Question:
Anyone else go up to a MO stranger and tell them about surgery?
Well yesterday I saw a lady in the grocery store. She was a super MO, on oxygen. She was able to get up to select items but was zipping around the store in her scooter. I found myself carefully introducing myself with my before photo. Told her what I have done. Turned out she is waiting on her first appointment with a local surgeon. I invited her to our group meeting, since its open to anyone. We had a nice chat and I even showed her my incisions. Has anyone else done this. I know its forward, and pushy. But in her shape she has so much to gain by WLS. Oh yes has anyone gotten mad? I was prepared to apologize and make a quick exit. Its like answering questions here, I promised myself if I survived surgery and did well I would try to give something back to help others..... — bob-haller (posted on January 27, 2002)
January 27, 2002
Wow...I must say that was awfully forward of you! I would also say that
you got lucky! How would you have felt if you were minding your own
business and some total stranger came up to you? I know you felt like you
did a good thing, and you probably did. The important thing is that you
may have hurt her deeply...the decision to do something about your weight
is the deepest, most personal decision ever. I am not super M.O., in fact
I almost don't quality for surgery, but even with 100 pounds to lose, I am
very sensitive to others' opinions about it. If I could offer any advice,
I would say don't ever do that again. You may deeply offend someone, and
knowing the emotions involved, make him or her cry on the spot. How awful
would you feel then?
— [Anonymous]
January 27, 2002
Hi Bob, yes, I did tell one person so far. I was actually on the waiting
list at the time. I was in the school waiting to pick up my daughter and
saw one of the kids moms that was MO. I just matter-of-factly mentioned
that I was in the process of getting the Gastric Bypass. I felt that it
was an easy approach telling her what *I* was going to do, that way if she
was interested, the door was open. If not, she could have just said, 'oh,
thats really nice' and left it at that. No hurt feelings. As a post-op, I
think the before and after pic idea is great. They can see what *YOU* have
done, and opens a door for questions. There are so many others I want to
share with but find myself holding back in fear of offending. When I reach
goal, it will probably be easier, armed with good pictures. That is great
that you reached out and shared. By the way, the lady I shared with is now
9 weeks post-op and happy...and we're friends.
— Cheri M.
January 27, 2002
leave people alone. I don't mean don't talk about your surgery if it comes
up, but don't approach strangers who are minding their own business. If you
do, be prepared for tears, yelling, being told you are cruel and rude, and
take it, because you are. This is just so wrong, to approach someone who's
out trying to exist and you intrude on their space to tell them you
couldn't help but notice they were fat (cause come on, you wouldn't go up
to a thin person to tell them they should have the surgery) and you have a
solution... to them you are probably no different than the weight watchers
people, herbal people, anyone else who bothers them while they are trying
to go about their business. What if she had the surgery? Some people start
at 500 lbs, so she's had the surgery, lost maybe 150, and someone comes up
to her.. wouldn't that feel good? Nope, I think leave people alone. Now, I
haven't kept my surgery a secret by any means. i was in a store looking at
2x and another woman was to, and I said aren't these cute, and she yes but
to small, and I said, oh for me too, but I had this surgery blah blah..
which to me is very different because I wasn't picking her out of a crowd
or targeting her for apearing in public, but just brought it up in
conversation.
— [Anonymous]
January 27, 2002
MO people as you SHOULD remember are always talking about how they are
discriminated against because of there size or how people are rude to them
inpointing out there fatness. How dare you say anything without having them
ask first or at least in the course of a conversation say something. I
would have been so deeply hurt and upset to have someone do that to me , I
probably would have cried or told you where to go. This surgery is not for
everyone , and not everyone wants it. Besides how perfect are you to tell
others what to do? Shame on you.
— [Anonymous]
January 27, 2002
Come on people, back off a little. Bob is just acting out of compassion.
He has been there. He really has a heart for the MO. He is reaching out
in a tender way. Its not like he says, whoa fat ass, get the surgery. No,
he is merely trying to help. And if someone approached me it may embarrass
me a little, but reduce me to tears? Get a grip. Scream and yell? Grow
up. The obese know they are obese. They cannot hide it. They know that
their fat is in plain site, so why get so upset like somebody discovered a
secret? Geez people, don't be so offended by something so trivial. Focus
on WHY they are reaching out. If it was out of hate, then I would be
ticked, but not when done with compassion. People are way too sensitive.
— Cheri M.
