Question:
THE END OF A LOVE AFFAIR: How do you cope with the loss of food after surgery?
LAST NIGHT MY HUSBAND AND I HAD AN ARGUMENT. WE BOTH HAD A VERY STRESSFUL DAY. IN THE END HE SAID : COME ON NIKKI AND I'LL TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE AND GET YOU A SNACK SO YOU'LL FEEL BETTER. ALL OF A SUDDEN IT HIT ME AND I WAS SO MAD. ANYTIME I GET UPSET I REACH FOR FOOD. I'M PRE OP AND WONDERING HOW YOU COPE WITH THE EMOTIONAL PITFALLS AFTER SURGERY? HOW DO YOU GET THOSE PEOPLE THAT ARE CLOSE TO YOU TO CHANGE THEIR THINKING? I ASKED MY HUSBAND WHAT HE THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN WHEN HE CAN NO LONGER USE FOOD TO END AN ARGUMENT OR MAKE ME FEEL BETTER WHEN I'M UPSET. I FEEL LIKE IT WILL BE SUCH A CHORE TO CHANGE MY OWN THINKING AND JUST WONDERED WHAT HAPPENS TO THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU? — nikki R. (posted on May 29, 2002)
May 29, 2002
COME ON NIKKI AND I'LL TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE AND GET YOU A SNACK SO YOU'LL
FEEL BETTER------Ummmm, that would have caused an even bigger argument in
my house!!!!
— RebeccaP
May 29, 2002
I had never thought about why I ate until I was no longer able to do it.
For the first two weeks home, I found myself wondering around the kitchen
looking in the fridge, rummaging through cabinets, and digging in the
pantry everytime the stress level in my house raised above 'calm'. Then
BOOM it hit me! Wow! no wonder I got fat!!! I have two kids!! haha. It
was and still is very hard to get passed the eating to rid stress feelings.
But honestly, now that I KNOW why I was eating, for some reason it has
made it easier to deal with it. I try a big glass of water, or maybe a
couple of peanuts, something that I need anyway. That doesnt cure the
problem i know. Just bandaids it. But at least Im not eating a candy bar
or ice cream or something like that. I even read somewhere that someone
brushed thier teeth everytime they had some kind of emotional eating
craving. Boy would my teeth be super clean!!!!
— RebeccaP
May 29, 2002
Before I was an emotional eater, now I am an emotional fidgiter. Instead
of eating, I do chores: laundry, paperwork, play on the computer, shopping
lists, phone calls, anything and everything. I'm like the energizer bunny
running around the house. Amazing since I was a couch potato before
surgery. It took me months to adjust to the emotional eating void, so give
yourself time. As far as the rest of the family, they'll need time to
adjust too. Our society is raised thinking of food as comforting. You'll
find other ways to relate to each other. Take a quick walk or bike ride
together in place of the car ride for a snack. Good luck.
— Angela B.
May 29, 2002
I eat when stressed, and to this day (9 months out) I will suddenly find
myself rummaging in the kids candy basket when upset. Fortunantly I dump
on sugar, so I stop myself, and go chose something healthy. I still will
eat occasionally in response to stress, but just make a healthier choice
like a piece of fruit or cheese.
— mom2jtx3
May 29, 2002
I don't think I realized until after surgery how much of an emotional eater
I am. About 4 months post-op I was under so much stress and had so much
anxiety from things going on in life that I wanted to eat a lot, and all
the time. I began seeing a therapist who specializes in eating disorder
and she has given me a lot of great advice already. I feel like a home
improvement project - one thing at a time! Seriously, though it is a great
idea to really focus on what's important to you - and if this surgery is
important then you ought to seek counseling to help you learn to work out
your frustration, stress etc. with food. At every step of the way there
are going to be people who want to soothe/asbotage you with food. Ignore
these people and concentrate on what's important to you. Think about how
great you're going to feel and how good you're going to look when you've
lost your weight! Congratulations on your surgery date and good luck!
(and get some help now to help you deal with issues that may come up
later!)
— Pamela P.
May 29, 2002
Nikki, thank you so much for posting this!!!! I'm only 2 weeks post op
(5/16/02--RNY) and I can't stop thinking about food. I've decided that
until I get off of the 6 week full-liquid diet I won't be going out to eat
with my friends. It's hard enough for me to go to the grocery store
without thinking "I never got to try the new OREOS,"
"There's another food I'll never be able to eat again," etc, etc.
I truly believe that my biggest struggle with having WLS is going to be
the mental aspects. I LOVE food and I'm not going to lie and tell you this
is a piece of cake for me. I don't regret the surgery one bit, but I think
it will take weeks or months to change my feelings towards food. Like the
other posters to your question, I now realize why I gained so much weight.
