Shelley L.

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Well at least I'm good at something. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm not eating the right things, or the right amounts, too many calories apparently. Probably not enough exercise, at least I'm taking my vitamins! BUt who really cares, all of it is never enough, that's how it's always been. I can't accomplish what it is I need to accomplish because I'm a failure. Probably that's my destiny. DOesn't matter that I had surgery, my body will some how fail it. I'll fuck it up, I'm sure. 

I fail at relationships, I'm failing at life.  I don't know why I bother to be positive or optimistic it does no GOOD!

I have no one. Nobody really cares, they act like they do. I thought making the ice cream was a good idea, a fun way to get some protein in, obviously not, cuz apparently that's TOO MANY FUCKING CALORIES.  

NOBODY TOLD ME how many calories!  WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE To live on 500cal/day???  NO wonder people get so malnourished, we're not made to live on 500cal day, of course ppl lose weight fast, anybody is going to on 500 cal day. I should be able to eat 1000 cal/day and still lose weight at a decent pace, hell I dont care how fast it comes off, as long as it fuckign comes off. I was eating 1500-1800 cal a day on WW and still lost weight.

 SO WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE ON 500 now???

I get my protein in, I watch my carbs, I dont have anything extra fattening, WHY IS THAT NOT OK???

I haven't had solid food in 4 weeks, have I lost any fucking weight???? NOOOOOO apparently ive been having too many calories!!!!

So, maybe I'll just go back to water, let me just live on that, maybe that will make everyone happy. 

My fat ass can start digesting itself, that should work well!

 

 

Well, I finally told my mom and she was glad I didn't tell her sooner, so It all worked out. she had some questions and comments but overwall was happy for me. I'm sure it's just sinking in for her.  BUt it was WAY less dramatic than I thought it would be.

 I havne't needed any pain meds, I took my dressings off and have just a few steri-strips on now. My left still pulls sometimes, and my right incision tugs a bit. I get that tight feeling in my sternum now and then but can drink pretty well what I want.  

 We hate at Olive Garden tonight, I was worried I wouldln't eat anything but it worked out, i got some soup that was REALLY good and was able to eat the broth out of it.

So wish me luck and hopefully we have a smooth day tomorrow!

 

I put the hospital pics up here, I can't wait to add some afters!  I might take new pics after my doctor's appointment, so I can see what I way!

 

I've gone through a lot of emotions.  Everything is going well, no major problems.  A bit more pain than I expected, but tolerable.

I'm feeling pretty emotional, and second guessing myself a bit, hoping I made the right decision fearful it's not going to work and I did all this for nothing.

I'm hungry, I want a cheeseburger and donuts, and and and and!!!!

 I want real food!

IT's hard to believe nearly a week has come and gone, I've not had solid food in 3 weeks, today! My last meal was general pso's chicken, I'd give anything to taste that now.

I want something spicey, hot,  tangy!

 

I feel a bit unmotivated and sad.

 

wow, time sure flies. I'm a little nervous but not too bad, I just want to get it over with, and move on to the next phase!

I've done good day with my clears, got some isopure at GNC, it's not bad, not a great flavor, but tolerable.  have gotten my vitimins in pretty good and my protein so I feel good about that. 

 

Here I go!

I'm hanging in there....not even hungry, really, but I just REALLLLY wanted something else last night, really craving soup, if I could only have soup, that would be soooo good.

 I feel like if I could have soup/jello, something, i would be fine.  I feel weak, and stupid, and had pretty bad nausea yesterday.  Also pain, man what the heck, I think that flu shot nearly killed me.  I had SUCH severe pain yesterday. It's starting to fade today, but my back still hurts more than it has in a long time, I'm thinking it's lack of motrin. Tylenol doesn't seem to be helping, and I hate to keep taking the vicodin, I'm not sure if that caused the nausea and overall bleh I felt this morning or what.

 Thank goodess I didn't have to work, I"m not sure I oculd have made it, even tho, I should have, because I need the PTO.

 Going to my other job tonight, I hope I make it ok.

 I can do this, but this is truly the hardest thing I've ever done!

I feel like I did all the right things, before, I dont have head hunger really, I kind of got all that out of my system.  I feel so prepared for what's to come, I'm almost afraid how how ready I am.  

 

Stinking 3 pounds to make it under 300, If I don't lose more weight on this liquid diet, I'm going to be completely frustrated!