January 27, 2002
Amen to what the poster said just before me...I am new to these lists, but
already feel I "know" Bob, and I find him to be very
compassionate and commited to helping those in and out of the WLS
community. He DID get lucky, but I am sure he would have made a graceful
exit had the woman been in the least bit offended.
I do have to say all in all, it might be better to have someone approach
you about WLS than having someone ask when you're due. I dunnon.
— rebeccamayhew
January 27, 2002
Okay, I'm amazed here at the number of people who are willing to let poor
Bob have it, but won't sign their name. I know that Bob has a true
compassionate heart for the MO. I have seen people that I would love to
tell about the surgery, but I don't. This is my choice. However, if I get
even the TINIEST chance to mention it, you bet your sweet bippy I do. Bob,
as far as I'm concerned, you need to do what feels right for you. God uses
people in different ways. And your mission may be to save lives by
approaching people. And, geez, this is just my opinion, for which I'm sure
I'll get slammed, but if you want to tell people how to act, have the
decency to sign your name!
— Lisa U.
January 27, 2002
I'm really sorry Bob and I know you meant well, but had this happened to
me, I would have been so deeply hurt I wouldn't have left the house for a
month! I rarely leave the house now because im afraid someone might say
something to me or look at me the wrong way. Yes I know I'm MO but It's
still such a very emotional thing for me that I can't deal with other
peoples reactions.
9 more days till I'm free of myself. *smile*
sorry Bob.
— elifritz
January 27, 2002
I have strong opinions about this, and feel the need to post. I understand
both sides here, and have sometimes felt that "if only that person
knew that there was an option for them..." It's so easy to become
zealous after this surgery, especially if the results have been terrific
and it's been a positive experience. BUT, approaching people out of the
blue is simply NOT the way to spread the word. It would be unthinkable to
approach people with other disabilities about what YOU think they should do
about them. Obesity is so very personal. If you feel compelled to
"spread the word" or "give something back", find a way
to do it that doesn't carry the risk of hurting someone. (BTW, I can fully
imagine the myriad reactions one could get with this tactic. I, myself,
might really give someone a piece of my mind if I were approached like
this. Worse, others might feel so much shame that they will smile
politely, say thank you, then go home and sob or binge their guts out. Not
your desired effect.) Give talks on your experience. Talk to your surgeon
about volunteering to talk with prospective patients. Write a book. You
clearly have good intentions, and I have no doubt that you are a good
person. Just implement your intentions in a more constructive way.
— Joya K.
January 27, 2002
Bob, I have seen in previous postings that you are really dedicating alot
of your time to helping people. I think that is great. In fact when reading
answers to questions I often find myself looking to see if you answered. I
value your expirience, dedication to helping others. I say use your best
judgement, if you are brave enough to say something, why not. I don't think
I have the courage to approach a total stranger. I will say that if you
said something to me and didn't have the before picture to show me you've
been there, I would be offended. I am having surgery Feb. 13th and my
personal policy is to be an open book. Everyone knows (family and friends)
that I am doing this and if they have questions great. I've had friends of
friends call me to learn, so the word is getting out in my circle! I feel
great if I can help someone.
— M. S.
January 27, 2002
HEY BOB, GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION, THIS WOMAN OBVIOUSLY ALREADY KNEW HOW OVERWEIGHT
SHE IS, I HAVE TO BELIEVE I WOULD APPRICIATE SOMEONE TO CARE ABOUT ME
ENOUGH TO "SHOW ME THE WAY" ISNT THAT WHAT WE HAVE ALL BEEN AFTER
ALL ALONG?
— rebecca N.
January 27, 2002
Bob, I think what you did showed that you are a caring individual :) There
are so many times I would love to share my experience with strangers, I am
such an introvert tho, even with my weight loss, lol! I really hurt for
the MO, and want to help better their lives too (no matter how small a part
I might play), I just can't find the words to open with. You did good :)
— DonnaCarol
January 27, 2002
I am just saying that people shouldn't be so sensitive when others are
reaching out to help, if done in a compassionate manner. And also, Bob
wants to reach out to the MO, only because he has been there and has
sympathy. I am sure that he has empathy for the cancer pt. or the
parkinsons pt. but he specifically knows what the MO person feels. He has
been there and that is why it is his agenda. That is why he wants to reach
out to the MO. If you have battled breast cancer, don't you suddenly
become a breast cancer awareness advocate? He just wants to help. I do
too, that is why I reached out to a stranger, out of compassion. I am so
proud of her, she has lost 50 lbs. in 9 weeks. She was thankful that I
mentioned it to her and now she is feeling healthier by the day. Of course
this will continue to be a debated issue, and opinions will be very strong.
