Question:
Can someone give some ideas for me to help my sixteen y/o daughter?
I do NOT keep junk food in the house, first off, so that isn't the problem. My 16 year old daughter weighs over 200 lbs. and is 5'3". Her father and I both had wls this year. I don't want her to have to go through that! She just doesn't seem to care. Any suggestions on what I can do? She is eating everytime I turn around! I thought about taking her to TOPS or something like that, or for some nutrition counseling. Thanks for your help. — Tammy . (posted on November 5, 2002)
November 5, 2002
I think each of us have to come to our own realization and self-awareness
of how big we actually are. Your daughter will need to walk her own
journey. As much as we would "knock some sense" into our kids,
often times they have to learn to make their own decision about these
things. Especially one that will affect her for the rest of her life and
not just until she's out of the house.
— Robby E.
November 5, 2002
At 16, No one could tell me anything!!! I am sure that you daugher is the
same. Just continue to support her, and know that she will continue to need
your support as she gets older. I know it has to be hard for you to know
what she is going ot experience growing up as an obese person, and not
being able to help her. Hang in there.
— Vicki L.
November 5, 2002
I don't think a little nutritional education would hurt anyone. A simple
HOBBY (cooking classes you could both take?) no matter what it was; could
help her as well. Have you ever asked her to go walking/riding with you?
Or asked if there was some extracircular hobby she'd like to be involved
in? Sometimes we eat for numerous reason, one biggest is boredom etc.
Being interested in her, beyond her weight, may be the first place to
start. Her being occupied with a project or hobby after school may change
her whole life around. She may say "I don't want to do
anything", (I know I wouldn't have wanted to) - well, tough. I know
parents who have told their children- pick something; or I will. I wish
mine would have!
— Karen R.
November 5, 2002
Okay, remember back to before you had WLS. Did you like anybody telling you
to how/when to lose weight before WLS? Don't you think she already KNOWS
she needs to lose weight? Did you like it being pointed out to you that you
were overweight? Do you remember how your feelings were hurt when those
questions were asked to you? This is what your doing to your daughter and
maybe you aren't even realizing it. Nobody can be pushed into something
they don't want to do. In my opinion, the more you push, the more she will
eat and rebel against anything you say to her. Leave her be and let her
come to any decision about her weight by herself.
I have a 23 yr old Stepdaughter who has been putting on the weight this
past year (since she's with her BF who ISN'T well liked but thats another
story!). She's 5'8" and a size 22. Do I say anything? No. Its her
life, SHE KNOWS she needs to lose it and will when its time for her. I will
be the LAST person to talk to her about it even though I've been there and
I worry about her.
— Kris T.
November 5, 2002
You gotta think.....did those things ever work for you? I am 21 now but
when I was 16 I did try to diet and things didnt work for me and when my
parents would try to help out I would get mad at them and just say forget
it and quit what I was doing. Its not really getting mad at them more mad
at myself for being as big as I was at the time, and I was embarrassed to
have my parents try to tell me how to do it.
— EvningStar81
November 5, 2002
Do you and your husband exercise? Can you take your daughter with you and
make it a "family" outing? That might jump-start things, and it
takes the pressure of off eating. Show her how much fun it is to exercise.
— Angie M.
November 5, 2002
I would give Weight Watchers a try along with a good exercise program.
Sometimes the genetics just makes it impossible to avoid being overweight.
But positive results have been known to happen with the proper support.
These are the most important years of her life and having a good self
esteem will make all the difference in the world regardless if she is thin
or not.
— Sue A.
November 5, 2002
Hi there...even though I'm pre-op this question hits home. I'm 23 and a
little wiser now...but when I was 16 I was a mess and ate through all my
problems. If you read my profile it elaborates more. Maybe your daughter
has a binge eating disorder and she "sneaks" around. If that's
the case she may need a therapist. The problem is probably more complex
than just eating too much and not exercising (although I've never had
problems with not wanting to exercize). For me it took a group my therapist
ran discussing causes of overeating and learning how to stop those patterns
when you get in bad situations. I'm not perfect, but I don't think I could
handle surgery coming up without the tools I learned. I know how to stop
the insanity and the surgery will be a great tool in helping me feel full.
With that said I would recommend supporting your daughter but not being too
pushy. She's at such a difficult age. My grandmother, god bless her soul
meant well but she pushed me into losing weight at that age. I felt better
about myself for a moment, but things got really bad and I ended up gaining
all the weight back plus way more. If she wants to lose weight only she can
go forward with it. I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear...I'm
just sharing my expereince. Good luck and feel free to E-mail me if you
have any questions. Congrats on you and your husband's surgery :)
— mzcath
November 5, 2002
Chances are that if you and your husband were both obese, that it's
something in her genetic make up. I've always maintained that I did not
have an 'off' switch. I was not obese as a child but I've always had an
eating problem. I truly believe that besides the 'fat' gene that is carried
down through generations that there is some sort of hormone missing that
tells us when to stop. Your daughter may be one of those. I know I'm not
putting it very well, but maybe she doesn't see the point since she has to
cope with all the dieting stuff and still feeling bad because she wants to
eat and not seeing much progress because of her genetic make-up. Have you
had a THROUGH blood work up on her? What was it that made you and your
husband over eat? Emotions? Stress? That wonderful fat and sassy feeling
that you get after a great meal....until you look in the mirror or try to
get dressed. I read an article in People about obese children and the
physcologist said many people do not have an 'off' switch. The hormone that
tells the brain you're full. Just a thought...Good Luck
— Sharon B.
