Freaking Out

Feb 16, 2009

Here it is, 9am the day before surgery, exactly 24 hours before I'm due to check in at the hospital, and I am overwhelmed by so many emotions. I'm absolutely terrified to have the surgery, but can't really identify why. Mostly, though, I think I'm afraid. Of dying? Of complications? Oh no. I'm afraid of changing the way I live. I'm afraid of forcing myself to eat healthy. I'm afraid of the very thing that I've daydreamed about for so long, eating right and exercising.

How stupid is that?

Luckily, everyone tells me that's normal. It doesn't help to hear it, but the logical part of me, the part of me that is so tired of overeating, of not being able to put the damn fork down, takes comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who's freaked out the day before surgery.

What will it be like? Will I have regrets? Will I break down weeping in the candy aisle? Will I get sick? Will I forget to take my vitamins? Will I really lose weight?

I'm dizzy just thinking about what lies in wait for me over the next few years.

And I'm scared. yes. This feels like such a selfish thing to do. I feel selfish. If I die during such a selfish operation, will my children forgive me? Ugh...this is so hard. I feel like the best thing to do is just put some temporary blinders on and get to the hospital. Once they give me a cocktail shot, I'm home free.

But for now, I'm scared.

I wrote my family a letter, laying out my funeral arrangements. I labeled it "just in case" and gave it to my husband.

I can't wait until I'm home again and can rip that letter to shreds.

I can't wait until I'm on the loser's bench.

I can't wait until I can bend over to tie my own shoes or walk up a flight of stairs without gasping for breath.

I can't wait until I don't have to fear diabetes or dying at a young age.

I can't wait to race my son in the park or ride bikes with my daughter.

I can't wait to learn how to ballroom dance with my husband.

I can't wait.

It's worth it. It's all worth it. I just have to keep telling myself that. And get to the damn hospital.

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