We should agree to disagree. There are those that are thankful for
someone reaching out to help them, and those that get offended. And it is
just my personal OPINION, thats all, just an opinion, when I say that I
think that people are being too sensitive and they should be gracious.
— Cheri M.
January 27, 2002
First I WISH everyone would sign their name, but am not offended by the
wide range of answers including the unhappy ones. Were ALL entitled to our
opinion. The ISSUE is this. Everyone KNOWS they are MO, but most dont know
that surgery is safe and effective. This lady told me here diabetes and
other problems are overwhelming. If she didnt know about surgery, she
couldnt do it. TOO MANY folks dont know surgery exists. I didnt do it to
upset her. Incidently Jen feels what I did was wrong..... If it SAVES one
persons life is it worth t? I really dont know....
— bob-haller
January 27, 2002
My opinion is if the subject of weight loss and improved health came up in
casual conversation, then there is nothing wrong with sharing your
experience. But, to go up to a total stranger and out of the clear blue
just start discussing WLS is wrong... regardless of your intentions...which
we all know are good. Like so many of the other posters have
mentioned....there are so many tactful ways that you can help get the
message out. Call the newspaper and see if they are interested in your
story.
Be an activist for mandatory insurance coverage, etc. Remember, just like
alcoholics or other substance abusers, sometimes it takes M.O. people
hitting rock-bottom before they SEEK help. It really is important for that
person to, on his/her own, come to the realization that they are M.O.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt. That random person you come across
may not be READY to face their obesity.
— Karen B.
January 27, 2002
Well I personally think that we have to remember that Bob approached
someone who was on oxygen and riding on a scooter to get around. There are
some real serious health issues here, not just someone who was MO. Until
my Dr. told me about the surgery this last Nov. I didn't even think they
still did it. I think you have to be careful who you choose to
"enlighten", but knowledge is power...and I agree with some of
the previous postings- Bob is very compassionate and I think however he
approached this encounter it was probaly done with dignity and respect.
— roshelle P.
January 27, 2002
I think you were brave to say something. I do not think I could do that
though--but I have been very open about my surgery. I work in retail in a
small town--a lot of people have seen me through the years. Now that I
have lost 115 lbs. they come up to me in amazement and ask how did I do
it--WW, low fat? I always tell them about my surgery and hopefully someone
who needs the surgery will find out about me. In December of 2000 a girl I
worked with years ago came up to me. When I last saw her she was MO, she
was now thin. I asked her what she did, what diet? She told me that she
had WLS and about this site. The rest is history. I am forever grateful
she told me instead of telling me she was eating low fat or some other
diet. It bothers me that some who have had WLS won't tell.
— NancyNorris
January 27, 2002
Bob, I mentioned the surgery to 2 people that I went to school with. One
was a super obese woman--almost 800 lbs. I had a human anatomy class and I
sat next to her. She also rode a scooter around the school---had to have
the school bring in a special desk for her to sit in. We became good
friends and I started to tell her about my plans (I was a pre-op then).
Every day, she'd want to hear more, we'd email and talk on the phone.
Well, now she's consulting with her dr. of choice---and desperately wants
this surgery. I think she'll get it! The other girl is a parent of one of
the boys that my daughter has school with. We had our kids at swimming
lesson and I told her the day after I was approved that I was so excited
because my insurance just approved gastric bypass. I explained it to her.
She wasn't interested and decided to do it the "right" way.
Well, we also have since become friends. :o) I see her every day and
she always calls me skinny. Makes me get out of the car and turn around.
I see her mother at the grocery store and in her english accent always says
"you've done just brilliant". Since I've lost 118 lbs in 4
months she and her mother have been seriously looking into this surgery.
The way you did it took guts. But at least you weren't up there calling
her names. You were trying to help. Even if it was offensive, it probably
just gave her more incentive to change her life. Good Job Bob.
— Kristin R.
January 27, 2002
Bob, I know your intentions were good but I have to agree with those who
said you should not do this. It's better that a MO person aproach YOU to
ask you about GP rather than you approach them and tell them that you have
the answer to their obesity. Because if it were me and I had people come to
me and tell me what weight loss method worked for them, I would smile and
go home and cry and then probably binge. I probably would never leave the
house again because I would feel so ashamed of myself. I would feel like
people must be thinking I escaped from a freak show or something, and that
I can't go anywhere without people oogling me and taking pity on me. Now
how do you get people to come to you to ask you about GP? The T-shirts that
are sold here are a great conversation starter, I think. If we had some
kind of button about GP, that would be great too. You were real brave, Bob.
