Dear Dad,

I am hurt. Broken inside, and even though there is nothing you can say to change the way I feel I have some things that I deserve to express to both you and Patti about what occured while I was there.

I have replayed the situation over and over in my head and everytime it crosses my mind I feel sick. I saw the coke in your nose. I found the paraphernalia in the bathroom on the top shelf and I want you to know that it took every bit of restraint not to blow up on Friday night. It also took every once of self control I had in me not to punch Joan Dickinson in the face because not only did I have to get through the night knowing you were doing it, but I had to deal with her being a belligerent asshole and mock my wedding video and make jokes at my expense. Unacceptable.

You sat me down when we came back from our drive in the morning and you told me the coke was a "once in a while thing". I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT FOR ONE SECOND. If that were something you do once in a while then why would the once in a while conveniently happen the weekend of Anna Rose's confirmation while I was in town. IDK but if that were me that would be the last weekend I would use a recreational drug that is just a sometimes thing. IT DOESN'T make any sense.

You have a 14 year old innocent kid in the house, and I have to be honest. I don't care if Patti does it or not. You claim she doesn't do coke but in my eyes she is just as guilty. Her out of all people how could she know that it was going on in her house with her daughter home. HOW?????? How could she let that happen? How could I be there all weekend, and her never talk to me about it? I knew she knew I knew and she knew I knew she knew yet nothing was said? She puts so much into Anna Rose getting a good education, volunteering, being in all these extra curricular activities, wanting her to go to a Catholic High School, being an alter girl basically you both breed her to be the Prodigal child. It is so hypocritical when you are in the other room doing drugs with her sister and she is smoking pot in the house with Anna Rose there. I cannot even process it. What if Anna had a sleepover with one of her "more developed friends" and they found that in the bathroom. What if they tried it? What if you had a heart attack and left your children fatherless? What if you were buying coke and got arrested? HOW MANY SCENARIOS CAN I CREATE UNTIL YOU SEE THAT THE DECISIONS YOU MAKE DON'T JUST AFFECT YOU. Anna Rose is at such a critical age where she is going to begin to know about drugs and signs of using and be exposed to things like that. Typically that's something that happens through peer pressure or at school dances or sporting events but its happening right under her nose at home the very place that is suppose to be the "safe haven" away from things like that. Kris and I are adults and we can try to handle whatever messes get thrown at us. I always thought Anna had it easy because she got something Kris and I never did.... she got the upbringing of 2 parents in a loving home with no dramatic day to day events for the most part everything always seemed to be on the straight and narrow. But dad I feel for her because someday if this continues....... she will be hurt most from this. Much more than me..... much much more than Kris. Imagine what it would be like if Anna Rose knew what was going on?

For as far back a I can remember since you have been with Patti I always looked up to her family. Seemingly everyone was so close and got along so well I envied their values and how close they all were. Every summer when I came there it felt like I was apart of something special they were so different from my family life back in Boston. They were like the Walton's and my family seemed like the Osbourne's in comparison. I have lost so much of the high level of respect I have had for the Dickinson's they are no better than my family and I feel ashamed to have ever have thought that. Joan especially and I just want to make this clear for the future, she makes me feel uncomfortable. So much so that when I first got to your house and even before this all went down I was hesitant to see her. The last trip I had there when I came with Brian I had issues with her. She had made some really odd comments to us and it offended us both and I have had bitter feelings towards her since. This is the second time I have been around her "under the influence" (that I know of anyway) and she has offended me.

Dad, I don't think you realize the extent of the roller coaster of emotions I am feeling, guilt, frustration, sadness, disappointment, confusion, stress, and anger just to name a few. My whole entire life has been dedicated to defending your honor to my mother. I have been sticking up for you for as long as I can remember. No matter what terrible things she would tell me about you I always went to bat for you. Whether she told me stories about the lying, cheating, alcoholism, drug use, I just fought her and turned all the anger she made me feel and directed it at her. (I am not by any means saying that she wasn't wrong for telling me these things that were way beyond my years) but dad I fought for you. Over and over and over and over more times than you could count. I fought and defended you no matter what she said. This whole situation partially hurts so much because apart of me feels like this validated things she said. Things she told me that I just could never believe to be true because you are my father and I refused to think those things were possible, but now I don't know what to think. I can't help feeling empathetic toward my mom almost second guessing all these supposed lies and stories I thought were blown out of proportion or were in no way true at all. Now I am just reviewing every little thing in my head just feeling guilty and sorry for not having more understanding towards her or thinking maybe just maybe she was scorned and brokenhearted by you and maybe she just never got over it and maybe that was the root of all of her craziness. Maybe that's what drove her to be so jaded maybe she was just legitimately ruined by all of your unforgivable and irresponsible actions and maybe she just wasn't able to let it go. I don't know I guess I never will but I just have a different perspective on everything. It's just a snowball effect.

I know I am not perfect, I have made my fair share of mistakes and experimented myself. I don't want this letter to seem threatening or hypcritical in any way. I just want it to be an honest raw take on what happened. I just want you to know that if you guys do whatever it is that you do, I cannot change that but please please please.... do not do anything with Anna Rose in the house. She is my number one priority I love her more than anyone in this world and I would do anything to stop her from being affected by this issue.

I know that there is nothing you can say or do to change the way I feel right now. There is no way to begin to right the wrong. When you tell me it will stop, I don't believe you. I am not sending this letter for any other reason than to be able to say my peace and move on. I hope that time heals all wounds and only time will tell how we will be changed by this. I hope that good things come from it. I hope that you maybe see what a profound affect your actions have on the people that love and care about you. I hope that you and Patti start practicing the life you both preach to my sister and I hope for the sake of Anna Rose that you both hold up your minimal parenting obligations and provide a safe and drug free living for my little sister.

I still love you both and that will never change. I hope that we can move forward and learn something from this experience but I truly believe that we need to deal with it in order to put it behind us. Ignoring the issue at hand is not going to make it go away, and when you guys are ready to talk about it, really honestly talk about it, I will try to be openminded.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.

　Jillian

Now he is here staying at my house, and no matter how hard I try not to think about everything that happened I can't. This is the first time I have seen him since, and when he got the letter there was no more real acknowledgement. Do I confront the situation before the surgery?? Do I just let it go and deal with it at a later time? If I bring it up what if we fight before the surgery. IDK I am just really torn today. It is hard having him here under the circumstances.