Question:
Has anone else had the experience of being embarrassed about this surgery?
I have told only a close friend about this surgery. I have not told anyone at work or even some of my relatives. I guess it is because I am embarrassed. I am the biggest person in my family or my friends. I have told my principal that I am having surgery, but not what type. I feel deceitful. Am I alone? — April B. (posted on March 3, 2001)
March 3, 2001
Not deceitful. Just human. :)
— defatbroad
March 3, 2001
You are not Alone. I am waiting for insurance approval and have sworn my
husband to secrecy. I think I don't want anyone to know because I've had
sooooo many failed attempts at losing weight. I'm afraid I'll hear from
"well meaning (skinny) freinds" that I've failed in the past and
why am I taking such a big drastic step. I hope in time I can become more
comfortable and just tell them. One day soon maybe we'll be able to hold
our heads high and proudly tell the world about WLS. Good luck to you and
remember that you are NEVER alone here.
— Karen S.
March 3, 2001
I am scheduled for open RNY April 5 and I feel that this is a very personal
decision and just dealing with my family a challange. 14 years ago I choose
to get sober and went to AA. I tried to explain it to my "normal"
friends and they just didn't Get It. The same holds true for this surgery.
Most of my friends refuse to believe that the term Morbidly Obese pertains
to me. I am. So I have deceided to tell them that I am having my
gallbladder taken out and leave it at that. Let them think what they want.
I come here for support and I get exactly what I need from everyone here.
— Debbie V.
March 3, 2001
I am scheduled for March 23rd and my co-workers and just about everbody
else thinks I am having back surgery. I just don't want to tell anyone and
hear anything negative. This is a big enough step as it is and it would
only take a few negative comments to scare me away. Not to mention that I
am embarassed about it.
— [Anonymous]
March 3, 2001
My husband is the only person who knows that I am going to have surgery.
To be honest, I am humiliated that it has come to this. My family would
not understand. It is going to throw off the family dynamics if I am no
longer 'the fat one'
Although my friends might understand, they would try to talk me out of it.
They are all thin and have never known the feeling of being trapped in a
large, heavy body. They would all think it's too much of a risk.
It is a very personal decision to me, and although I feel a little
deceitful also, I think that I will do much better during surgery and
afterwards if I dont have to worry about everyone else worrying about me.
— [Anonymous]
March 3, 2001
April, It is a coincidence, from your post it sounds like you are a
teacher, I am too. I will be telling my principal after 3/12, when I have
bloodwork done that I am having my gall bladder out. I did tell one friend
that I have a cyst on my stomach and she freaked right out and started
crying; so after a day, I told her that I went to another surgeon and he
said it is my gall bladder. I hate lying to her, but I feel I have no
choice. I have told my husband, sister and one very close friend. Of
course, they all want me to reconsider. I am NOT. The rest of the people
including my boss are going to hear that I am having my gall bladder out,
hopefully it will work as an excuse and does not sound as drastic as a cyst
on the stomach. I hope this helps.
— [Anonymous]
March 3, 2001
I haven't told to many people what I am actually doing, of course my
husband knows, and he is totally supportive, my cousin, who is like a
sister to me, and my 2 best friends. Also I was honest with my boss. He
just wants me to come back to work ASAP. Everyone else thinks I am having
gall bladder surgery and hiatal hernia repair. I feel that this is a
personal decision, and people who aren't heavy wouldn't understand what we
go through. This is why I haven't told to many people.
— [Anonymous]
March 3, 2001
I didn't tell most of the people I work with including my boss that started
10 days before my surgery. I felt this was a personal decision and was
embarrassed that I had reached a point that surgery was my option for a
normal life. Six months later when people tell me how great I look and ask
how I did I tell almost everyone. Now I'm proud of myself instead of being
ashamed. I can understand your feelig deceitful - my boss is a pastor and I
felt terrible not telling him the truth. I did call him about 10 days after
surgery and "confess" the reason for my surgery as I had heard
there were rumors going around. Instead of being angry with me he supported
my decision 100%. Only you can decide who you tell about the surgery. I
think you will have to tell them eventually or come up with a really good
diet to credit the weight loss to.
— georgiacarol
March 3, 2001
I guess I am different from the rest. I agree it is a very personal
decision whether to tell anyone or not... but I chose to tell everyone.
Yes, I did hear some negative comments from a few, but that was ok. I have
been back to work for 2 weeks now and have lost 42 lbs. everyone is very
supportive now. For me telling other people kept me motivated. I guess its
to each his own. Good Luck.
— marlene R.
March 3, 2001
Well, I have told a few people, but not everyone. My husband is very
supportive, so is my mother. I'm sure she's told my father, and I think he
views my problem as a matter of low will power, nothing more, nothing less.
Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, but I don't think he'd understand.
He's always been able to lose weight easily and have never been very
overweight to begin with. My mother told my grandmother that I was
"thinking" about the surgery, and she had a fit, so I told her
not to say anything (grandma is 87 and has health problems herself, so she
doesn't need to worry). My daughter wonders what mommy will look like
thin, and she can't wait for me to have the surgery. I did tell my boss,
and from the expression on her face, I think she thinks I'm nuts, although
she didn't say out right. I told one other woman I work with, who is also
very heavy, and she was thrilled and said she will be watching me to see
how I do because she's interested.
