OT - Depressed and feeling worthless.

Here's a question for you guys:

Is it cheating if your spouse/significant other talks/texts inappropriate things to someone but has never physically cheated?

It feels like cheating. It feels like betrayal. It feels like ****!

This is not the first time my husband has done this to me in the time we have been together. This is actually like the 3rd or 4th time. I don't understand it.

I give him everything and get THIS in return??? WTF? It makes me feel so freakin worthless. I do everything for him and it's still not enough. He's still looking for more. What is wrong with me? I love my husband. God I love him and I don't want my marriage to end but I don't know what to do anymore... We have a family together and I have invested almost 5 years into this relationship. How do you just give up on that?

Sorry for the rant and unloading here but I don't really have anyone else to talk to. I want to talk to him about it, but don't want him to be all pissed that I went snooping through his phone yet again.

WHOA DOGGY!! I went through this with my EX hubby. Only he wasn't just doign the txting thing or saying stuff that was not apporiate he was actually stepping out on me.

I would sit Mister. Man down and ask him WHY he is doing what he is doing. If he gets mad about you being a snoop, reming him you wouldn't have to snoop iof he would give you a reason to trust him. Yes I know I am going to get slammed for saying that but it is the truth. If he can not give you a valid reason then get in contact with a counselor.

If he refuses to see a counselor then he may be looking for a way out (i hate saying it that way). Some men just do not like the relationship aspect. They want their cake and eat it to. There are also WOMEN like this. Putting that there so the guys don't go off on me.

Bottom line is, you have to be honest with yourself and under no terms should you settle for him doing things like that. It is NOT harmless nor is it OKAY.

This is just my opinion, take it for what it is worth.  And yes, I've walked in your shoes.  I now have new, designer shoes.

The first and most important thing needed in a relationship is trust.  You cannot trust this person because a)  you sense that he's cheating again, and you are RIGHT (and yes, I consider this behavior cheating) and b) he has done nothing to EARN your trust by REPEATING the same disrespectful behavior.

No trust=no relationship.  Sounds simple, but I know it isn't.  I had 2 small kids and 13 years invested when I had to say enough was enough.  Best thing I ever did.  After that, I learned I wasn't the problem, HE WAS.  I learned to love myself first, and in turn, found the soul mate God intended for me.  We've been together for 14 years now, married for 6. 

I hope everything works out well for you and remember it isn't YOU.

Kim

first of all ,,why would you think something has to be wrong with you,,? it sounds like he has the problem not you,,and second of all ,,why were you snooping in his phone in the first place,,i have never looked thru my husbands stuff,,,i give less then a crap about what my husband does oustide my home,(i cannot control that anyway),it's not that i don't love him,,it's just that there are boundries i don't want him crossing with me so i give him that same respect,,i like life just the way it is and want to continue to live it that way,,is your husband giving you what you need to make you happy and is he taking care of his responsabilities at home,,?if not thats what you should be questioning?

OK, it is wrong for him to text, but let me ask you this....do you love yourself? Do you take care of yourself? Do you have the same spark and energy you had when you were first married? If you do not love yourself, it's going to be hard for your husband to love you. You say you give him everything. You need to give yourself as much time and energy on getting healthy as you give to him. Take care of YOU!!

Personally, I think you need to try counseling, both couples counseling and individual counseling.

Laura

I also think that his behavior is unfaithful/cheating/and a betrayal. 

You deserve better treatment than this, and you should definitely address this issue with your husband.  If you have called him on it in the past and he continues to do this, there is a small chance he will want to change. 

You need to demand better, accept nothing less.  Counseling or hit the road, whatever makes sense to you.  Show yourself and your family that you deserve to be cherished and respected.

You are not the problem, HE IS!  My husband did the same thing, sort of.  Without going into the story of my life you need to remeber that you deserve the best and he is not giving that to you by cheating.  And yes, he is emotionally cheating on you. 

I will pray that you do what you think is best and that it works out but please do not let him make you feel that you did anything wrong.  He is the one with the problem, your only problem right now is deciding to allow him to regain your trust over time or to end it.

Maybe you gave him too much?  Some men like to be challenge.. Like to chase...
Since you gave him everything...  maybe it is time you stop giving him everything.. only then you can find out if he is with you for the right reasons..
 
Some people like to flirt... I do... but I know that my current BF would not tolerate that... and that my action may hurt him.. and I most likely I would lose his trust and then his love... So I know I would not do that. The relationship I have now - I value a lot.  I would not do anything to risk it.
Maybe your DH is so sure of you that he does what he feels like.. with no consideration for you and your feelings.. maybe it is time to change that and make a stand..  but that may carry a risk...  If you are going to give him ultimatum - make sure you are ready to follow with it... or it may happen over and over...  
Take care of yourself...  That is the best thing you can do...

 Yes, it's cheating. It IS betrayal. It sounds like there is a basic lack of trust in your relationship. I have never looked at my husband's phone to see his text messages or anything else for that matter. If you felt that you had to look at his phone, there is already a problem. 

Sit down and talk to him and let him know how you feel. Tell him to want to go to counseling and get an objective 3rd party opinion as to how you should proceed.

In the meantime, don't just assume there's something wrong with YOU. There is something wrong with the relationship and you need to find out what it is, focus on it, and solve it.

Best wishes and God Bless You, sweetie!

Hugs, 

Walks like a Duck - quacks like a Duck - I'm sure it is not a swan honey.
No part - nothing, not even a smidge is your fault.