kwinkleman

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I woke up this morning thinking about food as usual and kicking myself for getting up in the middle of the night and eating those 5 chicken nuggets....but dang it they were good!!! 
While I was kicking myself down the hallway I thought to myself that maybe I wouldn't crave this stuff if I was eating more healthy "alternatives" to the junk that I am craving.  Chocolate is a big one for me.  I told my boss yesterday that we should have chocolate breaks...do I need a chocolate break? NO, if chocolate was in the office would I sit here and eat it till I was sick?  Yes.  So a chocolage break is probably not a good idea LOL.  But if I am craving chocolate there has to be some "alternative" that can give me the taste that I am wanting without the calories.  Then I thought there just might be healthier "alternatives" to most of the things that I have been craving.  For instance, the other day I was talking about the English Muffin and cream cheese.  Ok, so bread kills my stomach and makes me bloat...so it is not the bread that I want....it is the yummy cream cheese.  So why not have maybe some celery with fat free cream cheese?  I love the onion and chive cream cheese, regular fat is 80 calories in 2 tablespoons, the fat free is only 30 calories in 2 tablespoons.  Plus if I am eliminating the muffin (which isn't sweet...so why do they call it a muffin?), I am also eliminating those calories as well so I could just go head and have the regular full fat (full flavor) cream cheese.  And then the chocolate...as I was scouring through the cabinets I found a package of chocolate fudge sugar free fat free Jell-O pudding mix.  So I made it (of course) with fat free milk and to my surprise it actually had a great chocolate taste....who would have ever guessed LOL.  Only 80 calories per serving.  I think I personally am going to look into finding more of these healthy lower calorie alternatives.  I read one online this morning for pizza....which called for a corn tortilla topped with fresh tomatoes, cheese, and veggies then popped in the toaster oven till melted.  I don't remember the calories and I guess it really depends on the type of cheese used but it sounds pretty good.  AND as an added bonus the corn tortilla is thin....and eliminates the bread crust that upsets my pouch.  
So what is my point?  That I believe a balance is going to take time, research, and preparation....something that I should have started almost 2 years ago when I first had the surgery.  But I will admit that I took the easy route.  I wasn't hungry before so not eating a lot or certain things was simple....that not hungry feeling has gone far far away....and maybe it is mental but still it is there.  I wish I would have had this conversation with myself 2 years ago but I guess it is better now than never

Happy Monday   It is a stormy start to the work week here in "not so sunny Florida" with Isaac moving through it is suppose to be stormy all week.  I feel a storm cloud over my relationship with food as well.  You would think that with my surgery being almost 2 years old (11-29-10) I would have already developed a healthy relationship with food WRONG!!!
I LOVE to eat.  I am sure that is the #1 reason that I ballooned up to 301 pounds before I had gastric bypass, and I feel like I have written this blog post before but it is as true today as it was the last time I visited this subject.  I love food.  I love sweets, savory foods, sauces, candys, ice cream, I want it all.....and then I pay for it by spending hours in the bathroom (TMI) and by having a not so happy trip to the scale.  I can say that when I went to the doctor this past Friday I weighed in at 158 pounds!!!!!  That puts my total weight loss at 143 pounds!!!  So I am blessed and very happy with my progress but I also know that at almost 2 years out the weight is NOT going to just continue to fall off and I AM going to have to work hard to maintain.  This hard work will have to be with both my diet and my exercise....both of which I struggle with.  I feel like if I restrict my diet too much then I am doomed to fail. A friend of mine who had the surgery in August 2010 is preparing for plastic surgery, and her surgeon told her that she isn't suppose to have more that 2 grams of fat per meal...WHAT?  Is she suppose to eat air and water all day???  I don't understand how this can 1) be accurate information and 2) be reasonable.  There is more that 2 grams of fat in just about everything except air and water....and some of the flavorings that we add to our water has more that 2 grams of fat.  When she told me this and I literally saw the look of despiration on her face it hit me that I too have to start thinking about "maintenance" and how I am going to maintain my new way of living.  Honestly to this point it has been a struggle and it continues to be so.  I have given myself a new goal weight of 150.  My original goal weight was 180....I am hoping that I will be happy at 150.  My doctor thinks that is a good number and he was very pleased to see that my high blood pressure that creeped up on me during pregnancy had completely gone away.  He was not so pleased to see that my Iron was still extremely low so I am on an Iron supplement 3 times a day now.  The number on the scale isn't as important as how I feel and how healthy I am.  Currently I feel like crap which I am sure just adds to the stress.  Why?? Well because I have this amazing little guy named Masen who doesn't like to sleep through the night.  And someone has spoiled him....not sure who but I would like to beat that person LOL (me).  He loves to be held, walked, doesn't even consider sleeping in his own bed, and he has this habit of smiling at me when I am at that point of pulling my hair out.  That smile somehow makes me feel all better until I get to work and realize just how completely tired I am.  Anyway the purpose of my rambling is to say that I am on a journey to have a healthy relationship with food.  I started a new 'diet' today, so I had a hard boiled egg and some mild cheddar cheese for breakfast.  I went in to the kitchen area at work and saw english muffins, cinnamon swirl bread, cream cheese, yogurt GRRRRRRR Of course I want one of everything with extra cream cheese.  But instead I made my cup of coffee and came back to my office totally and completely ticked off LOL.  Why do I want the things that I know are only going to a) make me feel miserable and b) are not good for me?  Yes the yogurt isn't bad, but it wasn't greek yogurt so really I can do with out.....especially since I just ate my breakfast like 10 mins ago.  Am I hungry? NO, but it looks good and I know that it tastes good so I want it.  Temptation is not very nice!!!
It is hard to say to myself that my lettuce salad is so much better than that slice of pizza....when I already know that the slice of pizza is AMAZING!  So where is the balance, how do you come to a happy medium?  I think for me it is going to be- everything in moderation.  Ok so if I want a slice of pizza I can have it.  But then I KNOW that I have to eat right the rest of the week and hit the gym for some cardio.  Is the pizza still worth it?  Maybe yes and maybe no. The english muffin with extra cream cheese is so not worth it right now.  Balance.  I hate when someone tells me I can't have this or can't have that....that just makes me (being hardheaded) want it even more.  So if I am craving ice cream, why can't I go have some nonfat yogurt?  If I want pizza, who not have 1 slice of thin crust with just cheese and only eat 1/2 the crust (since bread is my enemy)?  If I want a cheeseburger (which hopefully won't happen since I am not eating beef), but why not have a turkery burger patty, or a Boca burger?  I believe it is going to be a give and take 50/50 relationship....or at least that is what I am hoping for.  

