Jennbawa
Little Over a Year Post Op.. Happiness and Struggles..
Jun 15, 2010
Well, greetings to anyone still out there.. lol.. it seems that once the surgery is finished, people tend to start living their lives and this website becomes a distant memory.. haha.. not that it's a bad thing.. but I really didn't want to turn into one of those people who disappeared completely. 
So here I am.. about 14 months out.. down from 289lbs to 147lbs!!! That's a loss of 142lbs... about half my weight.. 
It's still all very surreal to me, to be honest. My doctor still wants me to get down to 135, and the weight is still coming off SLOWLY, but 135 just seems too small for me.. but we shall see.
I went into the emergency room the other day for stomach pains (they were really weird stomach pains and I thought my gallbladder or something was about to give, turned out to be nothing I guess).. but anyhow, the nurse who was taking my vitals pulled up my information on her computer and I saw her look at the screen, look back at me, look at the screen and then back at me and finally said "you had gastric bypass?" and I said "yes" and she said "oh my god, you're SOOO skinny!! I would have never guessed you had ever been bigger!". I blushed.. it really made me feel good and it's moments like those that remind me how "real" it is. I tend to forget how it was being big now.. and I don't want to forget that.. 
I am LOVING being thin though!! I got season passes to Great America (roller coaster park) and have taken my boys a few times now.. they love it and I love being able to spend the time with them.. being able to fit on all the rides is AMAZING! Not to mention, there's a water park there and this past weekend I was strutting around with shorts and a bathing suit top on (not a bikini though.. lol) but it felt SO good .. such a feeling of freedom! I feel like I have a whole new life that I never thought I would have... never even dreamed it would feel this great!
So what am I doing? Well as we all know too well, it is so much easier to screw up once you're a year out or so... I've realized that now. I definitely got "comfortable" with no exercise and just losing weight for a long time there. I would go through quick phases where I would ride my bike a few weeks or maybe try an exercise video.. but nothing really stuck. So a couple months back.. I was in a relationship and started getting "comfortable".. you know, where you're going out to dinner and lunch or breakfast when you're with that person.. and you find yourself not really paying attention to food intake because your life just seems so happy and great?? haha.. Well yeah, I was there.. and by no means did I eat things that were outrageous.. I think I just ate more then I should have in most cases. So, in turn, I actually hit a long plateau where I was staying around 155-160.
After the relationship, I started re-evaluating what I was doing.. and realized that 155-160 was not where I wanted to get stuck. So I got myself in check and then started walking with a friend of mine. Well, when I was walking, I felt like I needed "more", like my body was "NEEDING" more of a challenge. So I started jogging and then walking 2 miles a day. Then on my nifty Droid phone, I found an app called "Cardio Trainer".. this thing is my saving grace!! It goes by GPS, it tracks how far you've gone, where you've gone (shows you on a map), how many calories you've burned, your time.. etc. IT is FANTABULOUS! I started using that and going around my neighborhood walking and building up my jogging. I now jog about 95% of 4 miles a day in a 40-50 minute timeframe.. and love it! My weight has been gradually going down and in the two months I have been doing this, I have lost 4 inches of EACH of my thighs! amazing!
Sadly though, I still have a lot of issues with my body. I think I've said before that I had more confidence naked prior to the surgery then I do now, and that still rings true. My stomach is a disaster from all the stretch marks, that are now like these deep lines that run down my stomach. I do not have much of a belly "hang over" which I am fortunate for, but it's still not pretty to look at. My rear and thighs have creases and wrinkles where you can tell there's excess skin and my upper arms are very bad. But most of all.. my breasts.. R.I.P. boobies.. I miss those things so much.. what I have now is a pathetic mess of flappy skin.. it's aweful.
This is what I've noticed too. It seems truly harder to find someone who is willing to accept me the way I am now, then it did when I was big. I know I know, you're probably saying that's crazy talk.. but hear me out here. haha..
When I was big, it was OBVIOUS I was big.. if someone met me, they knew what they were getting into, they knew I was thick and would most likely have stretch marks and huge thighs and all that stuff that comes with being BIG. But now, people see me and assume I'm thin and that I've always been thin. So they get their hopes up that I have a kick ass body which only looks that way when fully clothed.. so it's really misleading. So meeting people now, I am FAR more nervous about how to approach the subject. I had met two people who when I told them up front I had a surgery and lost a lot of weight, they immediately stopped talking to me.. So, I do not know if I want to be up front with anyone else but then I feel like I'd be leading someone on and if they eventually see me, they will run. It's a bit of a dilema and very frustrating... to say the least.
Anyhow.. I am sure I'll eventually find someone who accepts me the way I am, like my last boyfriend did.. it's just weeding out the superficial people, which can be hard to do when it's something that's not that easy to talk about.
All things aside though.. I am VERY happy with the person I have become.. I do not have any regrets and would do it all over in the drop of a hat!
I hope everyone is doing well out there! Stay positive and smile!! Enjoy your new life and the endless possibilities that lay in front of you!
