Jenci S.

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WTF!  I am so angry with myself.  I have allowed myself to gain 100 pounds from my lowest weight.  I distinctly remember saying hello to ONEDERLAND, and goodbye to the TWO HUNDREDS completely.  Apparently I wasn't / am not committed.  I can't stand the way I look and feel.  I feel like a fat slob.  I am ugly.  I am morbidly obese again.  AGAIN!

I am not ready to recommit either.  How sad is that?  I've gained twenty pounds in 3 months.  INSANITY!  And apparently I am not stopping.  That isn't true.  I need to stop.

My biggest no - no, has been alcohol.  I have been drinking non stop.  NON STOP.  I need to just quit, the initial weight will fall off, but it isn't that easy to just quit.  I am not getting wasted, just drinking because it relaxes me after dealing with work, kids, etc.

Additionally, I separated from my husband of 7 years in January.  That hasn't helped my outlook either.

I just want to say thank you to everyone here on OH for their heartfelt advice, concern, acceptance, and love.  OH keeps me going, and has been the most powerful after surgery tool I've found.

So thank you to all my encouragers!  You're the best!

If I look back over the last two years since surgery I realize I am in a deep depression.  When I am depressed I eat, and when I eat I gain weight.  I have learned to out smart my pouch.  I know if I graze I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want to eat it.  I no longer get sick from eating too much, which means I've managed to stretch my pouch.  Not good.  

I am writing today because I am down and low.  I am feeling super low about the food choices I've made.  This is more of a poor me post than a cry for sympathy, because I don't deserve sympathy.  I am the one making the horrible choices, I am the one choosing to gain the weight.

2013 is a new year.  A new opportunity to move forward and not continue to fall backward.  So here's to moving forward!

I am so thankful for my pouch.  Yes, I used to be able to eat the whole bowl of stuffing myself, and enjoyed more than a few slices of turkey, and almost a whole can of cranberry sauce, and don't get me started on the pumpkin pie, pumpkin cheesecake, etc. but I am so much happier than I was when I could eat all that (and more).  I guess what I am trying to say is don't mourn the fact that you can't eat even half as much as you used to.  Enjoy the fact that you get to eat, be merry and not pass out at the end of the meal.  (Or pop a button off your pants). :)  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

The following sign resonated with me today.  I needed it.  Read it, and absorb it, it might make you feel better too!

Well.  I think I need more fluids.  I have lost 2.6 pounds since starting the 5-day-pouch-test on Sunday.  Not too shabby.  But not what I was hoping for.

Unfortunately, that is my own fault.  I have grazed a bit throughout the process.  I do believe it has shrunk my pouch back down again.  I am able to eat less in one sitting, which is AWESOME!  Except when I forget (like I did yesterday) that I haven't been eating nuts or sugar for 4 days, and eating three Kisses and some almonds might put me over the edge (like it did), and I puked.  But that is a good thing too.  I should not have eaten those things.  My stomach was enjoying it's break from snacking.  

Today I am back on track for day 5.  I had 1/2 a chicken salad for lunch, and 1/2 a cup of butternut squash soup.  It was just enough. I wasn't stuffed.  For me, it was healthy, and a good choice.  I am not advocating everyone else go out and eat the same thing.  I could have made better choices I am sure.  But it worked for me.  Portion control.  I will have the leftovers for lunch tomorrow.  

Some days I hate that I can't eat as much as everyone else.  I am sure people who know I've lost and regained weight often wonder how in the world I was able to do that considering I eat next to nothing compared to them.  Sometimes I wonder the same thing, and then I take an honest look at what I consume on a daily basis and I no longer wonder, but I KNOW why I've been gaining.  Honesty is hard, especially when you've been in denial for so long.

It is your right as an American Citizen.  Do it.  

Someone asked if the 5-day-pouch test wasn't another form of dieting, and haven't we dieted enough?

For me I am using this as a restart.  I have gotten into bad habits over the last 8 months, and I am ready to change them.  I am using this as my opportunity to safely start over.  Who knows what it is going to do for me.  I am working on controlling my grazing, I think that is where I run into the most trouble.  And also not allowing myself a taste of candy, or one piece even, it leads me down a path of destruction where I can't stop.

Having gastric bypass is a diet.  It is an opportunity to retrain your brain and stomach to eating healthier.  I can guarantee you'll regain weight if you're still buying big macs at McD's, even if you're only eating half.  Fat is fat.  For a while I was able to only be concerned with the amount of fluids I was taking in, and the amount of protein.  That changes after a while and you have to start looking at fat and caloric content of what you're putting into your mouth.

This journey isn't for the faint hearted.  It is work.  At first it won't be, the weight will fall off without you even trying.  Eventually you'll have to really make changes to what and how you're eating.  This isn't a fix all, cure all solution.  It is simply a tool.  All that being said, I am healthier than I was at 16, and a whole lot happier with my weight and lifestyle.  I would have the surgery again in a heartbeat.

So I am a grazer.  I am always eating.  Doesn't matter what it is I just put it in my mouth and before I know it I have apparently consumed enough calories to now be back in 200+ville.  (239) to be exact.  :(

So today I woke up and decided to do the 5-day-pouch test.  Today I have consumed only protein drinks, tomato soup, jello and pudding.  (And tea and water).  I have managed to make it through the day without cheating.  Believe me, I have wanted to cheat, but every time I got close I realized the only person who would know would be me and that wasn't what I wanted.

Tomorrow I apparently can have canned meat, tuna, etc.  I am going to attempt to have another day like today, mostly fluids.  But I might have tuna for dinner.  I am sure you're wondering what the 5-day-pouch test is, here is a link http://www.5daypouchtest.com/.  They have a lot of recipes, and food ideas.  We'll see where I am and if I am able to "shrink" my pouch back down.  

But I do realize more than just trying to shrink my pouch, I am using this as an opportunity to prove to myself I can make it through the day without grazing and cheating.  Baby steps!

Ever had one of those?  I am having one today.  Barely got through my lunch.  Only had a protein shake for breakfast, no other snacks between.  WEIRD.

You're going to have those days when you feel like you have eaten everything in sight, and those days when you wish you could eat everything in sight and one bite seems to take you over the edge!