Jennifer A.

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I attended my company's holiday party last Friday night. My first outing with other adults since surgery. I picked out the perfect outfit that really showed off my weight loss. My co-worker helped with my make-up. I felt so good! Then we get to the party (at a country club) and it is non-stop compliments, praise, hugs, ATTENTION. I loved every minute of it. I even had one co-worker tell me she didn't recognize me at first! I promised myself I would be careful on the drinking. I sipped champagne and wine before dinner. Ate a little salmon and prime rib. My friends/co-workers didn't understand why I didn't grab some bread and veggies. Really, I was full after just a little meat. Anyway- then the drinking started. I stuck with rum and diet coke. I purposely brought only $30 so I couldn't go overboard. I danced, laughed, mingled.... Well, my co-worker told me to ask this really nice guy to dance so I did (she is trying to teach me to be more social). He ended up buying my drinks the rest of the night. BAD IDEA. I don't know exactly what happened...... I remember bits and pieces. I found out lots more yesterday at work. Apparently I went on a kissing spree.... UGH! I was horrified when I first found out. We aren't talking a couple of people. I know of at least 5, maybe 6. I'm afraid there were more. That is so not me!!! I ended up getting a ride home from a couple of male co-workers. I remember getting out of the car but not going in the door. I woke up a few hours later completely sober and feeling like garbage. For the most part, everyone is still commenting on how great I looked and how it was nice to see me break out of my shell (I'm super shy and quiet at work). I've been getting tons of new, positive attention. I can't let that happen again though. Thank god I got a ride home from good guys..... They are my new buddies too   It's been an interesting week to say the least.

Oh! I'm down 9 pounds!!! I've really started hitting the gym consistently and my new found male attention kills my appetite so food hasn't been an issue :) I'm actually starting to FEEL skinny lol.

I feel so completely off track. I am literally scared to death that this is the beginning of me gaining everything back. When my mom first passed, I couldn't eat and lost 10 pounds in a week (as I previously posted). Now I want to eat constantly. It's a war. My emotional eating/binging ~vs~ my pouch. I've gotten to a point that I am eating every couple of hours when I'm not even hungry. I don't pay any attention to calories (high) or protein (too low). I eat until I'm full or feel sick. Then as soon as there is room I eat again. I'm very aware of what I'm doing. Sh*t I didn't deal with before surgery that I should have! I'm a binge eater. I remember when it started. It was 16 years ago, right after the birth of my first son. I would literally eat until I felt like I was going to throw up. Then I'd get even more depressed and cry, promising to stop. I, like alot of people out there, lied when asked if I have ever had an issue with binge eating. I would have said anything to get my surgery. Well, I need to deal with it NOW. I've been terrified to step on the scale (although my jeans are still getting looser). What happens if I can't beat this before the magic of the RNY wears off? What happens if I end up being 300+ pounds again??????? UGH! At least I'm aware of what's happening. My only saving graces are that 1) I can't eat sugar. After getting sick off canned fruit twice, I won't even attempt it. 2) I used to be a big drinker prior to surgery, especially when I was upset. Now one glass of wine makes me feel crappy enough that I don't want alcohol at all. I think I'm completely done with coffee also. I went from about 5 cups a day to 1. Now even that 1 cup is causing a hypoglycemic reaction.

It isn't only weight gain that I'm afraid of. I'm scared that I am going to physcially hurt myself. Cause irrepairable damage. Ulcers? Stretched pouch? Anything else??? I knew going into this that there were risks and I needed to really take care of myself. I remember to take my vitamins when I'm at work, which is only 4 days a week. 10 months out, I still don't take my Iron...... This is all so very real. The last week or so I have felt like sh*t daily. I've started getting a pain in my left side just under my rib. My pouch hurts off and on. I've felt really weak and blah. As I type, I have a pain on my right side, just under my ribs. Gall Bladder?? Awesome......

I know it's not too late to fix this. Turn it all around. Get back on track. First step is admitting the problem(s) right? 

I lost my best friend yesterday. My mom passed away. I was with her the entire time. I saw it all and it is forever burned into my brain. Although I wouldn't give up those last few moments with her for the world, I wish I hadn't  witnessed her death. It kills me. I don't know how I will ever feel better.

To keep this weightloss related, I don't feel like eating. I feel sick constantly. I've lost 5 pounds in the last few days. I'm almost under 200 and I honestly don't care right now. None of it means anything to me right now. I'd rather be 300+ pounds and still have my mom with me......

The scale hasn't move for me in weeks and I know full well it is my fault. When I'm upset I eat and lately, crackers and flavored peanuts have been my go to foods. Not only is it comfort food but the crackers seem to calm my stomach. I've been upset to say the least. My mom's cancer started in her breast a year ago, spread to her left lung a few months ago and is now in her brain. Last Friday she had a seizure and we were told to strongly consider stopping her treatments..... We discussed it and decided to at least wait and see if the radiation on her brain and chemo help at all. My mom, who has been my best friend since I was maybe 13 and who I used to talk to every single day on the phone, barely even knows where she is half the time anymore.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about that. It hurts. A couple of days ago, I completely cleaned out my desk of any crackers, peanuts, peanut butter etc... I cut myself off from stopping at McDonald's or Jack in the Box on the way to work (egg mcmuffin or breakfast jack- eat only half the bread). I started packing healthier foods that will fill me up. Breakfast has been: 2 eggs, 2 slices turkey bacon, 1/2 yogurt (Sometimes I can eat it all, sometimes I can't). Lunch: Turkey Chili (homemade) with 1/4 brown rice, salsa & ff sour cream. Snack (if needed): 4 crackers+cheese+turkey or 1/4 skinless apple+string cheese. Dinner: grilled chicken(or shrimp)+veggie or leftover lunch. My hair has started falling out AGAIN so I'm going to start adding a protein shake into my day again. I quit taking Biotin too so I'm going to start that again too. My hair was finally starting to look cute! I weighed myself this morning and I am down 2 pounds! Woo hoo! I was starting to stress a little although, even though the scale hasn't budge in almost a month, I went from a size 18W in jeans to a REGULAR size 16!! :D Crazy how this new body works.... I would really REALLY like to see under 200 soon. I've been so close for so long....