At least I know what's wrong with me...

Hi folks.  I am struggling today.  It started like it often does about a week ago when I wanted to be normal, damnit.  The monkey chatter was particularly seductive, and I was presenting at a conference and nervous and let my guard down.  Some not-so-good choices at dinner the night before led to hubris (false pride - "I can handle this!") and not planning.  I ate a large wheaty carbohydrate item aka a "biscuit," compulsive, nervously, unplanned, over an hour and a half.  This is the first wheaty carbohydrate item I've had since surgery.  The best thing I can say is that I did not eat and drink at the same time.

My weight immediately spikes when I eat carbs - I think I read our livers replenish their glycogen stores, mostly water - and I was very unhappy the next day.  It's down again, but was sobering to see.

But here's what's *really* unpleasant.  This white-knuckling ungodly detox.  The cravings.  The way my mind scans the horizon for the next good thing to eat.  The way the monkey tells me I could go to the Vitamin Shoppe and get a Quest bar or 12.  The way I *dreamed* about the only recreational sugar thing I've had a slip with in 8 years (curse you, Easter candy!!).  Instead of being appalled that I was eating it, in my dream I decided that it must be okay because I'd had surgery.

ARGH!!!

Avoid dwelling on any real or imagined pleasure once derived from compulsive overeating.

This has been unusually hard for me the past couple of weeks, and unusually so since my unplanned and compulsive collision with the wheaty carbohydrate thing on Friday.  I had these feelings intensely today after lunch, even though I was quite satisfied with half a McDonald's grilled chicken salad.  I made it back to the office, without Quest bars or Easter candy, with half my chicken salad in the car.  I had a cup of Almond Milk with SF Torani Vanilla Cinnamon syrup as my treat and I feel a little more settled.  For now.

I am posting this because I have not lost my hunger, I have not lost my cravings, I have not lost that monkey on my back that tries to tell me it's okay to eat things that I cannot control.  I have a really hard time when I take a liitle holiday into compulsive eating.  But at least I know what's wrong with me... 

 Its really taken me this long to truly understand that I will never be cured or free from my compulsive eating and the really strong emotions that go with it. 

What I am trying to do is make peace with the fact that I am making strong life style changes so that when I slip up, it's not going to de rail me, and it will be easier to get back on track. 

There's no easy way out of those thoughts that plague us - maybe take a walk, do something to free your mind. Ive found that blogging has helped me process and deal with some of the compulsive and destructive thoughts that I have to deal with. I have a private blog just for me and a lot of times just do some free writing. It helps a lot. 

Thanks, Alison!  Yes, the only way out is *through*.  Grumble. 

I do feel like the surgery "has my back" so to speak.  I would have been sorely tempted pre-surgery to go to the Chinese buffet on my way to careening off the precipice.  At least *that* didn't feel like an option!

Dang monkey....  If I could, I'd shoot mine!

Usually I'm okay with the monkey.  I think of him like a bullet stuck too close to a nerve to remove.   But when he acts up, all hell can break loose!

Happy and Alison - Thanks again for the reality check. A couple of weekends ago I had a head hunger encounter of the worst kind. In the past I would have derailed my progress - probably for good and started the slippery slope back to obesity. Now I know that this is normal, and will happen periodically. The difference is that I don't have to eat and can get beyond it. Your many words of wisdom continue to help me so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart - couldn't do this without you!!

Pat,

Ditto that!!  We're all in this boat together, baby!  Another one of those sayings I really like is this:

Accept that we may repeatedly have the craving to eat compulsively. Experience shows us that such feelings will pass.

Some people add "if we do not act on them."

This helps me feel like I'm not a failure for having food thoughts and cravings. 

First, hugs to you.  So many of us understand every word you wrote here.  I hope that just the process of writing it down helped somewhat.  I know that it helps me to put it "out there"  rather than keeping it inside.  Some of the things that help me get through these times are increased hydration, and I mean, really increased, as in I don't go anywhere without some liquid in my hand, and increased protein.  I usually stop focusing too much on calories and focus almost exclusively on the quality of protein I am eating.  I do not limit snacking when I am decarbing, I only limit what I am snacking on.  Once the the monster is back in the cave, I go back to normal eating. 

It really is annoying to come to accept that this is a life long struggle.  I am sorry you are in the middle of it now, but I know you will win this skirmish.

Thank you, Elina!  I had the rest of the chicken from my salad as my afternoon meal.  I am not hungry (not with chicken - that's for sure), so that helps.  I love your action-based advise.  I will drin****il I float home.  (((Hugs))) to you, too!!

*squeeze*

****** monkey.