i think i binged and the guilt is destroying me
i'm 2 months and a few weeks out and so far i have been doing beautifully. i have been following the rules and behaving. well, we had a bbq at my house today and i thought i had dealt with it fine until my mother told me i was going to start gaining if i "ate like that" again. usually i vomit if i eat too much so it surprised me, but tell me if you think this is really awful. i'm freaking out. i even cried over it.
from 5pm-8pm i ate:
4 halves of deviled egg (made with light mayo and spicy mustard)
4 spreadable port wine cheese on ritz crackers
90% of a swiss cheese burger with no bun
2 small pieces of grilled shrimp no butter
i said no to cake the two times it was offered to me today (i don't think i dump with sugar so this was my choice) and i only ate a few pistachio nuts and a plain romaine salad with craisins and walnuts in it for lunch.
the thing is i have been eating SO little, i think i shocked my mom and myself. i still don't know whats right vs whats wrong. help :(
from 5pm-8pm i ate:
4 halves of deviled egg (made with light mayo and spicy mustard)
4 spreadable port wine cheese on ritz crackers
90% of a swiss cheese burger with no bun
2 small pieces of grilled shrimp no butter
i said no to cake the two times it was offered to me today (i don't think i dump with sugar so this was my choice) and i only ate a few pistachio nuts and a plain romaine salad with craisins and walnuts in it for lunch.
the thing is i have been eating SO little, i think i shocked my mom and myself. i still don't know whats right vs whats wrong. help :(
highest weight: 387 starting weight: 375 current weight: 223 goal weight: 175
(deactivated member)
on 5/29/11 12:30 pm
on 5/29/11 12:30 pm
Just start fresh tomorrow, and you did eat lots of protien so it wasn't all bad. I am 3 1/2 months out and some days I eat more than others. Don't feel to guilty, it sounds as though you were eating mindlessly so tomorrow be mindful. Also did you drink when you were eating, that may have contributed to the increased amount.
It really doesn't look that bad. I have done worst than that and felt really bad. Just get back on track. I think lots of people have made mistakes or made poor eating choices.
You can do it and don't worry what others say. Come to this site often for support. It really helps.
Julie
You can do it and don't worry what others say. Come to this site often for support. It really helps.
Julie
HW 304, SW 291, GW 160, CW 140 H-5'9.5"
Sounds more like grazing than binging to me.
Those are not particularly bad foods to eat. They are almost all very protein forward. The eggs and the cheese and ritz crackers... can all be slider foods, so it might be easy to eat too much if not paying attention.
Do you feel bad because your mother criticized what you ate? Because she said you might fail? Or because you think you ate the wrong thing?
Those are not particularly bad foods to eat. They are almost all very protein forward. The eggs and the cheese and ritz crackers... can all be slider foods, so it might be easy to eat too much if not paying attention.
Do you feel bad because your mother criticized what you ate? Because she said you might fail? Or because you think you ate the wrong thing?
i feel bad because its so much more than i'm used to eating recently and calories scare me. i'm terrified of this process not working for me. i probably wouldn't have noticed if she hadn't mentioned it but i guess it made me realize i CAN eat similar to like i used to (even if its not even a portion of what i used to eat and everything was prepared sensibly). it just scared me. i don't want to mess this up.
highest weight: 387 starting weight: 375 current weight: 223 goal weight: 175
One of the biggest challenges that most of us face is learning how to get off of the emotional rollercoaster of deprivation. self-loathing, overindulgence, and self-punishment. There is an emotional component to how we got to the point of needing surgery, just like there is likely a genetic component, and a body chemistry component etc.etc. Learning how to calm your head down in all aspects of food (your desire for it, your response to it, your response to making good or bad choices, your relationship to yourself after you've had a setback with it) is a critical, and often neglected part of the process. It's intangible, and it's easier to focus on things like how many calories or grams of protein that we have.
I'd suggest without any implied judgement at all, that the way you have described this event "I think I binged and the guilt is destroying me" implies that you are carrying an emotional response that out of proportion with the actual act of eating you committed. That isn't something more to beat yourself up about, but it is a learning opportunity. Finding ways of gracefully and calmy dealing with a setback or failure - of understanding the true impact of what has happened and recovering with self compassion and renewal rather than spiralling guilt and shame - those are some of the hardest skills that you will have to learn to be successful on this journey.
So this is all to say. Let it go. Journal it... try to capture what emotions you were feeling when - when you were eating, at the party, when your mom said what she said, afterwards, if this reminded you of other things, describe how you felt about yourself. You don't need to do this for anyone but you. Then once it's out, take a step back and look at the foods that were available to you. Look at the food you chose, Look at the actual impact of calories and food stats. Take note of what you did well, and pat yourself on the back. Take note of what you could do better, and resolve to do it.
Learn from it, and most importantly, choose not to spiral in the emotion of it, but to accept it, and yourself and recover. The more you invest and engage in the negative emotional response to a setback, the more power you give the situation, the more power you take away from yourself, and the more likely you are to end up back in the same crisis again. Finding the process and discipline to install peace into your emotional relationship with food is as or more important that finding the process and discipline of choosing the right foods/calories etc.
Cheers,
~Mo
I'd suggest without any implied judgement at all, that the way you have described this event "I think I binged and the guilt is destroying me" implies that you are carrying an emotional response that out of proportion with the actual act of eating you committed. That isn't something more to beat yourself up about, but it is a learning opportunity. Finding ways of gracefully and calmy dealing with a setback or failure - of understanding the true impact of what has happened and recovering with self compassion and renewal rather than spiralling guilt and shame - those are some of the hardest skills that you will have to learn to be successful on this journey.
So this is all to say. Let it go. Journal it... try to capture what emotions you were feeling when - when you were eating, at the party, when your mom said what she said, afterwards, if this reminded you of other things, describe how you felt about yourself. You don't need to do this for anyone but you. Then once it's out, take a step back and look at the foods that were available to you. Look at the food you chose, Look at the actual impact of calories and food stats. Take note of what you did well, and pat yourself on the back. Take note of what you could do better, and resolve to do it.
Learn from it, and most importantly, choose not to spiral in the emotion of it, but to accept it, and yourself and recover. The more you invest and engage in the negative emotional response to a setback, the more power you give the situation, the more power you take away from yourself, and the more likely you are to end up back in the same crisis again. Finding the process and discipline to install peace into your emotional relationship with food is as or more important that finding the process and discipline of choosing the right foods/calories etc.
Cheers,
~Mo
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