings right now. I just got done with 2 tests yesterday (Surgery rotational exam and Geriatrics Course Exam), so I was extremely concentrated on that. Last night, I went to dinner with Ana, one of my best friends, and we had some thai food. I still feel like I overeat. I don't know what it is that triggers that "gotta have more" feeling. Plus, I needed a sweet last night... kind of disappointing from someone who should be on par with their pre-op diet. Although I have lost about 10 lbs, I could be losing more if I was eating cleaner. So, I went home to relax and watch the Biggest Loser. I had 2 saved on DVR. I cried throughout most of them. This season's contestants have so many emotions they're dealing with. I feel just like them. I have to get over being the 'fat girl' and the failure in weight loss. I have to get over being abused as a kid. No real excuses. The only person I let down is me if I chose to pick up that sweet or eat that next bite after I'm full. 

I know the sleeve will help me to get to the goal I'm trying so desperately to attain. I feel unworthy of this help at times, because I'm so used to failing all my diets. However, with God's grace, I have managed to do what I thought could not be done - actually have enough financing to get surgery. I have been SO blessed.  I want to be thin and love my body, I want to look pretty when my boyfriend (finally!) proposes to me, I want to impress my family and classmates,  and I want for Dr. Lopez-Viego to be proud that he has a great patient. However, some questions keep reeling through my head:

1) Will I actually lose the weight?

2) Can I keep it off?

3) Will I be satisfied with when my body choses to stop further weight loss?

4) Will I resist sweets and unhealth food choices or will I think I can do it on my own again?

5) What will I look like throughout this process?

6) Will I have complications or will the surgery pass smoothly?

7) Will my emotional reasons for eating surface when the food is no longer a source of comfort?

8) How will my body image be after the weight is gone? Will I still mentally be overweight?

I am so excited about losing weight FOREVER. I'm excited to have a chance at an even playing field. I am certain that I will never, ever love food after surgery when I see and feel the way my body responds to this transformation. My plan is to weigh myself today and take pictures so that I can continue my motivation for weight loss.  While I know the surgery will be a little rocky afterwards, I am confident that my body will bounce back and I am mentally ready for the challenge ahead. My family and friends are praying hard for me and I know that I am a success when God is in the picture.