I would be too chicken to do what you did. And I'm glad the outcome was
great with that lady & that you were able to help her. I would just be
too conscious of what pain and embarrasment she would be feeling by merely
making an appearance in front of a world obsessed with beauty and thinness
and to have someone walk up to her and point out that she's huge, even
though she knows that already, might really hurt her feelings. Some people
might not be hurt and be grateful for your advice but other people might
be; you just never know. But I totally understand the empathy and
compassion you feel for the MO and the wanting to stop their suffering. I
think we all feel this. I have alot of respect for your caring and love for
others. But one has to be careful with people who may be emotionally
fragile. Well this is all my opinion; I don't mean to sound preachy. I hope
you forgive me if I offended you.
— lalasmommy
January 27, 2002
Ohh Alexandra, I think a t-shirt is a great Idea! I have to weigh in here
on the don't approach strangers side. I don't care how good your motives
are it's rude and if I were out shopping and someone came up to me or
whatever, I would be hurt. As for slipping out if the person were offended,
maybe I wouldn't show I was offended, maybe I'd just smile and say thanks
and then feel horribly about myself and how I can't go out in public
without someone having to come up and point out how once again I am not
normal and can't even pretend for an hour I am. Anyway, I like the t shirt
idea.. and I'm signing my name, although I think the anons have every right
to be so, especially since they are already getting yelled at for
expressing their opinion. This really isn't about Bob being a great guy or
not, it's about should someone approach a total stranger, unasked, and give
advice... that's the question. My answer is No.
— Becky K.
January 27, 2002
Years ago, I received an anonymous letter in the mail suggesting I try a
certain type of diet. From the postmark, I believe it had come from my
husband's godparents who had just been here to visit. I was FAR from MO at
that point in time and I was completely devastated that someone would do
this. And now, being MO, I would be just as devastated to have someone
suggest a way for me to return to "normal". I too find Bob's
answers helpful and knowledgable. And I appreciate his desire to help. I
have 2 women I work with who could certainly benefit from this surgery -
more so than I will. But I could never go up and suggest it to them. I
know how I would feel and just can't take the chance that I would hurt
someone that deeply. Yes, I'm MO. Yes, I should be able to "get over
it". No, I can't do it that easily. If I could, I wouldn't be
getting this surgery. I'd just accept it and go on with life.
— Katy B.
January 27, 2002
Hi Bob, how great that you happened to go up to someone that you could help
and give support to. I too have urges to do so, but am frightened that I
would hurt someone's feelings. I'm not even sure what my reaction would
have been if before surgery I had been talked to by a stranger, about WLS.
Now if someone asks who recognizes me, that I've lost weight then yes , I
tell them everything I can, but I haven't got the courage you have yet.
— Carey N.
January 27, 2002
One time I was waiting to get my hair cut and my hair dresser called me
into the area where she was an introduced me to this lady. She told me that
the lady use to weight as much I as did and she lost weight by having open
RNY. I know that she was trying to help, but I was so hurtful. I was
considering it at the time anyway but when she pointed it out I felt like
the biggest failure in the world. I know you mean well but you should only
tell someone if they ask you or if it comes up in conversation. Never
suggest it to someone, simple tell them your story. I'm sorry but it just
isn't right. I know you heart was in the right place. God Bless.
— [Anonymous]
January 27, 2002
I have to add my two cents in...about a year and a half ago, my husband
suggested yet another diet because his sisters were coming into town and he
felt that I was uncomfortable being around them---one of them being a size
2 and the other having just lost the weight she gained during her two
pregnancies (about 30 lbs). I was not the one uncomfortable until that
moment...I then realized that my family was uncomfortable. I have to say
that his suggestion nearly caused a divorce at that point---it also
prevented me from enjoying what could have been a nice little family
reunion. Needless to say, I grew much bigger after that. My point being,
unless you are sure about who you are going to talk to and about what,
tread lightly in the area of peoples weight. Wear a t-shirt or sweatshirt
calling yourself the "incredible shrinking---" and let them
approach you. By the way...my husband who thought I was making a big
mistake by having surgery now admits he was totally wrong. At ten weeks
post op...he loves his "new" and improved wife.