Anyway....food for thought for this Monday morning.

I totally hate negativity.  I try so hard to not be negative, I have been trying to surround myself with only positive people, and literally RUN for negativity.  I have been shown over and over and over again that if you stay positive things usually work out.  I usually don't mention religion or politics....simply because they are such touchy topics and I would never want to offend anyone but I honestly believe that God always provides a way to those who truly seek it.  I have been totally down and out and thought that I was ready to give up and something always happens to give me a "way"out of the bad/negative situation.  Whether it is a financial situation, a situation with my weight, with relationships/friendships, whatever it might be a "way" always seems to be provided if I just take the time and determination to look.  With that being said I also believe that negativity is always lurking right around the corner and I believe that misery does love company.  
So while I don't have a scale at my house right now (lost it in the move) I can tell that I have lost a little more weight. My clothes fit looser, I have on a size medium shirt on right now which I never thought would happen so I can tell that things are still moving in the right direction.  I went and got a new hair cut yesterday....super short for me as I usually keep my hair below my shoulders, but as a new mom (again) I simply don't have the time, so I am embracing change and cut it all off LOL.  Then negativity reared its ugly head in the form of a not so nice comment....someone tells me "you use to be cute and sexy BEFORE you lost all that weight"!!!!!!!!!!  WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Sometimes it is best to keep what you are thinking to YOURSELF!!!!!  That should have been done in this situation.  OK, every one has a right to their opinion but does that mean that you can just allow garbage to fly out of your mouth anytime you want? I don't think so (and maybe I am wrong).  I don't like everything about every body that I see every single day but I don't go up to them and tell them my thoughts/opinions.  I don't even do that to my closest friends.  If I don't like something that is my problem not theirs, now I will tell my good friends my opinion on things but never in a blunt harsh manner.  Maybe it isn't necessairly WHAT you say but more HOW you say it.  

I think that the TRUE reason/meaning for most of us who have had WLS is lost.  Yes I wanted to be smaller, yes I wanted to be able to shop in the regular clothing section and not the plus size section, yes I wanted to be noticed more, yes I wanted to "fit in" to what society has made acceptable, BUT most importantly I wanted to be healthy.  I hated walking up a small flight of stairs and being completely out of breath and sweating like I had just ran a mile.  I hated hearing that my blood pressure was somewhat high, I hated seeing the diabeties commercials or having to sit and listen to my doctor lecture me about all the things that could happen if I didn't lose the weight, I hated not being able to go out and play with my son.  I remember sitting in the initial information seminar for WLS at the hospital and the surgeon came out and gave his speech and showed all the statistics, and then he flashed a photo of a very overweight man, it was the mans "before" photo.  The next slide showed the same man after surgery a few years out and he had lost a TON of weight, he didn't have a shirt on and you could see the loose skin and I remember one lady making a noise and a comment about how bad he looked.  The doctor then said that he didn't care HOW the man looked what he cared about was the fact that he had lost over 100 pounds, and that he was off ALL his medications, his blood pressure was in normal range, he was working out 2-3 times a week, eating healthy, and enjoying life for the first time in his life.  I have to sit and think back to that moment a lot myself because I too get caught up in the "image".  I want cosmetic plastic surgery but I have to remind myself that the TRUE reason for going through this process was to get my life back.  To be HEALTHIER more than anything.  So when I hear a comment like "you was cute and sexy before you lost weight" I think-while that may be true, I also was closer to an earlier death and there is nothing cute or sexy about that.

