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So, it's been a while since last I reported in. Since surgery on 6/26/14 I've lost 136 lbs, without much in the way of exercise. Now I've hit a long plateau and trying to do everything I can to break out of it. I began letting my eating slide after my discovery that I can tolerate sugar again. Let me explain.

Last month I was hit by this weird dizziness/spaciness and went to the urgent care for it, worried that it might be my vitamin levels or something. They checked me out and told me I was fine, but before that I had decided to try eating a bunch of new stuff and see if that helped me at all. I had also been feeling extremely agitated and moody, with wild mood swings from unfounded anger to sadness. It felt like severe PMS all the time, no fun. Until that point I had been sticking to a heavy protein diet, with practically no carbs at all. That weekend I started eating any and everything I could think of; liver, avocados, ice cream, crackers, etc. My mood started to lighten almost instantly, but my dizziness remained. Long story short, I read about something called Carbohydrate Psychosis which occurs when you're on an Atkins type diet consisting of no carbs, which makes people exhibit manic depression type symptoms- remarkably similar to what I was experiencing. When I started to eat carbs again, it went away.

Since then I have plateaued, but felt great. Now, I'm at the point where I'm 18 lbs from my goal weight and I don't want to get stuck at only 8 months out! So, I'm going to cut down on carbs again and keep a close watch on what I eat, plus make sure to exercise every day on my bike at home. I've started doing pushups with my arms while on the bike too, so hopefully with these changes I'll get to Onederland.

On a side note, I've been getting really bummed lately with my job and with my plateau and with winter not going away. Since my weight loss I've been getting so cold and I can't get warm until I get into bed at night. It just drains me. Work's been super busy and I feel like I'm giving 110% when none of the rest of my team is, and that's also wearing on me. There's no recognition for giving the extra effort, and I'm quickly getting burned out. When I'm home all I think about is work, and when I'm at work all I think about is going home. The weekends go too fast, I just feel like I never leave this place. Hoping getting on top of my diet and exercise will help.

I still look at myself and see all the flab that I need to get rid of, the fat that hasn't gone away yet, the sagging skin... really everything BUT all the progress I've made. I put my size 20 pants on which are still snug at the waist and I beat myself up for not being comfortably an 18 yet. I really don't want to get stuck in this negative cycle and become anorexic. My muscles are already so weak and puny, I can't imagine losing more muscle mass. I think I need a support group.

So, things I'm changing- exercising every day, cutting down on complex carbs, tracking my food intake, being more active here, looking for a support group.

Fingers crossed that I get out of this slump soon.

Like, WOAH. This all happened so fast! Last week Dan mentioned to his boss that I am looking for work (for the first time in 6 years, btw) and she said she'd let him know when they were hiring again. TODAY at 1:00 I get a text saying I need to move NOW because they're hiring and they want me in there. So I call the staffing agency at 1:30, write up a resume, panic for a while, and by 2:30 I was scheduled for an interview. Went in at 4:00 sweating bullets. I've been a PCA for my sick mother for the last 6 years, and before that my work history consists of temp work, so I wasn't confident in my chances at all.

The interview went amazingly. I answered every question thoroughly and intelligently, and I aced my typing tests. She said I'll have my interview with the firm tomorrow! Afterward Dan told me that if I had waited till tomorrow to initiate everything it would have been too late, because tomorrow is the last day they're interviewing, and people start MONDAY. *Blown away* 

So... WOW. I mean, talk about life changes lately! A month ago the surgery, and now a job! I feel like a totally different person. The combination of losing weight and soon making money is boosting my self confidence by leaps and bounds. I can't wait to buy people holiday gifts. To be able to go places and do things. Now I just can't mess this up and life will just keep getting better for me. 

About 4 days or so ago, my muscle strain just miraculously stopped hurting! I can sit up from lying, bend over, squat, and even... be intimate again!!  After a month and 4 days, my poor, patient boyfriend and I finally got to be close again. The psychological effects of the lack of intimacy were definitely starting to show on both of us. I know, it's probably TMI, but I'm elated and I had to share. It's practically an NSV. This morning I was adventurous and tried sleeping on my right side, and it worked! It was so weird, though. I'm so used to sleeping on my back. OH! I shaved my legs today for the first time since surgery, too! It feels soooo nice.  Also, I think my stall is over! It only lasted about 5 days or so. I feel very lucky in that.

So, lots of little victories this week. I'm starting to feel like the worst has passed, and that this whole thing is finally becoming a part of me, not taking me over. Hooray! 

