Accepting Compliments

Aug 22, 2011

When you've always been the girl in the corner, how do you adjust to being in the spot light?  I have often envied cheerleaders (at least in my brain, vocally I comment on how vain and moronic they are).  They proudly strut into the spotlight in tight, non-existent outfits, hair teased to high heaven, and enough makeup to cover their face and five others.  They beam as the crowd applauds their every move.  Man, how do they do that?

Some days I wonder, even if I had always been thin, had a cheerleader body, would that have been me?  Would I have ever been comfortable enough to walk into the spotlight and ask for attention?  Back in high school when it was over 100 degrees outside, would I have worn shorts even if I had had killer legs?  The answer to the first question, maybe, the answer to the second question, YES!  So now that I have a better body, and thinner legs why am I unable to bask in the attention and glory those two things bring?  I have tried.  I have a dress and a skirt I have worn to work, and received multiple compliments on, but I still am not confident in either item.  All I see when I look at my legs in the mirror, or the windows as i walk into work, are stretch marks, and blubber.  And in the back of my head I hear that dumb girl in my junior high english class saying "God, you have the biggest calves I have ever seen."  How is it something a dumb girl said over 15 years ago sticks in my mind so badly that I can't hear positive comments that come in daily which should cloud that old voice out?

This weekend my son's grandmother came over.  She had bypass surgery a year before me, and she looks amazing.  In fact, her surgery spurred me to have mine.  Anyway, we started chatting, and in the middle of catching up she stopped and said, "I am sorry, but you are gorgeous!  You know how everyone comments on how much weight we've lost, blah, blah, blah, well let me tell you, all I see is how gorgeous you are!  I mean you were always pretty, but you are breathtaking.  You have beautiful skin, a beautiful smile, teeth, everything, you're beautiful!"  Holy cow!  Where in the world did that come from? 

I have known this woman for over six years now, and wham, she compliments me.  And what do I say "Well thank you, I have been trying."  Ok, think about that, trying?  Trying what?  Trying to look gorgeous?  Um no.  That is something I have no control over.  Genetics.  Pure and simple.  I later realized I was giving her my automatic response to people complimenting me on how much weight I've lost, "I'm trying."  How is that an answer?  I guess somewhere along the way of being gracious and acknowleging my success I decided "thank you" wasn't an adequate answer to compliments.  It wasn't enough to thank them, I felt like I had to give an excuse.  Why isn't "thank you" enough?  Why can't I honor my accomplishment and bask in their compliments? 

I guess the long and short of it is, I need to work on being a cheerleader.  A cheerleader for me.  One who steps into the spotlight (every day life), scantily clad (anything is less when you've been cloaked in fat for years), and is willing to bask in the cheers (compliments), and applause (encouragement) from others.

Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah!

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