Vulnerability

Jul 19, 2010

I'm finding this time to be one of reflection.  Growing up I never drank or did drugs, I was the caretaker of those that got drunk or high.  I used food to numb myself and to try and make myself invisible to men and their attention with my size.  My whole life I have been surrounded by addicts of various varieties.  It took me a long time to trust myself with alcohol because I was so afraid that I would be an alcoholic.  

The issue of cross addictions has been coming up a lot.  I was given a perscription of perks when i left the hospital and then two more subsequent perscriptions of perks.  I just recently finished the first perscription and have had two from the second one.  I am using them so sparingly because they are highly addictive and I have a serious fear of getting hooked on them.  I have an appointment set up to speak with the social worker about some of my concerns and the buyer's remorse I have been experiencing.  The social worker is an amazing individual and hopefully he will be able to give me some insights to consider.  

My pain has not gotten worse, but it hasn't gotten better either.  Today is the last day for the antibiotics.   

Emotionally things have been quite a rollar coaster.  Family drama and what not, then add to that the healing from the surgery (or what seems to be the lack of it) and trying to figure everything out.  My dog has finally come home after 3 weeks of being with my family.  I couldn't take care of him and myself.  He's still acts like a puppy at 2 and has all the grace of a dump truck.  He's quite adorable and seriously believes that he's a lap dog.  He's all love and we really missed each other.  I have been taking him for walks to help me with my exercise.  Although I am still walking slowly and the pain doesn't help with the process.

It seems like I am re-evaluating everything in my life.  Questioning the value and impact of my relationships, what I want out of my life and what truly matters to me.  I'm not sure if this is normal or not, but it's where I am.  Everything is being scrutinized.  I'm not exactly sure what will come of it, but I figure that there is a reason for it, so I'm doing my best to roll with the moment without getting attached or bogged down by the "what-ifs" and "how comes".  Every day brings a new beginning and a fresh start, which is helpful to hold onto during these soul searching moments. 

I'm also discovering that I'm experiencing grief in a way I never realized I would.  I'm experiencing the emotions that I used to "eat away".  The sadness, guilt and shame that I desperately tried to keep hidden are rising to the surface.  Not in an overwhelming way, but in a persistent way that requires me to look at it closely and make a decision to "work with it" or lay it to rest.  I can no longer hide and there is a certain amount of vulnerability in that.  I suppose that is what a new baby must feel like. 

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