Well, I'm in soft foods now, and last night the family and I had some baked salmon. Just as soon as I had taken my last bite of the stuff, the reaction started. I felt too full, gassy, burpy and had pain in my right side. I spent the rest of the night like this, gas x doing nothing for me. I was on the toilet every hour or so, having constant BMs. Went to sleep, woke up 4 hours later feeling the same, sipped some water but it had a hard time going down, as if I was still full. Experienced a sulfur burp  for the first time in my life, and more BM. Went back to sleep for about 5 hours, woke up and am feeling better. The bloating and pain is gone, but I'm still a little burpy. Had yet more BM, and scared to eat anything right now.

That was 12 hours or so of discomfort from eating something I haven't had any problems with in the past. Ugh! Relearning what your body can and can't tolerate is indeed a long, painful process. Very grateful to be out of the worst of it for now though. I'm wiped out today, and plan to take it easy for the rest of the day. Blarg. 

Well, it's not all bad, but it could be better. I'm still dealing with that abdominal muscle strain that happened my first week home, and some days I just want to be anywhere but inside my body because it's so uncomfortable. This morning I could only sleep for about 5 hours before waking up with intense muscle spasms, and have only been able to nap for 30 mins at a time for the same reason. Last night I had an abscess on one of my healing incisions, so that was friggin disgusting, and worrying. I called the nurses today and they told me that they happen, and it's just your body's way of trying to push out the sutures because they're foreign objects in your body. I also seem to be at a stall, or at least approaching one, as I've only lost 3 lbs this week. So, right now post op life isn't treating me the best. 

On the plus side, overall I've lost 49 lbs. It's funny because it doesn't seem like much to me, and I'm still at 305, so I'm not yet celebrating the loss. This weekend I get to move up to soft foods, and that's exciting. I miss bread and cheese and fruit, so that'll be amazing, pending the ultimate authority's decision on the matter. By which I mean my pouch, of course. It'll be nice to be able to start eating dinner with my family again, even if it is minuscule portions of only some of the foods they're having. It'll go a long way for morale. 

So, overall, week 3, and reality is starting to set in that this journey won't be all sunshine and roses, and that my body is still my body, and still just as prone to injury as it was before, if not more so. This is my struggle, and no other person can go through it for me, even if they'd be willing to. I've learned to respect my limits, and that 'powering through' isn't always the best route to take, especially when healing. I feel myself wanting to get out there and do so much though, especially in summer, and it does suck that I'm stuck inside being in all this pain and discomfort at this time.  Oh well. If all goes well, next summer will be my summer to do all the things I've always wanted to do. Just gotta keep my eyes on that prize. 

TL;DR- If you find that you can't sleep more than a few hours at night before waking up in pain, ask your doctor for Flexeril, a muscle relaxer. Get your sleep back! 

I'm 3 weeks post-op tomorrow, and I'm still having pain in one stubborn muscle to the left of my belly button. Some days are better than others, and I do feel it healing slowly, but it's taking its sweet time getting there. Since surgery I've been sleeping for 4 hours at a time before waking up in pain, the only cure for which is standing up, even after sleeping at an incline. I asked my doctor about it last week and he assured me it was muscle pain and that it would probably take another 6 weeks to fully heal, so he prescribed me Flexeril to take at night to help me sleep. Well, I researched it, and found that it has a pretty long duration, (18 hours) and I hate being out of it during the day so I waited to try it until two nights ago, and I wish I'd started taking it sooner.

I took the Flexeril about midnight, because I wanted to wait for my Tramadol to wear off first. (Apparently mixing the two is a recipe for seizures.) In about 5 minutes I started to feel relaxed, and about 20 minutes later I climbed into bed, and had the best sleep I've had since before surgery. 8.5 hours later I woke up with zero pain, feeling so rested it was beautiful.  Went through the day being able to do many things I wouldn't normally, like bending over to pick something up off the floor. I was out of it all day though, and it finally wore off about 6:30, 18ish hours later. Last night all I took before bed was an oxycontin, and I woke up after 8 hours today in pain. 8 hours is still much better than before though, so I'm not complaining too loudly. I think I'll take another one tonight, probably earlier, so it wears off earlier tomorrow. 

Yesterday was a big encouragement, a light at the end of the tunnel, without pain. I can't wait to start to work out and really get this train rolling, but this muscle is preventing me from doing more than the most minor outings. If you're like me, just remember, you will heal, and don't be afraid to take your meds, they can help. 

