It has been a long time...

Aug 16, 2011

Hi everyone!  I have been absent since March! 

I have managed to keep my weight between 181 and 189.  That means I am in maintenance mode, since December!  I am amazed.

And yet, I wake up scared every morning.  I am afraid of the scale.  I am afraid that one day it will read 190.  And then eventually 200.  I am scared.

I get on kicks where I just want to walk.  I get on kicks where I just want to eat.  I have learned to manipulate my pouch.  But also, I have learned what a healthy meal is.  I have learned what healthy portions are. 

I wish I had more to say, but I really don't.  I am in between.  I am not thrilled.  I am not destitute. 

Some days I look in the mirror and am amazed at the transformation.  Other days I put on my size 12 pants and they're tight, and I want to lay down and cry.  I feel trapped because I know I look and feel better when I wear a shaper, but hate wearing them.  All I see when I look at myself naked is fat, blubber, excess skin.  I don't see a beautiful woman.  I am uncomfortable to see men looking at me.  It is nerve wracking.  Expanding my wardrobe to include dresses and skirts has been a stretch, and yet everyone in my life thinks I look amazing when I do wear them.  So why don't I embrace them, and wear them more often?  Why am I more comfortable in my chinos, flats, and jersey blouses?   The minute I get home at night I go into my room, shed my clothes, shaper and bra, and throw on a sports bra, comfy pants/capris, and an over-sized t-shirt (which I have a ton of in my closet), and veg out.  When I look in the mirror I see a woman with no breasts with big uncontrolled hips.  My husband sees a woman he can wrap his arms around, and pick up if he gets the impulse.  I see elephant skinned thunder thighs, my son sees him mommy, and loves to wrap his arms around my "trunks". 

Why can't I see what everyone else sees?  I look back at old pictures of myself and cannot believe how huge I was.  For a while I saw new pictures of myself and was amazed at how thin I was.  Now I look at those pictures and think, "Man, I was still fat".  Why can't I have that confidence back?  Why can't I look in the mirror and see the amazing accomplishment that is standing in front of me? 

I don't look at my 165 pound loss and think about how amazing that is, or how fortunate I am to have accomplished such a feat.  I guess I thought I would be a size 4, and weigh 120 pounds.  Instead I am a size 12, and 185ish pounds.  My husband reminds me that I want to eventually have plastic surgery to remove my excess skin (arms, stomach, thighs), and have breast implants.  He estimates I have at least 40 pounds of excess skin.  But even that doesn't change how I see myself.  How messed up are we as a society?  We train our children to see themselves as fat, thin, ugly, gorgeous.  It may not be intentional, but it is long lasting.

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