Trouble with support system
Hi there everybody. I had my RNY in 2007 and have had problems from the start. Without boring everyone with the horrible details short version I almost died. I spent 7 1/2 weeks on a respirator and in an induced coma. I made it through and it has been a tough road. My husband and kids were wonderful and we thought the worse was over. But unfortunately 4 years later I'm still sick. I've been in the hospital 4 times since July 31st for aspiration pneumonia cause I vomit in my sleep. My children are numb with the fact that I'm always sick. It's just become the new "norm". However my husband is a different story. Everytime I get sick its like he's mad at me. When I tell him things hurt or he hears me vomiting he unintentionally makes me feel bad. He will roll his eyes at me, or sigh or just do different body language letting me know he's mad. Last week he told me he was mad 24 hours a day 7 days a week and I'm no longer the woman he married. My first surgeon stole me from him by botching my RNY. Has anyone else experience this lack of support and feel like you are alone? Does anyone feel guilty that they put their family through all this pain? How do you cope? I already see a therapist but trying to get my husband to go is like pulling teeth and on the occasion that he may go he sits there like a lump on a log and says nothing. Any help would greatly appreciated. Thanks guys!!
WOW hon, I'm so sorry to hear about the tough time you all are facing. My heart breaks for all of you. It can't be easy to be in your shoes, or your husbands. I'm sure you have done this, even though you're not feeling well try to see it from his side. could it be that he isn't mad at you but with the situation? It's too bad he won't go and be a willing participant in your counseling because it would really help both of you see things from the other side. It's hard to be in either of your shoes. From your side, you feel like crap all the time and being sick just sucks the life out of you. From his side, he probably is mad that he can't fix it and he just wants his lovely wife back. Remember, men are fixers. And when they can't do that, they don't know what to do. You keep going to counseling, don't stop because you need that for you. And on the days when you do feel good, or decent at least, give him some special attention. A foot rub, a back rub, a kiss on the cheek. You know something sweet, special and just for him. God Bless.
I am sorry your going through so much. I am new to this site as of yesterday but it is nice to get a chance to talk with others who experience alot of the same struggles before and after surgery. I would be happy to talk anytime you would like to. Nice to meet you and I will pray things get better for you in the near future. Denise
Thank you Denise and its nice to meet you. Sometimes I wonder if its just me and what am I doing wrong. I had posted on the problem message board a couple of weeks ago and I guess no one had any suggestions so I thought I would try this board because it seems busier. I hope we can talk soon. Danielle
Well all I can say is - you need a hug and so does the rest of your family.
I am very new to this forum and so I don't pretend to have all the answers but I do know that you should not blame yourselves for the situation you are in. It is so easy to fall back into old behaviours of self blame because we feel we are less than because of our weight and how society treats us. You did not to deserve this and hopefully you can put some energy into a solution on what you can do from here to make things better in your life.
If your husband is not able to deal with the aftermath of your surgery at this time ( he is probably feeling guilty as well that he can't help you) then rely on the support of friends like this forum. Maybe you can get another surgical opinion on what you can do from here. 5 years is a long time to be waiting to feel better. I would assume if you are not feeling better without other intervention by now that you need to seek other medical advice. Maybe come up to see us here in Canada!
As readers have pointed out - keep going to your counselliing - you deserve it. Try to find moments as suggested above to show your husband you love him, an unexpected text, or email to tell him you love him, a night out together etc. Hopefully he will come around.
Take care and good luck with finding help with your concerns.
Michele
How many doctors have you been to? Have you gotten a 2nd, 3rd, 4th opinion??? I'd be searching all over the country to try to rectify my situation if I were you. Are you doing everything you are supposed to do to stay as healthy as you can? Maybe your husband does not feel like you are doing that.
Laura in Texas
53 years old; 5'7" tall; HW: 339 (BMI=53); GW: 140 CW: 170 (BMI=27)
RNY: 09-17-08 Dr. Garth Davis
brachioplasty: 12-18-09 Dr. Wainwright; lbl/bl: 06-28-11 Dr. LoMonaco
"May your choices reflect your hopes and not your fears."
OMG!!! Have I seen doctors. I've seen almost every type if doctor you could think of from specialists from my home state of NJ to the specialists out in the Mayo Clinic to the specialists in the University of Pennsylvania. After being really sick after the first surgeon performed the first surgery it was decided by the new surgeon at U Penn to reverse the RNY or I probably would have starved to death. When he went in to reverse it he couldn't because the pouch that is made during the RNY had collapsed and was full of scar tissue therefore he had to preform a gastrectomy and now my esophagus is connected to the second part of the intestines. About 6 weeks ago a group of 14 specialists went over my case to see how we can fix this problem and the only solutions were either to see off my esophagus and give me a permanent feeding tube or see off my vocal chords and give me a permanent trach. Neither one sounds fun. Therefore we are just taking lots of precautions like not eating 4 hours before bed, sleeping elevated stuff like that. But if you or any body else knows of a doctor who has any other ideas I'm open for suggestions. My husband is mentally exhausted I'm sure and I understand that this is not what he signed up to do but he's just always angry and as McManus told me in another post he is just mad at the situation and I know he's very angry at the first surgeon. I've always stuck to my diet and my vitamin regimen. But sometimes I wonder if he blames me just a little cause he never wanted me to have the surgery in the first place. But thanks for the support!
Thank you and everyone else for their prayers and support. I am so glad I found this site. It's nice to be able to talk free and open without judgment or worrying that I am going to cause more anxiety or frustration with my family. I guess they need a break too. But I can't do it alone. So I thank all if you and I will keep you all in my prayers too. Even if you are doing great extra prayers are always helpful😀
Batwingsman · 4 replies · 1352 views