OT...Way off topic Really Hard Week

I have been MIA lately. My soon to be ex husband became very controlling and then became abusive. First he took the computer when he went to work so that I couldn't get on it. Then Tuesday before work he got angry, grabbed me by my upper arms and threw me into the side of a chair. He is 6'8" and weighs about 300 pounds. He is a big man and I was truly afraid. When he left for work, I called the police. I have huge bruises on my arms. He left hand prints. My knee is still swollen and bruised, too. When the police man got here, he was very condescending. He looked at one arm and said that the bruising wasn't "obvious". Yeah the black and blue hand print could have been caused by anything! All he did was take some information and tell me that I needed to have a witness next time. Wednesday, before my husband left for work he started again. He threw a glass at me. I didn't call the police again because I figured since there were no witnesses, nothing would be done anyway. Later that night, I started getting texts. Hundreds of them from my husband (he works nights). He was getting angrier and angrier then he started making threats. Saying he would take all my furry babies and kill them before he let me have them. Along with threats against me, when he got home. Truly afraid again, I called the police again. Lucky me got the same police officer. He saw the texts where my husband told me that to just wait till he got home and he "would show" me. Another said don't bother hiding. That he would find me. And another where he promised that I wouldn't see him coming. The officer didn't even file a report. Said that nothing had happened and to make sure I had a witness when hubby came home. I had a witness in the room with me when Hubby got home. He started throwing things at me as he gathered his things, He saw me with my phone and told me that I "had better" call the police. I did and guess who I got, again. Yup, same guy. Even though he had to call another officer to assist him because my hubby was so out of control, he still did NOTHING!!! He encouraged my hubby to leave and not tell me where he was going, which made getting a protective order impossible because you have to have an address so the other party can be served and it can't be his work. Even with a witness to the abuse my husband was able to walk away. Though he was escorted off. The 2nd guy wouldn't leave my husband alone with me because he was worried for my safety! Before hubby left, idiot police man told him that since this was still his residence, my hubby could come back anytime and kick the door in, take what he wanted, and if I called the police again that I could go to jail for locking him out!

Later that day I went to the courthouse and found out about the address issue. I was sent to the county police station to talk to the officers supervisor. I explained what happened and the LT. was shocked. He could see obvious bruises and called the photographer to take pictures.He took me down to write statements because only one report had been filed even though there were 3 separate incidents. But here is the kicker. Even though the Lt said there was more than enough evidence to have arrested my husband that morning, because the "investigating officer" didn't arrest him I would now have to pay to have a warrant taken out on him. WHAT?!? Crazy!!!! So, I have no protection order, I have no money (DH took it all), and hubby thinks it's legal to break down my door to take whatever he wants!!! I feel so safe now.  I swear he is going to hurt me. I asked the police officer that was here what it was going to take to arrest my husband. Did he need to actually witness the abuse himself? Maybe I should just ask my husband to wait to throw me around like a ragdoll until the police get there. At least when my hubby comes back to kill me there will be a paper trail and MAYBE the police will arrest him then. I don't know what else to do except leave and my Mom refuses to go. I won't leave her here alone. I am scared of what's going to happen next.

I thought the justice system was here to protect the victim (though I HATE to be called that), but boy, was I wrong. The whole system is set up to protect the abuser. I'm working on trying to find an address where he can be served. We've added a deadbolt. I'm waiting for a lawyer from the local domestic abuse advocacy group to call back. I can't believe this has happened.

Oh my gosh this is awful. I'm urging you to leave your home and get to a woman's shelter pronto. I don't think you're safe in your own home.

Gather important documents, and money / credit cards you can lay your hands on, and get out.  Plenty of women think that they won't be the one to get killed.  A beloved co-worker of mine went one last time to her ex-husband's home to have one last talk.  He had never hit her before, but this time he killed her and then himself.  Don't become a statistic--GET OUT!!!

Your are without resources, but the shelter will help you get a leg up. Go there!

I really appreciate your concern. Do know that I hear what you are saying.However, my mother is disabled and she will not leave with me, and I cannot leave her here alone. Hopefully the new locks will keep us safe until law enforcement gets here if he comes back. I cannot do anything but hope he won't come back. He has no car so It would be inconvenient to get back here. I know there are ways to get here but hopefully his lazy nature will stay intact and he won't go to the effort. He works an hour from here and I believe that he is staying up there close to work somewhere. So again, it would take an effort to get here and I hope that once he calms down he will realize what he's done and stay away.                                 -Julie

I don't know what state you are in but in Oregon we have people at the courthouse to help you file the paperwork for the restraining order and help you if you have no money so there is no cost.  You know where he works so the papers can be served there.
Do  you have any other family?  I agree that you need to get out of that home.  If you have to you will have to force your mother to leave, maybe get someone to help you.  You are at great risk.  Call a women's shelter or a domestic violence hotline.  They saved my bacon when my husband was abusive and got me out of there and in a hotel the first night and then a shelter the next night.
There has to be help out there, don't give up until you find it.  Leaving was the best thing I ever did.  Within a week I was in my own apartment far away from the husband, with furniture and everything.  And I was back with an old boyfriend the next week.  Not planned but he lived near where I had moved and I called him to see if he could help me move some belongings upstairs and he came over and the rest is history.  That was in 1999 and we are still together.

