Ready, set, go...

Jun 08, 2011

I cant believe I'm less than 48 hours away from doing this...I've been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of worrying, and a little bit of eating :) 


I'm really nervous (but no longer scared), and a little bit excited. I guess I have a hard time imgaining losing any more weight, I cannot myself at a weight/size I've never been. I'm not very imaginative I guess - but I don't tknow what it's like, so I'm stuck with the feeling like I'm never going to get there.

That being said, I am going into this feeling good about myself, and I know that it can only get better. I woke up this morning and said "damn, i look skinny". I am very happy with my 80 lbs that I've lost pre-op (and couple sizes down), and I'm now getting to  the place where I have some self confidence, and some self respect. I feel like I have accomplished a lot, and for me, this is a miracle in and of itself. I have never been the person to really celebrate and feel proud, but today, I do. And I think this is a big break through for me, because to keep going along this long and hard journey, I need to appreciate my progress.

I've learned a lot, and I need to keep reminding myself of that. I am not the same 420lb disaster that I was at this time last year. I am not a slave to my emotions, and I am not a slave to food. I control my future, I control my life, no one else. Only I am responsible for what I do.  I am strong, I am powerful, and ultimately, I am in control. That was not me one year ago. I am infinitely thankful to Kaiser for making me wait this out (even though I still kind of hate them). I do not believe I would experience the same success if not for the time Ive had to learn, and make changes, and lose weight pre-op.

So, as I go forward, I know that the first couple weeks are going to be tough, and I am mentally prepared for that. I don't like pain and discomfort, but I'll live. I am prepared to keep fighting the same demons that i've been struggling with over the last year, but only now, I know my strengths and weaknesses, so the fight will be easier, and I know how to cope. I am prepared to accept the fact that I may always be an emotional eater, and I've learned a lot of skills to deal with that .

The one thing I can say for sure - I really can't wait to wear my cute clothes I have, and I will not be a slave to the scale. I do not own a scale, and I do not want one for at least 3 months. This is about my health, and my life :)

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