Marriage Problems - really need advice

I'm 2 yrs post-op (-120.) Prior to my loss, my DH (of 10 years) and I had what I thought was a close, loving, respectful relationship. He was understanding when I had no sex drive pre-op due to weight, and supportive when I decided to have WLS. In fact, when I started to lose weight, he pushed himself away from the table in solidarity and lost 95lbs just by changing his eating habits. Over the past year however, as I've lost the weight I've found myself becoming more and more distant from him. Last year, for a period of time I even started to let the attention I've gotten from other men go to my head. (I am ashamed of myself for it, but I've since gotten a grip.) Don't get me wrong, he ISN'T perfect, but he isn't the jealous type, and is very patient, tolerant, and loving. And I truly do love him. BUT... losing this weight has made me feel more and more exposed and vulnerable. I don't even know myself anymore, and as a result can no longer relate to my DH. We get along fine, there's no fighting or arguing, but it's just that we seem more like roommates now than husband and wife. I've gone back to emotional eating because it's the ONE thing that I KNOW. It's been the only thing consistent in my life. But now I've gained 20lbs and the shame spiral started all over again and now I push him away and close up even more. I feel so lost. I can't explain it, but I do. It's gotten to the point where I'm considering a separation. I've tried therapy, but most therapists have just tried to talk me into staying in the marriage if only for our son's sake, which only serves to make me feel more guilty and alone. I wanted to ask you guys for your thoughts and feedback. I'd appreciate any help you could give. Please pray for me. Thanks.

Not being married, I can't even begin to advise you on your situation, but I wanted you to know I am praying for you. Hugs, Susan

First of all...don't feel ashamed for being so confused about how you are feeling. For many people, losing a lot of weight gives them a view of themselves that they've never had. And for a grown adult, its like the rug is gone from beneath them. Everything they knew about themselves has changed because...they've changed. Only those who've been obease know what its like to be limited physically and mentally because of the world around them and their health. Second...be honest with your husband. Clearly, he's understanding enough to listen to what you've got to say. You've basically got to find out who you are again and who knows, he might be willing to help you do that or he might not. But you owe it too him to be honest about everything. Thrid...your son. First of all...he isn't going to be ruined because the two of you seperate. Its not as if the marriage was hostile and you and your husband cannot stand to be near each other. You son will know that both his parents love him and respect each other regardless if you stay together or not. Now...to help you find yourself...may I suggest taking a class or two at the local college. Explore the world, try new things. Maybe go on a road trip. Start keeping a journal. Don't be scared of who you're going to be. If you were wonderful and loving and kind before the weight loss, regardless of the new discoveries you'll make about yourself...you'll still be that person deep down inside.

Sweetie, I do feel for you. I have been divorced for 6 years, and my weight was always a factor in how I felt in our marriage. He would only say hurtful things in anger, but otherwise, he said my weight did not bother him. Since I've lost weight since WLS, I've gotten a lot of attention from men and like you, It got to me. Being single, it wasn't a problem, but even some of my close male friends tell me I'm like a butterfly that just came out of the cacoon, and I've flown away. All that being said, there are no winners with divorce. Do what you can to find out who you are, for your own sake. I too feel like a stranger in this body. Divorce was the most painful, horrible thing I've ever been through and I'd only wi**** on satan himself. I am continually reminded of my mistakes every time I see my children hurt over not having their father around. I will pray for you... my heart goes out to you, truly.

Dear Noelle, You are in my prayers and I know where you are coming from. I know I actually stayed in an 18 year relationship because of my weight. It was safe and he never mentioned my obesity. As I lost the weight he began to say things that hurt and I realized he had been verbally obusive with many things but it was someone in my life and I tolerated it through emotional eating. You have to go with your own heart and life and I think all of us who have been so emotionally and physically damaged feel guilty when we want to follow our heart and happiness. May God guide us both in the right direction and get our emotions intact where we do not spiral backwards to that bondage of obesity. God bless and let me know how you are doing. Hugs and blessings Janice 353/142

Hi Noelle B. Please don't feel alone, I am with you. I've been married for 25 years and it feels like my husband & I have been roommates at least for the last 10 years. Where did all the emotions and lust & romance go? We were seperated 3 years, and trust me, the grass was no greener on the other side. Sure the men look at you after you have lost weight and probabley have come on to you, but after a few lays in the sack, you realize there is no real comentment and you feel very alone and empty. Family is everything, don't give up until you are 100% sure about your feelings. The reason I had WLS in the first place is because I was depressed and food was my best friend. Let God be your friend for a while and see what happens. In the meantime, you can e-mail me at www.daicummin@aol.com. My prayers are with you. Good Luck! Daisy C.

