Anxiety and uncertainty

I haven't been this weight/size since my mid twenties.  I feel good where I am - sort of - but,  it is hard to tell.  I am also confused about losing much more.  The problem?  I sure don't like what my arms and butt are looking like naked at this point, and am worried about losing more because - I think? - they will only look worse.  There, I said it.  My initial goal was 180lbs...mostly because that is what I weighed in University, and I felt "fairly" comfortable in my own skin.  I am currently a size14, and I started this journey at about a 24/26 on top, 20/22 on bottom.  This surgery has been amazing, and I have re-entered therapy - not so much because I think I am losing it, but I am having difficulty figuring out if it does make sense to stay about where I'm at, or if it is fear/anxiety about getting smaller....also body image junk.  I can handle the chunky tummy -I had two children by c-sections, so, really, the tummy will never be flat - never was.  It's the arms and butt...and, yes, I've lost a good deal of my "girls"....from a G to a DD...

All of my vascilating is affecting my food choices (of course), and I guess no one can answer these questions/concerns, but just wondered if others out there went through anything similar as they got closer and closer to their initial ideas of "goal weight".  I never desired to be "skinny" - just to feel normal, and not feel trapped in a self-imposed prison, to avoid health issues, to feel more like the real "me".  The vanity and focus of trying to "look" a certain way, or the potential of doing this or becoming perfectionistic about my body, bothers me, and I don't want to become that way either. 

Argg....tis getting messy in my mind these days....is this normal???  (again, yes, I am seeing a therapist but she does not specialize in eating/body image, but knows me well and is quite good)

Thanks for any of your feedback and experiences,

Kerry

Kerry - I understand where you are coming from.  As my weight fluctuates, there are times where I feel and swear I look better heavier.  I have not had surgery yet so my experience is obviously a bit different. I think that is must be some crazy coping mechanism my brain has come up with.  So I just wanted to let you know that I relate.

Maybe it would be good for you to visit with a therapist that does specialize in body image.  You wouldn't see a foot doctor if you were pregnant you know?  :O)

Good luck on your journey.  I hope you start feeling better.

Angie

Thanks!  I know I shouldn't really panic at what my skin/body is looking like YET because it is a huge amount of weight in a short period of time...and I know that the body needs some time to kind of "reorganize" itself a little.  Although, I'm quite sure my arms and butt will never look fabulous but it is a bit frustrating to want to and be able to wear tank tops....but then stop because I don't want my arm flaps to be seen...

The psychologist I go to does not have a particular "specialty"...but she has known me since my divorce 6 yrs ago...so I feel really comfortable with her, and I do know that she has a good handle on my other frailties, which certainly affect or are affected by my weirdo relationship with food...lol

Anyway, it is quite a journey - I appreciate your response!

I think we have all pretty much been programed to hate our bodies for a significant period of time - we are judged, mocked, made to feel bad because of obesity. Even when we get smaller, those messages that weve been told (and tell ourselves) dont go away. I'm learning that I have to actually change the way I think (go figure) if I'm ever going to feel better about myself and my body.  

Once I hit my lowest point of 188, I could have been quite happy there but HATED my body and excess skin after a 200+ lb loss. So I ran away and got a bunch of PS and I just KNEW it was going to solve all my problems and I was going to wake up and love my body and yeah.....didnt quite work out that way. I woke up and still hated my body. OOPPSS. Big expensive lesson (except it was worth it because i couldnt live with the skin). But - it just proved to me that it was all mental. It's taken me the last 7 months to figure that out. 

I have never been "skinny" never been "normal" for my size since age 6 or 7....I am not expecting to reach that elusive place of "normal" at 53.  My goal for myself is healthy....physically and mentally/emotionally.  I am not sure where that is for me yet, but I am gonna get there one day at a time- if it is a size 14 (which right now I cannot even imagine) or a size 10 (WAY out of my scope of imagining) or a size 16....I believe I will know when I get there. 

I see where my double chin is turning into a turkey waddle, I see the batwings flapping in the breeze of my ass and tits flying away, I see the thighs droop and the hips sink....it is all beautiful or disgusting depending on the day... my feelings about my transformation are directly linked to my spiritual health at any given moment- and that is where I try (sometimes without success) to focus a bulk of my energy- on the spirit part of my journey.  I find for me that when I keep my attitude and gratitude in focus, the rest falls in place plan wise.  This really is a journey, full of surprises and fears, highs and lows...and made better by being able to share our fears, victories and defeats...thanks for sharing and making me think about it:)

I thought I was happy with my weight about 15 pounds ago. I was at high end of normal BMI and was receiving praise from all, not to mention lots of comments like "don't lose anymore, you'll look sickly." Deep down inside I knew I had more to achieve and I dug deep to get that last 15 lbs off. So glad I did because it really did make a difference for me in the way I feel physically, the way i look, and in my self confidence. Push for your best. Don't settle.

Thanks everyone....I totally agree with the spiritual part of it...and the impact that others' comments are having on me...

I never actually was mocked or blatantly judged about my weight - that I know of...but, the internal stuff, is, of course, where I guess we all truly struggle.

Today is a new day.

thank you thank you thank you all for sharing this part of your journey too.  This journey is such an emotional rollercoaster and so much more than just about weight loss.  You are doing a fabulous job of identifying and dealing with your mental part of this journey...congratulations!