venting about fear of gain and disbelief of loss. Please join in!

OK-this may be long becuz I have no one else who might understand how I'm feeling...I have lost 69 pounds since sept.26th and that has brought me from a size 24W jean to a 16, so far...When I look in the mirror I still see the 250 pound me so when my clothes sizes change I almost feel overwhelmed. At first I'm high fiving my daughter, but then-when it sinks in a little and I start pulling out the bigger clothes to list on ebay-I feel the panic begin to rear it's head. I think part of it has been the fact that the weight loss is so rapid, in the beginning, and you're trying to deal with the liquid diet and healing and whatever other problems have creeped up---by the time things heal and you can eat regular food again, your body has changed and your mind hasn't caught up with it...I feel like I'm babbling but I just don't know how to explain it. I'm so glad I've lost weight and I feel much better But when I get to a smaller size I'm kinda in shock, I guess. It's like I almost can't believe it . Then, when I start preparing to get rid of the bigger clothes I start thinking, 'maybe I shouldn't get rid of these so quick-what if I gain the weight back again? what if I really can't wear this smaller size? Am I just kidding myself?'  SO I start to think 'maybe I shouldn't eat dinner-I might not lose anymore. Maybe I'll fast all day tomorrow becuz I don't want anything to ruin this for me, this time. Maybe I need to just eat once a day-I just need to make sure I keep losing.' Then comes me arguing with myself---'Why am I doing this to myself, I have lost weight every week so I am fine! I have got to stop worrying like I do. Why do I do this? If I stop losing weight, all of a sudden, I can worry about it then-and change something!' I KNOW I will adjust to all of this and I'm not crazy---It just seems to be happening so fast it makes my head spin. Almost like it's 'too good to be true' so I may wake up, any second, and still be 250 pounds!  What a cruel joke that would be!  SO fellow WLSers---have you felt like this? do you feel like this? I'd LOVE to hear from some of you about how you've felt and dealt with this stuff....I GUESS I just want some verification that I'm not alone in the crazy thoughts(I know I'm not but I just wanna hear it!) thanks!

You are not alone. I think this crazy type of thinking is the same thinking that helped us gain so much weight. I think obesity is a disease of extreme thinking. I could eat people under the table and I could also undereat anyone I know and drop 20 to 30 pounds pretty easily. I couldn't sustain it though and would go back to a binge cycle. Undereating to me is the same, but the filp side of the coin. I think it's good you're so aware of your thinking. It will help you NOT sabotage yourself.

My dad taught me a saying years ago that I strive to live by:
Don't borrow trouble from the future.

Hey I'm almost two years out and I STILL haven't wrapped my mind around this whole process. I'm about your weight now (although I did start out a little higher) and frankly, I don't know where I stand weight-wise. Many times I'm afraid to eat "regular" food because I fear that I will gain everything back. I know I won't and ONE meal can't really hurt me, but there you are. It didn't help that I just came out of a TWO MONTH stall. I thought I was all done losing and all I could look forward to was regain.
Our minds do weird things to us. I guess the best way to handle this is to keep the faith and focus on whatever we have accomplished so far. My weight loss has been slow compared to others here so I should have had enough time to adjust, but my life is so monotonous due to my disabilities that I really haven't experienced the change. 
As you can see, you are not the only one over-thinking this thing. Keep on doing what you are doing and take heart. Things DO work out in the end.

Amalia

You have done really well so far!  Have faith that you will continue to suceed.

While I think these thoughts are somewhat normal for WLS patients, they can be very sabotaging and lead to an unhealthy cycle.  Restrict, binge, restrict, binge.  And it's also self-defeating thoughts: I'm a failure or I will be a failure.  I highly reccomend you seek counseling or therapy to help deal with the head side of things.  In my opinion, it's half the battle and it must be fought or we could easily end up back at our starting weight again.

Remember that we want to be healthy and skipping meals or fasting isn't really a part of that.  Good luck!!  ANd keep us posted.

Elina has done a great series of posts on this -- on starting to trust the new you.  What your'e feeling isn't uncommon. 

I just went through my first stall. It started at 10.5 months post-op and lasted 4 1/2 weeks.  During that stall, we were away from home for 10 of the last 21 days due to my husband's grandfather illness and passing. There was a lot of drama as my husband's family are never ones to skimp on the drama. I was also in the middle of year-end close and audit prep. I worked remotely through-out, litterally answering email on my phone during the funeral procession. As a result, I was stressed out as much as I have been in recent memory. 