Hey Noelle. Congrats on your loss! I'm a 2year post-op, as well. The following is from one former Obese person to another...I'm NO COUNSELOR , I'm just trying to work out this thing too! One thing I've learned on this journey is that: "When I had this surgery, I got my guts cut and rearranged - but I did NOT get a 'lobotomy' ". (Thanks Dawn C.- this phrase has stuck w/me) I had established some very negative patterns of thinking about myself -- they were well-ingrained. Those thoughts (I affectionately refer to as: "stinkin' thinkin' ") are in the process of being re-trained - or re-PROGRAMMED, so to speak. I don't know about you, but I worked very hard to stay OBESE for 25+ years! I was GOOD at it! I would imagine you have some "stinkin' thinkin' " that you're struggling to overcome as well! I dare say that your issue is not truly w/ your marriage. Well, at least your most PRESSING issue. You actually said that yourself: "losing this weight has made me feel more and more exposed and vulnerable" and "I don't even know myself anymore". Let's address #1: VULNERABLE I am 47 - I lived within a MOAT of INVISIBILITY for over 25+ years! How odd that an almost 300 pound person could "HIDE" - but I did. Hiding meant: 1. No "fielding" off "come-ons" , flirts, etc. (This started as a young teen) 2. I could hide in a crowd 3. That very fact also hurt me causing me to turn to food. 4. Which meant I would gain weight 5. Which meant that I felt shame, guilt and would eat more 6. and gain more and 7. cycle again... and again... and again... I think that those of us who are emotional eaters are some of the most sensitive people on the face of the planet, we have the very "thumbprint" of God on our souls! We feel deeply. We hurt deeply. We love deeply. We are passionate. We are opinionated, even if we're not taken seriously. Which kills our souls. We try hard. We fail hard. We often beat ourselves up far worse than anyone else ever could. We are often immature in knowing how to deal with confrontation - or opposing views - often feeling like we,ourselves are being attacked. And also - our WARPED view of ourselves clouds what should be RATIONAL thinking... I have friends that know me well - that see pix of me 2years ago and say: "I don't EVER remember you that big!" "I had no idea!" These are folks I sing with, worship with, hang with WEEKLY! All along I felt like my big ol self was a COW that they must have been disgusted with. (Like I was) Noelle- your "moat" is gone. We have the awesome opportunity to learn how to Deal with - not run from - LIFE! You can do it! #2: Don't know yourself: Well, girlie girl, just the fact that you realize these 2 points, means you're a heck of alot farther than many people! That's awesome! You are in the process of discovering WHO you are! AND you're in the process of discovering who you AREN'T!!!! 1. We are not a body weight. 2. We are not what size we wear or don't wear. 3. We are not friends to that which we eat and then poop. Food is a tool, given by God to fuel our machines! 4. Our value is not about how big our boobs are or aren't. 5. Our value is not about how tight or loose our skin is. 6. Our hope is not in how much weight we will lose or gain. 7. Who we are is not about our "earth suit"! From your "cry" what I know is this: You, Noelle, are courageous. You're strong. You're determined. You make brave choices and life-changing decisons. You care about others. You are open to feed- back - which means you are choosing to be VULNERABLE - on purpose!!!! Anyone who chooses this radical surgery to permanently change their body is one of the most courageous people on the planet!!!! Now, re: your husband. How can you really love - fully, passionately love someone else that you're "one" with, when you don't love yourself? He and you are "one". It may be easier if he treated badly - more like you think of yourself -if he were a scum-bag - that would be different. But you said yourself he's a good guy. Could it be that when you love yourself, accept yourself -at this stage in your life -warts and all, that your heart would see things differently? If not, after you work on a "healthy you" - then make your decision. Noelle, you are worth working on YOU! Emotional health is next, sweetie. Your body is already well in process. Keep working on you, discovering what talents and gifts you were given that makes YOU unique! What were you planted here to do? Work to find out what brings you joy. Lasting joy. I apologize for the LONG POST, but your heart-cry moved me. I'll be praying that you begin to see yourself for who you REALLY are! That you discover just how wonderful you really are! That you'll become all that you were created to be - first as a woman - then as a loved one... Be blessed!

I doubt anyone could add anything that could make your response any better! APPLAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well said! It's advise and wisdom that many could learn from. Thank you!

Definitely talk to someone -- a counselor, a pastor, whoever you're comfortable with. They can help you sort through your feelings about yourself and about your husband. That kind of confusion is so hard on a person mentally and emotionally because it dominates everything. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Noelle, You sound very unhappy in your present situation. Try one more counselor who can help you take a good look at what you are truly feeling on the inside. You need someone who can help you figure out if it is your marriage or another issue (such as chronic depression etc.). Is your husband aware of how you are feeling? I know that some of us (myself included) can go through many feelings and have entire conversations with ourselves, inside, without ever expressing anything to the people closest to us. During the rocky periods in my marraige, I had to take an honest look at my relationship and myself and ask the question....What would life be like without him? Will I be better off with..or without...my spouse. David and I have been married for 21 years and have weathered many storms.....if I can be helpful to you....feel free to email me privately.