— Dee P.
March 3, 2001
Shame and humiliation goes hand in hand with this disease. Meriddia
currently has a commercial out that says "I'm taking control", as
if the morbidly obese are somehow 'out of control'. I don't know about you,
but I find that offensive. It implies I could have control if I only
wanted it bad enough, which goes back to this disease somehow being a
result of poor moral character. Who wouldn't feel shame being told that
all the time? The truth is, most of us have been trying to lose weight
using ineffective programs, which blame us for their failure. Fortunately,
this surgery is something that works. You may feel embarrassed about
needing the help of a surgeon, but, let me ask you, would you feel
embarrassed to as an orthopedic surgeon to cast your broken arm? I say
hold your head high, to he!! with them who sneer, castigate and otherwise
act like they are superior because they were blessed with different DNA!
Good Luck to you!
— merri B.
March 3, 2001
Well, I blabbed to everyone, I mean everyone, and now regret it.
Especially since I am losing extremely slow. I thought the weight would
melt off, now I have co-workers coming up to me, telling me to stand up and
let them see how skinny I am. I've only lost about 24 pounds in 5 weeks
(surgery on 1/24). It is embarrassing. A couple of gals who work for the
same company, that I didn't know, emailed me from my profile on AMOS. They
are choosing to keep this confidential. I don't blame them! It's a
personal decision to make as far as who to tell. Good Luck!
— Tina C.
March 3, 2001
No need to feel deceitful - a very personal decision indeed! But, I wanted
to share with you the kind of reactions I got when I told people about my
surgery if you choose to let people know someday. The people who I told
were always very warm to me and I always mention it with enthusiasm.
Talking about it with confidence will keep the naysayers from criticizing.
I am also carrying pictures of myself pre-op. The people who didn't know
me then can't believe it's me! Most reactions are curious - they ask
questions about the surgery, how I eat, why I got it done, etc. They
always ask why couldn't I just eat less and exercise - this isn't a
judgement call, it's just a question and then I educate them. Then, they
are happy for me. One lady, when I told her, before she asked any
questions, just gave me a great big, huge smile! Boy, did that make me
feel good. One observation, though: The reactions and questions are much
more positive several months post op when there are results to be seen.
So, even if you don't feel like sharing now, you may decide to tell people
in the future. And don't be suprised if you find out that they are very
happy for you! Good Luck and God Bless!
— Allie B.
March 3, 2001
Initially, I had considered not telling anyone about my surgery. I never
knew anyone who had this surgery, and that is what changed my mind. I have
told my family, freinds and co-workers and have received nothing but
positive support. My life as a fat person was filled with shame and
secrecy-I would die before I would tell anyone my weight ! Not only is my
body changing postop. I am down 50 lbs in two months, but so is my way of
thinking.This has had a huge impact on my likfe. If only one person decides
that this may the right thing for them to do to take back there life , it
is worth the risk of negative feedback. You may feel differently later
about telling people, or you may not. I am enjoying the growing support
system I never employed before. Good Luck to you and know we are all here
for you.
— Margaret S.
March 4, 2001
You are definitely not alone. I wouldn't say that I was embarassed or
ashamed - I just didn't feel that my decision to have WLS was anybody's
business but my own. I told a select few close family members and only 2
very close friends who I have known for a long time. One of the friends is
currently morbidly obese and the other one has been in the past. All were
concerned and supportive. However, I totally agree with you - those who
felt the need to put you down because of your weight, will also put you
down and be negative about your decision to have WLS. In my opinion,
people who put others down and are judgmental suffer from poor self esteem
and seek to make themselves feel or appear superior by putting others down.
I know it is hard to take sometimes, but I truly believe that they have a
bigger problem than we do.
I am generally a very honest person. I try not to lie and have to admit,
that I have had a few pangs of conscience about lying to people. I told
most people that I was having major surgery ... period. Most accepted that
and did not press for further details. A few pressed for details and I
told them that I had extensive scar tissue and adhesions from previous
abdominal surgeries that were causing me pain and they had to be removed.
This was at least partially true - just not the whole truth (obviously). I
am sure most of these people meant no harm by their questions (probably
just curious and some were just concerned in a kind hearted way) - - I
simply didn't feel that I owed them an explanation. It is my nature to
keep my private life just that ... private. I do not make a habit of
sharing the initimate details of ANY area of my life with casual
acquantances or total strangers and WLS is no exception. Again - not
because I am embarassed or ashamed, but rather because I don't think it is
anyone else's business! I live in a fairly small town and I have no desire
to be the "topic of the day" for the local gossip mill.