WOW, I can honestly say that I have missed being on this site!!!!!!  And I am very happy to be back.  I took a little break from everything LOL.  Baby Masen was born July 1, 2012 at 9:22pm, he was 7pounds 10 ounces and 21 inches long.  Today he is over 9 pounds and 23 inches long so he is a healthy growing boy.  I have posted a photo of him in my "photos" section.  He is such a joy and a blessing.  My c-section was scheduled for July 2nd....but he decided he wanted to meet the outside world a little early.  I can now say that contractions SUCK LOL, I never had any labor pains with my son Alex, nothing.  So when I had that first real contraction I knew that it was time to go to the hospital ASAP.  But it was all worth it and I can laugh about it now.  Everyone says that Masen is going to be something else seeing that he couldn't even wait a few more hours till the 8am appointment on the 2nd. LOL
I am happy to say that I moved from the city I was in....took the new job.....and things are going GREAT!!!!!!!!! Those who read my older blog postings will clearly see that the move and leaving those negative relationships and people behind was a struggle, especially when I found out that I was pregnant but something told me to just give it a try so we moved in May and have enjoyed it in our new city. My son Alex has made new friends, he is looking forward to starting the 3rd grade later this month.  Masen has fit right into our routine and has added such joy and love to our family.....although he will add even more when he sleeps all night long .  
The new job is very positive and me and my boss, who also happens to be a good friend, get along great.  Of course there are hectic days but the good days out-weight the bad which is what I was missing from my last job.  My departure from my previous employer was not pretty. My boss took it really hard, said some really mean and completely unprofessional things, but I stayed for my full 2 weeks and then ran LOL.  He has not really ever apologized, it honestly was more like a really bad breakup than an employee resigning which is crazy because there was never anything romantic about our relationship.  But he was mad and said hurtful things just like when a couple breaks up, it was a little crazy.  My co-workers all told me that he was just hurt, shocked maybe, but I honestly tried to be open and upfront about the issues I was having but there were never any solutions just broken promises....again something like a really bad relationship LOL. Lord knows I have had enough of those for 2 lifetimes.

WEIGHT LOSS:  Well when I found out I was pregnant I was 4 weeks along and weighed 173 pounds....right before I had Masen I was 207 I was heartbroken as I had promised myself I would NEVER be in the 200's again. But everyone kept assuring me that it would come back off and at that point it was more important to get the calories needed to be sure that Masen was healthy.  At my last post baby appointment I weighed 162!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WOOHOO, I was not a healthy eater during this pregnancy.  I stopped counting calories and basically ate what I wanted but in smaller portions....even the unhealthy stuff like the Snickers bars, cookies, Chinese food....which I craved like crazy with both pregnancies.  And for the past month since having Masen I have pretty much been doing the same thing....but something hit me this morning and I decided that it was time to get back to my routine and moving towards my new goal of 150.  So I re-downloaded my calorie food tracker, and packed a super healthy breakfast, lunch, and snack for while I am at work and I am really going to try and stick with it and lose these last 12 pounds.  I have TWO amazing reasons to work hard and try to be the best most healthy Kathy I can be....and those 2 reasons are named Alex and Masen. I made really stupid decisions before and I don't know if it comes with getting ready to turn 33 or the fact that I am now a single mother of two, but something has changed!  My outlook has changed, my priorities have changed, my way of thinking has changed.  Where I use to always but others (outsiders) boyfriends first I now realize that there are other so much more important things that I need to focus my time and energy on. I use to spend so much time thinking and worrying about my ex and our failing relationship and what I could do to try and make it better that I didn't have time or energy to focus on anything else and it literally took over my entire life.  Now I don't know if it is from the lack of sleep or the new location, new baby, new job, or what but those things rarely even cross my mind.  Of course he and I still communicate because he is Masen's father but our conversations are now very short and to the point.  I give him baby updates and we get off the phone. There is simply nothing else for us to talk about.  And I am OK with that its an amazing feeling!!