Tracy13
Nerves
May 31, 2013
I am exactly 23 days away from surgery. I still don't believe this is actually going to happen for me. I have the date in my head and I have my protein shakes and vitamins ready but it is still not real to me.
I am glad that I started therapy when this journey began. I go to weekly sessions and our focus lately has been my surgery. I have experienced a lot of the last mean syndrome where I think I am never going to eat food I like again so I am eating all of it now. This is not healthy for my mind or body to think this way (and it is not good on my wallet!) I know that this is not a quick fix and in order to be successful in the long term with surgery I need to change my relationship with food.
This past week in therapy my therapist gave me some tips to start steering away of that last meal thinking and into more healthy ways of thinking. She said that when I do go out to get fast food or whatever it is I want to binge on that let myself have it but start to cut back on what I am eating. For example when I go to McDonalds not only do I get a value meal but I also add on some of their $1 items. When I have a craving I should only feed what will subside the craving. For me it is usually their burgers so instead of getting a value meal and extras maybe just get a kids meal or just the burger. I am still getting what I think I have to have but in moderation. She aslo suggested for my late night snacking getting the personal size bag of chips instead of the family size I am use to buying. Limit to 1 bag and add some healthy snacks in there also.
For me my eating is mainly in the mental realm. I feel I need to eat the unhealthy things in order to enjoy eating. I am not a grazer which I am thankful for but the choices I make and the portion sizes are out of control.
I lost 40 pounds in the year prior to surgery for the insurance. Since my surgery has been scheduled I have gained 10 of that back. It makes me feel like I am already a failure.
When I read the forums on here sometimes I think people make it sound so easy the lifestyle changes they have made and how they eat only healthy things now and do not even think about the other food. I just don't understand these people. If they were able to make the changes so easily then why did they need WLS in the first place. I remind myself that every story is different and just like me their past has their own struggles.
the most weight I have lost at one time is about 40-50pounds. I would do so good with diets and exercise to that point but then I would become frustrated that I could not see a difference and my clothes still fit the same way and I never lost sizes. I would then get frustrated and start cheating more and more until I was off the diet completely and gaining weight back.
I don't want this to be a diet, I know it is a lifestyle change and that with this tool I will be able to lose that and more and see the difference in my body, well at least I hope I will. I have a fear that I will be the one that this surgery does not work for. I will not lose any weight and I will be stuck. I know that it is a irrational fear so every time those thoughts creep up I have to give myself a pep talk. Sometimes I have to do that 20+ times a day.
I start my pre-op 14 day liquid diet in one week. I know this is going to be very hard because my body has not gone through anything yet that would make me not want to eat. I plan to clean out my kitchen and pantry of any temptation. For this part I am lucky I am single that I don't have to prepare anyone else's dinner or keep unwanted food in the house. I hope the time will pass quickly and I will be able to be successful of reminding myself the long term benefits and not breaking down and eating something not on plan.