— Mustang
January 27, 2002
I APPRECIATE ALL the answers, both postive and negative. I am a walking
billboard for surgery and the good it can do. A old girlfriend gabriella,
is now in pre op testing. She is a good friends ex wifes sister and heard
of my WLS and called me up. I saw her for the first time in years at our
support group meeting. She has lost about half her foot and is probably
diabetic but will not admit it. I looked up another old girlfriend debbie
who was diabetic and being put on insulin that last time I bumped into her.
Me and Jen know her present boyfriend who works at our local giant eagle.
He is following our progress and says debbie is considering surgery, he
wants her to do it. We may invite the two of them to dinner so they can
both see for themselves. I called one tv station and suggested they do a
story on WLS. Havent heard anything from them. My motives are to help
folks, but I would only approach the true super morbids in obvious health
trouble. In the last few years I watched Audra and Larry die from MO. No
one ever told me or them about the surgery option. If they had they would
likely still be alive for their family and kids, and I would of done this
YEARS sooner. Personally I would LOVE to see a tv star on a current tv show
have surgery and have it written into the show. Someone like the lady on
the practice. It would cause production problems but would likely be a
ratings BONANZA, with people tuning into check her loss. I do like the idea
of a T shirt. Perhaps I could get my before picture printed on it, along
with I had weight loss surgery and got healthy or something.This might
reach more people. I do want to print up some business cards for this site,
I mention it to everyone who appears interested for themselves or
others.Save writing out the address.
— bob-haller
January 27, 2002
I am not super morbidly obese but I would have given anything to have known
about the surgery years ago. I would much rather have a stranger come up
and tell me about the surgery than have dealt with all the snide comments I
have had to deal with!! I am very outgoing and out spoken so I too feel it
would be giving something back! I think that you were probably able to
appoach her Bob because she made eye contact with you - I think there was
an invitation for you to talk with her even if it was unspoken?? I am
pretty sure if a morbidly or super morbidly person made an overture spoken
or unspoken to connect with me I took would take the initiative to talk
about my experiences. Where were you Bob when I could have
"talked" to you??
— Valerie P.
January 27, 2002
Wow! This reminds me of all the people who've "found Jesus" and
now go around preaching to everyone, those people who've quit smoking and
now have to tell everyone who smokes how likely they are to die, those
who've sobered up and now think everyone else is an alcoholic.....see where
I'm going here? I guess it's only natural to want to share our wisdom and
experiences with others, but it's not our place. I would've been horribly
offended if you'd come up to me and said that, just as I would be offended
if someone tried to convince me that going to church, quitting smoking and
drinking would solve all my problems. Might be TRUE, but it's not our place
to tell people how they should live their lives. Same with WLS.
— Angie M.
January 27, 2002
I am a pretty private person. I KNOW I was huge (started at 280)and I know
that I still have a ways to go (at 212 now)but it's no body's business but
my own how huge I am or how I handle it. Truth be told, I probably would
have slugged ya if you had come up and said that to me. I am thankful
beyond words for this tool that I have been given but It's not up to me to
walk up to complete strangers and "share my story". I strongly
believe that if an individual is meant to have this surgery, their time
will come. They'll see a commercial or see Carnie on the cover of a
magazine or get some other sign to know that it's time to take action.
Please leave this delicate situation to the individual to take care of by
themselves. Just one person's humble opinion...
— vbenedict0208
January 27, 2002
Since you (Bob) approached the woman privately and with sensitivity, and
given her extreme condition, I think that what you did was just fine.
However, your question reminded me of how such an approach should NOT be
done.
I was waiting in line in a Ladies' Room, when the woman in front of me
turned to me and started talking to me about how she had lost a LOT of
weight. She was talking about a certain diet or something. The point was
that when she made the first overture, I was VERY uncomfortable and I
looked away and tried to completely ignore her. If she had stopped when
she first started, I would have been embarrassed, but could have handled
it. Unfortunately, there were lots of other people around (her first
mistake), she didn't take my hint to shut up (her second mistake), and she
kept talking no matter what I did! I finally jumped into a stall while she
was still talking, and she never did shut up! I was furious! Now, this
experience of mine was a very extreme situation, and I'm sure no sane
person would handle it this way.
IMHO, as long as we're sensitive and private, it is OK to approach someone
who is in dire need of the answer that we have.
— Kathy J.
January 27, 2002
Frankly, I don't have the answer for anyone else. I have had a surgery I'm
happy with, but it may just not be someone else's answer. I don't walk in
their shoes, know their life. There are many paths, this is one, a good one
for many of us, but to decide it's right for everyone doesn't work. We
aren't God.
— Becky K.