 

I think my body is holding onto every calorie I consume for deal life, because it's in shock right now.

 

I'm definitely getting in my protein and water and vitamins, yeah!

 

8 more days then I can do clears!

 

 

Whew, this is going to be tough.  I don't necessarily feel hungry, but I feel weak and my stomach is growling like crazy.  It's kind of refreshing to know I don't have to worry about eating.  I have all my protein drinks and vitamins bought, I just have to pick them up from the office, cuz they were delivered.  I can do this, I think????  It's going to be harder when I'm out and about, to not be tempted by getting fast food.  Right now at home, there's nothing I want to eat here even if I could!

 

I feel pretty prepared for everything.  I just need to clean up my house a bit and pack a small bag for the hospital, I think I have everything I need.  I really want to get a new phone before I go to the hosp as well, so maybe I'll do that tomorrow.  

 Wish me luck!

 

I've decided that going ahead with RNY is the right thing to do, even though I wish the band would be sufficient.  I just know that it wouldn't.  I feel ok with doing the RNY and I know I can make it work for me.  I will hope for the best to not have any complications and put faith in my surgeon. 

I had my pre-op class and everything is starting to come together, my surgery is less than 3 weeks away, it's coming up fast!  I have so much to do!  I had to have an EKG, chest x-ray and ABG's drawn.  I will never let them stick my wrist again unless I am unconscious that was the 5th time I've been stuck there, 4 other times were at the sleep study doc's office, and they still couldnt' get it, I feel like I have carpal tunnel there now.  He was able to get it in my AC artery and it didn't even hurt!  All I have I left to do is my labs and I'll just have them drawn here. 

We went over some discharge stuff, and what to expect in the hospital. 

I need to get all my protein drinks bought and my clear liquids bought, so I'm ready to go when I get home. 

I weighed 306 at the surgeon's office, I should be well under 300 before surgery, yeah!  I have more pictures to add.

Over this next week of eating I'm going to focus on not eating and drinking and trying to eat a little slower, those are my 2 worst things I think I've had a hard time working on.  I can see myself puking up everything if I don't work on that. 

I tend to eat like I've only got 5 minutes to get all my food down and I've got to learn to enjoy my food and eat more slooooowwwwwwllly, wish me luck on that one!

Wow, I made to 313, I've lost my 10%, that's what weight watchers always has you set as your first goal, and in my head that was my first goal to lost to, I really wasn't sure I could do that but I did!

Now, I'd like to get down to <300 before surgery, I don't care if I weigh 299 the day of surgery!

I think that's reasonable!

I can't wait to see my surgeon, I think I've made a huge change, and all this is before surgery!

This really makes me even stronger leaning towards the band instead of bypass.  I hope he's on board with it as well.

I got the date I wanted!  Thank goodness. After all the stress of waiting and having to change my date 3 times, it's finally working out.  I guess it's better this way too, I will have built up a little more PTO, and that will help money wise, although it wasn't going to matter to me, either way, I was still taking 4 weeks.  I could use the vacation!  I hope I recover well and am feeling like doing stuff, not just laying around. I realize I won't be 100% and all, but I don't want any complications and I don't want to feel like ass for weeks on end either. I'm going to do my best to make sure I don't get dehydrated and get all my supplements and such in.  Even if I have to IV hydrate myself at work, HAHA.

It's scary!  I'm going to change sooooo much!  I hope I'm ready!  I've been ready for a LONG time, but now it's becoming a reality.  

I just don't know what to do about my mom, I really need to think about this.  

Now, I need to really focus on my preparations.  

Supplements
vitamins
tools - timers, small cups, blender,
foods
clothes
 
WHERE is my dang CAMERA!!?!??!

I called the surgeon's office Wednesday, and left a message.  Did they bother to call me back? NOOOO.  Damnit, that pisses me off.  What does it take for them to return a freaking phone call.  Excuse me for wanting to know a little information?!?!?  If you dont' anything than just call me back and say that, JEEZ. 

Now, I just continue to wait, who knows how long before they actaully get the approval letter in their hands and actually call me to schedule things. I have NO idea what the process is from here, I have no idea if Nov. 11th is actually a feasible date.  I have no idea what I have left to schedule. 

Here I sit, waiting, wondering.

I really am truly frustrated with them, leaving me uninformed, unsupported.

My emails don't get answered, my phone calls don't get returned.

If I could choose another office, at this point, I would, simply for the lack of communication.