meeshimo
Alive and....
Sep 25, 2010
Okay so it's been awhile since I have posted anything.
I'm alive and...
well...
in chaos...
My relationship has ended essentially because of my surgery. My partner was not able to provide the support or understanding that I needed and could not handle the changes that were occurring. I was not interested in looking for a relationship or pursuing one, since the last one ended essentially because of my surgery. Interestingly enough, the Universe decided to go into a completely different direction. Enter new man. So I was incredibly nervous about meeting Andrew, but he has been a little ray of sunshine in the chaos that has become my life.
My new guy's name is Andrew. He makes my heart melt with his thoughtfulness and compassion. One of the foods I adore is sushi. I can't eat much sushi, in fact 2-3 pieces is the absolute max. Well Andrew is concerned about how little I actually eat, so he picked up sashimi (just the fish pieces without the rice) with idea that i might be able to eat more and keep it down. (The dietician want me to try everything and anything in an effort to get my calorie count up.) The fact that he thought of that was so incredibly sweet. He kissed my scars better lol - that humbled me. I'm trying my best to get used to the changes in my body. It feels somewhat alien to me and my body is still constantly changing.
He took me to my surgeon's appointment this past Monday, as I am still not allowed to drive. He's worried about me and the last time he was up I was given a lecture about taking protein shakes and eating breakfast. Part of the problem is that I'm throwing up so much that the idea of food totally repulses me. So I have promised to try. Interestingly enough, Andrew used to be obese as well and made a decision to live a healthier life. He himself has lost 80+ lbs on his own through diet and exercise.
I wish I could say that my doctors have gotten their heads out of their asses. My appointment with my surgeon wasn't exactly helpful. She feels that i'm ready to go back to work and I just laughed at her. I asked her if she was kidding since I have been doing nothing but throwing up, I'm still bleeding and still have an incredible amount of pain for which they have no idea what the cause is. It's the same incision site and it hurts to sit, stand, lay down, walk, etc. They think that the problem will be resolved within fours months as apparently many patients report these symptoms and their resolution four months post-op. So the doctor asked me what I wanted from her. I said if you feel that this will be resolved within four months, then let me take that time off and we'll go from there. I cannot function in my day-to-day activities, so the idea of working is almost the equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest. So now I'm waiting to hear from the insurance company. They have put me on new medication to see if that will help the ulcer as apparently my pouch is eroding. They think the ulcer might be part of the problem too as to why I'm throwing up and bleeding. They are scheduling another colonoscopy too.
To be honest I am just barely hanging on. I am frustrated, angry, tired, stressed, happy, sad, confused, delighted...the list goes on. I am taking things a second at a time and doing my very best to remain positive and upbeat. I have been getting more attention from people as I get smaller - at least that's what it seems like - and all I want to do is hide. I feel exposed, embarrassed and completely vulnerable. I'm not exactly sure how to handle it all.
Being in the emotional crap storm is not all that it's cracked up to be. Even worse is the examination of how lonely, sad, angry and scared life has been that brought me to this point in my life. For myself - I am PISSED OFF (pardon the swearing). I am angry with everything, and mostly I am angry with myself. I just haven't figured out exactly the reasons for it.
So that's my update. I'm alive and...well...alive.
0 comments
I'm alive and...
well...
in chaos...
My relationship has ended essentially because of my surgery. My partner was not able to provide the support or understanding that I needed and could not handle the changes that were occurring. I was not interested in looking for a relationship or pursuing one, since the last one ended essentially because of my surgery. Interestingly enough, the Universe decided to go into a completely different direction. Enter new man. So I was incredibly nervous about meeting Andrew, but he has been a little ray of sunshine in the chaos that has become my life.
My new guy's name is Andrew. He makes my heart melt with his thoughtfulness and compassion. One of the foods I adore is sushi. I can't eat much sushi, in fact 2-3 pieces is the absolute max. Well Andrew is concerned about how little I actually eat, so he picked up sashimi (just the fish pieces without the rice) with idea that i might be able to eat more and keep it down. (The dietician want me to try everything and anything in an effort to get my calorie count up.) The fact that he thought of that was so incredibly sweet. He kissed my scars better lol - that humbled me. I'm trying my best to get used to the changes in my body. It feels somewhat alien to me and my body is still constantly changing.