January 27, 2002
Bob, Since you asked, (which by the way the MO woman DID NOT), I will give
my opinion. You are lucky she did not curse you out! Really. How
offensive. I would have been so hurt by this had it been me before
surgery. You do not have to save the world. Would you approach a bald
man/woman and tell them about the "great wig store in the mall"?
Would you tell a teenager with acne that Clearsil really helped you?
Puleeze. Did your mother not teach you any manners? I know you have
answered a lot of questions on here and are extremely successful in your wt
loss, but these questions are people asking for help. None of us have all
the answers and we ASK for advice. You are speaking at your support groups
isn't that enough to satisfy your need to "give to others?" No
offense but I feel you want to be in control and to get attention this way.
I remember a post you put on here about not being happy with your wife's
attitude after surgery. Is it enough to run your own life? That is hard
enough for most of us. I feel we are doing the MO world an injustice when
we are so obviously judging people and offering "assistance" to
them. It is different if it is somebody you know and who asks "how
are you losing wt?" Then we can give our story but to offer it
without even knowing the person????!!!!! Bob, you are probably a well
meaning person, but you need to mind your own business! Sorry. Sometimes
the best intentions get us in trouble. In this case although you are
sincere in your intentions, you are sincerely WRONG. I remember when this
wt loss ad scam was going around and we would get a supposedly valid
newspaper ad about it and up in corner, a handwritten "anonymous
friend" (or so it appeared) had written "Thought you would find
this interesting." I was hurt and angered by this. This is similar
in approach. You cannot offer unsolicitated advice. Remember there are
many out there who are advocates of fat acceptance. Some people don't want
to lose wt and are happy as they are. We have no right to push/recruit for
wt loss surgery.
— [Anonymous]
January 27, 2002
well the last poster (anon) said it for me too. bob, you need to take care
of your own life and let others, including your wife, take care of theirs
and ya im gonna be chicke and be anon too
— [Anonymous]
January 27, 2002
Ok Bob...Truthfully, I would feel kinda bad if a stranger came up to me and
kind of hinted that weight loss surgery would be for me. I would be like
"uhhh ok...are you calling me fat?" (lol) Even though I know I am
fat, and I do qualify for surgery and plan on getting it, I don't want
people I don't know telling me that. But that's just me. If I were you, I
would find an alternative way of spreading the word about WLS. I'm sure you
meant well, but that way you lessen the chance of someone slapping you in
the face. :o)
— fropunka
January 27, 2002
OK... here's the thing - people that are fat already know they are fat
(it's kinda obvious). While you may have thought you were helping someone,
you could have possibly opened old wounds... what if the woman had been
denied by insurance and couldn't afford it? What if she'd had a husband
that died on the table? What if she was one of those few
"failures" and the surgery didn't work for her. I'm thinking
along the same lines as the previous poster that this is basically
proselytizing for WLS. Go ahead and be a walking billboard for WLS, that's
fine, but please wait for others to approach you. Personally, I would be
rather offended if someone approached me in this way.
— [Anonymous]
January 27, 2002
I hope you all can stand one more response on this... I do not believe that
Bob should approach a stranger out of the blue, although I do think his
motives are very pure and well meaning. The opportunity seems to come up
almost daily for me to discuss my WLS as people everywhere I go are
flipping out when they see me. Usually thgey ask me how, so I proudly tell
them. I can't even tell you how many times this leads to discussions of
either, I know someone who is considering ths...I was considering
this...can you give me information about it, etc. Really, almost every day
this happens. It is unsolicited by me, so I gladly offer my advice and
support to anyone who asks. I think Bob will find that as time goes on the
opportunity to share about his life saving operation will present itself in
many ways, and the need to approach strangers will become less and less. I
have to agree with those who compared it to approaching someone who has a
physical disability, I have triplets who all have Cerebral Palsy (one
passed away 4 years ago, my surviving boys are now 10 years old) and they
are wonderful, very able boys. I do get offended when people approach us
(and they have) with their opinions and advice because I have advocated for
them since day one and raised them to not look at their disability as an
issue, then these people come up to us and make it one! My boys have been
through enough and are the Kings of the 4th grade(LOL), they don't need
someone reminding them that they walk a bit funny, or offering advice about
some miracle cure that we already know enough about and opted against. They
have been through plenty of physical therapy and surgery to get them where
they are now, and when someone points their "gimpiness" out is
offensive even if not meant to be. I hope that Bob realizes how many people
he can effect in a positive way just by simply "being" and
letting the opportunities to share come his way. I know this is long but
one more thought, I myself am struggling with the issue of; now that I am
thin, how do I get people to accept me as such and not always make a big
deal? I am ready for this to staret to feel normal, I have enough problems
looking in the mirror and seeing what is really there now, how do I get
this to feel normal to others? In the beginning I wanted everyone to
notice, but now I wish just one day I would feel like I am not a side show.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everyone's enthusiasm, but at one point we
must all learn to live our lives as thin, and having our weight not be the
only issue. Okay, my point you ask? Hopefully for Bob, this won't always be
the focus of his life and he will also desire some "normalcy",
maybe when he and Jen are both at goal they will start to also want to live
their lives in their new bodies and not have this consume their every
thought. Then he will find his niche on when to help and when it is not
appropriate. Good luck Bob, you really touched a nerve here, but thanks for
the opportunity to have a good discussion on a very sensitive topic.