November 5, 2002
I understand your frustration. My boys are now 30 & 32. Both are at
least "thick", but not 100# over. 80 maybe. The one I see most
often "doesn't believe in surgery", which is AMAZING when they've
watched the 2 of us for 7/8 yrs and when they're here, WLS people come
& go all the time. They (My d-i-l is most definitely one of
"us") KNOW we don't diet, as such. They will diet & exercise
tomorrow, just like his dad (my ex). While we were married, we must've
bought 'n sold (unused) exercise equipment 20 times! But in the end, he
died of his comorbs at age 49. Tomorrow never came. NOW, how my kids can
see us, see that & still "not get it" is far beyond my
comprehension. I don't have an answer for you, but I surely can
sympathize, as I watch my kids head right down the same path we did and not
choose the "happy ending".
— vitalady
November 5, 2002
I'm 20 and had WLS this summer. At 16, I wish my parents would have helped
me address my weight issue. Well, other than my dad pinching my fat and
telling me I need to get rid of that (but that's a whole other can of
worms!). It's hard to say how your daughter would react or what kind of
"help" would work best for her. Personally, I think a program
such as TOPS would probably be good. I mean, it's something that is
ongoing and with other people not just a (probably skinny) nutritionist. I
know that this may sound bad... but maybe establishing a "reward
system" when she starts losing could help too. I mean a CD or shirt
or something like that. I reward myself when I lose weight and it's nice.
Good luck! =)
— Tanya B.
November 5, 2002
Hi, just wanted to throw my feelings on this out there, too. I'm 25, and
I'm waiting for my insurance approval. My parents always wanted me to
learn from their mistakes, and didn't want me to go down the road I was
already headed (just like any parent). We kept sweets and junk food out of
the house, too. Obviously, that didn't work too well, or else I wouldn't
be here. Looking back, I would have told my parents to back off on the
"You shouldn't be eating that" route, and done more active things
as a family. Therapy is great, not just for eating disorders, but just to
give her an opportunity to talk to a non-biased adult about some issues in
her life. Remember the saying that "You can catch more flies with
honey than you do with vinegar." (Pardon the pun)
Have tons of healthy, yummy options at hand- fruit, vegetables, pre-cut and
ready to grab, low-fat/calorie sweets and treats. Go for a bike ride with
her around the local park. Take the dog to a dog park, walk around the mall
with her for some "girl time." Wash the car together, rake
leaves together, play in the snow together. Try to get her involved in a
new sport- soccer, volleyball, tennis, frisbee- tell her it will help with
college applications. Don't lie to her, but I wouldn't make it appear that
you are doing this for her to lose weight, in my own experience, it will
only make her resent it, losing weight is simply a great byproduct.
Chances are that the problem isn't food, the problem is lack of activity.
All of those little things add up to burning calories and not bridges
between the two of you.
— Jess S.
November 6, 2002
I too know how you feal. I had my surgery 4 months ago and my daughter is
14, she weighs about 250. She resents me more and more with every pound I
lose. I don't flaunt my weight loss at home in front of my kids or
hubby(though I sure would love to, cuz I feel after all this hard work I at
least deserve a little gloating now and then). But I chose not to say
anything about my weight loss. I did talk her into joining an exercise
class with me. I told her that it was something I absolutely had to
do(dr's orders) and that I was afraid to go by myself.......whew ...it
worked to. She is actually having a great time going a few times a week.
She was weighed and measured and has lost about 8 lbs in the last 2 months.
Not much but it sure is better than gaining 8 lbs. I tell her all the
time how proud I am of her and how I realize how much harder it is for her
than it is for me, but I still see her resentment towards me more and more
everyday. She feels that 8 lbs is nothing and gets discouraged. I try to
remind her that it sure is better than gaining, but that doesn't seem to
help. I asked her once if she would ever consider surgery and she said
"NO". Maybe when she is older whe will change her mind. I wish
that she would have it now though while she is young and can still have a
chance to enjoy her teenage years. Good Luck to you and God Bless!!