He took me to my surgeon's appointment this past Monday, as I am still not allowed to drive. He's worried about me and the last time he was up I was given a lecture about taking protein shakes and eating breakfast. Part of the problem is that I'm throwing up so much that the idea of food totally repulses me. So I have promised to try. Interestingly enough, Andrew used to be obese as well and made a decision to live a healthier life. He himself has lost 80+ lbs on his own through diet and exercise.
I wish I could say that my doctors have gotten their heads out of their asses. My appointment with my surgeon wasn't exactly helpful. She feels that i'm ready to go back to work and I just laughed at her. I asked her if she was kidding since I have been doing nothing but throwing up, I'm still bleeding and still have an incredible amount of pain for which they have no idea what the cause is. It's the same incision site and it hurts to sit, stand, lay down, walk, etc. They think that the problem will be resolved within fours months as apparently many patients report these symptoms and their resolution four months post-op. So the doctor asked me what I wanted from her. I said if you feel that this will be resolved within four months, then let me take that time off and we'll go from there. I cannot function in my day-to-day activities, so the idea of working is almost the equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest. So now I'm waiting to hear from the insurance company. They have put me on new medication to see if that will help the ulcer as apparently my pouch is eroding. They think the ulcer might be part of the problem too as to why I'm throwing up and bleeding. They are scheduling another colonoscopy too.
To be honest I am just barely hanging on. I am frustrated, angry, tired, stressed, happy, sad, confused, delighted...the list goes on. I am taking things a second at a time and doing my very best to remain positive and upbeat. I have been getting more attention from people as I get smaller - at least that's what it seems like - and all I want to do is hide. I feel exposed, embarrassed and completely vulnerable. I'm not exactly sure how to handle it all.
Being in the emotional crap storm is not all that it's cracked up to be. Even worse is the examination of how lonely, sad, angry and scared life has been that brought me to this point in my life. For myself - I am PISSED OFF (pardon the swearing). I am angry with everything, and mostly I am angry with myself. I just haven't figured out exactly the reasons for it.
So that's my update. I'm alive and...well...alive.
Vulnerability
Jul 19, 2010
I'm finding this time to be one of reflection. Growing up I never drank or did drugs, I was the caretaker of those that got drunk or high. I used food to numb myself and to try and make myself invisible to men and their attention with my size. My whole life I have been surrounded by addicts of various varieties. It took me a long time to trust myself with alcohol because I was so afraid that I would be an alcoholic.
The issue of cross addictions has been coming up a lot. I was given a perscription of perks when i left the hospital and then two more subsequent perscriptions of perks. I just recently finished the first perscription and have had two from the second one. I am using them so sparingly because they are highly addictive and I have a serious fear of getting hooked on them. I have an appointment set up to speak with the social worker about some of my concerns and the buyer's remorse I have been experiencing. The social worker is an amazing individual and hopefully he will be able to give me some insights to consider.
My pain has not gotten worse, but it hasn't gotten better either. Today is the last day for the antibiotics.
Emotionally things have been quite a rollar coaster. Family drama and what not, then add to that the healing from the surgery (or what seems to be the lack of it) and trying to figure everything out. My dog has finally come home after 3 weeks of being with my family. I couldn't take care of him and myself. He's still acts like a puppy at 2 and has all the grace of a dump truck. He's quite adorable and seriously believes that he's a lap dog. He's all love and we really missed each other. I have been taking him for walks to help me with my exercise. Although I am still walking slowly and the pain doesn't help with the process.
It seems like I am re-evaluating everything in my life. Questioning the value and impact of my relationships, what I want out of my life and what truly matters to me. I'm not sure if this is normal or not, but it's where I am. Everything is being scrutinized. I'm not exactly sure what will come of it, but I figure that there is a reason for it, so I'm doing my best to roll with the moment without getting attached or bogged down by the "what-ifs" and "how comes". Every day brings a new beginning and a fresh start, which is helpful to hold onto during these soul searching moments.
I'm also discovering that I'm experiencing grief in a way I never realized I would. I'm experiencing the emotions that I used to "eat away". The sadness, guilt and shame that I desperately tried to keep hidden are rising to the surface. Not in an overwhelming way, but in a persistent way that requires me to look at it closely and make a decision to "work with it" or lay it to rest. I can no longer hide and there is a certain amount of vulnerability in that. I suppose that is what a new baby must feel like.