— Vicki K.
January 27, 2002
Bob, I may not have the "popular" response here, but I really
wish someone had told me about WLS. If a post op person would have
approached me a year ago, it would have saved me one more year of being
tormented by this weight. Bob, I have been reading the question board for
months now and you are the one who is always there for everyone! Don't let
ANYONE tell you you are "cruel or mean"...we all know that you
are very compassionate. I plan on getting WLS cards and leaving them places
when I'm post op. I am also getting a T-Shirt! I am proud of you for
wanting to "share in the wealth" of WLS.
— KCAllen77
January 27, 2002
Thank you for ALL your answers. I see the vast majority of you feel what I
did is a bad idea. Now I would of been HAPPY if someone would of
approached me like that I guess I am different. But I will go with the
majority here and avoid doing this in the future. I didnt realize it could
hurt anyone so much. Sorry if I uset any of you.....
— bob-haller
January 27, 2002
I am almost 7 months post-op, and I can remember the day my boss approached
me with WLS. He had went through surgery a year ago sucessfully. Well at
first, I felt like ,"What nerve, just because he's willing to get
butchered up to be skinny doesn't mean I am." He didn't pressure me ,
and I avoided him for months. My feelings were not hurt, but I felt this
to be a sensitive issue and very private. Well after a couple of months of
gaining, I went back to him in tear because I knew he was the only one that
could help me. Bob, you may offend, but the truth sometimes hurt, and
think of the chance at life you're offering. I didn't know this surgery
even existed until my boss had it, and I wish that someone would have
talked to me earlier. I don't have the nerve to talk to complete
strangers, but I have made my life an open book, so I'll discuss the
procedures with anyone willing to hear.
— Tammy W.
January 27, 2002
I know in my heart that Bob is sincere and completely advocates this
surgery. I also know that he is also a very big help on this site. I
definately believe that there must be something inbetween just going up to
a person and not saying a word. Possibly this lady was trying to reach
something and he could have said, "here let me get that for you, I
couldn't have done it a few months ago but I had weight loss surgery and I
can finally reach this far". I don't know, okay maybe that sounds
dumb but there is always a way to bring it up without saying basically
"I think you need surgery". I know that's not what he said but
what I am saying is that I have found ways to ease into the conversation if
I want someone to know. Opportunity presents itself at times but I don't
think that I could just do what Bob did. Wrong? No, I don't think so
because I know he did it with compassion but, I have to say, I wouldn't
have wanted to be that woman. I'm glad though, that he is looking into
other ways to enlighten people. If this is what Bob chooses to do, more
power to him. He's happy with the changes. Just make sure Bob that if you
are going to be this zealous, that you know ALOT about the surgeries so you
can answer some questions. It will make your quest that much more
satisfying. There is a reason that so many people look up to Michelle
Curran on here and it's because she has done her homework well. We know
she knows what she is saying about nutrition. She's our guru on that
subject. As for you, I hope that everything you want to happen happens and
that you can spread your word and information if that is what you want to
do. There is nothing wrong with that. You're happy and want others to be
happy. What could possibly be wrong with that? Just do it the right way.
— Barbara H.
January 27, 2002
You must use wisdom to deal with this matter. I am very free about my
surgery. How I have deal with others about WLS, example: One day a lady
came into our office, (over weight) she was afraid of the dog. So I begin
to search for a way to inform about WLS, so, I said to her; you know she
weighs 90 lbs but she is a pussy cat. Then I said, I can't believe that I
lost that amount of weight. She looked at me and smiled, then asked how
did I do that. The door was open!
— LaVerne C.