I'm addicted to food!! I also have friends that don't want to eat
"regular" food in front of me, but I tell them to please eat how
they usually would, because sooner or later I'm going to have to face the
hard truth...I can't protect myself forever and I have to be strong when it
comes to the food choices I make. Yes, I even cooked my roommate a filet
mignon dinner last week (to thank her for her support before and after WLS)
and as good as it smelled I didn't eat any. My suggestion is to get on
this website EVERY day and keep posting questions and post answers to
others questions, because this website has been a tremendous help to me and
my struggles. Good luck and God Bless!! ~Rachelle
— rdszakacs
May 29, 2002
I, too, am a stress eater. The first few months after surgery I had no
problem not eating as 1/2 the time I was nauseous and the rest of the time
learning to eat just good foods/proteins. At 4 months out, and in a
stressful job, I find myself craving munchie snacks when I feel stressed.
I keep some peanut butter crackers and saltines in my desk, and a protein
bar in the purse to help. Also a small container of fruit to munch on.
Its helped, but I probably need to get that counseling to deal with why i
want to eat when stressed. On the good side, after surgery you eat sooo
much less and get full quicker. And if your a dumper, you won't be able to
abuse yourself with sugar. Some advantages. If you do decide to go to
counseling, bring your husband along to the part where they will talk about
enablers, which it sounds like he is one. He needs to support you and not
sabotage you.
— Cindy R.
May 29, 2002
Wow, what a great question! My hubby and I were definitely "eating
buddies" and abused food in order to (1) relieve stress, (2) reward
ourselves and (3) mend arguments. Now, over a year later, I have lost 180
lbs., and my hubby has lost 45! We just simply found other ways to cope!
Now we work out together, take long walks, meditate, read to each other, go
to the movies, etc. ... different ways to cope with our stressful lives.
Interestingly, our relationship has DRAMATICALLY improved since our love
affair with food has become more moderate. We still eat out on occasion,
but this is no longer the focus of our entire evening. Food is
fuel/enjoyment, but not an addiction. Don't worry ... your love affair
with food never was very fulfilling, if you really think about it. There
are much more wonderful, fulfilling things to do in this world, besides
eat.
— Terissa R.
May 29, 2002
Hi Nikki! A good trick that works for me 95% of the time is a nice
distraction...like for me, I love to escape into a good book or magazine,
or watch a movie. I get so sucked in that I forget I was stressed, or
bored, or "head hungry"! Also like a previous poster said, I get
fidgety and look for projects to do around the house...if I sit around
watching tv, then I'm bored and I want to eat. In your case, instead of
getting in the car to go get a snack, put on your walking shoes and go get
some fresh air! Just my two-cents!! Good luck to you on your upcoming
surgery!!
— LaRayne H.
May 29, 2002
Hi Nikki, I am 4 months post-op. I did go through a "mourning"
period immediately after open RNY surgery. I missed food and was jealous
of what my family (husband and 2 kids) could eat and I couldn't. And I
wondered WHY I had to do something SO DRASTIC! Well, that was then, and
now, 4 months later, I am still coming to grips with the loss of food. We
don't go out to eat anywhere near as often as we did before, and my family
misses this. But now I find I notice THEIR bad eating habits (that I
contributed to) and I feel bad. I have gone out to eat on 3 occasions, and
have done fine, just eat very little. My husband ALSO went through a
mourning period with me, because HE missed going out for food all the time.
And now he is gaining weight and I am losing, which NEVER happened before!
But my family has gotten used to the new ME (not thin by any means, but
working at it!!). I still cook their suppers every night, and sometimes I
have a little of what they have, but most often not. Good luck! Elena K.
— [Deactivated Member]
May 29, 2002
I would say that the end of the love affair with food is a process. One
thing on our side, we get sick when we eat thr wrong foods. But yesterday,
for instance, I was in the grocery, and while putting all the right stuff
in my buggy, in my mind I was still reaching for the Hostess Cherry Pies,
the 10 pack of Reese's Cups, the ice cream, etc. It's a learning process.
When people ask how I'm doing on my diet I explain that this one isn't a
diet, it's a lifestyle change. Hopefully, you can get that point across to
your loved ones and they will support you. Enjoy your journey.
— Annie H.
May 29, 2002
I agree alot w/ the 1st poster. You can not eat alot/wrong stuff any way
after your surgery. It's physically NOT possible unless you want to get
really really sick. and once you do, it's a "never again" deal.
