It has been at least over a year since my Realize band surgery and a lot has changed.  My clothes don't fit (a good thing) I am still struggling with my weight (bad thing) and my outlook on life has changed.  The things that used to matter to me still do, but i have fine tuned them. I look in the mirror (naked....yikes) and I still see me, the old me, the overweight me.  But instead of seeing rolls of fat, I now see rolls of skin...quite a few rolls.  I have to tell myself that I have done so much with my weightloss journey.  I have lost those 40lbs and I now have a more active life.  Sure it's not hiking, biking and swimming or out dancing the night away.  But I can now walk a distance without shortness of breath or my head pounding from my high blood pressure.  Family still matter to me, having a loving relationship with my husband still matter to me, great friends/support system still matter to me.  Still me, just....wiser.

I am so glad I work in a library and I have all types of information at my fingertips.  We are lacking in the weight loss surgery section, but I am sure that when I am done with my weight loss surgery books, I am going to donate them.  So I am reading "Weight loss surgery for dummies" and I am learning so much.  I am the type to be kinda gung-ho about things and then I lose interest, but with this book I am learning a lot of new things.  I did go threw the "last supper" phase of the book.  This is when you start to eat everything because you might not ever get a chance to eat this again phase and I gained 10 lbs.  Man I can feel those pounds on my feet and now my BMI is 50 (not good).  I already had my first consultation with my surgeon Dr. Fowler and he told me I am a good candidate for the lap band and the RNY.  I had to do a pros and con's list for both types of surgeries and I decided to do the RNY.  I think it will force me to really change my life and my lifestyle.  The next step is to meet my psych doctor, which I will do this Friday and I already have a date set for a meeting with my weight loss team.  I know money is really tight right now, so I was able to save half of the payment needed for my team and then in a couple of months I will have the rest.  If things progress the way they should, I might be able to have my surgery near my bday.  I had hoped to have some extra money for my trip home for Christmas, but I don't see that happening...however, I am not going to give up hope.  So keep your fingers cross and let's see where this ride takes me.

So I finally set up my page on OH and I am currently setting up some goals.  I love technology, but sometimes I have moments where I find myself asking if I am doing this right.  I will admit that i am a little intimidated by what I see and what I am reading.  Here are people who have gone through what I am going through and they have started their new lives.  I feel like the last person to know about this and I am trying to catch up or at least know what I am doing.  But the truth is, I have no clue...none what so ever.  I have to tell myself to take baby steps.  I actually done a lot already.  I went to a class given at my local hospital about a Dr. who does bariatric surgery and i have heard the pro and con's, I even went out and bought an idiot's guide to weight loss surgery and I have read some of it.  The bariatric surgeon sent me home with homework regarding what steps i need to take in order for me to have surgery.  I had to take a couple of test: stress test and a test called an upper G.I. (my doc's recommendation).  I did not do the thyroid test yet, but that is next on my list and I am now on the depo shot for birth control.  So I know I am committed to doing this surgery.  On Monday I am going to make an appointment with "the pro" (Bariatric Surgeon) and see what comes next.  A little nervous about this all, but the truth is I am tired.  I am tired of feeling this way.  I am tired of the person who I have become and the person who is itching to get out.  The one that wants to go and rent a kayak or go out with friends and not be winded because we parked so far away, or the one who loves music and dancing and cant even get through one song with out feeling like they are going to collapse from lack of oxygen.  That is the real me, not this happy on the outside yet sad on the inside, confident yet self conscious about her weight person.  I don't want to be the super model size thin, however I wish I could look like them.  I just want to be healthy and have kids and look wonderful.  So here is to the beginning.  It's going to be an adventure and ready or not, here I come.