0 comments
The issue of cross addictions has been coming up a lot. I was given a perscription of perks when i left the hospital and then two more subsequent perscriptions of perks. I just recently finished the first perscription and have had two from the second one. I am using them so sparingly because they are highly addictive and I have a serious fear of getting hooked on them. I have an appointment set up to speak with the social worker about some of my concerns and the buyer's remorse I have been experiencing. The social worker is an amazing individual and hopefully he will be able to give me some insights to consider.
My pain has not gotten worse, but it hasn't gotten better either. Today is the last day for the antibiotics.
Emotionally things have been quite a rollar coaster. Family drama and what not, then add to that the healing from the surgery (or what seems to be the lack of it) and trying to figure everything out. My dog has finally come home after 3 weeks of being with my family. I couldn't take care of him and myself. He's still acts like a puppy at 2 and has all the grace of a dump truck. He's quite adorable and seriously believes that he's a lap dog. He's all love and we really missed each other. I have been taking him for walks to help me with my exercise. Although I am still walking slowly and the pain doesn't help with the process.
It seems like I am re-evaluating everything in my life. Questioning the value and impact of my relationships, what I want out of my life and what truly matters to me. I'm not sure if this is normal or not, but it's where I am. Everything is being scrutinized. I'm not exactly sure what will come of it, but I figure that there is a reason for it, so I'm doing my best to roll with the moment without getting attached or bogged down by the "what-ifs" and "how comes". Every day brings a new beginning and a fresh start, which is helpful to hold onto during these soul searching moments.
I'm also discovering that I'm experiencing grief in a way I never realized I would. I'm experiencing the emotions that I used to "eat away". The sadness, guilt and shame that I desperately tried to keep hidden are rising to the surface. Not in an overwhelming way, but in a persistent way that requires me to look at it closely and make a decision to "work with it" or lay it to rest. I can no longer hide and there is a certain amount of vulnerability in that. I suppose that is what a new baby must feel like.
Claiming MY Right to Life
Jul 14, 2010
For the past few days I have been staying with friends and getting some awesome and sound nutritional advice.
My friend is a mom to an almost 10 month old and makes her own baby food. She has been an incredible resource and a powerful friend during all of this. I've been making my own baby food and am discovering that I actually like food that I never enjoyed before - brussel sprouts, asparagus, cottage cheese.
I also found a really interesting book titled, "When Food is Love" by Geneen Roth. She has several books, however this one seemed to resonate with my friend and I. For such a small book, it packs quite the pearls of wisdom. Two quotes that struck me today are, "Eating is a metaphor for the way we live; it is also a metaphor for the way we love." and "At every moment, we are choosing either to reveal ourselves or to protect ourselves, to value ourselves or to diminish ourselves, to tell the truth or to hide. To dive into life or to avoid it. Initimacy is making the choice to be connected to, rather than isolated from, our deepest truth at that moment."
I find these comments to be extraordinary and quite profound given my current situation. Last week I was admitted to the hospital because I was in an extreme amount of pain. I faced medical staff who did not want to take my case on because my surgery occurred at another hospital and they did not want the responsibility of my care. Background note: The Bariatric Program is run out of Toronto Western hospital. All of my appointments have been at Toronto Western Hospital. My surgery occurred at Toronto East. My surgeon and her team have been on vacation since my surgery and I was referred by the surgeons office to go to Toronto Western where the program is run from.
At first the doctors could only say "the good thing is that you're not dead yet". Ummm - well duh! Of couse that's a good thing! This caused an incredible amount of stress and needless frustration. In the end I have an infection and inflammation in my incision, not at the incision site, but underneath where the camera was apparently inserted. One doctors lovely suggestion to cure my pain was to lose more weight - lol =)~ I am on antibiotics right now to deal with the infection. The meds will be taken over 10 days and if they do not work, I have to go back and will likely need surgery to remove the infecttion (or so that is what I have been told). I am still in quite a bit of pain. It hurts to do anything for periods of time - sitting, standing, walking, being LOL. I am 3 weeks post op and I am now down 52 lbs. I am following the program to the letter and am now keeping a daily food and exercise journal. I'm monitoring my water intake and trying my best to be as compliant as possible. =)~
The red-tape is a very aggravating and frustrating experience. It is not something that I am unfamiliar with, however it has prompted me to truly evaluate my situation and what lessons are to be learned from this experience. Specifically around my value and self-worth. I have an incredible opportunity to be connected to my deepest truth - to reveal myself, value myself, to tell the truth and dive into life. I am claiming my freedom. I am claiming my right to life - a healthy life. What this means is that the partnerships that I entered into with my medical team will need to be honoured on all sides. Only those who are willing to participate and be fully engaged will be allowed the opportunity to impact and enhance my healthy life and freedom. Opportunities will be given to me, I'm certain, that will honour this declaration of mine. LOL! I need to surround myself with people who are committed to assisting me achieve my goals. That is the bottom line. So while I am still in pain, I'm working at getting stronger emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I'm taking things one step at a time.