I am 6 months out and have 30 more # to go. I eat everything, but in SMALL
quanities. tonite I even had the new Mc donalds choc. covered ice cream
cone. I ate about 10 licks, and that was it. I have a hubby who likes to
finish my food off. You will be able to eat your favorite foods SOMETIMES
in small quantities. So it's not a loss except for a few weeks. And those
first are the hardest I think. Good Luck.
— Cindee A.
May 29, 2002
In my opinion, any one who takes the time to read this question and ponder
it is much more likely to succeed. First, let's all acknowledge that this
surgery FAILS occasionally. Look at the categories. Are you pre-op,
post-op or scheduling a revision... I had my RNY revision done last week.
When I had vertical banding done four years ago, I didn't even consider
such a question. Now I realize the fact that I didn't set me up for
failure almost immediately. This is an intense, important question, Nikki.
In my opinion, your success depends 70% on whether or not you can find the
resources to help you answer this correctly (may not be just this web
site). This time through, I am doing all the support groups, this web
site, and everything. The mourning period can be hell, it can be hidden in
your weight loss celebrations to bite another day, it can leave you with
more questions than there are answers. Trust me -- this question deserves
more attention than it will get in this web site. Good Luck, God Bless.
Karen
— Karen F.
May 29, 2002
Everyone has an answer for you, don't they? We all want to help! And here's
my input--I am 4 weeks post-op and feel the EXACT same way. Food WAS my
lover, my friend, my confidant, and my soul-mate. Since surgery, I am
having TERRIBLE head hunger and cravings. The dietitian said I am grieving
and I really believe this. I MISS food, I am SAD because I've lost food (or
can't plan around food as before), I am MAD because "someone"
took my food away, and I'm even in DENIAL because can this FOOD I love
really be gone? Believe me, this has been so difficult for me and that is
why I come to this site EVERY day for support. Your husband will quickly
learn that he can't make everything better with food--mine did. YES IT'S A
DIFFICULT STAGE--I won't lie but I have to believe the thousands of
survivors on this site when they tell me, "This, too, shall
pass". Remember, we CAN have our favorite foods again - but in
moderation. Keep your chin up and come here to read. I guarantee it will
help you. Best of luck!
— KristyKatt
May 29, 2002
Second thought -- I had asked my surgeon this before my VGB 4 years ago,
and his answer was that even if I wanted to eat, I wouldn't be able to eat
much. This is true for the first year or so. If this issue is not
addressed and/or resolved, you will find that a package of Oreos has the
same amount of calories whether you eat it in front of Will and Grace, or
over the course of a day. Even at 4 months, you have some ability to
overeat. At two years, missing your old friend, there are lots of new and
creative opportunities for getting together. Don't think that "not
being able to" is a long-term answer. From my own failure, I can tell
you it isn't.
— Karen F.
June 3, 2002
the loss of "our best friend" is very hard early on,,it is
like a death in the family,,i used food to lift me up, i used food to give
me company when i was lonely, i used food to try to fill a void in my
life,, i had an r.n.y. open on 11-2-01, it was have it or die young,,425#'s
health problems growing,, i had no choice,, a the first month out the fast
food ads drove me crazy, something in me wanted all of that, and when you
can't have it, you want it more,, then the weight began falling off, then
as the months passed i could eat a little of this, a little of that, soon i
was happy eating a cup or two of something good, i didn't need to eat 5
cheese burgers, a half of one filled me up,, as the kinds of food you can
eat grows, your desperation lessens, i don't have to deprive myself, like
on regular diets,, knowing you'll one day begin to eat and not stop,, you
can only eat a little but you are full, i have had to deal with the reasons
why i tried to hide in food, and it has been wonderful, i have a whole new
relationship with my wife, and food has been pushed from #1 to way down the
line,, as it should be.. i used to live to eat, i'd wake up and my first
thought was, "what can i eat today"?.. so sad..today i eat to
live and have lost 170#'s in 7 months.. and all i used to love is coming
back to me,, but i eat a little and i'm satisfied, before i would gorge and
still be empty inside..once you can break out of the "catch 22"
of over eating,,a whole new life awaits. after this w.l.s., i sat back and
watched others eat and eat and eat,, i was amazed at how much we eat as a
people,,after 30 years of constant yo yo'ing, i at last have a tool to
maintain my weight for the rest of my life, today i lose stress by talking
an evening walk,,instead i eating myself to death, which i nearly did,
245#'s and dropping feels so much better than where i began,,it took as
long to get my head in tune as it did my new stomach,,but like many say
here they operated on our stomachs not our heads,,
— bruce M.
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