Jennifer A.
6 Months
Jul 08, 2011
Has it seriously been 6 months already?!?! It seems like just yesterday I was impatiently waiting for Nancy to call with my date. Even weirder.....I remember weighing myself at home after Thanksgiving (7 months ago) and crying because I was back up to 330 (needed to be at 310 to get date). I somehow managed to get back down to 310 within a month (can we say crash dieting?!) and got my date. BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER (got my date a few days before Christmas)!!!
Although I'd like to lose another 90 pounds (it will probably change as I get closer)....I feel skinny....until I look in the mirror. I say that only because I think I'm suffering from body dis-morphia. I feel SOOOO much better but when I look in the mirror, I still see 344 pound Jennifer. Sometimes I love the way I look. Others (alot lately), I get horribly depressed and pick myself apart (flaws). I've also had another issue come up. I have been loving the attention I've been getting lately. LOVE IT. i don't hide from people anymore. However, when I'm around people I don't know, I just blend in, which is fine. I feel comfortable, relaxed etc... When I am in a large group of people (at work for the most part) that know what I looked like before.....I have been having what I can only describe as a panic attack. I feel like all eyes are on me. I feel sick to my stomach, shaky, nervous etc... As soon as I'm back in my safe little cubicle, I feel just fine. It is so weird because I actually look forward to these times when our whole facility gets together. Why is this happening??? Anyway, I contacted my Dr and he sent in a referral to the psych dept. I really don't want to be on any meds but counseling would be nice. I still need to find a support group too. Yes I am losing weight but I am really only following the plan 50% of the time and I am always making excuses about going to the gym. It may be fine now, but what happens when the "magic" wears off??? I have to fix it now! That, and I'm curious to see what my results would be like if I was at least 90% on plan and working out daily again.
Although my 6 month mark was actually on July 4th, my appointment isn't until the 15th. Since I have to drive to the Bay Area for this, I decided to make a day of it and take the kids and their friends to the beach afterwards. Can't wait! Not really looking forward to discussing my sucky lab results though. I have been doing tons better about getting in ALL of my vitamins (even that pesky iron), 64-80oz water and 75 grams protein. The only protein shake I liked, Target stopped carrying so I hadn't had a shake in months. I finally found it at Amazon and for a few dollars cheaper too! I have it set up so that they will automatically mail me a new tub every month :)
I've been trying to make new goals to keep myself going and motivated. I really don't care about clothing "sizes". Currently I am wearing junior large/x-large shirts and size 18 jeans. I haven't worn under a 14 since I was 15 years old so this will be getting weird soon (I hope!) Anyway, as soon as I hit 199, I am going to get a completely new hairstyle. My almost shoulder length, medium brown hair is going to be way shorter (A-line bob) and super blond! I was a blond for years but stopped as the weight piled on. Didn't want to draw any extra attention to myself I guess. I am hoping by then that the hair loss will ease up a bit. I am also going to start getting my nails done again when I hit 199 :) It is getting closer by the day!