I make one exception to my general "it's none of your business"
policy - - I will "tell all" to any morbidly obese person who
needs and wants WLS and would benefit from talking to someone who has
"been there, done that". I was blessed with a very supportive
PCP and I have told him and his nurse that I will talk to any of their
patients who are considering WLS and want to talk to a veteran. Ditto for
anyone I meet though web sites, e-groups, etc. This way, I feel that I am
being honest with people who truly need the information. I have fewer
pangs of conscience about lying to the "morbidly curious
gossips".
Anyway ... this is what worked for me and I hope it helps you. A final
thought ... once you decide to tell people, it is impossible to take it
back (i.e. if the cat's out of the bag, you'll have a heck of a time
putting it back in *grins*). You may want to wait to tell people. You can
always tell people later, but you can't "untell" them if you tell
them now have regrets about telling them later. Forgive me for rambling
and good luck and God Bless you, whatever you decide. Feel free to e-mail
me privately if you would like to discuss this (or anything else) further.
— Lynn T.
March 4, 2001
I am still pre-op (3-28-01) and I can count on one hand how many people
outside my immediate family that know what I am doing. I worked on getting
approval from June to December 2000. I got approved and my surgery date
the first week in December. I have had 4 months to wait, wait, wait. I
never thought I would be able to keep it a secret as I am a tell all sort
of person. At first I think I was ashamed that I was resorting to WLS but
now, it simply is not a big deal. I have chosen to keep it private at work
as one of my co-workers has a brother that died due to complication from
this surgery. I simply choose not to advertise and hear all the negitive
comments, the oh but so-n-so died, the but you are not that big, and of
course the can't you just eat less, garbage. It was just made public in my
office that I will be out on medical leave in April. So, many people have
come to me to ask what sort of surgery am I having. As they all have
prefaced the question (so far) with, "I know it is personal and you
don't have to tell me, but..." It has been easy to say that it is
something I prefer to keep personal. Then the response has been, ok, I
will keep you in my thoughts/prayers and that was it. My family was not
real supportive at first with the exception of my 12 year old son who is
thrilled. They have all come around and are supporting me now. I feel
that this is one of the most personal decisions I am making...I choose to
LIVE!
— smummert
March 4, 2001
I did not anyone when i went in for my initial consult with the surgeon. I
did not even tell my supervisor when i was filling out my fmla paperwork.
I'm sure the surgeon put the type of surgery on my paperwork. However I did
not discuss it with mangement or my co workers beforehand. I just said i
was going in for surgery. My mom and her big mouth(LOL) told everyone in
our small town. Once I came back to work, I told a few of the people I work
with. They have been very supportive of my decision and have been telling
me how well I have been doing. In telling my co workers, 4 other women in
my department have had or will have the surgery and others are asking who
my surgeon is in order to have a consult. So we now have our own little
support group at work.
— Jan M.
March 4, 2001
I can say that I was not embarrassed about telling
co-workers,friends,family about me having surgery. What I was embarrassed
about was telling people that I weighed 349 lbs>>>and if I DONT do
this surgery my weight will continue to go UP or I will die of being
obesit. If anyone was to ask my How much I weigh I would be so ashame of
myself and I would actually lie about my weight. But as far as the surgery
No way. For once in my life I felt very confident in the dission I made to
have the surgery to better my health FOREVER. (Not just doing another fad
diet that will fail, or joining and exercise club that I might last 3
months.)
I was scared at first to tell people, but I had to ask myself why I was
doing THE SURGERY? was it to live a healther live, or to fit in a size 6
and wear a Thong???? My answer was to live healther. And most of the
people I shared this with was really happy that I have made the choice to
do something GOOD for me. The one's that might think it is the easy way
out, or very judgemental , oh well than they were not really my friends
anyways. A true friend will stick by you no matter what you decide to do
in your life. And I will be honest I dont sweat what people think of me, I
really dont. Because people are going to be people some cruel, some kind,
some loving, some evil. and everyone has an opinion. And I have made alot
of enemey only because I openly say what is on my mind and in my heart.
Most people view me as a strong will power woman and when I make up my mind
and want something I go for it.
( I remember a few years ago my nickname was "QUEENBABE" because
I got what I wanted>>>>>>LOL. I will not be ashamed to
admit to anyone that this surgery has saved my life and I would do it again
if I needed to. I wish you the best. Just take care of yourself and
remember you are doing this for YOU not no one else...God Bless you.
DREAMS DO COME TRUE FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVES. Jay Biller
— jay B.
March 10, 2001
I was also initially embarrassed about my decision to have this surgery.
However, I cam to the realization that everyone already KNEW that I was fat
- how embarrassing was THAT?!? I had to quit smoking to have this surgery
done - and a big part of being sucessful there is to have a lot of people
knowing that you have quit so that they can be supportive (and hold you
accountable if need be). When I started to think about it that way - I
realized that there is always a need for support from family, friends and
co-workers. There are always going to be people who "don't get
it" - but they were probably the same ones who talked about your size
the minute you left the room anyway. My guess is if you are feeling
deceitful - you would actually feel a huge weight lifted off of your
shoulders if you started to tell people about it. It was a wonderfully
motivating factor for me - and everyone at work has been wonderful ever
since my surgery.
— Sara R.
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