I'm in Ga and the advocacy people at the court house and the magistrate court all said that here, serving papers to his place of business is against the law. It's stupid and unfair, but it's not something I can change. I am in contact with a group that will find shelter for me and my family if I can convince my Mom to leave. It will either be a hotel or transitional housing instead of a shelter so my 20 yr old son will be able to stay with me. I know that my husband leaving is for the best. No one in the family can believe that DH is a threat to us or anyone. so no one, other than those in this house, will help me convince my Mom to leave. He has changed so much in the last 8 weeks that only those really close to us have seen it. I don't know what's happened to him but right now I can't be worried about him. I am in safety/survival mode. Let someone else try to convince him to get some help. It's not my job anymore. I do believe that marriage is forever, but once he put his hands on me in anger, I believe that my commitment to him severed. It's hard. I miss the man I married. But he isn't the man I married anymore. Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice. I appreciate the support!                                  -Julie

What a nightmare.  Please get you and your mom out of there.  It could be too late by the time the police come.

Thanks Price. I keep thinking that I'll wake up from this nightmare and everything will be back to normal! I have tried and tried and tried some more, but I can't convince her to go. She is stubborn. I was thinking that maybe by me staying here I'm putting her in more danger than if I was gone, but if he comes back looking for me, she would not be safe here alone. I could never live with myself if she was hurt by him because I wasn't here. So, I can't leave. I agree with you, though. I know that by the time the police got here the damage would be done.

Oh Julie... been there done that.  He was not supportive of you having surgery in the first place and it has really pi$$ed him off that you not only did it, but you are successfully making new friends and becoming a more beautiful, thinner woman every single day.  Severe anxiety over losing control over you has triggered his insecurities and brought about the jealous, possessive rages that are meant to hurt you physically, mentally and emotionally.  Except that my x was not 6'8" I would have said you married the same man I did.  There are many of them out there.

I was relieved to hear that finally pictures were taken of your bruising.  That is something that convinced a District Attorney to charge my x with domestic violence and he would not drop the case no matter how many times the x sweet talked me into thinking he was sorry and had changed and asked me to call the DA.  Thank God he did not drop the case because of my own stupid woman heart thinking he could possibly really have changed.  Those photos may be what saves you... in the long run.

Short term?  The only way I was able to stop the texting, gunning the car engine outside the door, the never ending phone calls that would start up the moment I put the phone back on the hook... was to play dead... like a mouse... Only when the cat thinks the mouse is dead will it go looking for another mouse.  I totally became a recluse, did not answer his calls, or letters or talk to anybody about him so that it would get back to him and stir the pot...  It took time but eventually it worked and he found another woman to terrorize and she ended up calling me for reality checks. 

I don't care how you do it, whose help you enlist, but get you, momma, furry kids and son out of there and do not go back.  There are times we have to forsake every physical belonging in order to save our lives and what is left of our sanity.  Believe it or not, most times, we don't end up losing our belongings at all... but we have to be willing to in order to get the FRICK out!   Be in touch with authorities & pro bono attorneys and file charges based on the photos on file.   File for divorce.  They can do it "by publication" if you don't know where he lives.  Which means they put a blurb about it in a publication that is only read by attorneys and he'll never know what hit him until after the judge grants you a divorce and a permanent injunction. 

But, most importantly, lay low... do not respond in any way because you will only make it worse.  Try your best to be invisible and have nobody in your circle be able to tell him where you are.  Be smart girlfriend...  your life depends on this.  So sorry you are going through it, and please please please keep your health up as very best you can.  Remember to get enough rest and remember to cry enough tears that you can deal with the issues before you without the emotion that can sabotage us women.

Big hugs and please keep me/us posted.

Ruthie, thank you so much for your concern and advice. I appreciate you sharing your story, too. I'm waiting for a return call on Tuesday from a lawyer that works with the domestic violence advocacy group. I will be sure to mention going to the DA with the evidence. I'm still irritated that even the officer's supervisor said there was enough evidence to have arrested my hubs, yet no one will arrest him now. I think it's a case of CYA. Maybe the DA won't be so concerned about saving the police officer's a$$. I have already stopped responding to calls and texts. My hubby has a short attention span because I haven't gotten anything from him since last night.Hopefully he will just stay away. I tried to talk Mom into leaving yet again today, but no luck. She wants me to go, but she doesn't realize that if he wants to know where I am and she won't tell him, He could hurt her. But she still won't leave. I told her if she stays, I stay. On Tuesday I'll get the TPO. We found a loophole for the address, but it is just a piece of paper. Who knows if it will keep him away or **** him off. I'm still trying to figure stuff out.

Hey Julie... I'm glad you're not responding.  I understand about your mom's stubborness and will pray that laying low will be enough for the situation to calm down.  The one way that a restraining/protection order against him will be helpful is if you hear him outside and you have to dial 911.  You make sure you tell them that first thing, "My name is Julie Spencer at such and such address.  I have a restraining order against my husband and he is outside of my house causing trouble.  Please send a unit immediately!"  

Not only have I had to make that call myself but I also worked as a police dispatcher.  If she asks for further information ask if she would please get them on their way and then you'd be happy to stay on the phone and answer any questions she has.  She may want to know how many people are in the house and what he's driving and what he looks like, etc...   As long as she's on the phone with you, she can be in immediate contact with the squad if there is any change in the situation, so it's not a bad thing to stay on the line.

You're heading in the right direction with the lawyer and domestic violence advocacy group... keep your wits about you and your head low.  Continue to discuss with your Mom that, just in case, it might be smart to pack an overnight bag and go stay in a hotel for a couple of days.  Maybe that compromise would be acceptable to her.  In all honesty though, it is not her he's angry with and I doubt he would hurt her.  She would honestly need to NOT know exactly where you've gone though.  Still, I do understand your need to keep her safe.  Hang in there girl.

I'm sorry you aren't here with me because in Arizona we are trained to shoot straight and our weapons are always ready to lock and load.