OT(kinda) Don't know if I should marry him/Counselor visit sucked

So my fiance and I have been fighting alot lately. We truely have alot of stressors!

We have 2 children, he lost his job not too long ago (thank god he is working again), our baby girl was sick for 2 weeks, then I got sick and ended up in the Hospital, a few days later my mom has been very ill, then his mother - who lives with us- fell and hurt herself.

So needless to say , alot of yelling has ensued and unlike a year ago - I yell back. I used to stay quiet and hold everything in. He can be very ignorant and his favorite insult is to call ppl stupid when he is mad.

Well, lately I have been giving it back. So yesterday, he walks over to me and shows me a picture from when I was 280lbs and proceeds to tell me that he misses that girl.

WTF!?!?!?!?!? is that supposed to mean. I am still that girl but no longer willing to take yelling and insults without giving it back.

Sometimes I think that I might not be in love with him but I can not bear the thought of being without him. I dont know what to think. I went to see that counselor and I was not happy. She is too young for my liking - I want someone with more experience. So I am back at the drawing bored seeking a counselor.

Thanks for letting me vent

Well, here's my unadulterated opinion.

I think he does miss the fat girl. The fat girl didn't argue back. She didn't stick up for herself. She went with the flow. That girl probably was easier to deal with than you are now. 

Having said that, why do you want to be with a person who wants you to take mental abuse like that? And yes, calling someone stupid is mental abuse.

You said you think you might not be in love with him but you can't stand the thought of being without him. Why? Is it because you have two kids? Because you don't want to be alone? Because you don't think you'll find anybody else?

I find that when I am trying to hold onto a situation that is supposed to end, I am inadvertently blocking a better situation from coming in (I'd call it blocking my blessings. Your mileage may vary.)

I'm in no way saying that you should absolutely dump the guy but I certainly would not even be approaching marriage at this point. Not at ALL. You need mutual respect for marriage. You should be sure you love him for marriage. For all the yipping and yapping of what marriage is or isn't, it is a PROMISE to stay together. If you aren't sure you can honor that promise, don't go there.

I think you two should find counselors of your own and go to couple's counseling. It's likely he has some issues to deal with that have nothing to do with you. And then you two could work on your issues as a couple together. After doing that for a while then I'd revisit the marriage thing. 

I really like you.

Honestly and I mean this in the kindest way but if you have to ask the question you know the answer.  Life with someone who insults you never gets good, it just gets worse and worse and worse until you can't take it anymore.

Good Luck!

Continue to go to counseling and try to understand how to de-tach yourself in a healthy way from this guy.  It is easier to stay with the known than to face the unknown, hence so many people staying in crippling relationships.  Best of luck,  Jane

He ain't seen nothin yet.  Your focus and attention is more on your kids and you now.....

which is better?
to be single and wish you were married
or
be married and wished you were single

From someone who has been married three times I will tell you this... whatever the bad stuff is before marriage is only going to get worse after marriage. I would not get married to him unless you can honestly say that you KNOW you want to marry him.

I had too many doubts and red flags with my first marriage, but I didn't want to be alone and I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone else. But I married him anyway and it was a nightmare.

Second marriage... well, he went through midlife crisis and had an affair with a family friend. And that, was the end of that... even though he begged and pleaded it was NOT happening. I still love him - and think I always will... but like Nik said - sometimes holding onto something that is supposed to end can block better things from coming along.

My (current...LOL) hubby and I have been married 14 years and have been together for 16. He is my rock, the love of my life, treats me like a princess and is the most supportive person I know. Is it perfect? Oh heck no - but at the end of the day he is ALWAYS in my corner and has my back - he never talks down to me, demeans me or yells at me (well, OK once when I took his credit card and forgot to tell him, and he went to fill up his car and had no money, no gas and no credit card...LOL)

I wish you the best sorting it all out. Sending hugs.

Perhaps  this is a dumb question but how do you KNOW you want tio marry someone? Is it an intellectual decision or an emotional one? I've been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and I still don't know if I want to marry him. Some days I love being with him and others he annoys me and I want to be alone. Maybe it's because I raised my daughter to the age of 17 all by myself and Im used to being independent but really I don't know if I will ever know if I want to marry him or any man for that matter. So how does one know?

I think the "how" differs from person to person.  I think it is a combination of both the emotional and the intellectual.  Don't think for a second that my husband doesn't annoy me...  LOL.. even before we were married there were some things that he did that were annoying - but they are things I could live with.  Maybe that is the key... knowing what you can live with, what you can tolerate and what is unacceptable.

I have three rules that, if broken, will result in the end of my marriage:

1.) Do not  abuse me physically or emotionally, EVER
2.) Do not cheat on me.
3.) No substance abuse.

Everthing else can be worked through and worked out... we've had some bumps in the road but at the end of the day I know he is the one that I want to be with and be there for.  I love him dearly.