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My husband laughs at fat jokes -- even shares them on Facebook

feistyemm
on 3/7/16 10:17 am - Westchester, NY

I lost 185 lbs 11 years ago. I married my husband 3-1/2 years ago. He knows my story, but it's like it goes in one ear and out the other! I have expressed to him over and over and over that this is an important issue for me no matter what I weigh now. I am MILITANT about it. But no matter how much I say it, and I NEVER let it pass, he does not digest this information. He thinks it's silly, saying "I used to weigh 360 and fat jokes never bothered me - what's the big deal? You have to admit that was funny!"

I want to make clear that he is a wonderful 66 year old man who loves me to death (I'm 61). He would step in front of a truck to save my life. He calls to say "I love you" all day long. He would want to kill someone who said something mean to me. He just doesn't understand this at all! Having been teased and laughed at for 50 years before losing 185 lbs 11 years ago, I can't imagine "forgetting about it and letting it go." I can't imagine not being an activist. I'm a HS guidance counselor and my eyes and ears are always open for all bullying, but I watch for this a bit more than others.

Forgive my bluntness, but if you're going to just say "Oh, get over it!," don't waste a response. I'm cranky today. 

Marla a/k/a Feistyemm
Surgery Date: 4/21/2005; HW: 329/ SW: 271/ CW:150/ GOAL: 150 or UNDER
Highest BMI: 54.7; BMI Now: 24.1 -- Jeans before surgery: 32. Now: 6-8
PS: LBL, Bracheoplasty & Thigh Lift: 2006/7, UBackLift & Breast Implants: 2012/8
 

Steph - Reality Meats
Hag

on 3/8/16 4:45 pm - Dallas , TX
VSG on 03/14/16 with

Man that's a hard one.  Sounds like one of those crazy things that someone no matter the amount you talk about it will get it.  I think it might just be he's never known you as fat.  To him it might seem weird to be upset about something that's not even like you at all.  Not that this makes his behavior right.  It's not funny to make fun of people for reasons like color or sexual orientation either.  He he does make fun of those groups too this may not change for him.  He sounds like a great guy otherwise and if he's not saying the jokes to others or directing them at large people then maybe you can shelf this as an annoying habit about him like snoring, or leaving his socks on the floor.  It's painful I'm sure but if he just won't get it after some serious talks about it then maybe letting it go for your own sanity is for the best.

Age:40|Height: 5'9"|Lap Band 2/11/08 |Revision VSG 3/14/16

The cake is a lie, but Starbucks is not.

https://fivedaymeattest.com

feistyemm
on 3/10/16 6:33 am - Westchester, NY

Thank you for taking the time to reply. No, he doesn't tease people, nor does he act racist to people. But he finds basically all jokes funny and will perpetuate them. I'm totally the opposite and my work is a lot about changing these kinds of attitudes and behaviors -- so it's really frustrating all around. As for letting it go -- as I said before -- at 61 years old, after being humiliated until I was 50 years old, and even writing my graduate thesis on this, being an activist on this issue -- OMG -- it's so infuriating. He would go to marriage counseling, but I don't think he would get it even after THAT. And it's not that he is meaning to be mean. It just does not compute -- it's like I'm explaining alternate side of the street parking to a cranberry!

I see you are having a procedure very soon. I wish you the best of luck!

Marla a/k/a Feistyemm
Surgery Date: 4/21/2005; HW: 329/ SW: 271/ CW:150/ GOAL: 150 or UNDER
Highest BMI: 54.7; BMI Now: 24.1 -- Jeans before surgery: 32. Now: 6-8
PS: LBL, Bracheoplasty & Thigh Lift: 2006/7, UBackLift & Breast Implants: 2012/8
 

Steph - Reality Meats
Hag

on 3/10/16 6:48 am - Dallas , TX
VSG on 03/14/16 with

Oh and thanks for the good luck, I'm ready I'm really done with all this waiting around business LOL. 

Age:40|Height: 5'9"|Lap Band 2/11/08 |Revision VSG 3/14/16

The cake is a lie, but Starbucks is not.

https://fivedaymeattest.com

Steph - Reality Meats
Hag

on 3/10/16 6:47 am - Dallas , TX
VSG on 03/14/16 with

Have you tired to walk him through some of your old photos and tell him about what you were doing and maybe some of the challenges of being overweight at each stage in your life.  Maybe if he sat with you and listened to you tell the story picture by picture he could at least imagine you at that time.  

I hope you didn't think I have asking you to get over it, you have a couple choices.  Keep at this which is obviously hitting a brick wall which is why I was like maybe you could just accept it as a fault.  That seems possibly less stressful.  It doesn't seem like from what you said that it's at a point where you've leave him over it but sometimes a pebble in a shoes can make a big ol mess so nipping this in the bud now if you can't manage to accept this as a fault is the better thing for the long run. 

Age:40|Height: 5'9"|Lap Band 2/11/08 |Revision VSG 3/14/16

The cake is a lie, but Starbucks is not.

https://fivedaymeattest.com

feistyemm
on 3/10/16 8:40 am - Westchester, NY

Unfortunately I have shown him my before pictures. "Whoaaaaaaa" was not exactly the reaction I was going for. He's been clear that if he met me then, he would not have been interested. After all, the pictures he posts on Facebook pretty much look like I used to look. However, he has said that now that he knows me and loves me, he would love me at any weight. Luckily, I have no intention of finding out if that is true. No, I'm not leaving him over it...

Be well!

Marla a/k/a Feistyemm
Surgery Date: 4/21/2005; HW: 329/ SW: 271/ CW:150/ GOAL: 150 or UNDER
Highest BMI: 54.7; BMI Now: 24.1 -- Jeans before surgery: 32. Now: 6-8
PS: LBL, Bracheoplasty & Thigh Lift: 2006/7, UBackLift & Breast Implants: 2012/8
 

H.a.l.a. B.
on 3/23/16 6:04 pm
RNY on 05/14/08 with

Yea.. it is not funny... There is a difference between being funny and making fun of someone... I don't like the later...

why do you think that is?  he is showing lack of compassion for people.  that would concern me...

why does he think it is oK do do that? what about people with mental illness? how about disabled people? 

I think I would try to find out why he feels it is OK? if he was heavy at one time - he probably made jokes about himself- it is known deflection method - "if i laugh - tell jokes about myself - they will leave me alone..."I know I've done it in the past... to pretend it does not bother me that much...

If he is great guy - is he great to you , or to other people also - i.e. servers, random strangers...etc?  

I would try to find out why he does think "fat jokes" are Ok - funny...   

Hala RNY 5/14/2008    

"Failure is not falling down, It is not getting up once you fell...  So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again...." 

"I can eat anything I want to  - as long as I am willing to deal with the consequences"