1 comment
My friend is a mom to an almost 10 month old and makes her own baby food. She has been an incredible resource and a powerful friend during all of this. I've been making my own baby food and am discovering that I actually like food that I never enjoyed before - brussel sprouts, asparagus, cottage cheese.
I also found a really interesting book titled, "When Food is Love" by Geneen Roth. She has several books, however this one seemed to resonate with my friend and I. For such a small book, it packs quite the pearls of wisdom. Two quotes that struck me today are, "Eating is a metaphor for the way we live; it is also a metaphor for the way we love." and "At every moment, we are choosing either to reveal ourselves or to protect ourselves, to value ourselves or to diminish ourselves, to tell the truth or to hide. To dive into life or to avoid it. Initimacy is making the choice to be connected to, rather than isolated from, our deepest truth at that moment."
I find these comments to be extraordinary and quite profound given my current situation. Last week I was admitted to the hospital because I was in an extreme amount of pain. I faced medical staff who did not want to take my case on because my surgery occurred at another hospital and they did not want the responsibility of my care. Background note: The Bariatric Program is run out of Toronto Western hospital. All of my appointments have been at Toronto Western Hospital. My surgery occurred at Toronto East. My surgeon and her team have been on vacation since my surgery and I was referred by the surgeons office to go to Toronto Western where the program is run from.
At first the doctors could only say "the good thing is that you're not dead yet". Ummm - well duh! Of couse that's a good thing! This caused an incredible amount of stress and needless frustration. In the end I have an infection and inflammation in my incision, not at the incision site, but underneath where the camera was apparently inserted. One doctors lovely suggestion to cure my pain was to lose more weight - lol =)~ I am on antibiotics right now to deal with the infection. The meds will be taken over 10 days and if they do not work, I have to go back and will likely need surgery to remove the infecttion (or so that is what I have been told). I am still in quite a bit of pain. It hurts to do anything for periods of time - sitting, standing, walking, being LOL. I am 3 weeks post op and I am now down 52 lbs. I am following the program to the letter and am now keeping a daily food and exercise journal. I'm monitoring my water intake and trying my best to be as compliant as possible. =)~
The red-tape is a very aggravating and frustrating experience. It is not something that I am unfamiliar with, however it has prompted me to truly evaluate my situation and what lessons are to be learned from this experience. Specifically around my value and self-worth. I have an incredible opportunity to be connected to my deepest truth - to reveal myself, value myself, to tell the truth and dive into life. I am claiming my freedom. I am claiming my right to life - a healthy life. What this means is that the partnerships that I entered into with my medical team will need to be honoured on all sides. Only those who are willing to participate and be fully engaged will be allowed the opportunity to impact and enhance my healthy life and freedom. Opportunities will be given to me, I'm certain, that will honour this declaration of mine. LOL! I need to surround myself with people who are committed to assisting me achieve my goals. That is the bottom line. So while I am still in pain, I'm working at getting stronger emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I'm taking things one step at a time.
Courage
Jul 01, 2010
Courage is the power to let go of the familiar. Courage is grace under pressure. The scars you acquire while exercising courage will never make you feel inferior. Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow".
These words were said to me by a friend to describe me and it moved me profoundly. It's always an interesting thing to catch a glimpse of how others see me. I also find it thought provoking because I have my own perception of who and what i am. Sometimes the two mesh and sometimes the two are polar opposites.
I find that I am reflecting on my life and the choices that I have made and am making. Having turned 30, I'm finding that this year has been about my evolution as a person and I have been presented with MANY opportunities to learn more about myself and the world around me.
There's an old saying that people come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. I always thought it was a quaint saying and never really gave it much credence or reflection. Recently, this has come up again in a number of ways through my relationship with food and my personal relationships. This past year I have worked very hard to open my heart and break down the walls and obstacles that inhibit me from expressing and being my true self. I have had to learn not to "hold on" out of fear and allow myself to fully experience the richness life has to offer.