January 28, 2002
I wear a "Before" button with a photo of myself before RNY. I
work with WLS patients so I wear the button as a means to motivate them. I
don't wear it when I'm not at work but, Bob, it might be a good way for you
to "open the door" when you want to talk to folks. Just take
your photo to Kinko's and they'll make you a button for $2.99. You'll find
that lots of people will ask you who the person on the button is and you
can explain. If the person you're talking to is not in need of WLS maybe
the person who IS in need will be within earshot. For me personally,
unsolicited weight loss advice was never welcome no matter how appropriate
or well meaning. However, I admire your desire to spread the joy and see
others helped as much as you've been helped. Best wishes!!
— ronascott
January 28, 2002
Hey Bob, I am currently waiting for my surgery (March 6) and wanted to let
you know that I learned about WLS from a total stranger. Last fall I went
in for my routine physical and a radiology technician asked me if I knew
about WLS and proceeded to tell me all about her surgery. She then told me
where to go for more information. At first I was a little put-off by her
forwardness-but curious none the less. Turns out, she may have saved my
life! After I have my surgery, I plan to send that lovely woman flowers!!!!
Take the risk Bob-it's worth hurting someone's feelings if it ultimately
saves their life!
— Cheryl A.
January 28, 2002
I tell everyone who asks about this surgery. I wear my t-shirt and carry my
before picture. I tell other patients in my surgeons office about my
success. But I don't tell until I am given the opportunity is right. Some
people like and accept themselves as they are amd don't need my opinion or
advise. I really like Cameron Manheim as she is and if she is happy Bob ,
who are we to judge! I know that in your heart of hearts you ment well. If
you ever meet me please don't tell me about my big nose.LOL
— Rose A.
January 28, 2002
WEll, I'm gonna venture out on this one too. First, I agree with Tammy W.
And I totally understand Bob's POV because I have felt like doing the same
thing myself!! LOL! Yes, you may offend at first, but. . .as long as you
are not cruel about it, that "offended reaction" is really the
other person's CHOICE to BE offended! LIke most have said, MO people KNOW
they're MO, really what's to be offended at? The truth hurts when you LET
it I guess. I 'll bet most of us don't think twice about commenting on our
"skinny friend's" little chicken legs, even though she KNOWS and
complains herself!! It's no less a sensitive issue for her, but the WAY
she reacts to the comment can lead her to the same type of feelings. But
one point that no one has brought up is that while some of us have had MORE
than enough "advice" on how to finally lose that weight, we ALL
have known, deep down, that it would only lead to another failure!! So, I
find it to be a MUCH different situation when someone recommends to me
another "diet" or exercise program or pill or WHATEVER!!!! (like
I haven't friggin' tried them ALL! LOL!) compared with someone who actually
approaches me with a REAL and potent SOLUTION! NO one ever did this for
me. I now wish (as we all do I am sure) that we would have known about it
years ago or someone would have told us sooner!! Like Tammy said, she was
crushed at first, but that was HER choice to feel that way. Her boss was
trying to help and TOTALLY understood where she was coming from. It took a
bit of time, but she "got over it" and asked for more info! So,
I say, a little uncomfortableness now can lead to a whole new life and
wonderful future (something usually NOT guaranteed when you are MO!)!! In
the spirit of compassion and understanding and INTIMATE KNOWLEDGE of what
someone else is going through. . . .I say, GO FOR IT!! Blessings,
— ChristiMNB
January 28, 2002
Eleneor Roosevelt once said "no one can make us feel badly without our
consent" I agree that if some rude person approaches you and begins
telling you how to lose weight maybe you shouldn't let it get to you... but
that doesn't mean the person approaching isn't rude. I think it's wonderful
people can say stuff to you and you can just shrug it off, some of us
aren't that evolved yet, and the old saying two wrongs don't make a right?
Just because we shouldn't feel bad if approached doesn't making being
approached in the first place okay.
— Becky K.
January 28, 2002
Well this subject sure has been popular, and thats a good thing. Espically
when someone stumbles across it in the serch feature. I have asked some non
mo friends and gotten the same response. Most negative, one positive and no
one in the middle. Incidently I used Cameron Manheim as just a examle of a
MO on tv. If you think about it there are very few MOs in roles unless they
are comedy and the mo is the brunt of the joke somehow... Thats sad... I
also want to thank folks for some very nice pro and con emails.
— bob-haller
March 27, 2002
As a follow up to this question I managed to interest a newspaper and they
did a big story. I think will reach lot more folks.
— bob-haller
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