meeshimo
Alive and....
Sep 25, 2010
Okay so it's been awhile since I have posted anything.I'm alive and...
well...
in chaos...
My relationship has ended essentially because of my surgery. My partner was not able to provide the support or understanding that I needed and could not handle the changes that were occurring. I was not interested in looking for a relationship or pursuing one, since the last one ended essentially because of my surgery. Interestingly enough, the Universe decided to go into a completely different direction. Enter new man. So I was incredibly nervous about meeting Andrew, but he has been a little ray of sunshine in the chaos that has become my life.
My new guy's name is Andrew. He makes my heart melt with his thoughtfulness and compassion. One of the foods I adore is sushi. I can't eat much sushi, in fact 2-3 pieces is the absolute max. Well Andrew is concerned about how little I actually eat, so he picked up sashimi (just the fish pieces without the rice) with idea that i might be able to eat more and keep it down. (The dietician want me to try everything and anything in an effort to get my calorie count up.) The fact that he thought of that was so incredibly sweet. He kissed my scars better lol - that humbled me. I'm trying my best to get used to the changes in my body. It feels somewhat alien to me and my body is still constantly changing.
He took me to my surgeon's appointment this past Monday, as I am still not allowed to drive. He's worried about me and the last time he was up I was given a lecture about taking protein shakes and eating breakfast. Part of the problem is that I'm throwing up so much that the idea of food totally repulses me. So I have promised to try. Interestingly enough, Andrew used to be obese as well and made a decision to live a healthier life. He himself has lost 80+ lbs on his own through diet and exercise.
I wish I could say that my doctors have gotten their heads out of their asses. My appointment with my surgeon wasn't exactly helpful. She feels that i'm ready to go back to work and I just laughed at her. I asked her if she was kidding since I have been doing nothing but throwing up, I'm still bleeding and still have an incredible amount of pain for which they have no idea what the cause is. It's the same incision site and it hurts to sit, stand, lay down, walk, etc. They think that the problem will be resolved within fours months as apparently many patients report these symptoms and their resolution four months post-op. So the doctor asked me what I wanted from her. I said if you feel that this will be resolved within four months, then let me take that time off and we'll go from there. I cannot function in my day-to-day activities, so the idea of working is almost the equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest. So now I'm waiting to hear from the insurance company. They have put me on new medication to see if that will help the ulcer as apparently my pouch is eroding. They think the ulcer might be part of the problem too as to why I'm throwing up and bleeding. They are scheduling another colonoscopy too.
To be honest I am just barely hanging on. I am frustrated, angry, tired, stressed, happy, sad, confused, delighted...the list goes on. I am taking things a second at a time and doing my very best to remain positive and upbeat. I have been getting more attention from people as I get smaller - at least that's what it seems like - and all I want to do is hide. I feel exposed, embarrassed and completely vulnerable. I'm not exactly sure how to handle it all.
Being in the emotional crap storm is not all that it's cracked up to be. Even worse is the examination of how lonely, sad, angry and scared life has been that brought me to this point in my life. For myself - I am PISSED OFF (pardon the swearing). I am angry with everything, and mostly I am angry with myself. I just haven't figured out exactly the reasons for it.
So that's my update. I'm alive and...well...alive.
