On self-esteem

Jun 02, 2014

I've been changing, I can feel it. I really want to document these changes before surgery so that I can compare an inner before and after. Since I got clearance for surgery, it's like a dam in me has broken and I'm beginning to feel what I can only describe as my own personal power for the first time in my life. By personal power, I really mean self-esteem, but that doesn't seem to do it justice. I feel like I deserve to have confidence, that my opinion is valid, that I can become something, anything that I want to be.

I believe that everything we experience shapes us, and for a long time, my experiences made me wear a protective padding over my body to shield me from the world, that padding being my excess weight.  It served many purposes for me; protected me from unwanted attention from men, removed me from having to compete with women, allowed me to skip physically demanding events that I was too nervous to do, etc. We all have our different reasons for being overweight, but I believe mine was mainly a self defense mechanism. Now I'm a little older, a little wiser, and a lot less likely to be pressured by other people, and the thought of that defense not being there anymore is exciting, not scary.  That inner change had to happen in order for me to be successful with WLS. Now that I'm getting close to surgery, I already feel a huge burden being lifted, before the weight loss has even started. Things that bothered me before no longer matter, I'm able to imagine ways I want to improve my life, I feel like my awesome relationship with my boyfriend is just going to get better , I'm more creative, and honestly, happier.  All of this even before surgery. 

Self-esteem is an ally that's always there, to be your backbone, be your strength, your courage in the face of adversity. It's holding yourself with esteem, which means the highest regard. I'm beginning to realize that in order to really love another person as much as they deserve to be loved, you have to do that for yourself.  People can preach it until the cows come home, but its something that needs to be believed inside yourself for you to understand it. For me, the key to unlocking it was hope. 

Hope is more potent than any drug you could ever take, and I feel truly lucky, blessed and fortunate for this second shot at life. 

1 Comment