Wrapping up Options

Feb 17, 2011

I have my last Options class tonight, and I have mixed feelings. But I'm also really stressed about everything, almost literally and figuratively.

I went for my pre-op medical clearance, and was told my EKG was "abnormal" but b/c it was just a nurse, was not given any further info other than a quick peek at the report which said "prolonged QT syndrome". So, I had to do another EKG, then a nuclear stress test, and a heart scan. Still, the people in nuclear medicine couldn't offer any explanations. It was not a pleasant experience for me, my blood pressure, pulse and respiration were all over the place, and I left with no information. I called the nurse and asked what the deal is, she said she'll get my results and call me later (ie weeks probably). I've been, and am, relatively healthy - blood pressure is normal, low cholesterol, no diabetes, good labs, etc. So, I really really hate this feeling of not knowing what the hell "abnormal" means and whether this may or may not affect my medical clearance for surgery. It could be nothing, but that's not what it feels like when I'm being stuck with needles, injected with crap, and put in a machine. Once again, Kaiser sucks at this.

On top of all this, faced with the realization that the classes are over, and I'll be hanging out until some magic surgery date appears, I feel like i'm losing control. I havent worked out this week, I've been eating out, eating more than I should. Granted, it's been one fucked up week with the rest of life I'm dealing with, but that's no excuse. I just....can't do this to myself. I've been stuck feeling like this heart thing could mean I never get surgery (yes I always go to the extremes with everything). It's hard to feel motivated.

However, I will go to my last class, my final weigh in, and go from there. I wish that I had gotten more from the class. I wish the class had not been dominated by a bunch of loud mouthed, unmotivated "skinny girls" (ie the same ones who can't believe the'fatsos" and are creating a skinny girl club after surgery). It was impossible for me to sit through a class without wanting to just get up and leave. Last week, I was told I was the only one to even get close to 10% (38/40 lbs lost) and there were less than a handful of people who lost ANY weight during the class. That was sad, and depressing, but I guess that's why I didn't get much. The lady was a pushover, barely covered any material, and let us out early every week. However, I did my part, I lost 38 lbs since November, and 58 lbs since July, so I know I am doing well for myself, and it's not about them. I wish I was ending this feeling motivated though (but my motivation is a little bi-polar, sometimes with hourly changes :-p)
 
I'm joining WW this week, not necessarily for the program, but the weekly accountability that is kind of crucial for me. THANK HEAVENS my scale at home is broken bc otherwise i'd be driving myself crazy.  I'm hoping to keep going. I've still got some goals. When I lose 10 more lbs, I get some new clothes and I'm going to Vegas :). I've got 5 weeks to do it, so it's very realistic.
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