Struggles

Oct 24, 2012

Someone wrote me a private message asking about my struggles post surgery.

Oh where to begin.  I guess I will begin by saying, I would have the surgery over again, despite all the pitfalls, all the struggles, all the throwing up, and all the regain.  There is no doubt in my mind.  Yes, I have gained some weight back, but I am no where near where I was 2.5 years ago.  That is amazing to me.  I am more active then I was, and I intend to stay that way.  I love feeling like I can walk with my sons to the park at the drop of a hat.  I like being able to take my boys to an amusement park and be able to get on the rides with them, or bounce in a bounce house.  Those are all things I missed out on because of my weight, it held me back from living life.

Back to struggles.  Right now I am struggling with the weight gain.  I am not shy about admitting I suffer from severe depression, and am possibly even Bipolar II.  I take medications daily to help, but they aren't enough and I supplement with food.  I am working on finding better food choices, and upping my fluid intake.  We shall see what happens.

I remember when I first had the surgery I struggled a lot with the idea that I wouldn't be able to eat whatever I wanted anymore.  I was afraid of dumping.  But I broke the rules, and allowed myself to eat a small amount of anything I wanted.  I found I didn't dump.  And actually wished I did dump because it might have been a deterrent.  While I don't have dumping I do have an adverse reaction to a combination of sugar and white carbs (i know sugar is a white carb, but I mean bread, etc).  I start to sweat profusely, feel sick to my stomach and nearly pass out.  It last anywhere from 5 - 15 minutes.  Weird, but not uncommon.

I have also struggled with realizing I can't eat as much as my brain wants to eat.  You know the saying, my eyes are bigger than my stomach, well, get used to that one.  I always want more than I am able to get in.  That is another things to be mindful of, how full you are.  I was told to eat until you're comfortable.  Not full.  I have more than once, more than a dozen times made myself sick because I ate too much.  It is easy to do, and not much fun.  You get real familiar with the porcelain throne if you're not careful.  I went through a few months where I was throwing up every day.  I would stuff myself and my stomach would send it all back out.  Not fun.

Another thing I've struggled with has been the scale.  According to my doctor I should weight 135 pounds.  I never got even close to that.  Lowest I ever was was 181.  And that was only for 1 day!  I was happy there.  I was too thin for everyone around me.  The scale is just a number people.  The things you need to take into account are: How do I feel?  Am I comfortable at this weight?  Am I healthy?  If your answers are yes, then in my opinion, rock that weight.  

I once asked a coworker if she looked the same in her home mirror as she looked in the bathroom mirror at work.  Because I swore the mirror at work was lying to me.  I saw this thin woman, but didn't recognize her.  I couldn't believe I was the person in the mirror.  I would walk past windows and do a double take.  Insanity.  Was that really me?  Or looking back at pictures of me after my second son was born I am amazed at that person.  I will never be that big again.  I refuse.  I couldn't even walk up one flight of stairs in my parking garage without being out of breath, and wheezing.  I never wanted to go anywhere, I was ashamed.  I lived in a hole.

I want to say things get easier, but there is a total honeymoon phase  when you lose without even trying.  You just lose, and lose, and lose.  Yes, there are plateaus, but they're short lived.  Then you hit a stall.  And I don't mean a week stall, I mean two, three, four weeks.  You think you're done losing, and bam, you lose again.  It goes like this for a while.  Then there is maintenance.  I maintained roughly 195 for a year.  I was comfortable, and happy.  I felt fantastic, and my husband was super happy with me at that weight.  Then earlier this year my depression kicked in and bam, I went back to old habits and started gaining.  I have stopped gaining, but am not losing.  I am continuing to make bad choices.  Mindless eating.  Constant eating.  Struggling.  I'll tell you, I thought I was struggling before, but I would take the daily vomiting over where I am today.  

There is no easy way through this journey.  There is no "end".  You will struggle, you will fall, you will succeed.  It isn't easy.  I haven't found it easy to accept my new body, and believe me, the changes happen so fast you hardly have time to embrace going down a size before you're down another size.  It is insane.  BUT FUN.  WORTHWHILE.  EXCITING.  

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