Judgement, why do I care?

Not many people know that I had the realize band back in September 2008. Family and some close friends. Most of them probably weren't ultra supportive when I did that, but they were accepting of it. I don't remember it bothering me very much then though.

Fast forward 4 years, issues with band complications, and now I am revising the VSG next week. Again, family and a few close friends know about it. I am not getting negative comments from them, but more of a dumbfounded, lack of any response type of response...like they look at me as if I am crazy. I can't worry about what people think, I just can't, but it is hard not to. I guess I just want them to understand me better, understand the battle with my weight, that I've had forever, and understand that I need to make some permanent lifestyle changes to have a better life for me and my family. My husband, my parents, my sister...they all are supportive in backing my decision, but they wish I wasn't making this choice. I am sure lots of it is out of concern of risk of surgery type thing, but still, I can't help but be a bit "down" about it. I wish they were more supportive and cheering me on, than to be so blah. I think I just feel like they are all judging me and I really need them to be my biggest supporters. Maybe with time??

I am not positive if I will keep my VSG a complete secret forever, I might end up telling people, but I want to reserve that decision for later. I guess I will need to get thicker skin if I decide to share it.

What do you do? Do you have this scenario? How do you find those people in your life to help keep you positive and focused? OH, support groups...? That is my plan for now anyways.

Thanks for reading,

Amy

Sometimes other's responses are somewhat related to our own attitudes. I have no idea what if anything you've said about your weight, your struggles, or what you've expressed about your surgery to your family. But just from reading here - you are chosing to keep your VSG somewhat of a "secret" - and perhaps your family is interpreting that in some way - maybe that you are ashamed, or maybe that you don't want this to be a big deal.

You need to be your own cheerleader first. No one will be able to read your mind and guess what you need or want right now. Be direct with them - its very important to build a strong support network right now and you can't do that by remaining passive about it. I know it's incredibly hard to put yourself out there and be open about what you need, but it's necessary. Ive found an incredible amount of support along the way but I have chosen to be an open book about my journey, my struggles, and while sometimes it's uncomfortable, by doing so, I allow people the opportunity to support me -

Just some thoughts. Not sure if I'm way off but i wish you the best with the next step!

Thank you.

I think you are right on so many levels. I am positive this surgery is the right thing, but I am apprehensive too until I get through the surgery and first few weeks and that is probably what people are receiving from me, therefore they are unsure of how to respond. It is crazy for me to think I need to be so secretive about my surgeries, because obviously I have not kept my weight issue a secret. I think is some ways I am ashamed, because the band didn't work for me....my original band surgeon made me feel like it was my fault and I failed, but my new sleeve surgeon (who has lots more experience with all sorts of WLS) says differently. He said there is a mechanical failure with my band and it wasn't anything I did. Which makes me feel better, but I guess there is that voice still telling me I might fail at this too. I guess I almost feel like when I tell anyone about my revision, I feel like I have to tell them the whole story so they don't judge me and think well, I failed at that too. It really shouldn't matter though, it shouldn't. I just have to get over it. I really think I will become more open about everything at some point...I'm just not ready yet.

I am working at getting better at voicing what I need, but I need to continue to work on that too. My husband and I had a really good conversation last weekend about lifestyle changes, exercising, being a more active family, and what I need from him in support. I think he just won't be "ready" to really be a cheerleader until I make it through surgery. I think he has some fears about the surgery itself.

I was seeing a therapist earlier this summer and then haven't been back b/c of work stuff and so many other Dr appts for the revision, but I def plan to pick that back up too, which I think will help.

I think you were totally on with your reply, thank you.

Amy

Hey Amy, I was the same way. I only told immediate family and only those friends or co-workers who had WLS themselves. My reason was I just didn't want to hear any negativity. I made my decision, I was sticking to my guns and I didn't want anyone to convince me any different.
I decided later to just tell who I felt like telling and now, I pretty much will tell someone I had WLS if they ask or if I have more than 1 minute to talk to them. It's your decision, your body, your life. We have to do what we have to do to improve our health and quality of life. I'm sure once those other people see you successful, they will back off and if they don't ... we just have to look out for ourselves.
Best of luck to you gurl. We can do this!!!

I think I will end up the same way....secretive now, but later will be more open. 

Thank you!

I agree with Jenn & Alison, and adding- no one but you will really understand how it is to live and walk in your shoes.. That's why OH and other WLS support sites have been invaluable for me. Unless you have lived with MO, and made the decision to have surgery to try to get out from under it- they can only at best have the slightest glimmer of understanding, even if you try to include them in the process.. it is outside their range of experience, so it will not impact them the same way.

Find support where you can, pick a few and confide in them what you may need from them and see if they are willing and able to provide this for you.. but understand they may never truly "get it."

Oh, I so know how you feel.  I thought I had a very supportive family.  I was not going to share beyond my mom at first, but when I worked out that I was going to go to Mexico, despite my vast amount of research and choosing one of the top doctors who has done thousands of these procedures, they freaked out.  Then, when I made clear I would make my own decisions, they go on me about the money and how I could not afford it.

Right now, other than my husband and his mom (who knew my mother in law would be more supportive than my mother), I am not discussing it with anyone.  I am going to haunt the boards here, write in a journal, and I found a support group locally and a therapist that I will go to on a regular basis, to maintain my focus.

When it comes right down to it, you and I are not doing any of this for them, we are doing it for ourselves.  This is our journey, and no one not in our own skin is going to understand that.  They will be happy seeing the results, but how I get there, the work that needs to be done, the challenges I will need to face and the mental and emotional changes... that will be my personal battle, and they do not have to know about it. 

I am a complete open book. Will even tell strangers, for instance when buying smaller clothes at garage sales that do not fit yet, I just tell them they will since I am losing weight. If they ask what I am doing, I tell them I had WLS. I own it. It was my decision and it is my life. There will always be people who do not agree. I think part of it is I do not second guess my decision. I have no doubts that this is what I needed to do to get my life back on track. To those that are negative about it. I just tell them I have had a blessed journey. If they go on about complications, I just explain that I already have heart issues, disease issues, asthma and other complications, so I was willing to risk the surgery to hope for a better life. If they say I took the easy way out. I just say it hasn't been easy, but it has been easier than diets I tried in the past. I explain it is teaching me how to eat and fuel my body and take care of it and make life time changes.

I have only had to cut off communication with a couple people because of their negative attitude. Mainly they have been friends who are overweight and feel hopeless at their heavier weight. I think they just did not want to wish me well. :O(

I do not promote this surgery and say it is for everyone. I think you do have to make your efforts with other plans and counseling before you make this huge decision, because it is not always a perfect journey for some.

I have always been a leader, not a follower, so that could be why I do not care so much about what others think in regards to my decision. Being completely open about it has totally freed me in some ways as well. I feel like I no longer have to hide. Meaning, I am who I am. That is that. Losing weight has helped me do that too, but I think being open about my decision has also made me feel free. Free from being judged about my weight in any form.

Best wishes for your journey!