Not sure how much more I can take

Feb 07, 2012

Of my job. It's killing me this week. I love my work, but my office is killing me. I haven't been this stressed in YEARS. I have no grip on reality, and I'm completely out of control. I feel like I could be on the brink of a psychiatric melt down. I have no back up plan right now for how to deal with it.

Except eat. So I ate 2 english muffins last night with some cheese. It was pretty much my first true binge since surgery.  I felt like crap and was full and kept eating. That's a binge.

I'm playing tug-of-war with how to proceed - I'm so full of guilty, sadness, and regret. I want to give up, I want to go out and eat all the food I've missed since surgery and stuff myself - but I'm not. I threw out the damn english muffins and anything else that was easy to grab and eat. I packed a healthy lunch bag with all protein, and then just sat in my car and cried. That's all I can do at this point. I mean I can't ruin my life over 300 calories worth of bread - but the psychological impact of eating was worse than the physical.

I have a vacation coming up that I scheduled because I knew I couldn't keep working these kinds of hours without having a complete breakdown, but that vacation isnt coming fast enough. I thought I wanted to lose 10 lbs before I go on vacation, and now I just want to make it through the day.

I'm officially tired of counting calories, measuring my food and all of that. Fortunately, it's the only thing I know how to do at this point (and thank god my food was already measured and counted for the week) and I only have 1/2 cup tupperware so I won't be going overboard any time soon, but I'm tired.

I think the part that makes it worse for me is that I feel like so many people are looking up to me, and I feel like a fake - I feel like i'm a horrible example and I just want to hide.

I'm going to just stop and say a prayer that I can some how manage to go home early today to save my sanity.

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