— DRutherford
November 7, 2002
I almost wanted to cry when I read this question and answers to the
question. I have been overweight my whole life and I know what your
daughter is going through. Yes I agree with the others that there is
something in our genes that makes us overweight, but I also think that
environment has something to do with it as well. I was an only child, I
don't know if your daughter is too as well, but that was part of my problem
b/c I was constantly bored. I never ate when I was doing something with
friends or family. The hardest times of the day are when you are not doing
something. I would agree with all the other postings, get more involved
with her. Even if it isn't physical activity, sometimes just walking
around the mall helps. The thing is you have to find out what she wants to
do and then do it with her. Like going to the movies, or the mall, or
something fun. Raking the leaves is not my idea of fun. TV is evil
because it allows you to eat and watch, so I guess movies do to but if she
doesn't have the money and you are paying then don't buy the candy and
popcorn. But don't argue with her if she has the money and she wants to
buy it. She knows what she is doing wrong and she knows what she has to do
to fix it and there is nothing you can SAY to help her. But what you DO
might. And maybe if you didn't make junk food a forbidden thing she
wouldn't want it so badly. I am not coming down on you or how you raise
your child I am just telling you what would have helped me when I was 16,
so please don't be mad. I hope something I said helps.
— Danielle B.
November 7, 2002
I don't know what anyone else had to say, I didn't read it, but here is my
opinion. I am a very firm believer that obesity is very genetic. If your
husband and yourself have had the surgery, you were obese at one time. I am
assuming that you all are the mother and father. Forgive me if I am wrong.
My father is 6'4" and weighs about 500+ pounds. My mom is of average
weight. My brother turned out a beanpole and I was blessed with the obesity
genetics. I was 100 pounds in first grade and it didn't get any better from
there. I was over 300 pounds in high school and I am 5'9". My parents
didn't keep the junk food around and such and they tried everything to get
me to loose weight. I will tell you from experience that your daughter has
to learn for herself that she has a problem and needs to fix it. If she
opts for surgery later, then that is what she choses. Just be supportive of
her. Like any other "addiction" one has to realize they have a
problem and have to want to change it theirselves. You cannot force her to
do something she does not want to do... she is a teenager... she will fight
you until the end. With me, I was fine with my weight when I was in high
school. As I got older and more mature, I realized the health aspects of my
circumstances. Those were never an issue before. But it came into a reality
when I found out I could not have kids because of my weight and numerous
other health problems were erupting. I had to change it for myself, though.
As I said, I can tell you this because I have been there. And not too long
ago I may add. I am only 22 now. I just had surgery a little over 2 months
ago and am really happy with the outcome. I hope this helps and I really
hope everything turns out for the best!
— sammygirlwpc
November 7, 2002
My first question is: Is your daughter depressed? Is she involved in
activities and with her friends? An "I don't care" attitude is
typical of her age, especially around parents. They care, but they don't
want you to know it because they don't want you to know how vulnerable they
really feel. For me, boredom and loneliness are the first two triggers to
eat. Another is depression. I was all of these at 16. But, I liked what
an earlier poster said: "Being interested in her, beyond her weight,
may be the first place to start". At sixteen, there were no
meaningful conversations happening between me and my mother -- not one.
And the only time my mother tried to connect with me was about my weight.
There was no foundation of a relationship to build upon and so when she
mentioned my weight, I shut her off and out. Talk to your daughter as a
person. Don't just ask her if she wants to do this or that with you. Tell
her <u>you</u> want to do something with her and then follow
through on it and do it. Let her know that you are interested in her as a
person and that you like her. Tell her she is beautiful, period. Tell her
what it is you like about her and what she does that makes you feel proud
to call her your daughter. Once you have a good foundation (I apologize if
I'm assuming in error that you don't), then perhaps you can speak about
issues around food, weight, and health. The big mistake that my mother
made was believing that my experience as an overweight teenager was the
same as her experience as an overweight teenager. But, while similar, they
were significanly different. Teach her that you like her (in my book, this
is different from loving) as she is, fat or thin. Teach her that she
doesn't have to be miserable, bored, or lonely unless she chooses to be.
Then, if that is what she chooses, just love her until she chooses to be
different. Being 16 is hell. Just be there for her when she is done
"being" 16.
— rebalspirit
November 7, 2002
Tammy~
6 years ago I was just like that. I didn't read through all the answers
thouroughly, but I have to say that there may not be much you can do.
Exercise and diet just doesn't do it for some people, we should all
understand that. When I was 16, I was a varsity swimmer with practices 5
days a week, but I still weighed 200 pounds. Both of my parents are MO and
it was just the luck of the draw that I am, too. In the last 6 years (I'm
22), I've put on about another 80 pounds and have decided to take control
of my life and have WLS. I don't think I would have ever thought that it
would happen to me when I was 16. No one ever does. I can remember
telling myself I'd never get past 200, then it was 225, then it was 250 and
so on... Now that I'm ready, I'm really making sure I never hit 300. I'm
sure your daughter is just not willing to admit defeat. Even at 200
pounds, I still felt kinda normal. It just may take her growing up a
little more to realize what she's doing, and by then, just like me, it will
mean having WLS.
— Toni C.
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