If you've been keeping up with my recovery, you know that last week sometime I felt a ripping sensation inside followed by immense pain, which my doctor deduced was a suture tare and added six more weeks on to my recovery. Well, since then I've been taking it as easy as I can, and until last night it felt like every day I made a little more progress, and was healing well. Well, last night when I was sleeping, my cat jumped RIGHT on the sorest spot of my tummy. The pain got up to a 10/10. It hurt when the wind hit it. It hurt when I put a sheet over it. The only way to subdue the pain was to relax my muscles, but that went against every fiber of my being, and it was hell. Thankfully my wonderful boyfriend was with me and was able to lift me into a standing position so everything could settle into place again, and after the pain meds took effect, I was able to sleep for a few hours in our recliner. Now, I'm nauseous after I ingest anything, but I'm not throwing up. I'm scared I have a hernia in my abdominal wall, and the booklet I have from the hospital says they fix those with surgery AFTER I've achieved my weight loss goal. So, that would mean dealing with this pain until I lose all my weight? I know, I shouldn't jump to conclusions without having it examined. I almost went to the ER last night but I decided to just wait it out until today and see if it got any better. If I can keep food down, I don't think I'll go.  

*Edit* Just talked to the nurse at my clinic and we went through my symptoms. She said it sounds very muscle related and to take it super easy today and keep heat and ice on it and keep up with my pain meds. I actually see her tomorrow, so she can check me out more then. I guess it's some relief that she doesn't think it's more than that.

Today I'm in such a dark place, because I want to have a smooth recovery, so badly. I see all of you up and around, going back to work, starting to work out, and here I am, feeling like I just got out of the hospital. It seems like every time I feel like I'm really healing on track something happens and it's all back to square one. I can't eat (still on liquids), I can't sleep comfortably, I can't go anywhere. I'm absolutely miserable, feeling trapped in a body that isn't getting better. For some fleeting moments I even have regrets about having the surgery at all. The things I usually do to make myself feel better, I can't do, and that just makes it all that much suckier. I guess I just need some real encouragement to keep going right now. 

So, a few days ago, I was feeling so confident in my healing and had so much energy that I decided to go all day without my support band that they sent me home with from the hospital. After watching some TV with the fam, I went to get out of my recliner, and RRIIP! I feel this tearing sensation inside above my belly button, and am almost blinded by pain.  Searing, stabbing pain that made the rest of my muscles tense up, causing more pain. I thought I was going to pass out it was so bad. My boyfriend helped me into bed and we put ice on it and I popped some of my pain meds and as I calmed down the pain did too.

I've been monitoring it for the past few days and there's no swelling, discoloration or heat in the area, but it's disappointing to say the least. The pain happens when I tense one specific muscle, that just so happens to be used for pretty much everything. Heat helps it tremendously. I'm afraid to call my surgeon because the last thing I want to do is have to have another surgery, so I've been hoping it just heals on its own. Sleeping is still really hard, and I'm starting to get worn down by it. I just miss being comfortable. Bleh. 

Oh, AND I got my period yesterday. So even more cramping! Yay! 

This is my one week Surgeversary and I've been staying off the scale because I went back up while in the hospital, as most people do, from the swelling and water weight. So finally I decided to look and I hope I don't get hooked on weighing now! Going to try to keep it to Fridays only. 

Weight upon leaving hospital: 350

Weight today: 325.3

. Speechless.

So just now, water going down the wrong tube turned into having to cough which felt like someone trying to rip me apart at the seams.  I have my first post-op meeting with my surgeon today and I get to tell him about a whole slew of fun problems that have been cropping up in the last day and a half. Let me illuminate you all.

One- yesterday when I pooped, there were CRYSTALS in it. Like, no joke, kosher table salt looking crystals. Clear, in a range of sizes, no bigger than a typical granule of sea salt. I managed to save some (, I know) to show them, which is good because since about 9pm I haven't had another BM, just lots of gas. (I wonder if it was because of that damned Cream of Wheat that I tried in the morning?  Infernal hell food, that Cream of Wheat.) I called the Nurse hotline at my hospital and she was completely at a loss, and I scoured the web and I can't find much about crystals in poo, so hopefully they can help figure out that crazy crap (literally). 

Two- I *think* I have some sciatica happening in my left leg, because there's a dull ache behind my knee and sometimes straight up behind my thigh, but only when I'm sitting down. It's fine when I'm on my side in bed, or standing up, there's no swelling or discoloration or warmth that usually goes with a blood clot, and I have a range of back and hip problems. Oh and it started about a week or more prior to surgery. But of course my brain is worried it's a damn blood clot and that if I don't do something about it I'll die. Blargh. 

Three- above my belly button, when I bend over even just slightly, I feel this poking, sort of movement or something in there.  I tell myself my insides have all been rearranged so there's bound to be some settling or wriggling of the new tiny pouch as it gets pressed against other things when I move, but it's SO. WEIRD. FEELING.  It's like there's a little alien in there and he's going to burst forth when he gets a little bigger. 

This is the stuff they didn't warn me about. This is the stuff I'm worried about. Sparkly Crystal Poo? Am I a fairy now? If so, where's my wish granting wand? I just hope they can soothe away my fears and this is all more or less normal and I don't suddenly have Celiac disease or a hernia or blood clot or all three. I just want to get healed and get better and remember why I did this to myself.