A dear friend of mine gave me great advice to allow myself to experience the journey with all it's beauty without getting tied down with expectations and conditions. Insightful and valuable advice I assure you, in more ways than one. I have had to let go of my own expectations around food and what its purpose is in my life. Food's purpose is not to provide comfort. Food's purpose is not to be a social aid. Food's purpose is not to fill a void because I may feel empty, alone or scared. Food's purpose is not to be a venting agent for me to gorge my emotions on. These are the expectations I have had of food. Food, by its very nature, is a beautiful and wonderful thing. It's sole purpose is to fuel my body, which in turn will allow me to move, express and be who I am.
Food will be with me for a lifetime, however it is up to me to determine the path and direction of the relationship I have with it and myself.
0 comments
These words were said to me by a friend to describe me and it moved me profoundly. It's always an interesting thing to catch a glimpse of how others see me. I also find it thought provoking because I have my own perception of who and what i am. Sometimes the two mesh and sometimes the two are polar opposites.
I find that I am reflecting on my life and the choices that I have made and am making. Having turned 30, I'm finding that this year has been about my evolution as a person and I have been presented with MANY opportunities to learn more about myself and the world around me.
There's an old saying that people come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. I always thought it was a quaint saying and never really gave it much credence or reflection. Recently, this has come up again in a number of ways through my relationship with food and my personal relationships. This past year I have worked very hard to open my heart and break down the walls and obstacles that inhibit me from expressing and being my true self. I have had to learn not to "hold on" out of fear and allow myself to fully experience the richness life has to offer.
A dear friend of mine gave me great advice to allow myself to experience the journey with all it's beauty without getting tied down with expectations and conditions. Insightful and valuable advice I assure you, in more ways than one. I have had to let go of my own expectations around food and what its purpose is in my life. Food's purpose is not to provide comfort. Food's purpose is not to be a social aid. Food's purpose is not to fill a void because I may feel empty, alone or scared. Food's purpose is not to be a venting agent for me to gorge my emotions on. These are the expectations I have had of food. Food, by its very nature, is a beautiful and wonderful thing. It's sole purpose is to fuel my body, which in turn will allow me to move, express and be who I am.
Food will be with me for a lifetime, however it is up to me to determine the path and direction of the relationship I have with it and myself.
The Key
Jun 30, 2010
So as many are aware, I have been in lots of pain. I spent most of yesterday speaking with my medical team about the issues that I'm having and it seems that what may be contributing to my pain is dehydration. I had been managing to drink 500 ml of water in a 24 hour period each day and was quite proud of this accomplishment. Yeah - I found out I need to be at 2 L per day! Imagine that.
So yesterday I managed to drink 1 L and was quite proud of this accomplishment. My team did say that I would need to work up to the 2 L mark and should aim for 1 L for now. I figure if I can reach this for a solid week I will move on to 1.5 L. As it also turns out, I amy have been dehydrated prior to the surgery during the Optifast stage. With drinking so much fluids, who would have thought I would need to be drinking additional water. I know, I know many are saying well duh...but this is how my mind works.
So here is why I have found that drinking water and being properly hydrated is important:
1. It helps keep the kidneys functioning properly.
2. it removes toxins from the body.
3. It assists in bringing up the garbage from the lungs so there is less risk of pnemonia.
4. It promotes bowel movements.
5. it generally makes your body run smoother and healthier.
As a result of drinking 1 L of water yesterday, I had 3 bowel movements which greatly assisted with my gas and adominal pain. I had a bit more energy and today I've been trying to do some laundry and some other light chores. So my focus is drinking the water I need to, eating my vitamins and supplements and doing what I can to consume the protein that I need in order to promote healing.
The key is hydration.
0 comments
So yesterday I managed to drink 1 L and was quite proud of this accomplishment. My team did say that I would need to work up to the 2 L mark and should aim for 1 L for now. I figure if I can reach this for a solid week I will move on to 1.5 L. As it also turns out, I amy have been dehydrated prior to the surgery during the Optifast stage. With drinking so much fluids, who would have thought I would need to be drinking additional water. I know, I know many are saying well duh...but this is how my mind works.
So here is why I have found that drinking water and being properly hydrated is important:
1. It helps keep the kidneys functioning properly.
2. it removes toxins from the body.