While out of town, I didn't weigh myself for a week or so, and I ate more than I would have at home -- pushing up to 1200 calories or so a day.  Out of habit, I stuck with protein first, and I still journaled my food.

I tend internalize my stress, and it manifests itself in self-doubt. In this case, about regain.  I was sure I would gain 5lbs while we were gone, and said so to my husband. Not being one to have much of a filter between brain and mouth, he said, "If you gained 5lbs eating what you have over the last few days, why the ___  did I spend $18,000 on your surgery?" It snapped me back to reality as his blunt manner tends to when I'm having an irrational moment.  He was right -- there's no physiological way I could have gained weight. It was just a manifestation of my more generalized anxiety.

I think we all have felt that way at one time or another.  I caught myself the other day saying, "as a big girl I have to watch what type of shoes I get"  the sales person replied "big girl?  your just right".   While thats not true, I still have a way to go, I am no longer a really big girl.  My head has not accepted that yet.  I am very rigid to my program.  Fear is what keeps me on track, but I refuse to save anything from the past, as it might subconsciously keep me from the future.  Keep your eyes and mind open to the future, and leave your fears behind.

You don't eat... you don't lose.   That is a fact.  I think most if not all of us have the same feelings that you are having.   Our sleeves are tools and we need to treat them that way.   I personally have decided to continue to see a therapist through my journey.  I kept thinking we would run out of things to talk about but 6 months later something else keeps creeping up and I really realized that my bad eating habits are related to so many things in my life that are not going away so I'd better learn a way to deal with them.   Get rid of the big clotghes.... you are doing ths and can continue to do so.   Think about that little girl of yours.  I have an 8 year old who does a hug test that keeps me motivated.   As of a few weeks ago she coulld touch her fingertips when she hugs me.   "Our" next goal is for her fingers to interlock. 

And NO YOU ARE NOT CRAZY ! 

 thanks for all the posts...
where can i find the series of posts elina did?  
also---my daughter, son and hubby hug me and tell me how much i've changed...LOL-that must be a universal thing! 
as far as counseling goes, i might go back, at some point-but i have spent YEARS in counseling and i KNOW what made me eat, before, and still makes me wanna eat, now-but i cant do much about it becuz i'm married to it! i have one of those 'holes' in my soul where some of us are inclined to shove things-be it alcohol, drugs or FOOD...i picked food...since i know alcohol is so high in calories maybe i should go with drugs now...I AM KIDDING!!! i have a warped sense of humor so PLEASE dont send me a lot of notes saying not to do drugs---I"M JOKING! I have an addictive personality---my current addiction/obsession has become getting rid of anything in my house that i dont absolutely love or use all the time! previously-my addiction/obsession was Mickey Mouse. I still like him but i have calmed down about buying everything i could find with him on it! I know I have to harness my addictive personality and fill that void with God, or something more positive than what I would normally choose...BUT currently I can't eat too much becuz my doctor gave me a 32F and I have good resrtiction---if i take a couple bites after i'm full-it HURTS, and i'm glad! plus my tastes have changed, a lot-i dont like chocolate, anymore---coffee tastes weird and fried foods tend to make me sick, becuz of how greasey they are...i am hoping that doesnt change!  
anyway-thanks for the replies---i enjoy reading what y'all have to say. it's nice to be able to vent to people who will understand! 

SO I start to think 'maybe I shouldn't eat dinner-I might not lose anymore. Maybe I'll fast all day tomorrow because I don't want anything to ruin this for me, this time. Maybe I need to just eat once a day-I just need to make sure I keep losing.'

DO NOT DO THIS.  Seriously, you eat your meals and your protein.  Remember the order of priorities:  First priority is overall health, second priority is to lose weight.  If you skip meals and fast, you are not working to stay healthy.  You gotta get your protein and food in, even when you have a stall.  I know, stalls friggin suck, but you still must eat to stay healthy.

Therapy could  be helpful, especially considering that you're worrying about things before they happen - they might never happen.  And if, like you say you have an addictive/obsessive personality, you may easily find yourself focusing on minutiae or focusing on low-probability outcomes.  Therapy is cool because after a while, you can instill a certain peace and reassurance in your life.  Cold, calm confidence.

I'd just send a PM to Elina7, I bet she'd welcome to share her older posts and her journey story with you.  She's a wonderful resource.  She's put a lot of thought into this mentality.