35 and refusing to die

Jul 26, 2012

Hello all my friends!

Welcome to my blog. This is the jumbled thoughts, ideas, fears and frustrations I have experienced or have yet to encounter in my weight loss journey. Hopefully I can answer some questions another traveler may have or in the very least maintain my sanity.

On to the introductions! 

By the numbers: I am 5' 9" and 275 pounds, that puts my BMI at 40% which is considered morbidly obese.I wear a 3x top, 24 pants. My bra is a 46 C. Size 11 shoe..wide..lol.  I am 34...less then a month away from 35.  I may have possible lived half of my life or less...due to my weight..and that terrifies me. 

The personal stuff: I am happily married with 2 beautiful kids. I work as a nurse in a local hospital in the ICU. As far as I know I do not have diabetes, hypertension or high cholesterol. I do however get winded moving from the chair to the bathroom, can't see my toes, have difficulty 'cleaning' myself, develop nasty rashes under my breast and upper thighs, can't bend over without bending my knees, and worst thing for me...I can't ride at the carnival with my kids.  I have noticed lately that I feel like something is sitting on my chest ..not a pain...I just can't breathe as easily as I could earlier this year. 

My breaking point: It wasn't the frustration of having to buy clothes in a bigger size, yet again. It wasn't the embarrassment of exiting a ride because I didn't fit. It wasn't even the stares from friends at the beach or my own family.  It was the realization I was eating myself to death. 

Working in the ICU, or any nursing field, you see a lot of preventable illness. I have had patients as young as 27 who weighed over 500 pounds die. I have also taken care of 50 year old marathon running  fathers that have sudden heart attacks and pass. The ones that scare me, rock me to my core are the 50 to 60ish women that can't breathe from the weight, with hearts that can't pump because of the disease and kidneys that have shut down. All the kids crying at the bedside  as mom slowly lets go. I don't want to be them and I sure as hell don't want my kids to be those kids. If I am going to die I want it to be 'out of my hands' not something I did to myself....or my family.


Dieting can work...I have lost weight. But I experience this thing I call the 'pit'. I get this never ending hunger...I completely loose that 'full' feeling and eat eat eat. As of lately My habits have been completely destroyed by the pit.

Here comes the confession: My diet sucks..no mystery as to the weight gain here. Fast food breakfast washed down with diet coke, fast food dinners  with more diet coke, large portions..like omg large....burger and a chicken sandwich because I can't decide.....always more diet coke. I can drink a 2 litter in half a day. cookies, brownies, cakes...gummy bears. Diet coke before bed....I can't remember when I last had a glass of water...seriously can not remember.  Most people eat out 2 -3 times a week...I do it daily. Of course this is bad...horrible. But it gets worse. I work long 12 hour shifts...If I don't stop for breakfast on the way in I eat whatever I want for lunch be it cafeteria or ordering out, and I pick up a big fast food lunch on the way home....then eat dinner with the family. Yep 2 dinners. All with diet coke, XL diet cokes. I sneak food around the kids and graze all day while they are at school/daycare. 


No more.  I don't want to die before I'm 70 and I would like to keep myself off a ventilator as well. 

I went to my family doc first. Told him I was tired, short of breath and just worn out. He ran some blood test and everything came back fine. "go on a low carb diet and get some exercise."   ...seriously...that's it. I was very frustrated, I wasn't expecting him to give me a magic bullet but something besides what I already know what I have to do.  So I tried....lost 10 pounds then the pit came back and swallowed me whole. That was in October of 2011. 

I realized I needed more help. I looked into surgical options. First the bypass. It seemed good, and I know quite a few people that have had it and it worked well for them. I did not like how extensively things were rerouted, also the lack of nutritional absorption for the rest of your life was a big red flag. I also didn't want to drop that much weight that fast nor did I think I had that much to loose ( about 100 pounds).  So I gave up the idea and kept trying..loose/gain...loose/gain. 

I came across a you tube video for the lap band, did some more research and put it in the back of my mind for a while.  Then I hit  my breaking point and decided I was done...time to get serious. As my 35 birthday approached, I took on the mantra 35 and refusing to die! 

I researched the surgeons, found out only 1 surgeon in my employers system was recognized by the lap band system...and he was new. So I looked outside and found Dr. Kole. Its a ways from my home but he has the accreditation and his office is part of the total care program. I went to the informative seminar and had some basic questions answered. I meet with him August 7. I'm excited to get this going. 

Amy~

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