3. It assists in bringing up the garbage from the lungs so there is less risk of pnemonia.
4. It promotes bowel movements.
5. it generally makes your body run smoother and healthier.
As a result of drinking 1 L of water yesterday, I had 3 bowel movements which greatly assisted with my gas and adominal pain. I had a bit more energy and today I've been trying to do some laundry and some other light chores. So my focus is drinking the water I need to, eating my vitamins and supplements and doing what I can to consume the protein that I need in order to promote healing.
The key is hydration.
Limitations
Jun 29, 2010
The doctors are aware of the fever. I am to go immediately to the hospital once it passes 100 F but its been good and I'm back to normal on that front. The pain I'm told is normal and the coughing is due to being intubated during the surgery. It's really important to get the gunk out or there is a risk of pnemonia (sp?) I am taking pain meds and just had my perscription renewed today. I think part of the problem is that I have high expectations that I will be able to "bounce" back and be my normal self within a very short time frame. My limitatiions are frustrating to me and I think that is why I push myself instead of relaxing and being within the moment.
This has been a very real learning experience for me. It's only been a week since the surgery and my progress has been amazing so far. I have lost 40 lbs since I have started the journey. I have had several enlightening "aha" moments and I am coming closer and closer to my authentic self. For these gifts alone I am grateful. What i am truly blessed for though is the unconditional support and encouragement that has been given to me by my family and friends. My life is good.
0 comments
This has been a very real learning experience for me. It's only been a week since the surgery and my progress has been amazing so far. I have lost 40 lbs since I have started the journey. I have had several enlightening "aha" moments and I am coming closer and closer to my authentic self. For these gifts alone I am grateful. What i am truly blessed for though is the unconditional support and encouragement that has been given to me by my family and friends. My life is good.
Owww
Jun 28, 2010
Okay I have been home since Thursday...home being my sister's as I can't stay on my own yet. I have been in quite a bit of pain and battling a fever. I am just about done with the pain to be honest. Although I have a high pain tolerance I hate feeling trapped and confined to my bed (or couch in this case) and unable to really move. Don't get me wrong I walk as much as possible and my muscles are getting quite the work out with all of the coughing I am doing. I have not eaten much, as I don't when I am not feeling well and I also find it hard on my stomach. My first bowel movement was on Saturday, which was quite painful. When does the pain stop?
0 comments
Personal Power and Choice
Jun 18, 2010
When I mentioned months ago to a very close and dear friend of mine that I was going to have RNY bariatric surgery in an effort to cure my diabetes, she only had one question for me - "What will make this time different from all of the others that I will follow the rules and do what I am supposed to do?" When I first heard the question, I was angry and tried desperately to hop up on my soap box of indignation and righteousness, but in the end she had a point and I answered truthfully "I don't know". This question has been mulling over in my head and heart since it was first asked.
I was finally able to answer the question last night.
I had a very real AHA moment yesterday as i was talking with a friend at work. We were discussing a friend of hers that is in the process of preparing for her surgery which is several months away. My friend wanted to connect us together as she thought I had a really great outlook and attitude about the surgery - and then came the moment.
I said to my friend that this whole journey is all about personal power and choice. I became the size I am and have the illness I do because I could not or would not stand up for myself and claim my personal power. I made choices based on emotional factors and tried to find solace, comfort, love and acceptance with poor judgement and desperation. I used food, money and drama to create the situation that i am in. I allowed others to influence my choices because I was afraid and lived in fear of abandonment.
I firmly said to my friend, "If you cannot stand up for yourself and claim your personal power you have no business doing this surgery." THIS was the AHA moment.
There are some people in my life that have stated that i should not have this surgery because I could die or something could go horribly wrong. Granted, this is a possibilty one that I have truly looked at and considered. While I can appreciate their concerns, I have to make my own choice and decision. Everything in the past few months has been about standing up for myself and claiming my personal power. Everything has been about this since my very insightful friend asked the question and the powers that be were trying to help me find the answer.
Question: "What will make this time different from all of the others that I will follow the rules and do what I am supposed to do?"
Answer: I am and will continue to stand up for myself and will revel in my personal power. I will stand in my truth, my power and make my own choices that are true to my authentic self. I will be who I am and enjoy the sweetness life has to offer. I will be ME.
0 comments
I was finally able to answer the question last night.
