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Here I am, a few days over 3 months of my OH membership, contemplating surgery.  Over three months ago, I was sure that I would be going through gastric bypass.  I've been teeter tottering over my decision.  I'm currently going through Ai'Pono which is a pre-requisite to surgery.  Ai'Pono is a 3 phase program designed to address the psychological change before enduring the physical change of gastric bypass.  I've been attending Ai'Pono since the beginning of October.  This program is such a blessing!  Although I may not end up having surgery, the tools I've learned through this program have been very beneficial to me.  Should I decide to have the surgery, I don't know if I would be successful without the program.  The tools that I've learned has enabled me to reach a 30 pound weight loss to date.  For me, I don't think I'm strong enough to have such a strict regimen of following a gastric bypass diet.  I'm still in love with food.  I think I'll always be.  I commend each person who has made the decision to have surgery and have been successful with the tool.  This is a life long commitment.  For now, I'm satisfied with my weight loss.  Although not as fast as I would like it to be, I'm willing to take it day by day.  Thanks to all for being my inspiration!  And congratulations on a job well done!

So, I've decided that I really have to lose weight now.  I'm not going to wait for the procedure.  I really have to put some effort into this.  After I have my tool, it's not going to be smooth sailing; It's going to be hard work. 

I've been using fitday.com.  Of course I didn't journal my food intake when I went to visit my family.  I was on vacation, so I thought I'd take a vacation from "eating right".  - I know this is not possible after surgery.  I lost control of my eating for about 3 days and I'm thankful that I didn't gain any weight - although judging from the way I ate, I should have gained a ton.  I did however, workout 2 out of the 5 days I was there. 

To date, I have lost 16lbs.  I'm trying.  It feels good.  I went to Old Navy the other day to buy a gift.  I also bought 2 tops off the clearance rack.  They were both less than 4 bucks each.  I thought I could use them as I lose enough weight.  To my surprise, they actually fit me.  Although snug, they fit!  I wore one of them to a party last night (where I pigged out - For those of you from Hawaii - how can u resist Kalua pig?) 

Anyway, I'm hoping that this losing streak continues.  My, how it feels good to be a loser!

Thanks for reading.

Venus

Yesterday, I took my test, my psycho test.  So, I met with the person who was administering my test.  She was nice, pleasant, but irritating in a way.  Maybe she wasn't, but I just wanted to get it over with.  She gave me a few stacks of paper that I should has already gotten and filled out.  Luckily, she said I could take them home and work on it later.  I had 2 tests to take.  The first on was excruciatingly long!  I think it was almost 600 T/F questions.  I tried very hard not too let it get to me, but after #200, I was starting to feel like this was never going to end.  And this was only the first test mind you.  Finally, after feeling like I just ran a mental marathon, I was done.  NEXT....there was the 2nd test.  It was a bit S.A.T. reminiscent because I had to record my answers on an answer sheet.  I'm not studying to get a Masters, but what is all this paperwork!  I realize it's just protocol, but couldn't they have spread this out in the 16 weeks of required counseling/group therapy?  Which brings me to....GROUP THERAPY?  OMG!!!!  This will be 3 days a week, 3 hours a day, from 6pm-9pm.  WTF???  Okay, so I commute 30 min to work at 5:15am in the morning.  I start work at 6:00, I'm done at 2:30.  There isn't much sense for me to go home (I drive a freakin' gas guzzler -which I hope to trade in soon), so I will have to stay in town and keep myself busy from 2:30-5:59pm attend 3 hours of group therapy and be on my way at 9:01pm.  I would probably get home close to 10:00 pm.  Try to go to be as soon as I can and start my day the next morning at 4:00am.  Does that sound like fun?  And I have to do this 3 days a week?  For 16 weeks no less!  Can I survive this?  Something is telling me to find another doctor.    But on a high note, I've lost 11 lbs!  I'm ecstatic!  I've been walking 30min every nite with my boyfriend and our dog and I've been eating 6 times a day!  It's actually working!!  Anyway, thanks for reading!  Toodles for now!

Venus

I have become a slave to my computer and OH.  Is this normal?  I'm addicted.  Seeing before and afters, reading post after post.  Fantasizing whether or not I will drop as fast as some or as slow as others. 

I have a room that still needs to be touched up (paint).  I have laundry that needs to be folded.  I have a cat that needs to be groomed.  I have a kitchen floor that needs to be mopped.  I have a front yard that needs to be weeded.  The list goes on, yet I'm still on OH.  I guess it may be a healthier addiction than food, but I'm still battling that. 

Thanks for reading..

So, I went to see the dietician today.  I didn't really learn anything new, but I was enlightened on that fact that I really did want this surgery.  I mean I REALLY want it.  I would have checked myself in that minute to get the procedure done that day.  I know it doesn't happen that way.  I have to train my brain first.  I have to tell my brain, this is it, there's no turning back.  I have to come to terms with my commitment issue.  My commitment issue with food. 

About a year or so ago,  I was in the same office (different dietician) going over the same things, but I was a little weary at the fact that this surgery would end my love affair with my first love:  FOOD.  I was shown what kind of diet I would have post op, and I freaked.  2 oz?  WTF?  2oz!!!???!! 

Holy crap!  Can I live like this?  Gone was the idea that this was going to change my life.  Gone was the idea that I would be healthier.  Gone was the idea that I would be released from the jail I built up around me over the years.  Gone was fact that this would ultimately let me live a normal life.  Screw the normal life, I can't abandon my best friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on.  This was too much for me.  I needed to eat...

This procedure wasn't a quick fix.  I mean, you see "befores and afters", but you're not really well informed on the in betweens unless you actually lived it...experienced it....felt it.  If I really wanted to change my life with this surgery, I would have to pretend to be a mail order bride.  The opportunity for a better life was there, but I would have to learn to love it. 

...*breathe*....1, 2, 3...*breathe*.....*deep breaths*.....

At first I was afraid I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong and I learned how to get along

I will survive!  I am confident.  I will win this battle.  This love affair has to end.  It has been such a one sided relationship.  I have tirelessly put my emotion in this relationship, but all it has left me was bruised and battered.  This destructive cycle of abuse needs to end.  It needs to end now.  I'm reclaiming my life.