I had a very real AHA moment yesterday as i was talking with a friend at work. We were discussing a friend of hers that is in the process of preparing for her surgery which is several months away. My friend wanted to connect us together as she thought I had a really great outlook and attitude about the surgery - and then came the moment.
I said to my friend that this whole journey is all about personal power and choice. I became the size I am and have the illness I do because I could not or would not stand up for myself and claim my personal power. I made choices based on emotional factors and tried to find solace, comfort, love and acceptance with poor judgement and desperation. I used food, money and drama to create the situation that i am in. I allowed others to influence my choices because I was afraid and lived in fear of abandonment.
I firmly said to my friend, "If you cannot stand up for yourself and claim your personal power you have no business doing this surgery." THIS was the AHA moment.
There are some people in my life that have stated that i should not have this surgery because I could die or something could go horribly wrong. Granted, this is a possibilty one that I have truly looked at and considered. While I can appreciate their concerns, I have to make my own choice and decision. Everything in the past few months has been about standing up for myself and claiming my personal power. Everything has been about this since my very insightful friend asked the question and the powers that be were trying to help me find the answer.
Question: "What will make this time different from all of the others that I will follow the rules and do what I am supposed to do?"
Answer: I am and will continue to stand up for myself and will revel in my personal power. I will stand in my truth, my power and make my own choices that are true to my authentic self. I will be who I am and enjoy the sweetness life has to offer. I will be ME.
Proud of Myself
Jun 15, 2010
My surgery is less than a week away and I had a revelation yesterday.
Yesterday was not a good day. It was filled with a lot of stress and emotional turmoil. I came home and grabbed some chicken in my freezer that got missed when I cleaned out my fridge and seriously contemplated eating it. Screw the consequences, as I was having a very bad day and I NEEDED food.
Enter the AH-HA moment.
I knew that I ate out of boredom, but did not truthfully did not realize that I am also an emotional eater - huh. So I threw the chicken out and took up an invitation to meet someone new and play some baseball. I redirected my focus and used physical activity as an outlet. I also chose not to isolate myself and stew in my juices.
I am proud of myself - and who knows maybe I've just started a new habit.
Woohoo for me!!
2 comments
Yesterday was not a good day. It was filled with a lot of stress and emotional turmoil. I came home and grabbed some chicken in my freezer that got missed when I cleaned out my fridge and seriously contemplated eating it. Screw the consequences, as I was having a very bad day and I NEEDED food.
Enter the AH-HA moment.
I knew that I ate out of boredom, but did not truthfully did not realize that I am also an emotional eater - huh. So I threw the chicken out and took up an invitation to meet someone new and play some baseball. I redirected my focus and used physical activity as an outlet. I also chose not to isolate myself and stew in my juices.
I am proud of myself - and who knows maybe I've just started a new habit.
Woohoo for me!!
A picture of freedom....
Jun 14, 2010
So it's official - I have been on the Optifast for one full week. WOOHOO for me!! My surgery is a week tomorrow and I have really been thinking about the surgery and what is going to occur. I have been given quite a unique opportunity to invent myself - or discover who I truly am (depending on your view point). I believe that in order to be successful at anything, one has to be able to "picture" it. I found this task to be more than a little difficult.
I have been overweight for as long as I can remember and to picture myself at a healthy body weight has often been elusive. But what hasn't been elusive is capturing the feelings of freedom. The freedom of moving my body in the way I want and need it to move in. The freedom of enjoying life fully and without the restricition of my size limiting my activities. This is what I am holding onto. This is what I am looking forward to.
I am re-inventing myself. I am excited, nervous and thrilled. I am also sad too as I move through the various emotions and issues that brought me to where I am. That was not something I fully comprehended when I made the decision to go ahead with this surgery, however I also recognize how valuable and necessary this process is.
Yeah for self-realization!
0 comments
I have been overweight for as long as I can remember and to picture myself at a healthy body weight has often been elusive. But what hasn't been elusive is capturing the feelings of freedom. The freedom of moving my body in the way I want and need it to move in. The freedom of enjoying life fully and without the restricition of my size limiting my activities. This is what I am holding onto. This is what I am looking forward to.
I am re-inventing myself. I am excited, nervous and thrilled. I am also sad too as I move through the various emotions and issues that brought me to where I am. That was not something I fully comprehended when I made the decision to go ahead with this surgery, however I also recognize how valuable and necessary this process is.
Yeah for self-realization!
